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AIBU?

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Original poster

Where do I f**king start - elderly parents

83 replies

beenbetter · 29/09/2013 21:58

Well this post is a bit of a sham as I know I am being unf**king reasonable but I am so pissed off with mother I really just need to vent. And my usual sounding board (my dh) has banned any mention of my mother as he says she spoils every weekend.

My mother has MS she is 70 and in a nursing home, I feel incredibly sorry for her being in such ill health and having to live in a nursing home and for these reasons I do try to be patient with her.

But she is a cow. I have a job, a husband, 2 kids (1 with aspergers (which she does not accept as she thinks I am 'making it up' and exaggerating!) plus my dad and mother in in law both have dementia and i have to do loads for them.

She demands my attention and will sulk if she does not get it. She expects me the visit twice a week but when i go to visit it is really unpleasant she gives me a list of jobs i need to do for her and slags of my dad and my husband and the what i spend my money on. Since May I have been trying to go the Gym a couple of times a week and eating healthy she scoffs at this and says if i have time for the gym i should have more time for her and the kids.

I always feel so down after spending time with her. I try to take her out at least once a week - but she always wants more. For example on wednesday I took the hairdressers - she was having full highlights cut and blow (so 3 hours) so I thought drop her off and i could go home and get the ironing etc done - but she had a list of things i needed to do for her - taking stuff back ,phone calls etc. Never once did she say 'would you mind or could you or thank you' she just told me i could take this back and do this and that while she was at hairdressers.

Sorry i know i am ranting!! i know I am unreasonable but i cant put up with much more.

OP posts:
zower · 29/09/2013 22:50

You dont want to end up as angry as crazielottie do you (clue in the name).

Some good advice here though. I think you need to defend/assert yourself here.

notmyproblem · 29/09/2013 22:51

CrazyLottie not everyone's parents are the saints yours apparently are having brought up someone as callous as you sound. In my experience, lovely parents don't need to beg or coerce their children to visit or help them. Not lovely parents resort to emotional blackmail and using people to get what they want.

OP definitely find the backbone to start saying No. Your mum is manipulating you. Put your foot down. Your priority is your own family, your job, your health. Think of it this way - you said you can't take much more of this, so you're doing her and you a favour if you just stop pandering to her and see her less.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2013 22:52

SO no answer then, Crazy? It was a serious question, what did they give up? Job? Career? Home? Money? Prospects? Other children? Hobbies? What did your parents give up?

CrazyLottie · 29/09/2013 22:52

Not saying she is enjoying it. Just saying her parents probably gave up a lot more to raise her than she is whinging about. Some people have no idea what hard work or sacrifice or family mean in this day and age ... Suck it up and try to have a relationship, they won't be around for ever.

Littlefish · 29/09/2013 22:53

Tell her that you are no longer able to do her washing.

Say no when she asks you to go to M&S at 7pm.

You have to start saying no more often. She is being completely unreasonable, but you are letting her.

Darkesteyes · 29/09/2013 22:57

been why are you doing all this and ALL the washing Why arent your bro or DH helping with this They are his parents #everydaysexism

angryangryyoungwoman · 29/09/2013 22:57

Whether her parents gave up things for her is irrelevant. If her mum is rude and overdemanding, then the op has a right to say so and or act accordingly by doing less. No one has a right to be rude or expect things from others unconditionally.

CoconutRing · 29/09/2013 22:57

I agree with Bamboo. Keep saying NO! Don't accept her calls. Get an answerphone to screen them. Your priority is you and your family. Your mother is well cared for and doesn't need you running after her. Let her sulk.

Crazylottie, I enjoy visiting my mother because she isn't a cow. If beenbeeter's mother would stop being so manipulative, then perhaps visits could be a pleasure rather than a list of jobs to be done and the constant negative moaning.

CrazyLottie · 29/09/2013 22:58

Or maybe her mother senses her bad attitude. So sad.

AnaisHendricks · 29/09/2013 22:59

notmyproblem said exactly what I was thinking.

angryangryyoungwoman · 29/09/2013 22:59

Oh and 'suck it up?!' if you let people disrespect you, you may end up crazy, crazylottie

AnandaTimeIn · 29/09/2013 23:01

And my usual sounding board (my dh) has banned any mention of my mother as he says she spoils every weekend.

I think this is your problem.

Why does he think you should deal with it all while he "checks out"...

I had to deal with 7 years of mum's dementia, and then my dad dying of cancer as it was going on.

A a single mum I'm glad I was the only one (apart from my wonderful sisters) to have to deal with it without an asshole man/boyfriend/husband also giving me shit into the mix....

angryangryyoungwoman · 29/09/2013 23:01

I agree with coconut

Original poster
beenbetter · 29/09/2013 23:03

I do understand your point crazy - and my dad worked 12 hour nights most of my life and gave up a lot. I have to say my mum mostly complained he was out all the time etc. I hate to have to say this but she is a selfish women ( She was born 13 years after her oldest sibling and was brought up basically as an over indulged only child). My dad has always worshiped her so his dementia and lack of capacity to jump to her every whim has hit her hard.

i have to say though I had no idea how much my dad clearly put up with until now. I think as teenagers he shielded us from a lot of her issues. He looked after her and us. He did all the cooking, cleaning and did whatever she wanted.

OP posts:
CoconutRing · 29/09/2013 23:05

Crazylottie, I admire you for looking after your disabled parents. They are very lucky to have your help and support.

Darkesteyes · 29/09/2013 23:06

AnandaTimeInSun 29-Sep-13 23:01:31

And my usual sounding board (my dh) has banned any mention of my mother as he says she spoils every weekend.

