Where do I f**king start - elderly parents

[beenbetter]

Well this post is a bit of a sham as I know I am being unf**king reasonable but I am so pissed off with mother I really just need to vent. And my usual sounding board (my dh) has banned any mention of my mother as he says she spoils every weekend.

My mother has MS she is 70 and in a nursing home, I feel incredibly sorry for her being in such ill health and having to live in a nursing home and for these reasons I do try to be patient with her.

But she is a cow. I have a job, a husband, 2 kids (1 with aspergers (which she does not accept as she thinks I am 'making it up' and exaggerating!) plus my dad and mother in in law both have dementia and i have to do loads for them.

She demands my attention and will sulk if she does not get it. She expects me the visit twice a week but when i go to visit it is really unpleasant she gives me a list of jobs i need to do for her and slags of my dad and my husband and the what i spend my money on. Since May I have been trying to go the Gym a couple of times a week and eating healthy she scoffs at this and says if i have time for the gym i should have more time for her and the kids.

I always feel so down after spending time with her. I try to take her out at least once a week - but she always wants more. For example on wednesday I took the hairdressers - she was having full highlights cut and blow (so 3 hours) so I thought drop her off and i could go home and get the ironing etc done - but she had a list of things i needed to do for her - taking stuff back ,phone calls etc. Never once did she say 'would you mind or could you or thank you' she just told me i could take this back and do this and that while she was at hairdressers.

Sorry i know i am ranting!! i know I am unreasonable but i cant put up with much more.

People are different CrazyLottie. My grandmother was a pleasure to care for even when she had dementia. She was still kind and caring and thankful. My mil on the other hand is incredibly unkind, demanding and ungrateful and myself and Dp have done everything we can possibly think of to make her happy and nothing works. In addition to this she did very little for Dp but give birth to her. She was cold and uncaring and did nothing to protect Dp from her violent father. We look after her because she is all Dp has. It is an immensely difficult situation and no, most of the time we don't enjoy it. Who would in those circumstances? We do our best. Like Op is doing.

Op, what I have learned from looking after mil is that with people like this the more you do the more they expect. You just have to say "no" sometimes and know your own limits. If she is like my mil she will never be happy with what you do anyway. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

Dark - I really don't think you have any idea.

Been - all you can do is support your family and try to take the good times. They are the only one you've got. It is hard and they lived in a different time from us but they worked hard and did their best. Good luck x

"carers often neglect their own health, particularly mental health"

Very true. I genuinely thought I had a physical problem with my throat when I first went to the GP. She recommended two websites. I grudgingly registered and did the initial (NHS condoned) questionnaires and the results were severe depression and anxiety.

I know how you feel. My Dad used to live 6 months of the year with me up until this July just gone.

He has Parkinsons and mild on set dementia which meant dealing with a lot of childish behaviour on his part. It was like having a third child in the house. He would have tantrums about going to get his hair cut on a Saturday morning the same time I'd take dd to a weekend class, even though we were home all week when dd was at school. Or he'd want to go to the shops the exact same time it was time to pick up dd from school. The shoes I'd buy him (good quality Clarks ones) were never comfortable or the jumpers or shirts were either ugly or not nice. It was really frustrating. I was never diagnosed or went to the GP but my symptoms were very similar to a person with depression when I was looking after him. I was basically just stuck in the house with a child, a baby and dad. There was no time for family time with my DH. I could never talk to DH or go out with him. My trips out of the house consisted of food shopping and hospital and GP visits.

I put dad's behaviour all down to him losing so much independence that it left him resentful. He's still the same, but being away from him has made me less frustrated and more tolerant now.

I really do think you should step away a bit. You need help. Be loud and tell your brother to take some responsibility. I had to make a big deal to open my sibling's eyes to the fact I was raising small children and unable to physically look after a person with Parkinson's. The worse was when dad fell in his room when I was about 8 weeks pregnant last April and I spent 1.5 hours trying to pull him up with my brothers not answering their phones. After that incident I completely went berserk and demanded help.

Just step away OP, for your own sanity. You will appreciate your mum more if you're not stressed out.

My view on a lot of this OP is your mother is paying for care (or someone is) and things like washing, arranging hair dressers to come in etc, can be done by them, she is not doing this because its what she NEEDS, she is doing it because it is what she "WANTS".

Facebook that is exactly what my husband says - my dad and mil NEED things as they are each living alone with dementia but mum is well cared do every need is met. She wants to go the M&S it is not a need. But to be honest i would not even mind going to m&S ifr she was just nice or said thank you.

