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AIBU?

aibu to want my partner to build a relationship with my dd?

83 replies

zimzala · 26/09/2013 20:28

my partner of 2 years has consciously avoided forming a relationship with my dd.dp appears jealous of dd and shows in indirect ways dissatisfaction (moodyness for days) at any choices i make regarding dd.i get criticism often too.yet when i ask for help dp instead of this dp says they dont have any interest in kids stuff.also when dp cleans the home dd's room is ignored and always has been.when asked why the answer was it was a respect thing...dd doesnt come for cuddles anymore in a morning as dp finds it uncomfortable when she gets into bed even though it was always my side.dd drinks heavily and doesnt talk when i try to reason.relationship is in meltdown.do i stay or do i call it a day? any views will be gladly received.dd is 7 years old and has sn...

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zimzala · 26/09/2013 21:35

i can take the criticisms posted gatorademebitch,its fairly placed as i am responsible for dd's wellbeing.that coupled with the passion in the answers is the kick up the arse i needed.hence my posting.

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Belugagrad · 26/09/2013 21:44

Get off this thread op and start packing her a bin bag.

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TiredDog · 26/09/2013 21:44

Good luck Zim. Go and be a great Dad

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ImagineJL · 26/09/2013 21:45

It sounds like your DD has had a pretty rough time, first with a violent mother and now a "step mother" with a drink problem who doesn't like her.

Get rid of your partner and focus on your precious daughter. Loneliness is better than hurting her like this. And anyway, there are lots of lovely women out there who are kind to their partner's children, don't waste time with a nasty one.

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DioneTheDiabolist · 26/09/2013 21:47

OP, I'm glad that you posted. I'm glad that you received the right advice and intend to take it.

Just for future reference, being with someone, as a parent is very different from being with someone before children. It is not that your DP will have to take on your DD. It's just that the relationship is not between two people, it's a threeway relationship. The partner needs to recognize and respect the child (not necessarily love, especially in the beginning). They do need to take an interest and make an effort. Sometimes it works.. Sometimes it doesn't and the romance ends.

Your current DP's attitude is unpleasant and disrespectful, both to your DD and to you.. Dump her. Spend a some time being single. And when you do start dating again, have fun. Just remember that your girlfriend can only become your partner if she and your daughter manage to form a bond of their own.

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Sarahplane · 26/09/2013 21:49

Get rid of her. Your dd comes first. Good luck op.

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YoniBottsBumgina · 26/09/2013 21:50

It is absolutely crucial that a new partner builds a relationship with your children as well as you - you come as a package. If she ever wants to move in etc then she will be a stepmother-type figure. Absolutely unacceptable - should be a dealbreaker if no interest shown in first couple of months, even if they haven't met yet (and not meeting is standard for 6 months or so)

There are support programmes for men who have been victims of domestic abuse - please look them up for the sake of your DD as well as yourself. I don't know if there is a male equivalent of the Freedom Programme but it sounds like you desperately need to reevaluate your ideas of a good relationship! You don't have to be single forever or give up on the idea of meeting someone, if you don't want to - but it sounds like your boundaries are all skewed. It's really really worth reevaluating this if you can!

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MariaLuna · 26/09/2013 22:13

dp appears jealous of dd

Tells you all you need to know.

As well as a "man" who has not grown up.

Personally I wouldn't entertain someone like that for more than a day or two (giving him the benefit of the doubt).

Why is a random man more important than the most precious thing in your life - DC?

Anyway, he's on his way to controlling you both.

Don't give him that satisfaction. You two are so much more important than that!

Keep posting. The wonderful women of MN will soon put you on the straight and narrow...

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MariaLuna · 26/09/2013 22:20

Now I see it is a role reversal.

Doesn't make the slight bit of difference.

How come she is dp cleans the home...

No wonder she takes to drink

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whois · 26/09/2013 22:35

I can't believe you're putting your sex life above the well being of your daughter. Get rid. Now.

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Awomansworth · 26/09/2013 22:47

GatoradeMeBitch - What is harsh is that OP has a 7 year old dd with sn and he has let his partner be a nasty cow to her for two years to the extent that she is no longer even allowed come into their bedroom to give her df a cuddle. She must feel very vulnerable in her own home. OP has put his dp before his dd... This should never happen.

I'm glad that op appears to be taking control... just a little too late IMO.

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NicholasTeakozy · 26/09/2013 22:48

Hello Op. My penn'orth is that anybody, male or female, who refuses to interact with the child of their partner is not worth wasting time on. Good luck.

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cherryblossoming · 26/09/2013 22:58

OP mentioned that dp is a woman and he is the daddy.
"just to clarify dp is a woman im dd's dad."

Well, think of your daughter. You do not want to be a granddad who will never meet his grandchildren because your dd might resent you one day. Parents who think with one place instead of the brain make me really angry and sad. Think of your child first.

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Hissy · 26/09/2013 23:03

Good God dear boy, you really DO have to get rid of this woman.

