aibu to want my partner to build a relationship with my dd?

[zimzala]

my partner of 2 years has consciously avoided forming a relationship with my dd.dp appears jealous of dd and shows in indirect ways dissatisfaction (moodyness for days) at any choices i make regarding dd.i get criticism often too.yet when i ask for help dp instead of this dp says they dont have any interest in kids stuff.also when dp cleans the home dd's room is ignored and always has been.when asked why the answer was it was a respect thing...dd doesnt come for cuddles anymore in a morning as dp finds it uncomfortable when she gets into bed even though it was always my side.dd drinks heavily and doesnt talk when i try to reason.relationship is in meltdown.do i stay or do i call it a day? any views will be gladly received.dd is 7 years old and has sn...

[queenbitchapparently]

Seriously your dd needs to know you are there fir her 100%
You have a man that is undermining that.
I would be giving him an ultimatum.
Sort it out or we are done. My daughter needs to know she is loved in her own home.
If he doesn't think he can do it you have your answer.

[wink1970]

OP, I noticed that you are not the resident parent, so presumably your daughter visits at weekends etc.? A slightly different perspective follows....I tell this story not because I think you should accept your DP's behaviour - I think it's too late, you need to cut loose - but as a guide for your next relationship.

As a stepmum, I confess to having had some problems with my DP's children in the very early days. In retrospect, a lot of the problems were around 'who is boss?'; it was a whirlwind romance and I had moved in within 3 months of meeting my DP, and myself and the step-kids were kind of 'forced' on each other (by a lovely DP who BTW only had the best intentions, and lots of love to give everyone).

My DP had kept the family home exactly as it was when he was married and the DC regarded it as 'their home' and not 'ours' - the examples seems so silly now but at the time they were quite hurtful - stuff like the DS giving the ex-wife's sister a key (so she took to letting herself in for a nosey), or the DD borrowing my clothes without asking because 'mum doesn't mind'....

For my part, I probably was indeed jealous of his unconditional love for them. It was odd that he snuggled them on the sofa rather than me ...and before you all go loopy, of course I knew that I had him the rest of the time so he was just sharing his snuggles! It doesn't mean it was any 'easier'. I hardly sulked, but I admit to occasionally wandering off & reading in another room rather than sitting on a chair on my own watching kids telly!

As it happened, my MiL was the one who sorted it out - she spotted the signs within weeks & gave the kids a big lecture on trying to understand the new set-up, and then did the same to me! We all made a big effort around 'boundaries' and trying to understand how the other person feels, and 13 years on I would struggle to find a closer step-relationship than the one we all have now. DS has just gate-crashed a 'romantic' weekend away (at my insistence, I know he likes that city) and DS comes up most weeks for lunch while DP is at work....

The moral of my story is that it's hard being a step-parent at first, and you rely on the parent to guide you about how it all 'works'. Please make sure you set the boundaries & expectations for both parties straight away next time round, and you will have a wonderful & fulfilling relationship all round. Best of luck!

[zimzala]

thanks very much its been helpful in clarifying things in my mind which my heart already felt...

[EldritchCleavage]

Sorry you've had some very harsh messages.

You are all three of you in a bad situation, and I genuinely think that the best way to resolve it is to end your relationship. Your partner is horrible to your daughter and you and it doesn't seem as though that will stop any time soon.

Spend a bit of time single, perhaps consider counselling and just lick your wounds.

[Dahlen]

I think you need to get your DP out and spend some time single repairing the bond with your DD (which will have been damaged each time you've allowed your DP to slight your DD in any way). If DD's mother was an abuser, and your current DP is behaving like this, that's a pattern, and one which I think would do you and your DD the world of good to get to the bottom of. Consider something like the freedom programme. Also try the famous Lundy Bancroft book. While there is a gender difference in types of abuse and how they are manifested, you will learn a lot about how abusive relationships work and keep their victims trapped through no fault of their own.

