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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end a relationship over different opinions on children

89 replies

orangefreeze · 28/09/2013 19:14

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27, we have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2 and a half years.

It originally came up about four months ago that I want children and he doesn't, this has come up since maybe three or four times in big conversations, all of which until now have been initiated by me. I don't want children now, in an ideal world it would probably be in about five years but I'd happily wait ten years if I needed to, but boyfriend is clear he doesn't want children ever.

However today he has initiated a similar conversation, and he and I both are just really worried about what is going to happen.

Our relationship is perfect in every other way and although we have silly arguments like about household chores and things this is rare and we have never had any properly serious argument. I just wish he felt differently as both of us treat the other well and in every other respect he is perfect. However he does not feel differently and no matter what I say it doesn't look like he will change his mind.

I just don't know what to do, I feel the answer is staring me in the face but I am just so happy and I just can't bear the thought of splitting up. I don't live near my family so don't know where I would go or what I would do, whether I would leave my job and go back to be with them, or stay with friends here, although I don't have any friends that I am in a position to live with so I would have to go and live with strangers. I love being in a relationship, the companionship, the holidays, so on and so forth and most of all I just love HIM and the idea of being without him is driving me mad. All my family and friends love him and I feel like if they asked why we'd split up and I told them they'd think it was ridiculous, I mean I'm not even 25 yet, but when my boyfriend and I talked about it at the same time it does feel a bit silly to stay in a relationship when you know it is probably going to end....... I have been kidding myself these past few months that he would probably change his mind as he got older and his friends had kids etc but it is looking less and less likely.

I really just don't know what to do and am looking for some advice both emotional and practical, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about this as I don't want it to change their opinion of him if we were to stay together and not split up, so I would really appreciate any opinions.

Thanks

OP posts:

PoppadomPreach · 28/09/2013 19:17

I think it is a deal breaker. You will save a lot of pain now by ending the relationship. Your desire for children is only likely to get stronger. You will get over it though, and you will be relieved.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2013 19:20

What Poppadom said. This is a no-win situation. Cut your losses.

sillyoldfool · 28/09/2013 19:23

It would be a deal breaker for me and I'd want to leave him sooner rather than later so as to have a bigger chance of meeting someone who did want a family before too many years slip by.

YoniBottsBumgina · 28/09/2013 19:23

You want different things. It is sad, but it's better that you've been able to be honest with each other now rather than him saying "Maybe one day..." forever until you're too old.

I really don't see how you can get past this unless one of you changes their mind. And to change it because of the other isn't enough... you'd have to change it because that was what you really wanted.

I'm so sorry :(

OwlinaTree · 28/09/2013 19:24

What a difficult position orange. I guess you have to think do you want the relationship with him more than a future which possibly contains children?

You say you have been discussing it for around 4 months, but you don't feel you will want children for around 5 years at the moment. Is it worth you waiting another 2 years and then reviewing the situation? You would then be 25 so still lots of time to try for a family, and he would be 29 so may have changed his mind? I didn't really know i wanted to have children until i was 30.

It is good that he is being honest with you and not just saying one day, one day i suppose.

Melonbreath · 28/09/2013 19:25

If you stayed with him in 10, 15, 20 years time you would begin to resent that you'd had no babies and missed your chance and it would eat you up and aour the relationship. Then you could well lose him too anyway.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/09/2013 19:25

Leave him sooner rather than later. A relationship cannot withstand such a crucial difference in opinion over something so important. I'm sorry that this probably isn't the advice you want to hear but there is no point continuing this relationship x

SpottyDottie · 28/09/2013 19:26

I agree with the others. It isn't something you can compromise on is it? You either have children or you don't.

tumbletumble · 28/09/2013 19:27

This is a deal breaker. I honestly don't think it's a good idea to hang around and wait for him to change his mind - that puts too much pressure on the issue. Better to finish it now, sorry

pointythings · 28/09/2013 19:33

It isn't something you can get past, and waiting in case he changes his mind will help neither of you. It's good that you have discussed it openly so early but there's no escaping a painful split. This is simply one of the biggest deal breakers in a relationship. I wish you both strength.

fancyanother · 28/09/2013 19:35

I think if you were 30, i would say just bail. It's an impossible position to be in. He may change his mind, but how long are you willing to wait? I think you have time to wait your 5 years, but don't let yourself be strung along by 'he might change his mind' for longer than that. You will end up resentful and break up anyway, then it will be too late.

What I would say is that 27 is quite young these days. Added to the pressure of his girlfriend going on about it could just be too much. Give it a rest for a couple of years and then bring it up again maybe.