What do you think this terrible cunt will be like when you are not there and she's alone with your child?

Have you seen the Stately Homes threads on here? It's for those of us who have grown up in dysfunctional/cruel/abusive families. Often at the hands of one 'parent' while the other has stood by and allowed it to happen. Your DD will need it if you don't protect her from awful people like this woman.

You deserve better, your child deserves better.

Please don't let another sun set with that woman under your roof. Get shot of her ASAP.

Anyone who doesn't adore you AND your DD is not welcome in your life, OK?

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cherryblossoming · 26/09/2013 23:17

While cuddling your child in bed is very important to many parents I have met one mum who shocked me by saying their kids are not allowed in parents' bedroom. I mention to her about my kids often coming and lying next to me and their daddy and it shocked her. She said, "Never." Yet, at the school grounds she looked as a very caring parent. She might be a caring parent but she probably puts sex first.
We like having kids in bed. They do not stay there long but it is important for them to feel our warmth.

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thebody · 26/09/2013 23:21

well mmmn. either you posted to make a point about mumsnetters being biased re a bad male partner or you are for real.

can't belive you would put your dd behind your partner knowing she was unhappy and the said partner didn't value your child.

don't expect to get kinder treatment or more understanding from me because your a bloke. so what!

you are your dds rock.she only has you.

sorry but you put your kids first.

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zimzala · 27/09/2013 06:14

i also came across a thread dp had written on a networking site last week and it was full of negatives about myself and dd.the worst being telling some stranger my dd,in her own words 'wont ever be coming to live with us!!!'.i know what to do,i think im just angry and needed a vent and confirmation that dp is wrong..and more impotantly,not for me and dd!
and thebody,yes im for real.

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zippey · 27/09/2013 06:18

This is a no brainer. Get rid of this person, there is no future with them. You need to take care of your vulnerable child.

I'm also sad to hear you refused your mum support when her brother died.

I have to question what kind of person you are to listen to your partner over your child and parent? Don't blame your DP for decisions you have made.

Hope you start making better choices in the future.

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zimzala · 27/09/2013 06:25

i hear you zippey.im a good man but ive been absolutely foolish.
and thanks..

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Wishfulmakeupping · 27/09/2013 06:45

You can do the right thing now though OP. your dd is going to be so much happier focus on that and get shot of this nasty piece of work

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Hissy · 27/09/2013 06:47

Print off the thread.

Put it in front of her and say that there's no more needed to be said.

Then suggest she leaves with no further delay.

It really IS that simple.

There really IS only one way to deal with this.

If you are not going to stand up for yourself and your daughter, then who?

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Hissy · 27/09/2013 06:47

The thread SHE wrote of course.

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zimzala · 27/09/2013 07:13

hissy i did confront her over it and she looked me in the eye and denied it all.so she lied to me to my face even though i was holding the proof in front of her.that was when the trust and respect went altogether for me.she has since deleted it all.i dont know why but for some reason happiness seems to elude me when it comes to relationships.i work hard,am loyal,honest,kind,trustworthy and solid yet this happens.dp works away alot and her enviroment is mixing with men mostly both in this country and abroad yet i have no issue with this and accept that is her life so it baffles me how she can be like this with me and dd..

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zippey · 27/09/2013 07:18

No problems. I am also a man. Do you think being single for so long had sapped you confidence to an extent that you were willing to put up with unacceptable behaviour? I think a lot of people might do this, but I think you can do better. There will be women out there who are willing to love you and your child as a package.

Just tell her nicely but straight - you don't think things are working out because you need someone who is prepared to love you and your daughter.

Where is DD's mum in all this, and and how is she with things?

I could understand if your child was an unreasonable teen, but your DD is too little and is being pushed out deliberately. I think you need to be on your daughters side.

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Hissy · 27/09/2013 07:27

Ultimately it doesn't matter why she's doing this, or even if she accepts responsibility for it.

You know she did it, you have the proof you need to make the only decision there is to make.

Happiness doesn't elude you, it's just that you don't demand it. You settled for someone SO terribly awful because, for whatever reason, you think that's what you're worth.

Being on your own is better than being in a relationship where your DD is treated badly, and you are disrespected.

I know how hard this is. I've done it myself.

Can you look at this for a second with distance, as if this were someone else?

You can see what has to happen right?

Ok then, remove all feelings. Put them to one side, because most of those feelings are based on fear, lack of self esteem and perhaps even guilt or selfishness.

Now end it.

You can come to terms with the feelings of loss later. We can help you with that, trust us, we do this day in, day out! :)

You have to make the treatment of your DD, of you a total dealbreaker. She needs to go.

Sooner rather than later.

What you tell people/your DD is that your DD is the most important person in your life, and having someone who isn't prepared to treat her with love, kindness, warmth and respect is not acceptable. Ever.

You can do this. Do it now. This week. Every day spent with someone who makes your DD feel bad is a day more your DD will need help to recover from.