Please remember that living with an abuser isn't your fault. It doesn't matter how hard you work, how kind you are, how thoughtful you are towards your DP etc - it will never be good enough because the abuser has to find fault (and will manufacture one if need be) in order to convince themselves they are superior to you and therefore entitled to abuse. Your DD is on the receiving end. She is a direct threat to your DP's ability to control you and therefore more at risk of abuse than you are. It may not be your fault that DP is an abuser, but now that you know she is and that your child is at risk, it would be your fault if you fail to protect her.

I know it's not easy to get an abuser out of your home, though, so if you make the decision to leave, maybe post another thread for help and advice on how to do so.

[Mumsyblouse]

It does seem as if patterns are repeating themselves here, it's quite something to find another woman who also drinks heavily and is abusive (to your dd for sure). I think you need time alone, some counselling and for god's sake get this woman out of your home so your poor daughter can breathe and be herself in her own house without being rejected and the object of jealousy for this woman.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I wouldn't worry too much about her having a mother figure around at this point - as long as your dd has one great parent she should be fine OP.

Are you definitely ending it? I hope so! Try and arrange it so your daughter isn't around when you have The Talk, it's best that she isn't subjected to her anymore.

[zimzala]

brief background,dd's mum and i have an ok relationship now.minimal time around each other but united for the sake of dd.we had a bad time,she was a drinker and when in drink was extremely violent,regularly to me.i tried for custody and took lots of police photo evidence of injuries to court etc but no chance..the system is unfair.i left dd's mum after she attacked me in front of dd as a baby .this was to protect dd from seeing and growing up in this awful situation.spent 4 years alone to lick my wounds and focus on fun with dd.finally felt ready to try again and dated a few women.im more george gooney than clooney but had a fair bit of interest so a good self esteem builing experience.then i met dp who has 2 grown up sons.we hit it off and she gave me the angle of being able to dedicate lots of time to my dd as her kids were adults now so i stepped forward with her.and here i am now,feeling hurt,betrayed,angry and deceived for what has been said and done...

[Hissy]

Ultimately it doesn't matter why she's doing this, or even if she accepts responsibility for it.

You know she did it, you have the proof you need to make the only decision there is to make.

Happiness doesn't elude you, it's just that you don't demand it. You settled for someone SO terribly awful because, for whatever reason, you think that's what you're worth.

Being on your own is better than being in a relationship where your DD is treated badly, and you are disrespected.

I know how hard this is. I've done it myself.

Can you look at this for a second with distance, as if this were someone else?

You can see what has to happen right?

Ok then, remove all feelings. Put them to one side, because most of those feelings are based on fear, lack of self esteem and perhaps even guilt or selfishness.

Now end it.

You can come to terms with the feelings of loss later. We can help you with that, trust us, we do this day in, day out! :)

You have to make the treatment of your DD, of you a total dealbreaker. She needs to go.

Sooner rather than later.

What you tell people/your DD is that your DD is the most important person in your life, and having someone who isn't prepared to treat her with love, kindness, warmth and respect is not acceptable. Ever.

You can do this. Do it now. This week. Every day spent with someone who makes your DD feel bad is a day more your DD will need help to recover from.

[zippey]

No problems. I am also a man. Do you think being single for so long had sapped you confidence to an extent that you were willing to put up with unacceptable behaviour? I think a lot of people might do this, but I think you can do better. There will be women out there who are willing to love you and your child as a package.

Just tell her nicely but straight - you don't think things are working out because you need someone who is prepared to love you and your daughter.

Where is DD's mum in all this, and and how is she with things?

I could understand if your child was an unreasonable teen, but your DD is too little and is being pushed out deliberately. I think you need to be on your daughters side.

