aibu to want my partner to build a relationship with my dd?

[zimzala]

my partner of 2 years has consciously avoided forming a relationship with my dd.dp appears jealous of dd and shows in indirect ways dissatisfaction (moodyness for days) at any choices i make regarding dd.i get criticism often too.yet when i ask for help dp instead of this dp says they dont have any interest in kids stuff.also when dp cleans the home dd's room is ignored and always has been.when asked why the answer was it was a respect thing...dd doesnt come for cuddles anymore in a morning as dp finds it uncomfortable when she gets into bed even though it was always my side.dd drinks heavily and doesnt talk when i try to reason.relationship is in meltdown.do i stay or do i call it a day? any views will be gladly received.dd is 7 years old and has sn...

brief background,dd's mum and i have an ok relationship now.minimal time around each other but united for the sake of dd.we had a bad time,she was a drinker and when in drink was extremely violent,regularly to me.i tried for custody and took lots of police photo evidence of injuries to court etc but no chance..the system is unfair.i left dd's mum after she attacked me in front of dd as a baby .this was to protect dd from seeing and growing up in this awful situation.spent 4 years alone to lick my wounds and focus on fun with dd.finally felt ready to try again and dated a few women.im more george gooney than clooney but had a fair bit of interest so a good self esteem builing experience.then i met dp who has 2 grown up sons.we hit it off and she gave me the angle of being able to dedicate lots of time to my dd as her kids were adults now so i stepped forward with her.and here i am now,feeling hurt,betrayed,angry and deceived for what has been said and done...

I wouldn't worry too much about her having a mother figure around at this point - as long as your dd has one great parent she should be fine OP.

Are you definitely ending it? I hope so! Try and arrange it so your daughter isn't around when you have The Talk, it's best that she isn't subjected to her anymore.

It does seem as if patterns are repeating themselves here, it's quite something to find another woman who also drinks heavily and is abusive (to your dd for sure). I think you need time alone, some counselling and for god's sake get this woman out of your home so your poor daughter can breathe and be herself in her own house without being rejected and the object of jealousy for this woman.

I think you need to get your DP out and spend some time single repairing the bond with your DD (which will have been damaged each time you've allowed your DP to slight your DD in any way). If DD's mother was an abuser, and your current DP is behaving like this, that's a pattern, and one which I think would do you and your DD the world of good to get to the bottom of. Consider something like the freedom programme. Also try the famous Lundy Bancroft book. While there is a gender difference in types of abuse and how they are manifested, you will learn a lot about how abusive relationships work and keep their victims trapped through no fault of their own.

Please remember that living with an abuser isn't your fault. It doesn't matter how hard you work, how kind you are, how thoughtful you are towards your DP etc - it will never be good enough because the abuser has to find fault (and will manufacture one if need be) in order to convince themselves they are superior to you and therefore entitled to abuse. Your DD is on the receiving end. She is a direct threat to your DP's ability to control you and therefore more at risk of abuse than you are. It may not be your fault that DP is an abuser, but now that you know she is and that your child is at risk, it would be your fault if you fail to protect her.

I know it's not easy to get an abuser out of your home, though, so if you make the decision to leave, maybe post another thread for help and advice on how to do so.

Sorry you've had some very harsh messages.

You are all three of you in a bad situation, and I genuinely think that the best way to resolve it is to end your relationship. Your partner is horrible to your daughter and you and it doesn't seem as though that will stop any time soon.

Spend a bit of time single, perhaps consider counselling and just lick your wounds.

thanks very much its been helpful in clarifying things in my mind which my heart already felt...

OP, I noticed that you are not the resident parent, so presumably your daughter visits at weekends etc.? A slightly different perspective follows....I tell this story not because I think you should accept your DP's behaviour - I think it's too late, you need to cut loose - but as a guide for your next relationship.

As a stepmum, I confess to having had some problems with my DP's children in the very early days. In retrospect, a lot of the problems were around 'who is boss?'; it was a whirlwind romance and I had moved in within 3 months of meeting my DP, and myself and the step-kids were kind of 'forced' on each other (by a lovely DP who BTW only had the best intentions, and lots of love to give everyone).

My DP had kept the family home exactly as it was when he was married and the DC regarded it as 'their home' and not 'ours' - the examples seems so silly now but at the time they were quite hurtful - stuff like the DS giving the ex-wife's sister a key (so she took to letting herself in for a nosey), or the DD borrowing my clothes without asking because 'mum doesn't mind'....

For my part, I probably was indeed jealous of his unconditional love for them. It was odd that he snuggled them on the sofa rather than me ...and before you all go loopy, of course I knew that I had him the rest of the time so he was just sharing his snuggles! It doesn't mean it was any 'easier'. I hardly sulked, but I admit to occasionally wandering off & reading in another room rather than sitting on a chair on my own watching kids telly!

As it happened, my MiL was the one who sorted it out - she spotted the signs within weeks & gave the kids a big lecture on trying to understand the new set-up, and then did the same to me! We all made a big effort around 'boundaries' and trying to understand how the other person feels, and 13 years on I would struggle to find a closer step-relationship than the one we all have now. DS has just gate-crashed a 'romantic' weekend away (at my insistence, I know he likes that city) and DS comes up most weeks for lunch while DP is at work....

The moral of my story is that it's hard being a step-parent at first, and you rely on the parent to guide you about how it all 'works'. Please make sure you set the boundaries & expectations for both parties straight away next time round, and you will have a wonderful & fulfilling relationship all round. Best of luck!

Seriously your dd needs to know you are there fir her 100%
You have a man that is undermining that.
I would be giving him an ultimatum.
Sort it out or we are done. My daughter needs to know she is loved in her own home.
If he doesn't think he can do it you have your answer.