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Original poster

To end a relationship over different opinions on children

89 replies

orangefreeze · 28/09/2013 19:14

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27, we have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2 and a half years.

It originally came up about four months ago that I want children and he doesn't, this has come up since maybe three or four times in big conversations, all of which until now have been initiated by me. I don't want children now, in an ideal world it would probably be in about five years but I'd happily wait ten years if I needed to, but boyfriend is clear he doesn't want children ever.

However today he has initiated a similar conversation, and he and I both are just really worried about what is going to happen.

Our relationship is perfect in every other way and although we have silly arguments like about household chores and things this is rare and we have never had any properly serious argument. I just wish he felt differently as both of us treat the other well and in every other respect he is perfect. However he does not feel differently and no matter what I say it doesn't look like he will change his mind.

I just don't know what to do, I feel the answer is staring me in the face but I am just so happy and I just can't bear the thought of splitting up. I don't live near my family so don't know where I would go or what I would do, whether I would leave my job and go back to be with them, or stay with friends here, although I don't have any friends that I am in a position to live with so I would have to go and live with strangers. I love being in a relationship, the companionship, the holidays, so on and so forth and most of all I just love HIM and the idea of being without him is driving me mad. All my family and friends love him and I feel like if they asked why we'd split up and I told them they'd think it was ridiculous, I mean I'm not even 25 yet, but when my boyfriend and I talked about it at the same time it does feel a bit silly to stay in a relationship when you know it is probably going to end....... I have been kidding myself these past few months that he would probably change his mind as he got older and his friends had kids etc but it is looking less and less likely.

I really just don't know what to do and am looking for some advice both emotional and practical, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about this as I don't want it to change their opinion of him if we were to stay together and not split up, so I would really appreciate any opinions.

Thanks

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 28/09/2013 20:48

All these 'you are young', 'you're just a pup' etc comments are so patronising and condescending, and I say that as someone old enough to be the OP's mother.

She is an adult, not a schoolgirl. Plenty of people on here have already had children by this age are married and have had children.

cakebar · 28/09/2013 20:49

It is possible he will change his mind. I broke up with a dp in my early twenties for similar reasons, he initiated the split. It was hard at the time but it was good for me, I found someone who wanted the same things as me. 15+ years later he changed his mind but it was too late due to his dw age :(

There is more than one partner out there who is a good fit for each of us, you will be happiest of you find another of those who shares your goal.

MissStrawberry · 28/09/2013 20:52

He isn't the only man in the world you can love but if you stay with him the only baby you will have is in your dreams.

youretoastmildred · 28/09/2013 20:52

Have you ever "struck out" on your own before? when you left your parents, where did you go - into your place with your dp?

I totally agree with all the people who say you should leave him and i wonder whether you are worrying unnecessarily about having to be practically independent. If it is for the fisrt time, it is a big step but it could be the making of you. Do you want to talk about that part of it?

Beamur · 28/09/2013 20:58

He could change his mind, or you could be in this situation for another 15/20 years and miss the chance to have children altogether.
cakebar is so right - there is more than one partner out there who is a good fit.
I've had previous bf who didn't want kids - who now have them, but at the time it wasn't on their agenda (or perhaps, just not with me...) but I guess it depends on when you see kids in your future. I didn't have mine til my late 30's but now rather wish I'd wanted them sooner.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/09/2013 21:02

It may be heartbreaking for you but if you want children I don't think you can hang around waiting for him to change his mind. Get out before you establish this relationship even more. Does he realise you could split up over it?

Get out now rather than in 10-15 years time, when you wished you had.

Original poster
orangefreeze · 28/09/2013 21:03

Mildred it does scare me tbh. I lived in a flatshare at uni but that was a different kind of situation obviously and I even moved in with DP before the end of uni. Every time I think about the practicalities of how I would actually move out and what I would do/where I would go I feel very scared and no idea what I would do. this is by no means the only thing keeping me here at all but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a factor.

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 28/09/2013 21:07

orange you arrange a nice one-bed flat for yourself to rent and just move in. Its fairly simple (especially if you can drive to hire a van) and you have complete freedom. You can come and go as you please or spend all day reading on the sofa [whistful]

Lazyjaney · 28/09/2013 21:15

Does he have a good potential career OP? Most ambitious men are not interested in kids until their 30s. Alternatively, he may just not want kids with you. Hard to know, but continually bringing it up probably scares him either way.

But, you're only 23, you only start to need to get serious about this in a few years time.

If you think he's the one hang in a bit longer, if you're not sure start casting your eye out for replacements

expatinscotland · 28/09/2013 21:21

What Mildred said. Or, if you cannot afford to rent a flat on your own, you look at bedsits or a room in a shared flat. Of your own.

Do you work?

