To end a relationship over different opinions on children

[orangefreeze]

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27, we have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2 and a half years.

It originally came up about four months ago that I want children and he doesn't, this has come up since maybe three or four times in big conversations, all of which until now have been initiated by me. I don't want children now, in an ideal world it would probably be in about five years but I'd happily wait ten years if I needed to, but boyfriend is clear he doesn't want children ever.

However today he has initiated a similar conversation, and he and I both are just really worried about what is going to happen.

Our relationship is perfect in every other way and although we have silly arguments like about household chores and things this is rare and we have never had any properly serious argument. I just wish he felt differently as both of us treat the other well and in every other respect he is perfect. However he does not feel differently and no matter what I say it doesn't look like he will change his mind.

I just don't know what to do, I feel the answer is staring me in the face but I am just so happy and I just can't bear the thought of splitting up. I don't live near my family so don't know where I would go or what I would do, whether I would leave my job and go back to be with them, or stay with friends here, although I don't have any friends that I am in a position to live with so I would have to go and live with strangers. I love being in a relationship, the companionship, the holidays, so on and so forth and most of all I just love HIM and the idea of being without him is driving me mad. All my family and friends love him and I feel like if they asked why we'd split up and I told them they'd think it was ridiculous, I mean I'm not even 25 yet, but when my boyfriend and I talked about it at the same time it does feel a bit silly to stay in a relationship when you know it is probably going to end....... I have been kidding myself these past few months that he would probably change his mind as he got older and his friends had kids etc but it is looking less and less likely.

I really just don't know what to do and am looking for some advice both emotional and practical, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about this as I don't want it to change their opinion of him if we were to stay together and not split up, so I would really appreciate any opinions.

Thanks

It's a deal breaker.

I met my Dp when I was 24 and was upfront about wanting to start a family soonish, luckily Dp felt the same. After we'd been together for about 1.5yrs I was told I'd prob have trouble conceiving and this meant we had to seriously talk about babies sooner than we prob would have if that didn't occur. I then had this fear of it taking us years to conceive - if ever.

Dp wasn't ready and the Convo kept popping up. After another year I was honest to dp and said although I loved him dearly I really wanted children and I was worried about it not happening at all so wanted to try sooner rather than later. He thought about it for a while and decided he did want kids eventually and didn't want to lose me so we started trying. It took us 18 months to conceive.

So the moral of my story is that 25 is not too young to start thinking about your future and if you really want kids you should be brutally honest with your dp, he may feel different if he knows he'll lose you or seriously start to think about why he doesn't want them. If he still feels the same then you have to move on.

Definitely a deal breaker. My ex wife and I married very young - 21 and 19. The thoughts of children were not on either of our minds at the time. But it was one of the key factors in us splitting 6 years later.

I can't believe the number of people saying the OP is young and can afford to wait a few years. If she leaves it 4 or 5 years, then goes thought the pain and struggles ( including the legal ones) of a break she will probably be nearer 30 by the time she is ready to sort out a new relationship.

People make it sound like buying a new car - you trade the old model in for a new one. If only it were that simple. It could take a year or several to find mr right. And then you don't know how long it will take to conceive. If the OP is unlucky it could be several years. Or longer. And then she is moving into the older pregnancy concerns area.

Not only will ending it now save a lot of pain later, it will also give the OP a chance to find the right person.

And in my mind, forcing him to change his mind now is just storing resentment and trouble for later on.

If you stay with him and see how it goes, your relationship will be affected anyway as you have put a timer on it. You won't be able to plan, or make financial commitments, and decisions you take on work locations will have to be made without any thought for each other, as after all, you don't expect to be together.

He has told you he doesn't want dc. You do. He won't change his mind, just like you won't. And why should either of you, tbh. He knows you want dc, and is obviously prepared for the fact you will leave him and find someone else.

It is already causing problems, and will only get bigger, as people around you have dc and you don't. No point waiting for marriage either, as you both want different lives.

Take control of your life, decide to either get a new job somewhere else, or stay at this one and move out.

This situation happened with a close family member and his partner. She ended up giving him an ultimatum of kids or we're finished. ...He finished it. He was gutted as he just couldn't agree to having children just to keep the relationship going. I feel for you, I really do, but I think you know what to do for the best.

As many have said, it is a deal breaker.
You may persuade yourself that you love him sufficiently to say you would rather have him than children - you would not be the first to accept a relationship on those terms - but it is a major risk to ignore the strength of the biological clock and the extremes of emotion which can (and do) occur when you are denied a desperately wanted baby.
You may rationalise now, but in 15 years time your feelings for your partner will be seriously affected if he will not allow a family.

Most men don't have the primal urge to have children, that women do.
Your DP is not going to understand it.

Better to end the relationship now, rather than then. Better to part as friends who cannot agree on a major life choice, than embittered and angry - and perhaps past the point of being able to find a new relationship in time to have the baby you long for. That truly would be a sad way to have lived your life. Hoping he might change his mind is a flimsy anchor in that scenario.

