To think using donor eggs is selfish

[Dilemma81]

I have had multiple miscarriages. I have been trying for a baby for over 5 years and the last ivf round has now failed. Although i’m in my early 30s, using an egg donor has been mentioned several times now because it seems my eggs are not good quality. Whilst I wouldn’t ever judge other people’s choices for using an egg donor, I have been up all night wondering about the ethics of going down this route for us. I don’t have religious beliefs so that’s not my problem. But is it selfish to go down this route? If I think about the child, how would they feel when they are a certain age to learn that I’m not their biological mother? Part of them would surely be missing and they surely would be wondering who they are. On the other hand, I’m desperate for my husband to be a dad and I know he would be up for the idea of donor eggs. But again, I keep thinking that nature is telling us something and perhaps it is wrong to try and defy it. Very interested to hear what people think.

I want to applaud your second paragraph Cingo

thanks Cou!

I don't think it's selfish. The donor made her own decisions.

I'll probably get flamed for this however but as you will carry the child, the birth certificate will show the 2 of you as parents, the 2 of you are bringing the child up, the donor mother will have no involvement why is there a need to even tell?

(In saying that I'm assuming the egg is provided by an anonymous donor rather than a friend or family member)

I'm not convinced by all this " have to know about my DNA" stuff and I say that as someone who doesn't know and doesn't care.

I think it's utterly immoral to hide their genetic history from a child. What of one day they need a transplant or happen to over hear something. It is disgusting that in this day and age people think it's ok to hide something like that from a child.

I found out my DM was adopted as an adult and I can tell you it has ruined my relationship with her. She let me go for genetic testing for breast cancer as my DGM had suffered from it, knowing perfectly well that I wasn't actually related to her.

Lies and secrets always out. What is just accepted by a child is a horrible shock for a person in their 20's.

Cingolimama

yes that's correct, the birth mother is indeed the biological mother.

With the advance of science in this area its becoming increasingly understood that epigenetics (how genes are expressed etc..) and the environment the baby grows in play an extremely significant role in the creation of the baby so its fair to say that the contribution of the birth mother and her biology play a greater role in influencing the outcome than either of the genetic parents. In that sense the recipient of an egg donation is more the actual parent!

So you are being unreasonable as you would be the biological mother and you would be underestimating the biological influence you would have on the child.

I never buy the nature argument because we dont apply it to medical intervention with regard to illness.

To people recommending the Donor Conception Network: some resources are free but, for example, to be connected to other people in the network (arguably the whole point) and to access some resources, you have to pay £55 per couple household. Frankly, this is not very supportive when you’re grappling with infertility and with the most difficult decision you’ll probably ever have to make in your life.

Fuck you OP.

I'm sat in hospital cuddling my 5 day old DE IVF son who is something of miracle given my obstetric a and gynae history. He is so loved by both me and his father, I had no idea it was possible to feel this much love for another person and im so grateful to hve him.
He will continue to be loved, he'll be brought up in a family who are always open about where he comes from and we'll never be ashamed because there's no reason to be.

Out of curiosity do you just judge the women who use DE? Or are people who use sperm donors also being judged?

Ultimately any decision to have a child could be perceived selfish. It's never going to be for the benefit of the child is it? As prior to TTC they don't exist. So if you're going to judge me, judge every other parent or would be parent.

What about women who use sperm donors or those couples who can’t produce any gametes and use donated embryos? If you think using DE is more selfish than the other two then you are are peddling sexist drivel which is depressing as a woman!

Your mother isn't the person whose genetic material you share. Your mother is the person who loves and raises and supports you.

This is a very old zombie thread, i don’t think op is still keeping tabs on it.