Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think using donor eggs is selfish

162 replies

Dilemma81 · 30/09/2013 10:28

I have had multiple miscarriages. I have been trying for a baby for over 5 years and the last ivf round has now failed. Although i’m in my early 30s, using an egg donor has been mentioned several times now because it seems my eggs are not good quality. Whilst I wouldn’t ever judge other people’s choices for using an egg donor, I have been up all night wondering about the ethics of going down this route for us. I don’t have religious beliefs so that’s not my problem. But is it selfish to go down this route? If I think about the child, how would they feel when they are a certain age to learn that I’m not their biological mother? Part of them would surely be missing and they surely would be wondering who they are. On the other hand, I’m desperate for my husband to be a dad and I know he would be up for the idea of donor eggs. But again, I keep thinking that nature is telling us something and perhaps it is wrong to try and defy it. Very interested to hear what people think.

OP posts:
Phonics4all · 16/01/2014 20:25

I just saw this thread. I realise its been a few months since you posted.
However, if you haven't yet made a decision on this, I'd recommend you read the stories on www.anonymousus.org. This site gives the accounts of the full range of participants, from egg and sperm donors, to the recipients, to adult donor-conceived children. Its food for thought.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 16/01/2014 21:15

I don't think it's selfish but when I was with my ex our only option to have a child was donor sperm. After a lot of thought we decided we couldn't go down that route - it wasn't right for us.

Take your time, talk about it and only go for it if you are sure. It's a very personal decision with many pros and cons.

DixieGoesToHollywood · 16/01/2014 21:59

Nasty thread title.

I'd hate to hear what you think of me and my DP - two lesbians who will have a baby using an unknown sperm donor Biscuit

Waltonswatcher1 · 16/01/2014 22:09

How can the gift of life be selfish?
My friend used a donor egg.
She is already introducing story books especially covering this topic and he is only a toddler. I will read those same stories to my toddler so this becomes a non issue for their friendship.
She is an amazing mum .
I hope you reach a decision you are happy with.

Coumarin · 17/01/2014 01:00

I wish this had a different thread title. I avoided it like the plague when it was first posted thinking it'd upset me but there's actually some good advice posted from those who've experienced it.

No it is not selfish. Yes yabu if that's what you think. No yanbu to have doubts and lots of questions.

Coumarin · 17/01/2014 01:00

Thanks Good luck Dixie.

Thants · 17/01/2014 02:34

I agree op. I think using donor eggs and surrogacy is wrong. It devalues women and I think it is wrong to use women's bodies for personal gain especially for money!
Adopt Smile

Dromedary · 17/01/2014 03:34

If you choose the donor carefully based on sufficient information and they are if at all possible traceable once the child is 18, and if you are able to accept that the child will not be your biological child, but will be your husband's biological child (I think some people can find that difference hard), and if you feel that you can be good parents (not everyone is suited to parenthood), then I don't think it's more selfish than having your own biological child. Make sure the child understands it from the word go and they will very probably take it in their stride.
It would, however, be far less selfish again to adopt a child who needs parents. Not saying that you should though, more than the rest of us.

BohemianGirl · 17/01/2014 06:16

I believe nature has a way of sorting things out.

My first husband and I never had children, we didnt use contraception. We were together 4 years.

Both he and I have gone into other relationships and remarried. He's certainly managed to have several children as have I. Neither of us have fertility problems

I think nature knew we were a bad combo.

EmmaBemma · 17/01/2014 06:47

I don't believe that nature "knows" anything. Shit happens, is my view- anything else is dangerously close to saying that people somehow deserve to have infertility problems.

Thants, I have been an anonymous egg donor twice. I didn't claim any payment. Nobody "used" my body- the previous few eggs I managed to squeeze out were a gift freely given.

janey68 · 17/01/2014 07:03

I agree that you shouldn't use a donor egg OP, as you obviously think its wrong.