PeppiNephrine · 28/09/2013 19:39

Why not just enjoy the life you have for now, and see what happens in the future? Ok, so you want children at some point, maybe he will change and maybe he won't, but why not just be with the person you love since its far from an immediate desire right now?

quietbatperson · 28/09/2013 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmMiranda · 28/09/2013 20:00

You need to have a serious conversation with him - including the possibility of breaking up because of wanting different things.

He's only 27, not many blokes want kids at that age, so there is a chance he will grow into - but don't put your life on hold for a possibility.

The only thing that you can do is talk to him specifically about it. Ask him whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone who wants kids.

bronya · 28/09/2013 20:05

My DH didn't want children because of how his relationship with his father is, and his childhood. He was great with relatives' kids though and I knew he'd make a great dad, so I just kept mentioning 'when we have children' and slowly the panicked look began to subside and he got used to the idea. We have one now (trying for 2nd) and he loves him to bits. Find out WHY your boyfriend doesn't want children, then go from there. My DH says, 'Start off with a dog first, it's a small commitment and if he bonds with the dog, it's only a small step to having a baby!'

emptychair · 28/09/2013 20:14

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. I'd have one more conversation about it like Miranda suggests, making it perfectly clear how much of a deal breaker it is. I have a friend who has been through similar twice with two different men telling her "soon" and her 2nd relationship ended when she was 39 because of it. She's almost 40, single and desperate for a child. Such a sad situation. Please don't let it be you.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2013 20:21

'Why not just enjoy the life you have for now, and see what happens in the future?'

Because she's not happy now.

I did this, OP, I was so 'young'. I was 30 when we finally divorced and, though I'm 42 now, I don't consider 30 all that young, tbh.

Wish I'd have been more upfront about it all at 23 and just ended it then.

PeppiNephrine · 28/09/2013 20:23

She is happy now though, she loves him, the relationship, the life they have together, she says all that. She's 23, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker right now unless she wants it to be.

MinesAPintOfTea · 28/09/2013 20:29

The thing is that you are both building towards different futures. You will get there sooner and easier if you aren't with someone who wants to go in a different direction.

And I'd disagree that 27 is young, we were both 25 when DS was conceived and had known for a long time we wanted children together. Wasting fertile years with a partner who doesn't want children is time you could spend building a relationship with someone who does want them.

This is of course easier for others to say in theory, but you need to decide what you want most for life and go for it. This isn't a rehearsal.

filee777 · 28/09/2013 20:29

I would want to find a different man who wanted babies and have time to fall in love and settle down and then have babies, if you stay with this guy and 'lose' 4 years with another person who you actually want to stay with, what will that give you? All it will mean is when you meet someone you want to have kids with, you'll have no time to get to know each other first. Sorry but if you've established you don't want kids just walk away. Be pragmatic about it, yes you want those 'good times' but you want them with your life partner, not the person you went out with before your life partner.

junkfoodaddict · 28/09/2013 20:35

My DH was never keen on children ... ever. 6 years after we met we had our little boy. He was then adamant that our DS would be an only child. He's now agreed to have baby number two.
You are young, you've said yourself that you would wait 5-10 years to have children so enjoy your relationship for the time being. Time can change minds and if he still feels strongly about it when you're 25/26, then reassess the situation - just make sure in the meantime that you stay strong, you remain independent of him so if the worse does occur, you won't find yourself alone or financially incapable.
I was 26 when I met my now DH (34 now). You're still just a young 'un!

edwinbear · 28/09/2013 20:40

I married a man who didn't want children and had been completely open and honest about it. I always wanted them. We married disagreeing on the subject because we were so well suited and so happy in every other way. Eventually he agreed and we now have two beautiful ds who we both adore. He is a great dad but admits that the reasons he didn't want children, the lack of sleep, lack of freedom, expense etc are absolutely valid and he really resents me for pushing him to have children. In all honesty, it has destroyed our marriage.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/09/2013 20:42

Total deal breaker.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2013 20:46

'She is happy now though, '

If she were, she wouldn't have posted this thread at all. The alarm bells are already going off, and tbh, if there's one thing I've learned it is to always listen to those.

DustBunnyFarmer · 28/09/2013 20:46

My H is not a 'man of action' and is quite happy chugging along. We moved in together at 22 and by our late twenties he still wouldn't be drawn on long term plans, marriage, children etc. In the end I laid my cards on the table - I want kids, I love you and I think you'd make a wonderful Dad but if that's not what you want, you need to tell me so we can go our separate ways because this is important to me. He took a couple of weeks to think things over & decided he did want kids with me. If your partner is sticking to his guns, I seriously think you need to reevaluate your future together and move on. I'm now in my early 40s and know enough women who wish they could have the time back that they lost by hoping for the best that it saddens me a good deal. Some of them missed their moment & the chance of kids altogether. Others have ended up with totally unsuitable partners because of the mad scramble to settle down & get knocked up before their fertility tailed off. Not an easy decision to make, but a vitally important one.

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