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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want MIL to stay for 3 months

171 replies

FatOwl · 01/10/2013 02:13

We live overseas and MIL lives alone in the UK (but SIL and her other grandchildren live in the same street)

She is becoming more difficult as time goes on (over fussy, unreasonable behaviour, extremely stubborn etc). She is physically in good health though, though can be forgetful. She is 77.

She is coming for xmas and new year.

She can't fly long haul on her own, she gets too confused, so we are flying her out with dd1 who is at uni in the UK (we have to tell her she is "bringing DD for us" because she won't believe she needs support through the airport) - arriving about 18th dec.

DD will need to be back at uni for 13th of jan so we'll probably fly them both back around the 10th Jan. They will both be here around three weeks.

DH now says he wants her to stay until the beginning of march when he is flying back to the UK on business.

Now if dh and MIL has a close loving relationship, that would be fine, but they row almost constantly, which I find very stressful.

When I asked him if he could really deal with his mother for three full months, he said well, she needs the company, it will be nice for her to "miss winter"

By company, he means me. It would be OK while dd1 was still here, but by the time she goes back, the other two dds are back at school, and dh is back at work, it will be down to me.

She has stayed that long before and I ended up very down. I like my own space. I came downstairs every morning for three months to find her sat ready to go with her handbag with an expectant "what are we doing today" face on.

She doesn't like Shopping. Or walking. Or the heat. She has visited us several times before, so doesn't want to do the tourist things again.

When she came for that long time before I naively thought she would make her own plans- there is a big expat retired community here- but no.

Dh is away about one week in three, so isn't even here (but at least that means they are not rowing I suppose.)

For the record, I would not be happy if my parents wanted to stay that long either. They normally come for about two- three weeks and it's enough.

I sound like a complete cow, but would AIBU to say I don't want her for that long and she needs to go back with DD1 mid-jan?

OP posts:
Onsera3 · 01/10/2013 14:53

YANBU

My own mum came to stay for 2 months and spent time btw mine and my sister's on other side of town. She was capable of doing solo outings, can speak the language etc

It was still too long.

DH is being unreasonable.

EldritchCleavage · 01/10/2013 15:54

MrRected I think you have been quite unreasonably unpleasant to Sybil, and I think you should apologise for how you expressed yourself.

garlicvampire · 01/10/2013 16:14

Hear, hear, Eldritch.

friday16 · 01/10/2013 16:24

Is there anything more predictable that in a thread involving criticism of living relatives someone will reply "I wish I had a [relative], mine died and I would tolerate [whatever the thread is about] to have one [day, week, year] with her and you're all insensitive to my loss"? Often with added swearing to show that they care more than anyone else does?

It's an MSE specialism, but it now spread much more widely. Why do people do it? What are they saying: because their [relative] died, no-one should criticise their [relatives]? It's a combination of misdirected de mortuis nil nisi bonum (because the person being criticised isn't dead), emotional exhibitionism and competitive grief.

Everyone is someone's child, and everyone eventually loses their parents. That doesn't make it unacceptable to complain about one's parents.

Thumbwitch · 01/10/2013 16:41

It is pretty predictable, yes friday.

In contrast though, I wouldn't have my Mum to stay for 3m even if she were alive now. She would have driven me demented within a fortnight.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2013 17:50

I did spend nearly 3 months with my mum when DS was a baby. I love my mother dearly and she was only in her late 60's relatively spritely then and she's good company.

We nearly murdered each other at times and I wouldn't do it again by choice.

Preciousbane · 01/10/2013 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

agedknees · 01/10/2013 18:09

Voice of experience here. When we lived in oz, I had my mil stay for 14 weeks.

Dh was away for about half that time on business.

Mil and my relationship has never recovered (she did some pretty nasty things to me in those 14 weeks).

Just say no, for your sanitys sake.

MistressIggi · 01/10/2013 18:14

No no no no.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 01/10/2013 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavantGuard · 01/10/2013 18:22

Another one who is wondering if the MIL has any idea that a three month stay is being suggested. Is it possible that your SIL needs a break?

justanuthermanicmumsday · 01/10/2013 18:23

MrRected I agree with you and why shouldn't kids put up with their parents for 3 months out of a year it's not asking much. They bore us through childhood and even adulthood and did baby sitting for the grand kids. I think it's incredibly selfish to have zero patience for a short space of timel 3 months for a house full of guests is too much. But 3 months for one person who is close family is not too much.

