To think you shouldn't encourage your son to call another man daddy...

[GinAndIt]

...when his actual father is still a regular feature in his life?

I've been mulling this over for a few days and honestly don't know whether IABU and judgy or not. So...over to you lot!

My ds had a friend (let's call him J) round the other evening. J lives with his mum and mum's partner since she left his dad about 3 years ago. I don't know the dp very well, seems alright and appears to have a good relationship with J. However, I know that J also sees his dad regularly, goes on holiday with him, spends school breaks etc with him, so they have a close relationship too. All good, in fact.

So, it gets to pick-up time and J looks out the window and says 'my dad's here'. I go to the door and am a bit surprised to see the dp standing there. Obviously I don't say anything! But I was just

I could understand it in some situations but J was not little when his parents split, it's not like he's never known his dad as his dad iykwim? To add a bit of context, I am divorced from ds's dad, it wasn't an amicable split, I have a dp with a very good relationship with my ds, but I would never, ever let ds call my dp 'Dad' because no matter how much of a twonk I think his dad is, he's still his dad. And equally, I'd be gutted (and furious) if exh encouraged ds to call another woman 'mum'!

So, AIBU to think this is a bit...well...wrong?

WeeHelena of course it's none of my business.

This is AIBU, it wouldn't exist without people wondering about stuff that's none of their business!

I think it is lovely to have 2 dads, some have 'none '. The same applies to 2 mums, and 4 sets of Gps. It is the parents who usually have the hurt feelings, which is understandable, but the happiness of their DC should be their priority.
At 11, the boy is approaching adolescence and seems happy having 2 dads in his life. And that can only be a good thing for him.

Your post is annoying and makes assumptions that you really shouldn't, don't feel sorry for the dad, you don't even know if he is unhappy with he situation.

My DS1 calls his father and DH dad. His son, now calls both of them his version of grandad.

I did not encourage this. DH did not encourage this. We didn't ever even suggest it. He just chose to do it himself. OK I didn't stop him but why should I? All of our DC more often than not, call us by our first names but at someone's house would definitely use the term mum or dad because it makes more sense to the host.

I don't think its because my DS is all traumatised by our divorce or split. We were never married, we haven't been together since he was born and we never were really together in the first place. So we aren't bitter or involving DS in an acrimonious split, he just acknowledges that both men play the dad role in his life.

dd calls dp daddy, I split with xp 5 months pregnant got with dp a month later and am still with him 4 years later. Dds BD sees her regularly, but is perfectly happy with our arrangement. We are all amicable, xp and dp get on quite well too.

My DCs never call my DP dad and I would strongly discourage them from doing so - same set up as your friend, they still see their dad regularly.

But other people sometimes assume he's their dad and refer to him as such. They don't bother to correct them. I could easily imagine them saying "oh there's my dad" as easy shorthand. I've also seen them refer to DP's DCs as their brothers and sisters.

It can get a bit wearing always having to explain a rather complex family situation to other people some of the time - sometimes it's just easier to use the familiar terms that everyone's familiar with. So I really wouldn't read much into it. You've certainly no proof that this has been encouraged.

umm it depends (bit of sitting the fence really)
DP does it with his step-mum. She has been in his life since he was about 7. Has a relationship with his mum. But will call his step mum, mum when referring to her with his younger siblings or in some situations. It's easier (especially when he was a kid and still at home)
Kid could have chosen to call him dad, people can call 2 people something

Tig thank you for taking the time to answer my annoying post.

You're welcome, maybe you won't be so rude about other peoples family situations in future.

Would you like to point out where I've been rude about them?

You seem terribly defensive for someone who's so happy with her setup.

It really is individual to each families unique circumstances.

I currently have 4 DC. DD1 and DD2 are DHs from a previous relationship, they live with us full time and call me Mummy.

DS1 is my son from a previous relationship and he calls DH Daddy.

DS2 is our first child together and he will obviously refer to us as Mummy and Daddy

DD1 and2 have no contact with their birth mother.
DS1 sees his Dad and stepmum every other week, he refers to his stepmum by her name.

DH and I are married and have been together since DS1 and DD1 were 1 and a half years old and DD2 was a babe in arms.

Ex H and his girlfriend, have been on and off for 2 years, have 2 children together but do not live together.

I would not be happy at all for DS to call his stepmum Mum.

I always called my step-dad dad when talking about him to friends/friends parents. But called him by his name at home. It was just easier that way.

oh and I'd be quite happy for dd to call another woman mum, providing that she loved dd and dd loved her.

I used to refer to my stepfather as "my stepdad" and I could see how I might have shortened it to "my dad." But I never called him "Dad," I used his name.

I think you are making a massive leap from hearing a child refer to someone as "my Dad" and assuming that they call him "Dad." It's not the same thing at all.

