To think it disrespectful to leave the dinner table when others are still eating?

[ItsDecisionTime]

Eating meals in our house is turning into feeding time at the zoo. AIBU to think that if I spend an hour or two preparing and cooking a nice family dinner that my dp shouldn't get up and leave the table when the rest of us are still eating so he can go outside and have a cigarette, then come in and start to clear the table? He even leaves me to finish a meal in a cafe or restaurant, pays the bill then stands outside smoking while I finish. I recently spent a week with his sister and her family, who are all lovely and generous by the way, but they do the same. She spends all afternoon cooking a really nice meal then the minute anyone of them are finished, they get up and start clearing away. I spoke to him about it and he can't see what the problem is, says eating for him is just about fuelling up for getting back to work whereas for me, having dinner as a family is a social occasion as is eating out. Clearly there are times when having a quick sandwich or snack is appropriate but I find it really disrespectful that I should work hard to create a lovely meal for it to be wolfed down in 2 minutes. I've tried spreading out the time between courses but this just results in him sitting outside smoking until the next course is ready. It's driving me insane.

I rarely spend more than 40 minutes preparing dinner during the week. I might spend 2 hours at the weekend if, for example, I were doing a roast with spuds, Yorkshire, gravh etc

Two hours in an evening to cook and eat? Really? That's a long time and a lot of effort just for an everyday dinner. For us, including cooking, it's about 40 minutes.

I would hate this. It's so rude. Everyday dinners Don't have to be 'formal' to be sociable, they could take 20-30 minutes to eat and chat about the day. Can he really not go that long without a cigarette? How does he get any work done during the day?!

If this was my DH, and I'd tried explaining and all of the suggestions above and he still wasn't gettig it, I'd try appealing I his hatred if wasted money. I'd leave the restaurant and my food behind and go and buy a sandwich in front of him! Horribly passive aggressive game playing sorry!

YADNBU! That would make me really cross!

I was going to start a thread about this the other day actually but then decided not to as i'm a bit scared of AIBU! My situation was a bit different though as it was regardig my FIL. We had my in-laws round for dinner, and my 9mo sat up at the table in his highchair and ate with us- okay, he is a slow eater as it is all fairly new to him, but I like to encourage social family eating as much as possible, so usually we just sit with him chatting while he
finishes. Anyway, FIL got up and went to watch tv once all the adults had finished, and left DS still eating. I was really cross about it at the time, as he is part of the family too (obviously!) and I don't know why him not being finished is not the same as an adult being finished?! Maybe i'm just being a bit PFB though, I don't know?! I'm just not sure that is was particularly thoughtful!

YANBU

Smokers are selfish (it is impossible to be a smoker and not negatively impact others - the addiction also MAKES them selfish as their craving for nicotine over-rides basic consideration of others). They are also sadly misguided (heart disease and lung cancer are pretty unpleasant).

Your DP will not improve until he kicks his addiction. That's where he needs to focus. He needs to see that he is putting his drug cravings above his relationship with his partner. That doesn't reflect well on his priorities.

As for the poster who said 'would you want him seething having to sit with you while you finish', how bloody depressing is that? If I thought my dh would be 'seething' 'having' to sit and talk with me, I think the relationship would already be over.

This. And if I have taken the time and effort to cook for someone, in return I expect them to sit down when I tell them it is ready, stay seated until everyone has finished, and then say thank you. It's just a minimum standard for me. If someone was too rude to do that, I wouldn't bother cooking for them again.

It's more than the smoking though. A smoker in a restaurant would go out for a smoke then return to the table. This man declares the meal over while his 'D'P is still eating, pays and leaves. That's a pretty clear statements of 'I've had enough of your company, care nothing for your feelings and am happy to declare this to the world'.

At home though, yes your children will learn more powerfully by example than by telling. So, the DC reasoning, quite reasonably, will be 'if leaving the table is so bad, how come daddy does it and, it didn't put you off him - so it can't be such a social limitation, can it?'

I dont think that because someone wants to get down from table that they dont want to talk to me at other times.

Some people genuinely enjoy long lazy meals and spending a lot of time round the table, and talking to one another is part of this. My mother did, but she did not WOH even when we were bigger, so the evening family meal loomed very large in her day.

Others, which include me, are still very happy to talk to our OH and family at all kinds of times but we feel bored and trapped by having to do it stuck on a kitchen chair surrounded by people eating very slowly. In our family therefore we distinguish- a proper family meal gets due respect even from people like me who would rather not do it- but we don't have the full experience every day.

I do think it's unfair to say that if someone dislikes long meals that they "don't like talking to me at all". They do, they just dislike the format.

Smoking is another issue and seriously can't help. But the behaviour you describe sounds like someone voting with his feet. He doesn't like this focus on long, long meals- he would rather chat to you while watching the news together, or while doing something else together. But he can't say so, because the emotional temperature has been raised by you having taken such care and time over his meal, and feeling personally rejected when he doesn't want to do it the way that you had thought would be nice.

We all had elderly relatives who got all upset if you didn't eat their food. It's not a good way to go and not a good example for your DC.

