To think you shouldn't encourage your son to call another man daddy...

[GinAndIt]

...when his actual father is still a regular feature in his life?

I've been mulling this over for a few days and honestly don't know whether IABU and judgy or not. So...over to you lot!

My ds had a friend (let's call him J) round the other evening. J lives with his mum and mum's partner since she left his dad about 3 years ago. I don't know the dp very well, seems alright and appears to have a good relationship with J. However, I know that J also sees his dad regularly, goes on holiday with him, spends school breaks etc with him, so they have a close relationship too. All good, in fact.

So, it gets to pick-up time and J looks out the window and says 'my dad's here'. I go to the door and am a bit surprised to see the dp standing there. Obviously I don't say anything! But I was just

I could understand it in some situations but J was not little when his parents split, it's not like he's never known his dad as his dad iykwim? To add a bit of context, I am divorced from ds's dad, it wasn't an amicable split, I have a dp with a very good relationship with my ds, but I would never, ever let ds call my dp 'Dad' because no matter how much of a twonk I think his dad is, he's still his dad. And equally, I'd be gutted (and furious) if exh encouraged ds to call another woman 'mum'!

So, AIBU to think this is a bit...well...wrong?

Agreed, Needaholiday. If I had step children I would ask my partner to correct them (just to avoid any potential embarrassment)
If the father is hurt by someone else being called "Dad" the child should be told! Children need to grow up with awareness of other people's feelings!!

And what about the awareness of the child's feelings, are these just ignored because we are adults and therefore our feelings are so much more important?

I don't for one minute think that this is as straight forward as you are all trying to make it sound or as clear cut as I may be making it sound.

Each situation needs to be judged on its own merits, you can't simply say yes or no and be done with it.

Just like you can't possibly teach a child to have an awareness of other people's feelings, whilst you are completely ignoring what their feelings may be in the situation.

It should be whatever the child feels comfortable with. My daughter is 20 and calls my husband by his name but refers to him as 'my dad'. All by her own choosing.

My DH has been called daddy dd since she was 2 under her own volition. She is now 13. Sees her bio twonk every other weekend.

DH is more of a dad to her than the twonk has ever been.

Takes more than supplying half the DNA to be a dad.

Surely it's what the child wants?

To tell a child they can't call their stepparent what they feel comfortable with is undermining their feelings. If they are told to by someone else then yes, that is wrong of course - it should come from them.

What about if say Kathy has a daughter who is 3 when she breaks up with her partner and then is 5 when she gets with her new partner and marries him. At 9 years old her daughter Kate wants to call Kathy's DH Dad, instead of Simon. Simon and Kathy have a 3 year old son and a little baby girl. When the little brother Mark calls Simon Daddy, she'd feel left out and not part of the family if she was then told when she called Simon Daddy, that she can't call him it.

I am sorry for using names, but that's just an example, I don't know anyone with these names who are in a family. But the point is, surely it's up to the child and dependant on how old the child is and how long the stepparent has been in their life.

3 year old child really wouldn't have the understanding to make that decision, unless stepparent has been there since they were months old.

12 year old has a stepparent who has been there for 6 years and wants to call them Mum/Dad I would say that is fair enough/a decision they could choose to make.

However, if you had a 6 year old wanting to call their new stepparent Mummy or Daddy and they have only been with their biological mother or father for six months, I wouldn't say this should be necessarily encouraged.

But that's just how I see it personally.

It's up to the child and if they want to call the DP dad then it's up to the biological dad to be and adult and deal with it.
If it were me I would be happy that my child had a strong enough bond with the DSP for them to want to call them mum or dad.

FWIW I lived with my DSF from age 9 and regularly saw my DF every weekend. I called both of them Dad.

I think it probably very common that it would upset the actual Dad or Mum if step-parent or DP was called that by their DC but I do think it has to be the DC choice.

I could also see what the call the Step-parent may vary as to what company they are in or where they are or even how they are feeling.

The language DC instinctively talk if they are bi-lingual or what they will eat can very with company and such. While the DC may refer to the DP as my Dad in his house with you a close family friend may not call him Dad at other times and places.

So while the whole set up sound odd with parent not knowing about new DP - YABU with whole encouraging him to call DP Dad.