[zimzala]

hissy i did confront her over it and she looked me in the eye and denied it all.so she lied to me to my face even though i was holding the proof in front of her.that was when the trust and respect went altogether for me.she has since deleted it all.i dont know why but for some reason happiness seems to elude me when it comes to relationships.i work hard,am loyal,honest,kind,trustworthy and solid yet this happens.dp works away alot and her enviroment is mixing with men mostly both in this country and abroad yet i have no issue with this and accept that is her life so it baffles me how she can be like this with me and dd..

[Hissy]

The thread SHE wrote of course.

[Hissy]

Print off the thread.

Put it in front of her and say that there's no more needed to be said.

Then suggest she leaves with no further delay.

It really IS that simple.

There really IS only one way to deal with this.

If you are not going to stand up for yourself and your daughter, then who?

[Wishfulmakeupping]

You can do the right thing now though OP. your dd is going to be so much happier focus on that and get shot of this nasty piece of work

[zimzala]

i hear you zippey.im a good man but ive been absolutely foolish.
and thanks..

[zippey]

This is a no brainer. Get rid of this person, there is no future with them. You need to take care of your vulnerable child.

I'm also sad to hear you refused your mum support when her brother died.

I have to question what kind of person you are to listen to your partner over your child and parent? Don't blame your DP for decisions you have made.

Hope you start making better choices in the future.

[zimzala]

i also came across a thread dp had written on a networking site last week and it was full of negatives about myself and dd.the worst being telling some stranger my dd,in her own words 'wont ever be coming to live with us!!!'.i know what to do,i think im just angry and needed a vent and confirmation that dp is wrong..and more impotantly,not for me and dd!
and thebody,yes im for real.

[thebody]

well mmmn. either you posted to make a point about mumsnetters being biased re a bad male partner or you are for real.

can't belive you would put your dd behind your partner knowing she was unhappy and the said partner didn't value your child.

don't expect to get kinder treatment or more understanding from me because your a bloke. so what!

you are your dds rock.she only has you.

sorry but you put your kids first.

[cherryblossoming]

While cuddling your child in bed is very important to many parents I have met one mum who shocked me by saying their kids are not allowed in parents' bedroom. I mention to her about my kids often coming and lying next to me and their daddy and it shocked her. She said, "Never." Yet, at the school grounds she looked as a very caring parent. She might be a caring parent but she probably puts sex first.
We like having kids in bed. They do not stay there long but it is important for them to feel our warmth.

[Hissy]

Good God dear boy, you really DO have to get rid of this woman.

What do you think this terrible cunt will be like when you are not there and she's alone with your child?

Have you seen the Stately Homes threads on here? It's for those of us who have grown up in dysfunctional/cruel/abusive families. Often at the hands of one 'parent' while the other has stood by and allowed it to happen. Your DD will need it if you don't protect her from awful people like this woman.

You deserve better, your child deserves better.

Please don't let another sun set with that woman under your roof. Get shot of her ASAP.

Anyone who doesn't adore you AND your DD is not welcome in your life, OK?

[cherryblossoming]

OP mentioned that dp is a woman and he is the daddy.
"just to clarify dp is a woman im dd's dad."

Well, think of your daughter. You do not want to be a granddad who will never meet his grandchildren because your dd might resent you one day. Parents who think with one place instead of the brain make me really angry and sad. Think of your child first.

[NicholasTeakozy]

Hello Op. My penn'orth is that anybody, male or female, who refuses to interact with the child of their partner is not worth wasting time on. Good luck.

[Awomansworth]

GatoradeMeBitch - What is harsh is that OP has a 7 year old dd with sn and he has let his partner be a nasty cow to her for two years to the extent that she is no longer even allowed come into their bedroom to give her df a cuddle. She must feel very vulnerable in her own home. OP has put his dp before his dd... This should never happen.

I'm glad that op appears to be taking control... just a little too late IMO.

[whois]

I can't believe you're putting your sex life above the well being of your daughter. Get rid. Now.

[MariaLuna]

Now I see it is a role reversal.

Doesn't make the slight bit of difference.

How come she is dp cleans the home...

No wonder she takes to drink