Why not talk to him about other kinds of family time, and agree a more flexible approach to routine weekday meals, with special meals subject to much more respect?

And show him the vaping thread

Doodle, I don't think YABU either. It's rude. Of course your little ds deserves the same respect as anyone else. And a 9mo eating is extremely friggin cute! It's upsetting when people don't value the people you love like you do, I can see why you were offended.

And what is everybody making for all their evening meals that only takes 40mins from start to finish?

I don't think it's on for the OP's DH to be offered the get out of not eating with the OP, or at least not all the time. Firstly, why should he "win" by getting to do what he wants all the time? Why can't he at least sit at the table and chat like an adult for half the meals?

I would never insist that DH sit with me if he genuinely had something else to be getting on with that couldn't wait, but clearing the table, watching telly and smoking can all definitely wait. FGS, can smokers really not wait for a cigarette for an hour, say, while they enjoy a dinner with their OH?

Random- Thank you I am glad I am not the only one who thought it was rude! 9mo are unbelievably cute when eating, so FIL missed out I think!

The OP is being very reasonable by saying that she doesn't expect this all the time- just when she has made an effort. That's quite different from expecting it every single day.

Those who are saying- "if I cook then I expect him to spend an hour eating it"- that is reasonable only if he has agreed he would like you to do this. It's not reasonable if you decide unilaterally that you like long meals, and use your time and trouble spent (which he didn't ask you to do) to put pressure on him to comply.

OP- does he smoke every 30 minutes normally? or just at mealtimes?
And how many "proper" meals a week do you do, and how many "informals"?

If he can normally go 30 minutes without a fag, then it may be the frequency of "proper" vs "informal" meals. Can you two discuss this? If it is the context of you offering more "informals", but expecting certain behaviour for "proper" meals he may feel less trapped than if you make it all about spending more time at table.

My husband eats very slowly and the would like to finish off with pudding and cheese.

I eat because i am hungry then stop and want to get on with the clearing up. No way am i going to sit there and watch him eat. If we go out then it is different as a meal out tends to be for special occasions or meals with friends but i would still pop out at some convenient time for a ciggie but i wouldn't leave completely, just a quick 5 minutes.

Nor would i want to sit at the table and watch a 9 month old eat and would probably start with the clearing up

random - I couldn't survive if I spent an hour every evening. I don't get in from work in time, apart from anything else .

Some things can be shoved into an oven to get on with it, like a chicken, but I wouldn't call that "cooking for an hour".

I'd be tempted to say 'If you don't sit your arse back down you will not be given any dinner tomorrow - you can bloody well fend for yourself' and see it through.

Or give him 2 options - here's a sandwich, that you can eat and then run from, or here is a plate of lovely dinner that I have cooked, which if you choose you will STAY at table until I have finished eating, and we can have a civilised meal.

I'd also hide all the remote controls, car keys and even his fags, so that if he left the table early he couldn't actually do anything else!!!

It's different if someone eats particularly slowly, but if you eat at an average rate, then he's just being rude and deserves no consideration.

LOL DIY sometimes it is hard to tell if we are sorting out our OH or our DC, isn't it? that would work well for either.

YANBU - Its rude, my DCs are even expected to stay at the table as are their friends if they eat at our house.

Bestofburden - LOL! It would!!! (Except as they are 4 and 6 I hope I wouldn't be hiding car keys and fags from them!!! )

It's all toys, though, DIY! Boys' toys, kids' toys...

Don't you get fed up with being the sensible one? I do.

YANBU, that's very rude, and sets a bad example to your DCs.

I am a smoker and I LOOOOOVE to smoke soon after eating, but I sit and wait for others to finish eating (even my MIL who typically takes about 10-15 minutes longer than everyone else), and then when everyone's finished I excuse myself.

beast - I'm not saying that the op's dh should sit down in tie and jacket or anything for a rigid amount of time just because the op cooked. I would expect my dh to be offended if I left to go and watch tele while he was still eating a dinner I had cooked. It's not necessarily about the effort/time somebody has put in. If we sat down at the table eating a pot noodle I would still be surprised if dh left for no good reason while I was still eating.

Obviously the rules of courtesy should be age appropriate - I wouldn't usually expect dss (who's 12) to sit with us old fogies talking after he's finished if he doesn't want to - but he's still got the good grace to ask if anybody minds him leaving the table.

I think the difference of opinion lies in when people think dinner is over. I would say dinner is over when everybody has eaten. Others would say dinner is over when they themselves have eaten. But isn't it selfish to only consider yourself when you are part of a group/couple?

I'm with Olgaga. Eating is eating...it's not a formal occassion at home...who wants to sit eating while others sit twiddling their thumbs? IN a restaurant it's different. At home...you're meant to be relaxed!

It's very rude.

The only answer is to give him a interesting recipe, the ingredients and ask him to cook. Half way through him eating get up and start mowing the lawn or have a bath. He needs a taste if his own medicine b

Dinner is over when the conversation flags random or when a participant has to get on with something else!