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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't encourage your son to call another man daddy...

83 replies

GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 13:30

...when his actual father is still a regular feature in his life?

I've been mulling this over for a few days and honestly don't know whether IABU and judgy or not. So...over to you lot!

My ds had a friend (let's call him J) round the other evening. J lives with his mum and mum's partner since she left his dad about 3 years ago. I don't know the dp very well, seems alright and appears to have a good relationship with J. However, I know that J also sees his dad regularly, goes on holiday with him, spends school breaks etc with him, so they have a close relationship too. All good, in fact.

So, it gets to pick-up time and J looks out the window and says 'my dad's here'. I go to the door and am a bit surprised to see the dp standing there. Obviously I don't say anything! But I was just Hmm

I could understand it in some situations but J was not little when his parents split, it's not like he's never known his dad as his dad iykwim? To add a bit of context, I am divorced from ds's dad, it wasn't an amicable split, I have a dp with a very good relationship with my ds, but I would never, ever let ds call my dp 'Dad' because no matter how much of a twonk I think his dad is, he's still his dad. And equally, I'd be gutted (and furious) if exh encouraged ds to call another woman 'mum'!

So, AIBU to think this is a bit...well...wrong?

OP posts:
JaquelineHyde · 28/09/2013 15:48

Having re-read your op I have decided YAB extremely U to state that you would never 'let' your child call your dp Dad.

I would have been mortified as a child if I had decided to call my stepdad dad and all of a sudden my Mum was there demanding that I refer to him by his name only, so that I spare the feelings of a fully grown adult who may be upset by me saying Dad.

What about if the child is really upset that they can't call their step parent, mum or dad? Do your ex's feelings or your feelings trump that because you are the adults?

Littleen · 28/09/2013 15:51

I know of kids who call both father and stepfather "dad" and don't see a problem with it :)

HopeS01 · 28/09/2013 15:52

Why would the child be "really upset"?!

As a child I would have been upset if my dad called my step siblings "son and daughter"! And I understood from a very young age that he would be upset if I called my SD "dad"!!

Liv24 · 28/09/2013 15:54

My ds (10) calls my dh dad.

He asked if he could after we had lived with dh for about 6 months.

He still sees his father regularly.

WeeHelena · 28/09/2013 15:55

Ok then my apologies .what I should have said is YABU.

Original poster
GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 16:00

I don't think it would ever cross ds's mind to call my dp 'Dad'. Because, y'know, dp's not his dad. And he already has someone that he calls Dad. His dad.

OP posts:
pajamapants1 · 28/09/2013 16:05

My son always called his bio dad by his first name and my dp daddy, all by his own choice. He got to decide what to do. He dosnt see bio dad any more due to ss. Some times kids know best. He might just have been embarrassed and not wanted to run through family life with you and explain who "fred" or whatever is.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/09/2013 16:07

Depends. He may well be calling him dad out of his own volition. Re not telling his dad about the mums new partner - I'm pretty sure that isn't true. Children aren't famed for their ability to keep things quiet and if this man is actually living with the mum he'll feature quite heavily in day to day live. Hard to extract.

My brother went through a phase of calling our step dad "dad" when he was younger. I would have been in my teens at the time and stamped that out hard. Now though if people refer to him as my dad I don't correct them. Yes I have a dad who I see often but my stepdad has been in my life a long time and does a lot of typical "dad" things that my biological father does not.

My children will call him Grandad or some variant without a shadow of a doubt.

BuskersCat · 28/09/2013 16:09

xp also calls dp 'daddy' to dd at handover times.

You can't really judge an individual family without knowing all the circumstances

JaquelineHyde · 28/09/2013 16:12

I would have been really upset if I was told I wasn't allowed to call my stepdad dad.

2 of my children have asked to call step parents mummy (me) and daddy (dh) if we had said no you must never call that person mummy or daddy they would have been mortified.

I can still remember the massive beams on their faces when we told them that of course they could say mummy/daddy if that's what they wanted.

In fact I remember DD1 calling me Mummy out of the blue and then looking all worried because she had said it, like she was going to get told off. I just carried on as normal and didn't draw attention to it, later that day she sat with me and her Dad and asked if she could call me Mummy.

DS1 asked DH if he could call him Daddy and was told of course he could if he wanted to. He still sees his Dad and has a good relationship with him and calls him Dad as well.

I don't understand the problem.

GrandPoohBah · 28/09/2013 16:17

My DSS (is 5, parents split when he was 2) has been encouraged by my DH's ex to call her OH Dad.

It breaks my DH's heart every time he hears it. He wouldn't say anything to DSS, because he's just doing as he was told, but I know how much it hurts him. DSS asked me if he had to call me Mum and I said he could call me what he liked but he already has a mum and I wouldn't want to usurp her, so he calls me FirstName.

You don't know the set up, but I think it must be very hard for his dad either way.

