Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Where do I f**king start - elderly parents

83 replies

beenbetter · 29/09/2013 21:58

Well this post is a bit of a sham as I know I am being unf**king reasonable but I am so pissed off with mother I really just need to vent. And my usual sounding board (my dh) has banned any mention of my mother as he says she spoils every weekend.

My mother has MS she is 70 and in a nursing home, I feel incredibly sorry for her being in such ill health and having to live in a nursing home and for these reasons I do try to be patient with her.

But she is a cow. I have a job, a husband, 2 kids (1 with aspergers (which she does not accept as she thinks I am 'making it up' and exaggerating!) plus my dad and mother in in law both have dementia and i have to do loads for them.

She demands my attention and will sulk if she does not get it. She expects me the visit twice a week but when i go to visit it is really unpleasant she gives me a list of jobs i need to do for her and slags of my dad and my husband and the what i spend my money on. Since May I have been trying to go the Gym a couple of times a week and eating healthy she scoffs at this and says if i have time for the gym i should have more time for her and the kids.

I always feel so down after spending time with her. I try to take her out at least once a week - but she always wants more. For example on wednesday I took the hairdressers - she was having full highlights cut and blow (so 3 hours) so I thought drop her off and i could go home and get the ironing etc done - but she had a list of things i needed to do for her - taking stuff back ,phone calls etc. Never once did she say 'would you mind or could you or thank you' she just told me i could take this back and do this and that while she was at hairdressers.

Sorry i know i am ranting!! i know I am unreasonable but i cant put up with much more.

OP posts:

Leaptheditch · 29/09/2013 22:01

Not at all unreasonable:( don't suppose there are many solutions but don't stop the gym. Sounds tough...

leobear · 29/09/2013 22:01

You aren't unreasonable. It sounds so tough. I don't want to say too much, for fear of outing myself, but I know how you feel. I can't think of anything to say to help, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in these feelings.

CMOTDibbler · 29/09/2013 22:08

Don't put up with her being rude just because shes in a nursing home. Unless she has dementia, she has no excuses for it.

I'd manage what I told her - as in, if she's not going to be supportive on it, don't tell her - and if she's rude about your dad/you/dh, then pull her on it. And be firm, if you have other plans then tell her straight, no apologies just a bright and breezy 'sorry, no, I have chores to do, you know how it is! See you later'

With the jobs, could she use a tablet PC if you set her up accounts with Amazon/M&S/JL? They are v easy to navigate if you set up the passwords to be saved, no typing at all

thebody · 29/09/2013 22:10

where is your dad, her dh?

thebody · 29/09/2013 22:13

sorry just read your dad has dementure.

so hard for you op. sandwich generation. looking after parents and children.

bloody bloody hard. I absolutely know how you feel.

SeaSickSal · 29/09/2013 22:14

thebody, the Dad has dementia.

YANBU at all. In fact you are doing a hell of a lot for her in difficult circumstances. You sound like a lovely daughter.

I don't know what to say really, I guess you probably wouldn't want to stop seeing her as you would feel guilty about that too. Does she have any friends or do you have any siblings who could also visit and lighten the load on you?

Original poster

beenbetter · 29/09/2013 22:22

Thanks so much for replies - CMOT my mum is fully pc literate (she has a pc and wifi) better than me but she prefers 'real life' shopping so wont shop online.

the body - my dad has dementia - still lives at home - but not really the 'full shilling'.

I should point out my mum has my dad visit her, my brother and other people (she rarely tells me about these other visitors - makes out no one comes - but a quick look in the visitor book shows that others do visit)

OP posts:

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 29/09/2013 22:24

YANBU at all feel free to vent. Doing what you do for a relative is hard work when they are pleasant to be around. When they treat you like crap and take you for granted its positively depressing.

auntmargaret · 29/09/2013 22:26

Do you get the brunt of it because you are the daughter?
How does she treat your brother?

Bamboobambino · 29/09/2013 22:26

There is one word you need here, repeatedly.
NO I can't visit that often. NO I'm sorry but I'm busy with DH and the kids that day. NO, I'm sorry but I don't have time to complete your list of tasks as I have to do the ironing/sort the kids out/relax etc.
She'll stop asking so much of you (eventually, and after a sulk)
She's being well cared for.
Your priority is YOU, DH and the kids.

juneau · 29/09/2013 22:31

She may have MS, but she's treating you absolutely appallingly. Does she treat others in this way, or is it just you? Has she always treated you this way? If so, I can understand why you may find it hard to stand up to her and say 'no' to her endless demands. How utterly soul-destroying to have to spend so much time running around after someone so ungrateful and unpleasant. But stand up to her, you must, for your own sanity. Please don't take any more of this abuse. YANBU at all!

gremlindolphin · 29/09/2013 22:31

Hi there is an Elderly Parents thread in other stuff which you might find useful.