But you know this OP

Of course you can say, I love you so much that I accept a childfree future. Just don't do it with your fingers crossed behind your back, and a hidden expectation that he will change his mind.

A good friends of mine was in this situation, she pushed the issues down, secretly hoping he would change his mind.
They got married, had a lovely life, perfect house, great relationship, lovely things, etc.
But she always wanted kids, and he didn't, after 11 years she was desperately longing for a child and was resenting him for her unhappiness, and he was blaming her for not being happy because 'she knew what she was getting'
The little 'discussions' about having children had turned into almost daily battles and arguments about everything.

By the end my friend was on antidepressants and the one thing they didn't agree on turned in to the thing that stopped them agreeing on anything.
It was messy and everyone ended up hurt.

It's been six years since she left, and she is now happily engaged to a lovely man and she has two gorgeous children, and I have never seen her happier.

I have always believed that if a couple is strong enough there is very little that they can not overcome, but having children is such a huge thing I don't think there is ever a way that a couple where one person wants kids and the other doesn't can work and one person not end up hurt or happy.

It is a deal breaker. Your partner is not that young, so there is no reason to believe he will change his mind. My DH was 25 when we got married and he was clear that he wanted children. I was less bothered, but I loved him, so was prepared to have them with him (needless to say, I am very glad I did).

If he doesn't want children enough to have them to keep you, he really doesn't want children. You should move on now (although I wouldn't discount him crawling back to you, that happened to my cousin. They no have a baby & he is a doting father).

I was in your shoes OP, met my exDP at Uni and we got along great, always knew I wanted children, although at your age I wasn't certain enough to call it a day. So I dithered for a few more years but as 30 approached I knew it had become make or break time. We parted, sadly but amicably. We'd been together 10 years, longer than many marriages, we had a house together, it was scary and it was difficult and I had to live in a flat share for a while.

I was lucky I found DH quite quickly and had no trouble conceiving but, much as I loved exDP in many ways, I wish I'd cut my losses sooner and got on with the life I wanted.

It's hard but you have that opportunity.

Deal breaker.

Twenty years ago I didn't want children and neither did DH. Five years on I did and he wasn't sure but didn't want to lose me.

He really wasn't ready to be a father when we had DS, don't get me wrong, he stepped up and did his bit, but he wasn't ready and I had PND and it very nearly tore us apart.

He was ready five years later when DD came along and family life was so much better.

Babies put such strain on even the best relationships that if both parties aren't fully committed to the idea it can be awful.

I wonder if any of his friends have children?
27 can be young for a man, especially if part of a group of child free men?

It's a horrible situation to be in OP. But I wish i had bailed at 23 rather than waiting. My exH and i got together when we were 21 (me) and 18 (him). We had a lovely relationship and were very much 'in love' right to the end. But he didn't want children and i did, desperately. He wasn't honest tho, and every year after i was 27 would say, 'next year, after we've bought a house/got married'. So we did all those things and then when i was 31 i said, right now we need to think about it. He then told me he didn't see himself ever wanting children. It broke my heart and i went massively off the rails. I couldn't foresee a future with him or without him. We tried to negotiate, but it was so obvious from the way he said 'weeeelll, i suppose i could think about it again in 2 years time and if we only have 1 when i am 37 (me 40)'. I just knew it was going to be a resentment for one of us whatever way it went.

I wish i had been honest with myself too. Looking back, i saw the signs but chose to deny them. He was telling me loud and clear - just not with words. I think about him every day and still dream about him most nights (not in a romantic way tho). But, i am now 36, remarried and have a wonderful 1 year old son. We are planning on trying for the second child and I am happy - but in a very different way. I'll never feel the way i did with exH, but i'm glad about that too in a weird way. It was artificial and would have only destroyed both of us. As the years went on i used to drink, a lot and get very depressed. I realise now it was a symptom of me denying my feelings. The weird thing is, since i left i have never felt the urge to drink myself into unconsciousness and have not had a depressive episode.

It's such a hard choice to make when you don't actually want children yet. But if you leave it till when you do, you will have reduced your time to meet someone right for you and to have a few years of fun with them first - which is also really nice if you then have DC - because they are really hard work, as well as being amazing.

If it were me again i'd leave now. It will hurt like fuck tho. Sorry :(

I left someone who didn't want children when I was erm about 25. 12 years later I am married with 3, he is married with none.

Sorry it's not 12 years later it's 17! (Typo). Point being I don't think he will be having children.

It's basically a choice of, have kids with someone who wants them as much as you or don't have kids and stay with your partner.
You are obviously not that compatible if you want kids and he doesn't.
I personally would see this as a deal breaker.

I was with my ex-H from 22 to 31. He made it clear that he didn't want children and tbh I wasn't that fussed at first. However, by 28/29 I had started trying to convince myself that I was happy with the situation in order not to face the fact that I had some hard decisions to make. We spilt when I was 31 (he had an affair) and he went on to marry a year later and have two DC. Looking back it's clear that he didn't want children with me.