Original poster
GinAndIt · 28/09/2013 16:31

I don't want to out myself in case she's an MNer but I promise I'm not making random judgements from afar. I do know their set-up, very, very well. I'm very close to it on a daily basis! I don't know the dp particularly well but am very close to her and her ds and have been for years. Hence why I know about the 'keeping dp a secret' stuff etc. I think its possible to care about people and still be Hmm about their choices.

Anyway, I completely get that some people think I'm BU, that's fine, I get that it's horses for courses.

OP posts:
SunshineSuperNova · 28/09/2013 17:08

I think it's BU if it's forced but okay if the child makes their own choice.

Funnily enough, I never called DXSM anything other than her name, because I didn't live with her.

MrsMook · 28/09/2013 17:11

I have 2 mums. My mother still lived with her mother and step-dad when I was born. She worked and my grandma-mum cared for me in the day. When I was 3, she moved out, I stayed in the family home and called them "mummy x" and "mummy y". I knew the set up and just naturally called my mother and my grandma mum. I also called my step-grandad "dad". It was much simpler than going into labourious descriptions.

I've met my father as an adult and get on well with him and am happy to describe him as "father". I don't like people referring to him as "dad" though. I had a "dad" and loved him very much (he died when I was a child), and it was him that did all the dad things with me.

Children usually accept their own world as normal, and like simplicity, normal labels, and conforming. It wasn't until my teen years that people started picking holes about my family set-up.

FairOfFaceButFullOfWoe · 28/09/2013 17:34

I don't think it's weird actually. Just because this boy regularly sees his dad doesn't mean that he's a good dad (which is the case with my Ds and his father, he sees him approx 8 times a year as we live in UK and he is in Ireland). My Ds calls my fiancé Daddy. He chose that name himself, I never encouraged it, in fact I corrected him many many times when he first started but he was very persistent. His real dad does and has has always done things that anyone could do, he's not a responsible person and we never lived together. My fiancé does things that a dad would do. He gets him up in the morning for school, does his homework, takes him on days out, puts him to bed, reads him stories, loves him and would do anything for him. That's what a dad is. Just because the real father is still in the picture doesn't mean he acts the role of a dad. My Ds chose to call my fiancé daddy because to him that's what a daddy is and as long as he's happy I'm happy.

Jinty64 · 28/09/2013 18:43

Dsd calls me Mum and her little boy calls me Granny. She also has a Mum. I don't know what her other mother thinks of it but it's been this way for more than 20 years. I think YABU.

pigletmania · 28/09/2013 19:17

He is 11 and is fully aware, mabey he s saying it for convenience. Mabey it's from his own bat

pigletmania · 28/09/2013 19:26

Really it's none if your business what your friends nearly teenage ds calls your friends dp

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 28/09/2013 20:08

Personally I feel it's the child's choice. If he loves both, trusts both and wishes to call him dad exactly who do you think you are to question it?

Children are devoted. Rather than being snippy, how about you cherish how loved this boy feels where he trusts the men in his life this much? He sounds lucky to me.

Get over yourself.

YoniBottsBumgina · 28/09/2013 20:13

You are way overthinking this! If he calls him Steve or whatever then he'd be constantly saying to people "Oh, the other day, Steve - that's my stepdad, by the way - ..." it's easier for him just to say "My dad says X/my dad did X/my dad's here to get me." He's probably got into the habit of doing that, and either didn't realise you know his name and the fact he's his stepdad, or he forgot.

Give the poor kid (and mother!) a break! Confused

DS always calls DP "My Dad" because if he called him by his name (which he does at home) nobody knows who he's on about unless they know us personally. It is a bit different because his real dad isn't on the scene at all, but I can see how a child could get into the habit of it.

cory · 28/09/2013 22:37

The child is 11, if he says "my dad" when his mum isn't even within earshot, then I think it's a good chance that he's doing it because that's what he wants. It's his life.

Wheatus · 28/09/2013 22:41

I look forward to a lot of posters supporting the Step parent section with stepmums being called mum.

JumpingJackSprat · 28/09/2013 22:58

agreed wheatus. if a woman posted saying her kuds were calling their stemum "mum" then everyone would be well and truly up in arms. my dp gets his son EOW and holidays. hes a brilliant dad but doesnt get to see his child any more than that so its an extra slap in the face that another man is trying to be dss dad. just because he hasnt said anything it doesnt mean he is happy about it.

LEtranger · 28/09/2013 23:00

How do you know it's encouraged? I have never ever even suggested that my DSs call DH (their step-dad) Dad, because wonderful parent though he is to them, they already have their own dad. However, I have heard them refer to him as dad to other people on occasion - it seems to me for ease of reference or because it's a person they don't know well and can't be bothered to explain. But they never call him dad, always his first name.

Whatever makes the child feel comfortable I say, it's them having to deal with adult shit.

JaquelineHyde · 29/09/2013 00:06

Wheatus and Jumping whether or not I would support stepmums being called Mum (of which I am one who is called Mummy) would depend entirely on each individual situation.

It really isn't as simple or as straight forward as you are trying to make it sound.