To think it disrespectful to leave the dinner table when others are still eating?

[ItsDecisionTime]

Eating meals in our house is turning into feeding time at the zoo. AIBU to think that if I spend an hour or two preparing and cooking a nice family dinner that my dp shouldn't get up and leave the table when the rest of us are still eating so he can go outside and have a cigarette, then come in and start to clear the table? He even leaves me to finish a meal in a cafe or restaurant, pays the bill then stands outside smoking while I finish. I recently spent a week with his sister and her family, who are all lovely and generous by the way, but they do the same. She spends all afternoon cooking a really nice meal then the minute anyone of them are finished, they get up and start clearing away. I spoke to him about it and he can't see what the problem is, says eating for him is just about fuelling up for getting back to work whereas for me, having dinner as a family is a social occasion as is eating out. Clearly there are times when having a quick sandwich or snack is appropriate but I find it really disrespectful that I should work hard to create a lovely meal for it to be wolfed down in 2 minutes. I've tried spreading out the time between courses but this just results in him sitting outside smoking until the next course is ready. It's driving me insane.

Threalamandaclarke Very funny but he already thinks I menopausal and might just put it down to me forgetting we're doing it in the first place

In our house if it's a meal at the table we all ask permission to leave the table as basic manners if its before everyone has finished it is to deal with bodily functions or other important duties but when possible we return to the table and clear when all finished.

Late to the conversation here; just told off my husband and adult son for clearing table while I was still eating. I shouted, "You both act like you were raised by wolves and you suck." (They've done this to me for years. Don't know why tonight it went critical mass.)

I'm never proud of shouting but I feel relieved that I got it off my chest.

You are totally not being unreasonable in the jolly slightest.
I remember getting a very numb bum as a child when forced to wait for my gran to finish eating. She was the 'chew each mouthful thirty times' variety.
And I am afraid I won't allow a waiter/waitress to start clearing a table before everyone has finished - drives me bonkers when that happens. Basic protocol, surely?

It's exceptionally bad manners. Leaving you sat alone to finish eating in a restaurant is unforgivable.

If you have tried talking to him about this and he still insists that his meals are just pre - cigarette fuel and he has no interest in sharing a conversation with you, I would stop cooking for him.

Yanbu, it's very bad manners.

YANBU Ahhh this is one of my biggest bug bears. My DH & all of his family do this (non smokers) as soon as they are finished inserting the last bite they get up before they have even swallowed it & go into another room or start to clear the table/wash dishes. I've asked on many ocassions & been ignored or laughed at for being an etiquitte freak. I asked his mother why they do it & she's said "they are adults, they do as they please".

Watching with interest.

Can I raise you Dh bringing out pudding before everyone has finished main course?

Just not good parenting to my mind.

Your DP is very very rude.

Saying that I don't have a dinner table, and rarely spend much time cooking...I always felt terribly self conscious at the table as a child (with other people - not my parents, but grandparents etc) so for my own nervous disposition I used to ask to leave the table and was generally allowed to.

That's why I don't have a table for eating at at home - my children eat watching TV sitting on their little chairs or on the floor, or at a low table in the living room, normally.

I don't do formal dining. But still your DP sounds like an absolute arse.

I think in that situation I'd stop cooking for him and let him make his own till he showed some appreciation.

I'm in the fence about this. Yes it's rude to leave the table while others are eating, but I did exactly that several times at our family Xmas meal. I have social aniexty and can not stomach to eat a meal without feeling ill. X

The thing is it isn't about forcing someone to sit still and wait for you to finish. It's not that.

It's the fact he has broken off the interaction with you, that is so rude.

Finishing a meal that has been part of the 'never ending conversation' that is marriage/long term commitment, to go and do something you have both agreed needs to be done, or whatever, is fine...but finishing a meal and buggering off, rather than speaking to you as he helps clear the table/wash up etc seems like a symptom of emotional detachment - he's seeing you as the person who cooks for him, not someone he wants to be around.

I may be wrong. But that's the thing that would bother me.

Are there other signs of this? Has he got a life that is very separate from yours? He is taking you for granted for sure...his body is elsewhere, literally, and so is his mind.