However, I entirely disagree that it's selfish . Certainly no more so than having a child any other way, in that having a baby is inherently 'selfish' in that we do it because we want to. I would far rather a couple think through carefully all the implications of deciding to bring a new life into the world, than see babies being conceived without a second thought by a couple in a crap relationship, or a one night stand. And what about the children who are raised with a lack of stimulation, emotional support etc? Now that's selfish... Now that's selfish... To have a child without accepting the responsibility that goes with it.

As witnessed on this thread, there are altruistic women out there who are freely giving the greatest gift to people who will raise a child in a loving and happy home. If you have a problem with that, then it's important that you don't do it

Cheesy123 · 17/01/2014 09:49

There is more to being a mum than just giving birth or having the same genes.

Slainte · 18/01/2014 10:56

Nature didn't know you were a bad match Bohemian, what a twattish thing to say.

Does that mean that all couples struggling with infertility are "a bad match"? Angry

Slainte · 18/01/2014 10:59

Thants how exactly are women being devalued by donating/receiving eggs???

formerbabe · 18/01/2014 11:04

I don't think it is selfish.

However, I would never donate my eggs, nor would I want to become pregnant with someone else's eggs.

I do know that is very easy for me to say, as I have not had any fertility problems.

eurochick · 18/01/2014 11:24

OP, there is a lot to get your head around with any kind of fertility treatment. I struggled with the concept of IVF full stop. I hated the artificiality of the process. Between egg collection and transfer, I missed my embryos, which seems ridiculous, but I wanted them back in me. Donor egg/sperm adds an additional level of issues to get your head around. It's not for everyone. It might not be for you. Your clinic will offer counselling if you are thinking about the DE route. This should help you work through your feelings. Personally, we decided to move to adoption if we were not successful with our own eggs and sperm. But that was just where I came out. A number of women on the Conception board have gone down the DE route. BTW, did you know that in the womb the embryo apparently picks up DNA from the mother, so even if the egg is not yours, the embryo will pick up bits of "you" as it grows. There are some articles about this you can track down if you are interested.

mrsjay · 18/01/2014 11:39

an egg does not make you any less a mother as anybody else what about sperm is that selfish too ? i hope you manage to reach a decision about this but i think you have to talk this through with your Drs really, the baby would still be yours

Slatecross · 18/01/2014 14:04

Bohemian chew on my big hard Biscuit

UptheChimney · 18/01/2014 15:14

But again, I keep thinking that nature is telling us something and perhaps it is wrong to try and defy it

But you had IVF? Surely, that's a procedure which "defies nature"? I don't get it.

And no, using donor eggs is not selfish, in and of itself.

drbonnieblossman · 18/01/2014 15:22

yabu to use the thread title you have, sorry.

that aside, its a personal individual decision, too difficult to make if you have recently undergone the trauma of an unsuccessful ivf process.

for me, adoption or fostering would be preferable.

drbonnieblossman · 18/01/2014 15:24

chimney, ivf does not defy nature. icsi does, but not ivf.

drbonnieblossman · 18/01/2014 15:24

chimney, ivf does not defy nature. icsi does, but not ivf.

drbonnieblossman · 18/01/2014 15:24

yabu to use the thread title you have, sorry.

that aside, its a personal individual decision, too difficult to make if you have recently undergone the trauma of an unsuccessful ivf process.

for me, adoption or fostering would be preferable.

drbonnieblossman · 18/01/2014 15:28

sorry for the multiples

cingolimama · 19/01/2014 14:29

Can I just clarify that women who conceive with donor eggs ARE THE BIOLOGICAL MOTHERS of the child. They are not the genetic mothers.

Also, can we have done on this and other threads from posters who say "oh, I could never (shudder) do IVF or use donor egg" followed closely by "of course, I never had any problems conceiving". Really you know nothing.

OP I'm so sorry you're having difficulties and I forgive your silly thread title. It's a tough road ahead, whatever you decide. However, could I offer one piece of advice: Yes it's going to be difficult. But keep your eyes on the prize. Imagine a child in your arms, to love and cherish. Keep that image in your head and heart and it may give you courage.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Swipe left for the next trending thread