I know what you are going through, my MIL ran us ragged literally, DH barely saw our baby (miles away so add in travelling time), then when we went away on a holiday she moved into a home and left everything for us to sort out (she had been invited to live with us but didn't want to).

She wanted me and DH to change her pads etc while she was in the home, as in with carers on call.

I am so glad she didn't come to live with me now.

Really, start saying no for the sake of your sanity and your time with your children, there is only so much of you to go around, and you will regret missing the time with your children.

And I know re her not being nice, my MIL doesn't like children, never has, not even her own.

OP, when DF was ill and I had a lot of demands on my time I found it helped to sketch out a rough timetable of my week. I put in first the things that were not negotiable like school drop off and pick up, mealtimes, etc then pencilled in the "would be nice to" things. It helped me see what I could reasonably do and gave me the justification to say "No sorry I can't" when it meant I was short-changing my own family.

I also started saying "I'm sorry I can't be free at that time but I'll ring DB for you and ask him" as I was frustrated with his meagre involvement compared to my headless chicken stress. If Mum twittered about him being too busy, etc it then made it her choice not to have help on that occasion thereby absolving me of guilt!

Crazy Lottie i have a husband who uses a wheelchair and a mobility scooter so err.....yes i think i do have some idea.

Darkest, I completely understand. Some of us were talking about an Everyday Sexism Thread on MN earlier.

We Believe You came about because of a discussion which took off.

It would be great to have it on one of the main boards. Pinned, even

YY Anais Caring falls to women to do over 99% of the time.

When my dcs were younger, found it really hard splitting my weekends between home and my mums, whilst working full time. The lack of me-time is a stress. Do make time for the gym. You have to look after yourself before you have the strength to look after others.

My mum went through this, my grandmother lived with us and the last few years before she died were an absolute nightmare. It is not easy. I agree with others, take time for you, go to the gym, take some weekends away. Ask for help from others, demand it even. Organise a rota with other family members so you're not doing everything. The fact that she doesn't tell you when others have visited is a telling sign, to me. My granny put all the responsibility onto my mother as well.

I understand why your DH finds it frustrating, but you do need someone to talk to, to vent to, so maybe find a support group, or something like that. Don't bottle it all up. And for what it's worth, as awful as it all was when we were going through it, I don't think my mum would change anything if she could. She did the best job she knew how to, was there for my grandmother right till the end, and I am very proud of her.

OP - you are not being selfish in wanting to have a little time for yourself and your family. There have been some great suggestions on her, please take them on board......

I agree about the washing, you just can't do everything. Your post reads as a cry for help, if you continue as you have been, you will be ill yourself.

Can you sit down with DB and tell him he needs to be more involved, he has more free time and far less responsibilities.

There have been some very unpleasant responses to your post, just ignore them, you are doing a great job under really difficult circumstances. I really hope that things improve soon, you can't do everything.

It is hard when a parent is in a NH and does not seem to appreciate what their offspring are doing. My mum can be like this but I know it is because she is ill. Some things you can do to lessen the burden.
Do not do her washing - that is covered in the NH fees.
Why does she need to go to to M and S? Only take her once a month.
Buy toiletries with your shopping and take them in so she doesn't have to get them.
Use the NH's hairdresser.
Visit twice a week and stay for just an hour. This gives your mum chance to join in with activities etc. I bet when you are not there your mum is not lonely.
If your mum is nasty for no medical reason during your visit, cut it short because the visit is achieving nothing, and do not feel guilty about doing so.
There is nothing your mum can do to you if you do all these things.
You will feel guilty at first but it will lessen. We have to think of ourselves and our families as well.
If you make yourself ill then your mum will not have you visit at all.

Forgot to say even though I know it is my Mum's illness is making her nasty and ungrateful sometimes, that does not stop me having a good old rant about. Better than bottling it all up.

Some people have no idea what hard work or sacrifice or family mean in this day and age ...

I think the OP knows actually, given that she is also bringing up her own family in between the other commitments to her parents/ILs. Personally I reject the idea that a child is obligated to an adult parent by way of them having been born. The OPs mother is being looked after in a home, she should not need the OP to skivvy round after her, taking washing home when the home will do it for her? What??

I feel your pain OP. It is ridiculous to suggest that this generation can't handle the sacrifices their parents did - my dads parents were back in Ireland being cared for by his sisters while he raised his family here, but when he was widowed and old, he expected me to put him first before my own husband and children for eight long years.

