To end a relationship over different opinions on children

[orangefreeze]

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27, we have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2 and a half years.

It originally came up about four months ago that I want children and he doesn't, this has come up since maybe three or four times in big conversations, all of which until now have been initiated by me. I don't want children now, in an ideal world it would probably be in about five years but I'd happily wait ten years if I needed to, but boyfriend is clear he doesn't want children ever.

However today he has initiated a similar conversation, and he and I both are just really worried about what is going to happen.

Our relationship is perfect in every other way and although we have silly arguments like about household chores and things this is rare and we have never had any properly serious argument. I just wish he felt differently as both of us treat the other well and in every other respect he is perfect. However he does not feel differently and no matter what I say it doesn't look like he will change his mind.

I just don't know what to do, I feel the answer is staring me in the face but I am just so happy and I just can't bear the thought of splitting up. I don't live near my family so don't know where I would go or what I would do, whether I would leave my job and go back to be with them, or stay with friends here, although I don't have any friends that I am in a position to live with so I would have to go and live with strangers. I love being in a relationship, the companionship, the holidays, so on and so forth and most of all I just love HIM and the idea of being without him is driving me mad. All my family and friends love him and I feel like if they asked why we'd split up and I told them they'd think it was ridiculous, I mean I'm not even 25 yet, but when my boyfriend and I talked about it at the same time it does feel a bit silly to stay in a relationship when you know it is probably going to end....... I have been kidding myself these past few months that he would probably change his mind as he got older and his friends had kids etc but it is looking less and less likely.

I really just don't know what to do and am looking for some advice both emotional and practical, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about this as I don't want it to change their opinion of him if we were to stay together and not split up, so I would really appreciate any opinions.

Thanks

You can't have a child as a compromise! Even just one.

Me and my ex split after 10 years for the same reason. It was devastating at the time but absolutely the right thing to do, for both of us. I am now with someone who wants children as much as I do and it is such a good feeling.

Part of my reasoning at the time was if I didn't have children and stayed with him I would have ended up resenting him and we would have split up anyway. Or he would have 'given in' and been an unhappy dad, resenting me, and again we would have split up eventually.

Relationships take work and you need to at least start off wanting the same things in life.

I do feel for you, its a really upsetting situation x

Most men with career potential aren't interested in kids in their 20s, nor for that matter are many women. I wasn't until my late 20s, there was too much life to live.

The op is only 23, she can hang on safely until he is 30 and she 26 if she thinks he is 'the one' - but no longer than that. Good men start to be taken up by their early 30s

Lazyjaney that's rather insulting to all of us who have career ambitions and have children in our twenties. I went to a top university and am starting my own business, DH has a good engineering career and guess what: we had a child in our mid-twenties because we are both mature enough to know what we want from life. I think there's also a "London divide" here: our peers in London are marrying later and having children later than those of us living in "the regions".

Lets assume that the OP and her (late 20s) bf are also mature enough to know their own minds.

OP: look at the medical advice given to women. If you want more than one child its advisable to start TTC before 30. That doesn't mean you need to start next week, but if you want time to break up, legally distangle, get over him, find someone new, spend time getting to know each other then you don't have years to waste with someone who has fundamentally different goals in life.

Oh for goodness sake! The OP at 23 might be a little young to think about this, but her DP isn't - he's 27, between 27 - 30 pretty much of all of DH's friends got married and/or started a family (who were mainly ambitious city boys for those patronising people who think that her DP can't think about career and family/commitment). For those who hadn't started a famliy ,they had done by 35, but the decisions had been made around that age.

It's the age when his friends and contempories are settling down, buying family houses, if not starting a family now, they are putting things in place ready to start a family in the next couple of years. Lots of weddings, moving to the suburbs and "last big holidays" being sorted in the late 20s. The only ones who don't have DCs now (late 30s) had already made those choices in their late 20s. I don't know any men who said they didn't want DCs in their late 20s who changed their minds about that in their mid-30s.