I would view it this way she's not staying forever let's plan things she can do alone and things we can do together to get through the period with a more positive outlook. Being negative will only make things worse.

if my husband said my father couldn't come and stay with me for such a period there would be arguments. End of the day my parents were there for me before any guy in my life. They have superior status.

Parents who look after their kids will more than often but not always have kids who will lovingly look after them in old age. Call me old fashioned but I'd rather have my kids care for me should I live into old age rather than strangers who don't give a damn about me in a care home.

Btw I do sympathise I know fully how you are feeling I live with my mil but my attitude is she is old and probably won't outlive me so I try and accommodate as much as possible. It's not all rosy but it's not totally depressing either it has it's perks.

diddl · 01/10/2013 18:28

But it's not OPs parent, is it?

Patosshades · 01/10/2013 18:34

All of these posts dotted around the boards where the magnificant husbands have flashes of inspiration to have their own mothers come stay whith them for outrageously long amounts of time. All the while the husband will be carrying on with life as normal while the wife is expected to be bloody entertainer for the MIL.

Bloody does my nut in. NO NO NO to all of these deluded man fools.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 01/10/2013 19:30

No not ops parent but it is her partners and they share a home so she has a right to stay just as ops parents have a right to stay. He should however play more of a role if he wants her staying rather than putting all the responsibility on you.

friday16 · 01/10/2013 19:43

No not ops parent but it is her partners and they share a home so she has a right to stay just as ops parents have a right to stay.

"Right" is awfully strong. I'd say that if a house is jointly owned, no-one other than the joint owners have a "right" to stay there. The argument that someone has the "right" to invite their parents to stay for three months without the other's consent seems dubious. Yes, I realise that "you can't have your mother to stay" can be an abusive tactic by a controlling abuser: that doesn't appear to be the case here.

If my partner moved their mother in for three months I'd move out, and sort the mess out later. I doubt I'm alone in that, and I don't believe that makes me controlling.

diddl · 01/10/2013 19:44

That's the thing, isn't it-what's he willing to do towards his mum staying-not much by the sounds of it!!

ZingWantsCake · 01/10/2013 20:25

justanut

actually when you marry your spouse becomes priority.
you two are made one and noone should ever come between the two of you!

"a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh"
Genesis 2:24

all MILs of the brides should be given this verse printed out on the day of their sons get married.

MistressIggi · 01/10/2013 20:31

Zing, in this case it's the dh who might've needed to see that verse, not the mil.

travailtotravel · 01/10/2013 20:37

Shoot me now before this happens. And I quite like my MIL.

If we're looking for a list of practical reasons, surely her house insurance wouldn't be valid after 30 days ...

MrsHoratioNelson · 01/10/2013 20:49

As spouses, partners in the relationship and (presumably) co-owners of the home, if the DH has the "right" to insist that his DM stay, OP has the right to veto that as well. You can't just insist that your spouse put up with someone staying in their home for 3 months.

A PP phrased it in such a way that made it really hit home - a quarter of a year. Just because you would be happy to entertain someone in your home that long, doesn't mean everyone else would or even should feel the same.

ZingWantsCake · 01/10/2013 21:10

Mistress true.

best print it on the seating cards Grin

diamond211 · 01/10/2013 21:24

Does she actually want to come for three months? She might hate the idea too :)

DontmindifIdo · 01/10/2013 21:27

See, if I was you OP, I'd say it was find for MIL to stay for 3 months, but you will return with DD1, spend a couple of months (or even just 1) in the UK with her, visiting your family. Really, he knows that won't work because he knows she needs looking after and entertaining, he's not going to do it himself, he's offering you for this job.

Also, unlikely this will happen, my Dad has a heart condition so can only get travel insurance for 6 weeks at a time without spending a huge amount of money (they have a holiday home in france and would love to spend longer times out there, but just can't due to this).

3 weeks is fine, it's a good 'break' for SIL is that's an issue, and a good compromise might be that your DH takes some annual leave when he goes back to the UK for his business trip and then stays with her for a week or 2 without any of you.

(plus if you've convinced her she has to come out with DD1 to look after DD1, will she not question tht suddenly DD1 can go back to the UK on her own?)

FriskyHenderson · 01/10/2013 21:35

Go down the insurance route as mentioned above.

Travel insurance will be a fortune for that time (my friend's DM broke a leg in the US and the cost was £30k because the insurance had run out)

House insurance at home also an issue.