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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it disrespectful to leave the dinner table when others are still eating?

123 replies

ItsDecisionTime · 30/09/2013 00:03

Eating meals in our house is turning into feeding time at the zoo. AIBU to think that if I spend an hour or two preparing and cooking a nice family dinner that my dp shouldn't get up and leave the table when the rest of us are still eating so he can go outside and have a cigarette, then come in and start to clear the table? He even leaves me to finish a meal in a cafe or restaurant, pays the bill then stands outside smoking while I finish. I recently spent a week with his sister and her family, who are all lovely and generous by the way, but they do the same. She spends all afternoon cooking a really nice meal then the minute anyone of them are finished, they get up and start clearing away. I spoke to him about it and he can't see what the problem is, says eating for him is just about fuelling up for getting back to work whereas for me, having dinner as a family is a social occasion as is eating out. Clearly there are times when having a quick sandwich or snack is appropriate but I find it really disrespectful that I should work hard to create a lovely meal for it to be wolfed down in 2 minutes. I've tried spreading out the time between courses but this just results in him sitting outside smoking until the next course is ready. It's driving me insane.

OP posts:

Retroformica · 30/09/2013 12:39

Meal times are family times for us. We chat. There is no fiddling if thumbs as people are engaged.

ICameOnTheJitney · 30/09/2013 12:43

We chat too....but not indefinitely.

Andro · 30/09/2013 12:44

His actions at home display poor manners and set a poor example.

To leave you in a restaurant? That is a direct insult - and in a formal establishment will be seen as such. Leaving ahead of your 'date' for anything other than an emergency (with the apologies which would accompany such a situation) sends the message that your company is so offensive as to be intolerable.

Beastofburden · 30/09/2013 12:44

random - I do see what you mean. But the different speeds in eating can make this unfair in the other direction.

randomAXEofkindness · 30/09/2013 12:50

Nobody's saying that you would stay there indefinitely icame. Just that you shouldn't leave before everybody has finished eating for no good reason, and that this wouldn't be a chore if you enjoyed the company you were in. Usually our dinners end with a small person shouting their head off: 'WIPE MMMYYYY BUUUMMM!' [GRIN]

randomAXEofkindness · 30/09/2013 12:50

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 30/09/2013 12:51

So he sees eating as just something that has to be done and then you can get back to whatever it was you were doing, whereas you want him to see the social side of it and do it as an activity with you, like going to the cinema or for a walk?

Have you put it like that? compared it to non food activities that you do together?

I think he is being unreasonable if he refuses to participate in it as a social activity every now and again. God knows there's lots of stuff I do with my husband not because I'm thrilled to be doing it but because he really wants to enjoy it with me. And vice versa.

I think he's missing the point of why you want him to remain at the table.
And the walking out when he's finished at the restaurant is really rude!

Just because it doesn't matter to him, doesn't mean he is incapable of understanding THAT it matters to you even if he can't grasp WHY it matters to you - and doesn't mean he can't do it now and again just because you really would love it. Same as I am sure there are things that you would do not because it makes sense to you but because it makes him happy.

That's part of a loving relationship, I would have thought.

Perhaps you should try to explain it to him in a different way? Ask him why it is that he can't do it simply because he knows it would mean a lot to you, particularly since he is not injured in any way by doing something as simple as waiting for you to finish a meal and continuing to chat with you while you do so.

randomAXEofkindness · 30/09/2013 12:53

Maybe my perspective is a bit skewed because everyone in my family eats like they don't know where the next meal is coming from

Beastofburden · 30/09/2013 13:06

random sounds like me

I do agree that you ought to let everyone finish. And the thing about leaving during a restaurant meal is just weird.

I am biased as my DD and MIL eat as if they will be put to death if they finish, its like 1001 nights, always one more spoonful/anecdote/absolutely unnecessary staring into space. For ages. Whereas DS and I eat like trains. To prevent bloodshed we have had to compromise....

Original poster

ItsDecisionTime · 30/09/2013 14:02

I like to cook and enjoy creating food that people enjoy eating. Of course it doesn't take me two hours to cook something every night but by the time you factor in planning what to have, buying the ingredients, preparation, cooking, laying the table, serving then two hours goes by in no time. I asked him how he would feel if we went out to dinner with some of his friends and I continued to play with my phone during dinner then got up, paid while they were still eating and sat outside texting my friends. He couldn't see the comparison and just said it would reflect badly on me but nobody would think the worse of him for me doing it.

OP posts:

Andro · 30/09/2013 14:11

and just said it would reflect badly on me

Can he not see then, how it reflects badly on him when he does similar to you - even if he can't see his actions in a restaurant for the insult it is?

