To think it disrespectful to leave the dinner table when others are still eating?

[ItsDecisionTime]

Eating meals in our house is turning into feeding time at the zoo. AIBU to think that if I spend an hour or two preparing and cooking a nice family dinner that my dp shouldn't get up and leave the table when the rest of us are still eating so he can go outside and have a cigarette, then come in and start to clear the table? He even leaves me to finish a meal in a cafe or restaurant, pays the bill then stands outside smoking while I finish. I recently spent a week with his sister and her family, who are all lovely and generous by the way, but they do the same. She spends all afternoon cooking a really nice meal then the minute anyone of them are finished, they get up and start clearing away. I spoke to him about it and he can't see what the problem is, says eating for him is just about fuelling up for getting back to work whereas for me, having dinner as a family is a social occasion as is eating out. Clearly there are times when having a quick sandwich or snack is appropriate but I find it really disrespectful that I should work hard to create a lovely meal for it to be wolfed down in 2 minutes. I've tried spreading out the time between courses but this just results in him sitting outside smoking until the next course is ready. It's driving me insane.

YADNBU this is such bad manners! Would drive me crazy!

Especially in a restaurant!

I had an ex who used to do it with drinks when we were out in a bar-as soon as he'd done he'd get up and put his coat on and basically stand there until I'd given up or finished.... --Obvious why hes an ex People need to be taught manners

My dh always eats slower than me (I'm a fast eater) and I've spent many times watching him eat, but I use this time to TALK to him because I like his company and we have a nice time. I don't smoke but surely he can sit with his family for the 15 mins it takes everyone to finish.

Clearing the table whilst others are eating is rude, especially if you are all chatting. Doesn't he want to chat?

Tbh, I would stay and chat to my dc if my dh left the table, he wouldn't make us rush, stop us chatting or be allowed to clear.

Restaurants - that's very rude. Can't he pace himself when eating? To leave you alone is dreadful, and having paid as well, so he has no plans to come back and see if you want anything else. I would sit there for ages myself:)

My pils make a big thing of dinner every night- can be 3 hours which is bum numbingly boring, but I put up with it now and again. Your dh could put up with it once or twice a week

I think it's bad manners too but it's clearly a habit that he has so perhaps you need to sit and talk about how it makes you feel. If it's a family thing then he probably no idea that some people may find it rude or bad mannered.

It is really rude. DP smokes but he has never, ever gotten up in the middle of a meal and left me sat there to go and smoke, nor does he rush off when he's finished to go and smoke.

But, I will say that waiting for really slow eaters to finish can be so frustrating. I'm talking people who pick at everything and who chew every mouthful 20 times and who set their cutlery down between every mouthful all the time. If it annoys you, though, tell him you'd like to him to stay and chat - if he's done it all his life, he might not realise how rude he's being.

I don't know. We sit down to eat at home and teach good manners but it's a lot more relaxed. We know how to behave when people some over for dinner or if we're eating out but aren't so rigid when it's just us.

I think it is disrespectful. I get annoyed if I have to cook & lay the table, I don't see why I should do both. DCs clear the table & load the dishwasher & can then go back to what they were doing. Lots of interesting conversations take place over meals. We've always used these rules, right from when DCs first started not to use high chairs. They used to say 'Thank you please may I leave the table' I'm not sure when that stopped.

So if he can't see what the problem is, what do you think you should do about it OP?

You could start by telling him not to clear the table until everyone is finished. Before you go out to your next restaurant meal, yell him youd rather not bother if it means you will be left sitting alone.

Personally I think it's possible to teach your children manners even if some members of your family don't fit in.

At least people go outside to smoke these days. In my childhood there were ashtrays on the table, smoke drifting in our faces and elderly relatives removing and sucking dentures .

It didn't prevent my mum teaching us that this was bad manners.

*That should of course be tell him, not yell him!

Sounds like he doesn't want to talk to you. Do you talk at other times?

Paying before you've finished is incredibly rude and is abandoning you, socially, in a public place. It communicates that the date was so bad it is prematurely over.

Wht is he clearing, just his plate (bad enough) or clearing up around you to hurry you up and declare you finished too?

I also hate it when restaurants clear plates before everyone has finished, it is rushing the others, though I think some cultures see it as inattentive not to.

I do think I wouldn't want to go to another restaurant with such a person. I'd ask whether he actually wanted to spend the evening with me this time. If not, I'd suggest he 'refuel' with something cheap and simple at home and I'd go out and be social and enjoy good food with friends. He must be very good in bed for you to tolerate this behaviour.