I would guess that schools/after school activities use the generic phrase "your mums and dads are outside" when the adults in question are a mix of: mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, foster carers, step fathers, step mothers. The children know it is just a term for parent/carer, and in turn will use it.

I think you are overthinking this.

However I have seen someone say to their child "go and ask Daddy" about the stepfather when I know that the child in question is on good terms with their father, and I did think , because if I were divorced and my DH referred to his new partner as Mummy to my DCs I'd be fucking fuming heartbroken.

Each to their own I guess.

Personally its a no in this house, ds1&2 call dp by his name, although we did have a situation a few years ago with exh wanting ds2 to call his new partner mum. I told him it wasnt happening.

Firstly your title, the use of shouldn't seems very strong, your OP mentions that you were and that you would never ever do this. You then talk about being gutted or furious and that you feel sorry for the dad. You even say you think its 'wrong'. Its all clearly a negative judgment.

You are clearly making judgments about the family and also that it is the mother that has encouraged this and that you don't agree.

You don't know if it was the mother who introduced or encouraged this, that the dad is unhappy, or what other families should or shouldn't do.

Yes I do feel defensive of my family setup up when a post seems to be attacking it as being not the done thing, like we're all meant to follow certain family rules to live by. I find it offensive that you're saying this behaviour, which has come about because we can all acknowledge the important roles that we play in the family, is 'a bit wrong'.

I think my family set up is strange and confuses people.

I have a bio dad who I call by his name should someone mention him. He is on his 2nd or 3rd wife now. Not sure. He will be married again in another 2 anyway. I dont ever meet his partners due to not seeing him.

I have a stepdad who got with my mum when I was 2 and married her. I apparently called him by his first name, then daddy then dad when they had my brother. He is my dad as adopted me at 11.

Then they split and are with different partners. So I have a step mum who is known as first name and mums husband is known as first name.

My son met bio dad when was a baby but doesn't know him. He calls my dad grandad and my stepdad Gan Gan. That was his choice. My stepdad is great with him and treats him like his own.

My brother sometimes slips up and calls his stepdad 'dad' as he does do more for him and sees him more than our dad.

Sometimes it is the kids choice. I doubt the ex doesn't know. Kids cant hold their own shit

I'm not attacking anyone, Tig. I'm hardly in a position to make judgements on family set-ups, conventional or otherwise.

But I had a gut reaction to this, I wondered if IWBU and I came here to canvass opinions. I do feel strongly about I, I would be gutted if ds started calling someone else 'mum'. It would feel terribly wrong to me. But that's just me, clearly. Maybe I am insecure

My DSs call DP dad. Their actual dad is an arsehole who sees them twice a month for a total of two hours in a contact centre. DP changes them, cleans up sick, pays for child care etc. it's the day to day things that make you a dad, not providing sperm.

That said I wouldn't allow it if the girls had a good relationship with my EXH

i am totally with you on this op. my dss's stepdad has referred to himself as daddy, whilst in our house doing handovers. it must be heartbreaking for my dp but he says that dss knows who is real dad is. if dss started calling me mum the ex would have something to say about it!!

Well the whole point of my thread is that the ds has a good relationship with his 'real' dad Downstairs. Which is what made it feel weird to me.

Obviously if the real dad is a deadbeat who takes no interest and has not been involved in the child's upbringing, that's a totally different scenario.

downstairs did you read the thread? she said where the childs father is still involved.

I'm kinda with you OP, in that my DC have a dad who is very much in their lives and I don't think I could ever see them referring to my bf as anything but his name. Just would be weird to me.

But as always it is up to the individual families in similar positions to assess what feels right for them.

I'm 100% with you, OP.
I have always called my step parents by their names. I refer to them as "my parents" if I'm talking about my mum and step dad, but I would never say "mum and dad". This doesn't sit right with me at all.

If I'd ever called my step dad "Dad" when I was younger, I hope my mum would have explained to me that I already have a "Dad" who would be very upset to hear me calling my SD that.

A male friend recently mentioned to me that his SD calls him "Daddy". Although this is none of my business, it made me feel pretty uneasy. The little girl still sees her dad and her mum has only been seeing my friend for about a year.

Want happens if the mum and new partner (now referred to as Dad) split? The child has a mum and two dads? Or does the child go back to using the man's first name? What if they have younger siblings who call him Dad and the child still has contact with both men? And if the mum meets another partner? Another "dad"? How many "dads" does a child need?

My step sons call me Mum, their choice, I married their Dad when they were in their early teens, they are now in their mid 20s, and in the next couple of weeks I'll be a Granny too.

If I shot them down the first time they called me Mum I imagine we wouldn't be as close now. They woulf have found it pretty hurtful.

If dh and I split and my children decided to call his new partner Mum, I wouldn't like it, but I would be glad (and a bit jealous) they had a good relationship.

It's only a name I suppose, it's the relationship that matters.