I'd start looking at ads, going to lettings agents and planning.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2013 21:21

Nevermind him, his job, ambitions, etc, what about you and what you want?

youretoastmildred · 28/09/2013 21:22

Orange, I think you need to just get practical and make some lists.
Once you start looking at places to live, etc, you may find some great upsides: maybe you can now have a cat and he is allergic; maybe you can live much closer to work and use a bike and have no transport costs; etc. be open minded about upsides as well as getting into the nitty gritty of starting to potentially answer these questions.

Start with where to live. this is dominated by where you work and what you can afford, obv. work out the answers to all this first - earmark a general area and general type of arrangment (renting a flat, renting a room, buying, whatever). You can probably find the info you need to start shortlisting online, right now.

If you end up flatsharing with new people it could be a great new start for you into a ready made new social life!

Honestly, at your age (without wanting to sound patronising) it makes much more sense to see this step as a beginning, not an ending. I know it's easy for me to say and if I were you I'd be scared. fwiw I was kind of permanently terrified actually the whole time I was 23. It's a tough time. But everything is up for grabs - I guess that is why it's scary

do you mind saying what your job is and what sort of area you are in? you don't have to, obv

MysteriousHamster · 28/09/2013 21:34

You are young OP, but I wouldn't leave it too long before making a decision. I wanted a baby when I was 26, and I was married, and for one reason and another it didn't happen until I was 30. Now I'm 34 and it's looking unlikely I'll be able to have a second.

If you stay with him until 30+ and still want a baby, you won't have that long in fertility terms to find someone new and settle down enough to ttc.

It will hurt, but it might be better to leave now and move on.

MysteriousHamster · 28/09/2013 21:35

He could of course come around, but if he doesn't, you'll have wasted years :-/

(not that happy years are wasted, but you could end up unable to have children, whereas he could accidentally father a child in his fifties)

Liara · 28/09/2013 21:44

This could have been me and dh, except it was the other way round.

He decided he would rather have me than children.

3 years is very, very early into a relationship and I know many people who in their 20s and early 30s did not want children and changed their minds later on.

In the end we did have two children. It was 15 years before we had ds1, btw, and 10 before I decided to come off contraception, even though we were told we had no chance of conceiving without IVF.

To this day, it still means a lot to me that back then when I said 'I don't want children' his response was 'well then we won't have them'. Particularly since seeing just how important fatherhood in fact was to him, (which I have seen since we had our dc).

nickelbabe · 28/09/2013 21:49

I think it's a deal breaker.
I got together with my ex when we were 25 and we both didn't want children. after 5 years I definitely did and he still didn't.
took another 4 years to leave him, the last 2 I thi k I hated him and ny the time I left I really did hate him.
aas 35 by the time I got pregnant and felt really old

MissStrawberry · 28/09/2013 21:56

Why did you hate him? He had been straight with you and it was your choice to stay wasn't it?

nickelbabe · 28/09/2013 22:12

missstrawberry. I suppose i've oversimplified it.

it was part of it, but like the op, I felt trapped by the otherwise "perfect" relationship and I came to resent the fact that I would nevr get to have children if I stayed with him.
so I had to leave, but I had nowhere to go and no means to leave. I trapped myself.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2013 22:16

'3 years is very, very early into a relationship '

Not for some people. DH and I met, married and had a child in 14 months.

I'm glad it worked out for you, but it could easily have gone the other way.

Littleen · 28/09/2013 22:58

Must be a difficult situation. For me this would be a deal breaker, and if I waited for him until it was too late, I would never be able to forgive that. Follow your gut instinct on this one, whether it is a compromise you can live with, or if you would resent him for having no children, or even if he would resent you if you had children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2013 00:14

ExH and I both changed our minds. We didn't want children when we were together. I had DD almost three years ago with DH and he had his LO this year with his GF. FWIW, we are both in our 40s. If I had wanted children and waited for him to be ready, I would have been unhappy for years.

You need to be really honest with yourself. Is he more important than children or not? If not, leave ASAP and live your life.

MyBaby1day · 29/09/2013 05:19

Oh that's a shame, what about just having one?, like a comprimise?.

Cerisier · 29/09/2013 06:13

It is a deal breaker surely. If you want the chance of having children you need to move on while you have time on your hands. He might change his mind but he might not. Even if he does decide he wants children he might not want to have them with you.

MinesAPintOfTea · 29/09/2013 06:37

If 3 years is very early in a relationship then that's more reason to leave: its a good idea to plan to have children by around 30 (leaves time for slippage if things don't go too plan) and if it takes a year or 2 to meet someone new then the op could be 28 by the time she gets to 3 years again.

If course 3 years isn't really early in a relationship in terms of deciding whether or not to build your lives towards a common future.

Mimishimi · 29/09/2013 06:42

If he's absolutely sure about it, I wouldn't wait because it might be much harder to find someone unattached who wants children when you are in your thirties.