If he doesn't want DCs at 27 - not saying he doesn't want them now but will in 5-10 years, but says not at all, he probably means it and has thought about it.

OP - you could hang around for 5 years, but if he doesn't want DCs now, it's unlikely he will want them in 5 years time. If you know your relationship isn't 'forever' you will miss a lot of the big moves over the next few years. Don't bother saving for a house together, because you're going ot be ending this relationship in a few years. Don't say yes if he asks you to marry him, because you'll be leaving him in a few years. Don't plan on big trips round the world, because you might need that money for a deposit for a place on your own, and anyway, you might split up between now and then...

Why waste years just waiting for your relationship to end? Plus in the meantime, you might be missing out meeting a man who does want DCs with you. Trust me, the sort of bloke who will chat you up knowing you are in a long term committed relationship isn't the sort of bloke you want to start a family with, so by being with your DP now, you are ensuring the sort of man you could spend the rest of your life with (and have DCs with) will not give you a second look.

It's better to leave now aged 23 then invest more years in this relationship and end up resenting him.

Agree that if he's 27 and doesn't want children ever, it's a deal breaker. I would tell him straight.

I was in this situation. Only I didn't realise it until I was married, which was probably a good thing as it made it harder to walk away. But I think I was a bit naive in that, for me, babies were a natural part of growing up & old together.

Up to a point, I thought that our love would be enough for me, that if he really didn't want children, then we would be ok. But at about 22 it hit hard (I married at 20 & had already been with him 4 years). I really wanted a child & it was always a resounding no. I convinced myself that it was 'not yet' for a long time. But after a while, I knew that I had to have children & started to think about my options (in my head, I never voiced them out loud)

I don't know what happened, but when I was around 28, he changed his mind. He didn't say it directly, but he said 'let's just see what happens.' We now have 2 beautiful girls, girls that I wouldn't have if I had left. He did tell me that he was afraid I would leave if he didn't agree to have children (dd was already conceived by this time) & looking back that did make me wonder whether he would really love & want our children. Thankfully. I have no worries on that side of things.

But I took a risk.

I knew at some point that I would have to make a choice to stay or leave. Thankfully, I didn't have to leave, but to be honest, if I was back there, I don't know what I would do now. I don't think I wasted those years, because as it happens, 28 was my ideal age for starting a family. DD came along in my last months of being 30.

You do still have to time, I guess, to see where the land lies for a little longer, but it depends on whether you want to wait & see, or cut your losses & find someone on your page.

Good Luck!

Oh that's a shame, what about just having one?, like a comprimise?

I don't like this suggestion. A baby isn't a compromise. It is a commitment.

What a patronising generalisation, Lazy! There are plenty of women on this board with extremely strong careers who planned and had children in their 20s, even early 20s with men the same age.

But then again, anyone who actually believes in a ridiculously immature concept like 'the one' is indicative of someone who definitely has some growing up to do before having children.

Defo a dealbreaker. My dh and i started dating in our late teens. Even at that age we both knew whether or not we wanted children. If my dh had
told me that he didn't want children i would have run for the hills.
A relative of mine married a man who said that he did not want children,
she wanted children. She married this man and they were together for 19 years. She desperately wanted children , but gave up the chance because she loved her dh . He eventually left her for another woman, who ironically had two children of her own. My cousin is now 45 and childless.

Listen to your gut feeling and tbh I'd be out.

Ok 27 is young but it's 3 years from 30 which is when lots of men do decide to become dads.

I knew a man who married and got divorced mostly because she wanted kids and he didn't. He'd tell us "she's nesting". Another guy was keen to settle and have kids and did just that. Timing is key but if someone's adamant they do not want kids I wouldn't try to change them.

27 is not that young!' we had kids in our early twenties and I find it insulting to suggest that those with good careers wait until later to have kids. what a silly generalisation.