Where do I f**king start - elderly parents

[beenbetter]

Well this post is a bit of a sham as I know I am being unf**king reasonable but I am so pissed off with mother I really just need to vent. And my usual sounding board (my dh) has banned any mention of my mother as he says she spoils every weekend.

My mother has MS she is 70 and in a nursing home, I feel incredibly sorry for her being in such ill health and having to live in a nursing home and for these reasons I do try to be patient with her.

But she is a cow. I have a job, a husband, 2 kids (1 with aspergers (which she does not accept as she thinks I am 'making it up' and exaggerating!) plus my dad and mother in in law both have dementia and i have to do loads for them.

She demands my attention and will sulk if she does not get it. She expects me the visit twice a week but when i go to visit it is really unpleasant she gives me a list of jobs i need to do for her and slags of my dad and my husband and the what i spend my money on. Since May I have been trying to go the Gym a couple of times a week and eating healthy she scoffs at this and says if i have time for the gym i should have more time for her and the kids.

I always feel so down after spending time with her. I try to take her out at least once a week - but she always wants more. For example on wednesday I took the hairdressers - she was having full highlights cut and blow (so 3 hours) so I thought drop her off and i could go home and get the ironing etc done - but she had a list of things i needed to do for her - taking stuff back ,phone calls etc. Never once did she say 'would you mind or could you or thank you' she just told me i could take this back and do this and that while she was at hairdressers.

Sorry i know i am ranting!! i know I am unreasonable but i cant put up with much more.

Paulapantsdown, that is so sad for you but great lesson for OP. I hope you are enjoying time with your family now. OP, you need to get your brother to step up. And you need to pull back to ensure he does. It sounds so hard for you, it's not sustainable.

Chunderella - thats my experience. My mum cared for her parents, but she was retired, and my brother and I were adults by the time that was necessary.

Now, I have a 7 year old, a full time job, and my mum has dementia and dad is very frail - mum had me at 33, and I had ds at 34. And none of the family live anywhere near each other.

Things are very different to a generation ago, and no one should underestimate that.

I've been in a similar situation and I found it exhausting. Are you sure you can't get attendance and carers allowance for your dad and mil? I'm just thinking you could maybe afford to get some help with the practical stuff or to drop a few hours at work. I am of the understanding that MS can affect an individual's personality and can make them more demanding. Try not to take it too personally. You are not a Wonder Woman so try and cut yourself done slack. If you can honestly say to yourself I am doing my best then so be it.

Big hugs, were struggling the other way, my DMIL is now on her own as my DFIL is in a home, my DMIL has also got dementia but not bad enough to warrant a nursing home place.

I spent a lot of my pregnancy with my DH sorting out nursing homes etc and the practical money side for them as well as running her around whilst on maternity leave.

My DH is 49, we have a 6 month old and we are now both at work full time again.

However, my DMIL always rings my DSIL, no matter what, even after a 14 hour night shift, I have rang DMIL and so has DH explaining that she needs to share the calls, ring us etc, we can pick shopping up when we are on our way home from work etc. she won't she would rather ring her DD.

We've spoken to my DSIL explaining to her to say no and send it our way a bit more, she says she will but never does, then her adult daughters get annoyed as they think we aren't pulling our weight, I'm not sure what we can do. I ring DSIL, conversation from her always starts with a huge sigh saying how tired she is and doing so much, I ask what she needs to pass onto us, I just get another sigh with comments such as don't worry I'll sort it.

We've given up, we're not going to ring everyone every night and ask what we can do and be told nothing, it's so frustrating!!!

beenbetter, I am very curious to know why you are racked with guilt when you don't do something your DM asks you to do?

I presume you feel that way even when you know, rationally, that what she is asking for is unfair, unnecessary, a huge imposition, etc....

So I think you need to explore this conflict between the rational and the emotional, and attempt to reach some kind of resolution. I wouldn't be surprised if a significant cause of your feelings of guilt is a learned reflex that your mother has trained you into, over a period of many years. It's a great way of getting what one wants, if one has the stomach to manipulate one's relatives.

Incidentally, this notion that we owe our parents something because "they gave us life" is one of the most spectacularly wrong-headed ideas I've ever come across. We all came into this world naked, wailing and not of our own free will. By contrast, most of us were deliberately conceived by our parents, and the vast majority of us were born because our parents wanted us to be born. It was their choice, not ours. We don't owe them something because of that choice they made.

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time and trouble to reply. I really appreciate it.

I was angry with the situation (and had a glass or two of wine) when I wrote this message and I now realise that I have probably given put down too many details that would make me identifiable so I am going to ask Mumsnet to delete the thread - many thanks again for all the support.