I however, didn't meet anyone until I was 39. DH already has children and we are TTC but at my age it's not that likely we'll be successful.

You never know whether people are going to change their minds in the future but it's a huge gamble to take.

3 years isn't early in a relationship!

Actually I am getting all my dates wrong. I left the ex who didn't want children aged 24. So it's now 18 years later, still no kids for him. 4 years after leaving him I had been married nearly 2 years & had my first child. Still married btw.

I think the ex I left has been married about 8 or 9 years so the not having children wasn't due to not finding anyone. He just didn't want kids . I'm pleased I left when I did although he was livid with me at the time & made it quite difficult.

It's a hard choice to make. My DD1 is adamant at the age of 21 that she will never want or have children and i don't think she will change her mind. Your DP may never change his mind so you need to decide - a life with him but possibly no children or leave him and hope you meet someone who does want children. I think you need to sit down with DP and be frank and honest with him.

My Dh didn't want children due to issues with his parents. I was 28 when we got married & very honest about it. We split up briefly before getting married as it felt like an issue we couldn't get over - you can't compromise over children.
He decided he really wanted to be with me & all that entailed. We now have 2 dcs & he is a good father. My point is have another conversation but be really honest about the why's & wherefores. Having children is joyful & really hard work & can rock the strongest of marriages. It also changes the dynamics from being a couple to being a family... Which I love & it makes coupledom a rare & precious thing.
Friends got together when they were young , 18 & have not had children as she decided later she didn't want to change her lifestyle. He loves her & really regrets it. I wouldn't want to live with regret.....

Btw my Dh loves being a father....he just had no idea what it would be like.....

Hi,

This was the situation I was in a few years ago. My ex and I had been together since uni, and despite him always saying he never wanted kids, I stuck with him (thinking in the earlier stages of the relationship that he would change his mind). He never did change his mind. We split up donkeys years later, as yours would be...miles from family, joint friends etc... I now have a wonderful husband, and 2 kids. I was amazed at how brave I could be making the decision but have never regretted it (in fact I was relieved that I did it). Kids or no kids is a deal breaker and in the long run if you stay together, one of you will resent the other.
Sorry that's not what you want to hear. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I don't think knowing whether you want children has much to do with age - I think it is something you either know you want or know you don't. There is a big difference between, "I do want children but I'm not ready yet" and saying, "I don't want children."

As has been said, 3 years into a relationship isn't early!! By the time I was 3 years into my current relationship I was married and expecting our first baby. I had met my current DH when he was 27 and we casually discussed what we wanted in our futures (not necessarily as a couple, but just general thoughts) and he said that children were always going to be part of his. I think it is so important to know from the early days that you are embarking on a future with someone who long term has the same wants and goals as you.

I know a woman who was in your situation, she waited and waited, hoping her partner would change her mind but he didn't. She waited for about 7 years before she actually woke up to the fact that she was wasting her time and had been for a very long time. By the time she left him she was almost 34. She is now 36 and still hasn't met another "Mr Right" and is worried she has sacrificed her chance of ever having children by staying with a man she loved yet knew he wanted something different to what she did. It all got very bitter and angry towards the end of their relationship and she always says she wished she had left him as soon as she knew they wanted to such different futures. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though.

You are in a very horrible situation but if I were you I would have to leave. Yo never know, having such a reality check might make him re-think his stance on children x

I think in our society in general, people who say they don't want kids aren't taken nearly seriously enough. There's always an assumption that it's just youth speaking, that they'll change their minds either later on, or in more extreme cases where a planned or unplanned pregnancy has happened, once the baby has arrived.

It's a sad thing, IMO. If people say they don't want children, they should be respected and taken at their word. The world would be a better place with fewer resentful parents and emotionally damaged children.

I was in the same situation, perfectly good relationship, but he didn't want kids. I stayed with him for far too long, til everything reached a head and we split up. If you want kids, break up and follow what you want. Even though there were no problems in my relationship, I've never been happier and now married with 2 kids. Even if you don't find the right person to have kids with, if you stay one of you will end up resenting the other. Have respect for each others wishes and be really brave...it's worth it.
Sorry not to have a magic wand, good luck.

deal breaker pet. he's not young he's 27. you are 23, we had 2 kids by this age.

you need to sit him down and tell him it's a deal breaker and then he has the choice.

what you don't want is him dithering for years and keeping you guessing and hoping he will chNge his mind while, to out it bluntly, your eggs get older.

men have a way if doing this and then starting a family in their 50s with a younger woman.

be careful and guard your own happiness.

it is disrespectful to the boyfriend to say 'he might change his mind', in the same way it would be to you.

obviously it will be painful to split up, but there is no compromise and it is NOT a silly reason. It would drive you apart anyway.

sadly it is time for a painful conversation, but it is better done sooner rather than later.

I am sad for both of you but this is the one that cannot be met halfway.