Hmm.

It's definitely not ok to leave you eating alone in a restaurant.

However at home you should just accept you both have different eating styles. It's not like your style is right and his is wrong.

People who are into cooking and eating slowly need to understand that that is their choice and not try to impose it on those who aren't interested.

I eat quickly, food is mainly to refuel for me. Slow eaters are torturous to me. Just eat the food already! If it takes longer to cook it than eat it then I've lost interest already!

I get that some like to cook and so make the right noises when someone has gone to a special effort but I would feel irritated if I was expected to partake in doing things their way every day!

If my partner left me alone in a restaurant, I'd order another glass of wine and wait for him to come back and find me!

I'm an ex-smoker and know how strong the craving after dinner is but would only ever have popped for a quick ciggie and dashed back ASAP if I absolutely couldn't wait.

scarlet, I don't think people are 'into' slow eating, it is just what they do (and it is generally more pleasant to dine with someone like that than someone who wolfs every mouthful like a starved neanderthal!).
Are you 'into' slow walking? I probably walk much faster than you, but would keep at your pace for social reasons and so that you didn't feel you were trespassing on my oh-so-valuable time.

I'm very impressed with all the people on here who just KNOW their preference is the RIGHT way of doing things and that equals good manners. I'd say it's just as rude to insist that someone sits with you, after they're finished, while you slowly eat. Manners is about consideration for others - not obliging everyone else to do what you want them to. I frequently finish and clear up while dh still eating and he doesn't mind. If there are differences which cause you to fume then talk about it but be prepared to hear that you're just as annoying to them.

Oh dear pigs. Some of these posts make me and I am not a slow eater, probably average. I just wouldn't dream of disrespecting someone and making them feel rushed.

It's nice that your DH doesn't mind you getting up and clearing away while he's still eating Ihavenopigs, but I still maintain that it's not good manners. I eat fast, as does my DH and DS1, and I think it would be horrible if we all got up from the table and left DS2 to finish his tea alone.

*I'm a very slow eater and I often feel uncomfortable that I'm still eating while other people are finished but dont want to leave the table because it seems rude.

I cant understand how they can eat so quickly, I'm certainly not slow on purpose*

Thank goodness someone else who knows what this is like! People don't eat slowly on purpose, some of us simply cannot help it. I am better now than I used to be, but as a child and young adult I was often very self-concious about being the last to finish.

And if people around you start showing their impatience or clearing away around you then that absolutely will not make you speed up. One of two things happen:

a) You feel so flustered you just leave what is left on your plate even though you are still enjoying it.
b) Your throat seems to constrict, the food is harder to get down and you just get slower and slower.

I remember how when I was younger, if I went out with a group of people for a meal, I would be monitoring how close the other people were to finishing to make sure that I put my knife and fork down while at least one, or preferably two, other people were still eating so it looked as though I had stopped because I had had enough and not because I was worried about being the last.

I didn't read into the OP that anyone was eating particularly slowly. It may only be a matter of minutes before the last person finishes, so it really is just about good manners. At home, meal times are family time. A time to catch up on your day. They don't take up a large part of the evening, and TV, Facebook, iPad etc are not more important, especially when there's the iPlayer for later on.

And I'm with mim78 on pudding not coming out until everyone's finished the main course, even if it's just a yogurt and especially if plates from the main course are still on the table.

Encouraging good manners at home means your DC will hopefully show they have good manners when they eat elsewhere.

Oh, one of my old posts under new discussion!

Ii told him how disrespectful it was and he's stopped doing it (wasn't even aware it could ever be considered a problem). If he comes into the house to eat whilst he's working on a job and has to get right back then I've learned to relax about that, I just feed him and push him out the door as quickly as possible.

It isn't about me being a slow eater either. Perhaps I would order something hot whilst he ordered a cake so it's obviously going to take me longer to eat it. Or I order coffee and he orders a beer.

Anyway, I'm pleased to say we've crossed that bridge and left it firmly behind us. He's also stopped smoking which is an added benefit.

Didn't even spot the zombie nature of the thread :) Glad it's all resolved now.