Beastofburden · 30/09/2013 14:45

I like to cook and enjoy creating food that people enjoy eating

I think that's what I am trying to say. You enjoy it, but have you asked whether he does, or wants to do this? It's so easy to think of cooking and eating long meals as a natural activity, that sometimes people forget that not everyone wants to be committed to that every evening. The fact that you have spent a long time doing it just increases the emotional pressure to join in.

Try to imagine it as another activity- say, knitting, or motorbike racing.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/09/2013 16:50

So it matters to him what his friends think of him but not what you think of him - so how he behaves towards his friends but not towards you. Is that right?

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/09/2013 17:20

My adult SS gets up from the table at a family meal in a restaurant as soon as he's finished and declares he has to go now cos he's doing something more important to him meeting his mates or whatever. He also always makes the assumption (even if DH/ his dad isn't 'hosting' the meal e.g. a cousins birthday meal organised by DBIL recently) that his dad will pay for him without ever checking what the plan is for paying (i.e. is it a treat for everybody by the host or birthday girl/boy or are we all paying our own or just our own imm.family etc etc) . No he just gets up and goes and presumes daddy is paying for him. So rude and so breathtakingly entitled. DH just pays it and if l say anything of course being a SM 'I just have it in for him' or he says 'Well I was going to pay for all my (imm. obv.) family anyway , so what does it matter !?'

Will you tell him or shall I ?

cricketballs · 30/09/2013 17:32

I was brought up with the rule that no one leaves the table unless they are excused. The first time I ate with my in laws I was stunned to see people just getting up and leaving if they finished despite others still eating. It is something that I said from day 1 of us living together that I do not appreciate it and it is something that my DS have fully understood from a very early age.

My DH was quick to train the in laws also quickly understood that I would not stand for my DSs to be allowed to leave the table unless they were excused (which never happens unless a dire emergency).

Original poster

ItsDecisionTime · 01/10/2013 01:04

He really enjoys the eating bit, just can't see the social element being important. I'm not asking for it every night as I don't spend ages cooking every night but when it's a nice meal with a bottle of wine and it's taken me time to prepare then I think he should show a bit more respect. And leaving me in a restaurant, paying the bill and standing outside while I finish, that won't happen again, never, ever.

OP posts:

Lazysuzanne · 01/10/2013 01:35

I'm a very slow eater and I often feel uncomfortable that I'm still eating while other people are finished but dont want to leave the table because it seems rude.

I cant understand how they can eat so quickly, I'm certainly not slow on purpose

Threalamandaclarke · 01/10/2013 06:47

It is a bit rude IMO. Better to wait until ppl have finished. Or in the case of dcs, when adults are dawdling/ chatting/ drinking, to ask to leave the table.
Especially leaving you on your own in public. But I'm sure he doesn't mean to be rude, and it's normal for him now.
however, I can sympathise a bit. I am shattered come supper time and just want to get the marathon of cleaning up started and some ppl (dh) would stay at table for hours, finishing their thirds and the last of the Chablis. I just can't stay so still for so long.

Threalamandaclarke · 01/10/2013 06:50

Much of this is because he's a smoker living with a public space smoking ban though.

thistlelicker · 01/10/2013 06:52

My mum lights up a cig at home if she's finished even tho others r still smoking!!!! She gets shouted at each time!!! Time that's rude also!!!!

roundtable · 01/10/2013 07:07

Yanbu - my inlaws do this, I find it so rude. They also sit and eat in silence, head bent down to plate until finished.

We grew up eating at the dinner table and being told to sit up straight, don't talk with your mouth full etc. Whereas, they only sit down and eat together on special occasions, the rest of the time is tv dinners.

Dh had appalling table manners but it's gradually got better and since dc now eat solid food we eat round the table together when we can and I've banned phones but that's a whole other thread.

Beastofburden · 01/10/2013 08:22

It's decision time I agree totally with your last post. Special meals deserve respect, whether restaurant or at home.

What does he say when you challenge him? Does he make it all about the smoking? Does he need a fag every 30 minutes during the day? How does that work, when he is at work?

I bet at work he manages without a fag for an hour. So he could do it for special meals at home.

Bahhhhhumbug · 01/10/2013 11:47

thistlelicker did you mean when others are still eating , l presume ? Because yes that is very rude. DH and l were sat outside a little café but still within their little roped off bit iyswim and just having a coffee and a teacake each. This woman came and sat at table right next to us and lit up and as it was quite a breezy day (though very sunny) her cigarette smoke just enveloped us straight away. Soooo offputting. We didn't want to sit inside as we were on our bikes with nowhere to secure them properly and also why should we on a lovely day like that. Some smokers are just really inconsiderate.

Threalamandaclarke · 01/10/2013 12:44

Maybe he need to see how it feels.
Why don't you try getting up to leave in the middle of having sex. Go off and paint your nails or something (assuming you're "finished" of course )

Lazysuzanne · 01/10/2013 12:59

Ha ha:o
A woman finishing first...chance'd be a fine thing!

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