I am surprised by some of the replies on this thread. I was brought up in what I thought was a well-mannered family. At normal mealtimes, we were allowed to leave the table if given permission by DM. I don't remember her ever refusing it. We knew that we were only expected to remain at the big extended family dinners, e.g. on Christmas Day or New Years Day, or of course when we were eating at another person's house.

At restaurants we stayed at table until everyone was ready to go. Leastways, that was the case until my two elder siblings took up smoking, and had to pop outside to enjoy their poison while we enjoyed a different sort of poison inside.

By contrast, DW will clear off as soon as she's finished without a word, and on occasion will delay coming to table until she's finished what she's doing, e.g. working on an email at the computer which is right next to the dinner table. That really does wind me up, but she can't see what's wrong with it at all.

YANBU - I think it's OK for small children who don't have the patience to wait and aren't old enough to make conversation - so DC's can get down usually within 5 minutes or so of having finished their food by which time the whining is too much to bear - but for an addult to behave like that is unacceptable.

Your DH needs an ultimatum - either he gets the food you cook and he has the common decency to be good company for the meal, or if he just wants a refuel and no human contact he can buy or make himself a sandwich. No more home cooked food to be eaten in such a rude manner.

My DP is the slowest eater in the world, it's really tedious to sit and wait. Every. Single. Meal. Time. For. Him. To. Carefully. Construct. Each. Fork. Full. And. Slowly. Raise. It. To. His. Mouth. And. Chew. Very. Slowly.

So yeah, if it's late on a weekday I actually find it really fucking rude that he thinks a good use of my time is to sit at the dinner table for another 20 mins while he eats like a tortoise. Much more efficient for me to clear up, then return to the table for a short amount of time. We eat in the kitchen so not like I'm going anywhere.

I'm with Olgaga. It's an ordinary daily meal not a formal occasion.
Maybe OP has a point if her spouse never thanks her for the meal.
I love to go to meals with always-formal folk like this & I end up chatting so much that everyone else sits around on their hands glaring at me because I haven't eaten fast enough & they're desperate to keep to schedule & eat their pudding.
All because of having to stick to their rigid rules of behaviour.
How silly for a bunch of Adults to behave.

but it's not necessarily about having a schedule lljkk - it's about spending time with your family. If people are slow eaters then other people chat while they finish up. I wonder if we all just have so many things that MUST be done nowadays that we've forgotten how nice it is to sit and do nothing but pass the time.

Yanbu at all. In your shoes, I don't think I could ever go to another restaurant again, how rude of your dP!

If he sees eating merely as refueling, maybe do a lovely dinner for the people in your family who have manners and then stick something in the microwave for him. Even ordinary family meals should be times when a family displays enough respect for each other to behave in a civilised fashion.

^^ What CaptChaos said! If he CBA to show some basic manners, let him eat beans on toast. That will fuel him up nicely. I'd be tempted to suggest he eats it out in the garden or wherever he goes to smoke too - that will save him some extra time. Not sure why, but this has really annoyed me

Would he really care if he was given beans on toast? Probably not, so what purpose would it serve?

I am interested that you have spent a couple of hours on the meal. Is this true every day? that does seem rather a lot to invest in a routine daily thing.

I get very bored eating at table. Sitting still for half an hour while others slowly eat is something I will do in a good cause- if we have older family guests for instance- but I would hate for it to be part of every day in my own home.

I suggest you have a proper family meal onec a week- say Friday nights- when he is not allowed to do this. Other nights make a simpler meal that is over sooner, and take a more informal approach.

is this a special occasiin thing or an every day thing?

special iccasion thing, yanbu

every day thing, yabu. it doesnt sound like he wants the full downton abbey dining experience.

easy solution is to stop spending so much time and effort cooking, get him to do a few meals

What does it matter if one person is a slow eater, when sitting at the table to eat a meal together is a sociable activity anyway. Wouldn't that time be spent - oh, I don't know - TALKING! Most people I know love talking about themselves, and what better way to do it than when the other person has got their mouth full

Seriously though, YANBU op. There's no excuse for such obvious rudeness. I was dragged up, but I still understand THIS concept, it's not rocket science.

I'd say - 'do you want to sit down for a nice meal and talk with me, or take a sandwich and a double decker into the back garden while you smoke your fags?'. As for the poster who said 'would you want him seething having to sit with you while you finish', how bloody depressing is that? If I thought my dh would be 'seething' 'having' to sit and talk with me, I think the relationship would already be over.

I'm not a huge stickler for manners for the sake of it but this would annoy me.

Especially in restaurants, who wants to sit on their own eating?

I don't think it's unusual to take a couple of hours on an everyday meal either (including cooking time).