Seriously????!!!!!! While you are also doing all the stuff for his parents.!!!!!!!! He clearly sees caring and all the running around that goes with it YOUR job because you are not a person You are a woman And the caring and washing is all down to you because you have a vagina I was right to call #everydaysexism. DOWN TOOLS.

Mimishimi · 29/09/2013 23:06

Oh dear. Sounds a bit like my grandfather. We responded by cutting back visits.

Original poster
beenbetter · 29/09/2013 23:07

Ananda - my dh has banned talk of her after 6 years of it - he is a good husband that works shifts and lon, long hours and helps me loads with the kids and parents. Recently he has just reached the end of the road with my mum as every friday night i end up in a state over what she has said/done.

OP posts:
Original poster
beenbetter · 29/09/2013 23:09

Dark - i m not sure what you mean - but he whats me not to mention he as it causes me to be upset rather than any nastiness.

OP posts:
AnaisHendricks · 29/09/2013 23:10

I'm dealing with something similar. It's getting so bad that my throat feels like it is closing up, I'm getting panic attacks and losing weight.

My GP thinks it's the stress of having two disabled DC, PLUS my Mum with dementia and having to manage every aspect of my Dad's life / filling in forms / dealings with social services and being his sounding board for hours at night when he has had the day to himself since my mother is in hospital.

But my DH is always available if I want a rant or a cuddle. I feel so sorry for you Flowers

facebookaddictno300 · 29/09/2013 23:11

we are in same boat, 3 5 and under, MIL in nursing home, sharp as a tack when it suits, but likes to embarrass us on occasion, she is buying a rental property (well we are sorting it out), its been discussed for months, when solicitor went to take papers for signing she PRETENDED she didn't know anything about it - to point solicitor went back when we weren't there to ensure she isn't being pressurised "why do I need money" she said, well because you are in a £30000 a year nursing home. Believe me, we made sure we had talked her though, in front of off numerous witnesses.

When she visits here she insists on a wheelchair, despite walking further for her dinner.

We moved her to a local home because she had DH running around like a blue arsed fly and we were never seeing him, only to find out she was having daily visitors where she was.

You need to start doing less for her - as MILs friend told me they often said to her "use it or lose it".

She can def make her own calls, do her own shopping, hairdresser can come to home.

My MIL is in for a shock, we are moving to a house she wont be able to visit, she wont manage the steps of the house. We play "tell me something lovely you did today" everyday at the dinner table, last time she was here, DCs had to ask her about 10 times, while she blanked them - eventually she said "I guess I came here".

justanuthermanicmumsday · 29/09/2013 23:12

I agree with crazylottie, but I so sympathise with the op. We all make sacrifices your parents did for you, and now you are for her . As for op having kids, well ops parents likewise had kids, and made sacrifices to raise them so let's keep things balanced here.

I don't believe in this nonsense about a sandwich life looking after own kids and parents? This has been going on for generations. If anything today in the modern world there are more care homes so less people caring for their own parents. So I don't think it's wise making out we have got it tougher we have in some ways but so did our parents in other ways.

it sounds like you're doing the best you can, but try and be more patient and tell your mother no, if your really can't physically do something like take her shopping after work. even if she insists you just need to be a bit more firm but kind, and tell her you'll take her later in the week when you have more time? Also try not to feel guilty about saying no if you can't do it you need to take care of yourself too. If you wear yourself out you can't be there for her right?

Like crazylottie said she won't be around for long and you will regret any harsh words. It's really not worth it. dementia isn't the only acceptable illness that causes so called rudeness, it's just old age. I guess she's become more impatient. Her days probably drag in the care home, she misses her life partner her husband, and it's an excuse to get out and spend time with you, not merely shopping.

I lost my mum to lupus 3 years ago now, all some of my siblings did was complain all the time about stupid things like taking her hospital appointments, yet she always waited on them and cared for the grand kid even in excruciating pain. us daughters never complained I'd do anything to have more time with her to do more chores for her, if that would make her life easier.

I too look after my mother in law with dementia, she lives with me,and it's really testing but in the long run it's worth it.

Takecare of yourself carers often neglect their own health, particularly mental health.

LisasCat · 29/09/2013 23:12

I carry a lot of guilt and worry for my mum. However, like yours, she's an unpleasant person to spend time with and she makes my DCs unhappy as well, which makes me just not want her around them. Her health means she will just be more and more dependent upon with time, and as an only child I dread the responsibility heading my way. Clearly if I was as perfect as CrazyLottie I would be really looking forward to spending more time with a mean spirited self obsessed moaner. Unfortunately I'm just a big-standard human being, who is already spread pretty thinly across work, children, other family and friends. So I don't like spending 4 hours in the company of someone who makes me feel like shit, which I could be spending with my daughters. But hey ho, guess this makes me an ungrateful cow. She did push me out of her uterus after all.

LadyMedea · 29/09/2013 23:13

Just because someone is older and disabled does not give them the right to be an ungrateful cow.

OP just set your boundaries and stick to them, she is a compus Mentis adult and no matter what her situation she should act like one. My Mum, Dad and MiL are all disabled and thankfully are the kind, grateful people they've always been... They suffer enormously and still manage to respect the people around them. Don't feel guilty!

facebookaddictno300 · 29/09/2013 23:15

and STOP DOING HER WASHING, give the home the conditioner if you have to - I know its hard, god believe me I know - but you are making a rod here, for your own back that will get worse, she can do online shopping, she can sort out the returns, she is getting you to do all this because she can.

Put your foot down.

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