My dad had a narcissistic personality, and was almost impossible to please. I did everything for him after my mum died, to the extent that I have no memories of my youngests first year. My baby was 8 months old when my mum died, but my dad always thought his needs came first.

I wish I had said no more. How those years did not break up my marraige is a miracle, but myself and DH had a rule that my dads name was never mentioned in our bedroom when chatting about our days.

He died in the summer, and my life had improved 100fold since then. After 9 years of being treated as a personal whipping boy/PA/servant, I finally have my life back.

I used to love my dad, but by the time he died he had killed that with his constant demands for attention and time.

Put yourself and your family first OP. I wish I had.

I looked after my mil for nearly 4 years. 9 months of that she was totally house bound. Very limited mobility wise but very aware.

She died 2 weeks ago. I loved my mil. I visited her nearly every day & I got as much out of our relationship as she did.

But, I also have a family, job, ds with SN. Dad that needs alot of care etc etc. Im exhausted. It was at a high cost to myself but I would do it all again.

With hindsight- my advice is look after yourself. As other posters have said do what NEEDS to be done. Not what she wants.

Take care.

Your Mother gave you life......brought you up, cared for you, educated you the least you could do is look after her now she needs you. I would be a grumpy old bag if I had MS and had to rely on others just to survive.

I would be a grumpy old bag if I had MS and had to rely on others just to survive.
Yes we all would but the OP's Mum is in a NH and her Mum has to realise that now some of the burden can be taken off the OP's shoulders. We could all run ourselves ragged doing everything to the detriment of our dc and dp, but we can hand over some of the jobs to those who are paid to do them in the NH.

I am finding with my MIL that being a bit more proactive really helps - she likes to go to the garden center - at odd hours that don't suit my home life

(yes I end up caring for her part time - I am free and able and hubby, her son, is working to keep a roof over our heads - sexist.... maybe, but hey ho)

So when I see her I will say - "next visit I'll be here at 1 and we can go to the garden centre" - I know she likes it and I get to put the timing in that suits me... Or if I drop her at the hairdressers - "I have some stuff to do whilst you are in there, I'll be at xx end of town, is there anything you want me to do?"

Put boundaries there - a lot of it is in the presentation.... and a matter-of-fact "this is what I'm doing" attitude helps...

Please OP, let the nursing home do her washing and JUST SAY NO to her requests for ad hoc visits to M&S at 7pm. You've got to start saying no to her or she's just going to carry on being selfish and behaving as if you have nothing else to do but wait on her hand and foot. She's in a nursing home so that you don't have to do all this stuff. If you're happy to take her to M&S make her arrange it with you for a mutually agreed and convenient time. Honestly, I do feel sorry for you - she sounds vile - but you're being so accommodating currently that you're opening yourself up to this abuse. If it's not convenient or you're going to have to miss sleep thanks to her requests, say no, or say 'I can't take you this evening, but we can go next Weds at 5pm', or whatever is convenient for you. She has no other commitments, but you do!

based on poppys logic we should ring MIL for an allotted slot once a week on a Friday for 5 mins, only visit in school hols and buy her everything she needs once a year.

OP, I do not think you are being at all unreasonable. You are taking on far too much there. Having MS and being in a nursing home does not give your mother the right to be downright rude to you so tell her when she does it.

Also, the nursing home fees include a lot of her care, like doing her laundry as you say. So stop doing washing for her. It is being paid for in the fees, so she should use the service. Otherwise, it is money down the drain.

You are caring for your own family, your mother, your dad and your MIL, if I have understood you correctly. That is a huge amount for anyone to take on, and it almost sounds to me as if you no longer have a life of your own at all.

I can see Crazylottie's arguments, but only up to a point. They totally miss YOUR point that caring for someone who is being demanding, grumpy and (it sounds like) totally ungrateful, always wanting more, is a depressing and thankless task. For example, wanting to be taken to M & S between 7 and 10 in the evening is taking the piss in my view.

You have a family who need you. Visit your mum regularly of course, take her out at times too. Stop doing things like her laundry (it is already paid for), stop taking her to M & S until 10.00 at night. Start setting boundaries for what will and won't be acceptable. Say when you will be able to do certain things and stick more or less to it.

The way I see things is thar you are not being unreasonable at all. You need to try and get those around you (particularly your mother) to be MORE reasonable though, as you are taking on way more than any one person can reasonably be expected to.

Whilst I can "sort of" understand your husband not wanting to hear anymore about it, that is a rather immature approach from him and you need to point this out, especially as you are also caring for HIS mum too. If he could help you to set boundaries and find solutions then things would improve naturally, and he would hear far less because of it.