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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't encourage your son to call another man daddy...

83 replies

GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 13:30

...when his actual father is still a regular feature in his life?

I've been mulling this over for a few days and honestly don't know whether IABU and judgy or not. So...over to you lot!

My ds had a friend (let's call him J) round the other evening. J lives with his mum and mum's partner since she left his dad about 3 years ago. I don't know the dp very well, seems alright and appears to have a good relationship with J. However, I know that J also sees his dad regularly, goes on holiday with him, spends school breaks etc with him, so they have a close relationship too. All good, in fact.

So, it gets to pick-up time and J looks out the window and says 'my dad's here'. I go to the door and am a bit surprised to see the dp standing there. Obviously I don't say anything! But I was just Hmm

I could understand it in some situations but J was not little when his parents split, it's not like he's never known his dad as his dad iykwim? To add a bit of context, I am divorced from ds's dad, it wasn't an amicable split, I have a dp with a very good relationship with my ds, but I would never, ever let ds call my dp 'Dad' because no matter how much of a twonk I think his dad is, he's still his dad. And equally, I'd be gutted (and furious) if exh encouraged ds to call another woman 'mum'!

So, AIBU to think this is a bit...well...wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 13:32

Oh, and in the spirit of not drip feeding... J's mum has never told her ex about her dp.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 28/09/2013 13:32

Are you sure that's not just something he said to you for ease?

MammaTJ · 28/09/2013 13:33

Maybe he just uses it as a kind of shorthand.

My DD went through a phase of calling my DP Dad because her younger brother and sister did (because he is their dad). I didn't encourage it but I didn't stop her either. She just wanted to be the same as them.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 28/09/2013 13:33

Maybe she doesn't encourage him. Maybe he just does. Maybe saying 'Dad is easier than saying 'stepdad' or mum's partner or his name.

curlew · 28/09/2013 13:34

I never know about this. But I do know that my ds has a friend whose parents appear to have managed their divorce better than anyone else I know, and he calls both his dad and stepdad "dad" and his mum and step mum "mum". Which is weird but works. They turn up mob handed to parents evenings like a parental collective. Must be very scary for teachers!

Original poster
GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 13:34

I doubt it, he knows I know who the dp is and what his name is.

OP posts:
17leftfeet · 28/09/2013 13:35

How old is the child?

Children will usually make up their own minds what to call their step parents and I know many that their father is daddy and their step father is dad,dada,pops, Steve -whatever they feel comfortable with

Ultimately though it's the family's decision

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 28/09/2013 13:36

Well maybe he just calls him dad then. My DNs call my sister's husband "dad" on occasion and they have a very close (shared custody) relationship with their real dad.

MammaTJ · 28/09/2013 13:36

Oh, and in the spirit of not drip feeding... J's mum has never told her ex about her dp

WTF has that got to do with the price of fish? Or anything else?

I have never told my ex about my DP, although I assume he knows he exists, me and him having two children together. I imagine that during one of the many conversations our DD had with her Dad over the previous few years, the fact that I met him may have been brought up.

redcaryellowcar · 28/09/2013 13:37

I think its odd, my parents spilt when I was about five and since I was around 7 they have lived with and gone on to marry my step parents both of whom I refer to by their first names, my school friends mums would have soon cottoned on who I was talking about and I am sure my mum or dad would have been devastated if I called one of my step parents mum or dad.

meditrina · 28/09/2013 13:37

"but J was not little when his parents split"

And so is even less little now - perhaps old enough to have made his own decision? Do you actually know that anyone "encouraged" him?

Original poster
GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 13:38

The child is 11.

I suppose I just feel a bit sorry for the father but maybe I'm just projecting!

The dp's name is only one syllable so hardly more difficult to say than 'Dad' Grin

OP posts:
FatOwl · 28/09/2013 13:38

The ex (ie J's dad) doesn't know his ex wife (J's mum) is living with this new partner (aka "dad")???

I think that is weirder tbh

AmberLeaf · 28/09/2013 13:39

I think in the example you gave, it may have been said out of ease.

AmberLeaf · 28/09/2013 13:40

Yeah, the ex not knowing bit is a bit confusing.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 28/09/2013 13:41

I call my GM "grandma" - she was my step-grandma. [shrug]

Maybe try not to worry so much about how other families manage naming conventions and be happy J's DM's partner seems to be a positive part of his life, along with his real dad?

sparklyskyy · 28/09/2013 13:41

My parents split when I was 5 also and both remarried a couple of years later. My mum told me to start calling my step dad "Dad" because he felt weird when we were out and about and shouted out Mum and step dad's first name Hmm It was heartbreaking for my Dad and he was very upset about it and still is.

I get on well with my step parents but now wish I kept to his first name. I use it off the time now anyway because it confuses people who I'm talking about if I call him Dad.

Original poster
GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 13:42

FatOwl - yes. I mean, I expect he knows by now, via osmosis!, but she has never actually told him.

OP posts:
SilverApples · 28/09/2013 13:44

'They turn up mob handed to parents evenings like a parental collective. Must be very scary for teachers!'

No, I truly love it when that happens, curlew. I get sick and tired of dealing with adults who have fucked up their children with all the petty spite and game-playing, so four adults coming to talk about a child they all love or like is heart-warming. Smile
I have a number of children in the class who talk about 'dad' when they mean stepfather and 'dad' when they mean biodad and they qualify it if the listener isn't clear. They have it straight in their heads.

SunshineSuperNova · 28/09/2013 13:48

I chose to call my DSF 'dad' after he married my DM. She never once told us what to call him - until then DSis and I had called him by his name.

I also call my DF 'dad'.

kukeslala · 28/09/2013 13:55

How do you know its "encouraged"?

CaptainCupcake · 28/09/2013 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wheatus · 28/09/2013 14:00

Well as long as posters who think it's ok wouldn't mind another woman being called by Mum by their own children that's fine.

WeeHelena · 28/09/2013 14:00

It's not really any of your business is it?even if people and even me included get cross eyed at the thought of calling step family/parent dad etc.

I personally wouldn't let my dd call my dp daddy no matter if he is more of a constant in her life than her bio dad is.
Because of my own personal experience my bio dad died when I was very young and was replaced by another dad who was a constant up until I was in my teens,he wasn't acting like a dad should and dumped my mum in my early 20's and not heard anything since.
I'd rather have just lived calling him by his Proper Name.

Step parenting can work out for the best no matter what they are called and as long as the biological parents are fine with it as well as the dc then that's it.

Original poster
GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 14:01

Ok, maybe 'encouraged' is possibly the wrong choice of word. Point taken.

Having said that, I know that he was definitely 'encouraged' never to mention the dp to his dad (she and I had many conversations about this) so, I suppose I'm just a bit Hmm about it all.

I think if my ds started calling my dp 'Dad' I would find it strange.

OP posts:
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