I really feel for you and have a similar situation. It is hard work but it sounds to me like you are doing a good job! I just keep reminding myself that I can only do what I can do and that when I was younger my Mum would be so cross with herself for being so demanding but its what has happened.

I have today been with my eldest dd at hospital due to a minor accident so only saw Mum for 2 hours instead of her being here for a roast. I often try and remind her that I am not having to say goodbye to her because I don't want to be with her, I am leaving because I have to do something else with someone else in the family!

Theas18 · 29/09/2013 22:33

Just sending you great sympathy from a fellow "sandwich" person! It's bloody hard. Just had my parents up or the weekend. They are both trying in different ways - dad has dementia and mum other health issues but mostly just my mother and has her "ways" ( eg offered posh yoghurts at tea time , she didn't want one so has taken one home with her instead wft!).

Dad seemed to spend all his time criticising everything. In the end I did tell him for instance that if he moaned all the time people might think he was ungreatful ...eg my sis gave him some DVDs he had really wanted (painting ones) but they were "all about waterfalls and nothing else " ( the titled " waterfalls collections" just might have been a clue)

But remember " no one ever gives me and presents" either!

Argh! Sorry to hijack the thread.

Keep on at the gym. Have some me time ( I'm going out or a meal with a mate later in the week :) )

CrazyLottie · 29/09/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mumofweeboys · 29/09/2013 22:37

Any chance of getting some paid help for her. I know she is in a home but is there any chance of hiring something like a carer/home help who could take her out a couple of times a week to do shopping or run her errands?

Original poster

beenbetter · 29/09/2013 22:38

Hi bamboo
what you say is almost word for word what my husband has said for years - but it is so hard as when i dont do it all I might as well do it all as I am racked with guilt.

My brother visits once week despite being single with no family or demands on his time (other than a job) - (he does not do anything for my dad - but that's another story!). Although this week he did not go as he had a virus. My mum says to me 'apparently Colin has a virus'. Why does she say 'apparently' it is as if she thinks he is making it up. She is always so negative.

Yes Auntmargaret i think i get the worst of it but she is generally unpleasant to everyone! - i know that sound harsh.

OP posts:

Bamboobambino · 29/09/2013 22:39

CrazyLottie.. WTF???

CrazyLottie · 29/09/2013 22:40

CrazyLottie · 29/09/2013 22:43

Let's just wait until you get older and your chidren don't care about you eh? My parents are disabled, I do lots for them and ENJOY it. Sorry but some people are so selfish. My parents gave up everything for me, it's the least I can do now to help them and not whinge about it. Get over yourself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2013 22:45

" I know I am being unf**king reasonable"
You're really not.

You know, maybe you should consider having a virus too. I'm not suggesting your brother didn't have a virus BTW, I think it is the considerate thing to do is not spread your germs to other people. But there are a lot of colds around, and you wouldn't want to spread that in a nursing home, would you? Several residents will be frail, you'd never forgive yourself. Maybe a week or two away from her would do you some good, and give her time to find another skivvy.

CrazyLottie · 29/09/2013 22:48

Shivvy? Charming!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2013 22:48

"My parents gave up everything for me"
Really? Exactly what did they give up, oh well-name CrazyLottie.

Bamboobambino · 29/09/2013 22:49

No, I will NOT 'get over myself' sorry. (actually I'm NOT SORRY AT ALL)
The OP has children of her own, a mother in a NH, a father with dementia and a MIL with the same.
She sounds at the end of her tether and I very much doubt she is ENJOYING it as you say.
Bully for you that you can be soooooo altruistic and morally superior on a thread like this but I can assure you that the OP is unlikely to find you helpful in any way.
DOI- personal experience of juggling babies and ill elderly parents as well as a demanding job.

CrazyLottie · 29/09/2013 22:49

No really - sarcasm woman - you tell me. Clearly you know me so well?

Original poster

beenbetter · 29/09/2013 22:49

Crazy - i spend time with my dad because he needs it and because i want to. My mother has zapped all the wanting to out of it by never being happy with what i can give. If when you spend time with a person you are left feeling guilty and bad about yourself it is not attracting me to visit more. For example in the past i have goner after the gym at 7pm to see her - for a quick chat- she has asked me to take her to M and S - i am up at 5 for work as if at 7 i want to go to m and s at 7, i took her and she spent till 10 wandering around despite me telling her i had to get home to shower and sort out packed lunches etc. She then sent me home with a bag of her washing (she prefers me to do it as she likes the softener i use rather the one the nursing home uses) despite the nursing home doing washing for all other residents. Also bear in mind i do all the washing for my dad and mother and law as they dont have anyone else that can do theirs.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4