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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised my daughters birthday in this way?

270 replies

JeremySmile · 26/09/2013 14:14

My 6 year old wanted a party with themed crafts for the girls and then a bouncy castle with the boys. Rather than having the boys waiting around/distracting from the crafts (can't afford to do crafts for boys and girls particularly as the boys in question very likely wouldn't be interested in crafts) I sent the invitations with different arrival times for boys and girls. The girls get 1.5 hours to do the girly things, then the boys join them for the remaining 2 hours of the party for food, games and the bouncy castle. No one that's invited has a boy and girl to bring, so it doesn't make life difficult for anyone. However, one of the boys mums has commented that he'll be 'upset' that he didn't get to be there for the whole party. AIBU in doing this?
Also, my daughter handed out the invitations at the end of the school day and they were a bit different to usual invitations (not just your standard envelope) and two of her classmates were crying because they hadn't received one. There are 30 children in my daughters class so no way I could afford to invite them all, my dd had written a list of who she wanted to invite based on who she plays with. Neither of the crying children had invited dd to their party, yet their mums both gave me filthy looks and were making a big deal of consoling them. First of all I felt bad and that maybe I should've made more effort to hand the invitations to the mums of invited children discreetly, but then dd pointed out that she didn't cry when she wasn't invited to their parties, and 'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'. These children had handed out their invitations at school too. AIBU for doing this and thinking the dirty looks aren't justified?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2013 14:59

This is like a wedding, where the boys were invited to the evening do only, on the basis of their gender. Still expected to bring presents.

It smacks of "Oh, I know what to do, lets make a big party with crafts for dds favourite friends, then to maximize on presents, when the activity is over, the boys arrive and get some grub"

Greedy.

cingolimama · 26/09/2013 15:00

YABU!

Horribly sexist idea.

And please everyone, have some discretion about handing out invites. So what if your daughter didn't cry, OP? Most 6 year-olds - most children and young teenagers (both boys and girls) are very sensitive to being excluded. It's hurtful to them and it takes almost nothing to just do it discreetly - why wouldn't you do that? If only to save one child even a moment's upset? Shame on you.

ICameOnTheJitney · 26/09/2013 15:01

What a weird and sexist party. YABU.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2013 15:01

The only consolation is that you are teaching the other parents in your dds class what NOT to do.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 26/09/2013 15:05

Bonkers! Just have a craft table that is optional and a bouncy castle.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 26/09/2013 15:07

This is why I like soft play parties. You bung em in and whether or not they choose to play in a gender specific way is up to them and you can't see what they are doing so you'll never know. Everyone's a winner.

Turniptwirl · 26/09/2013 15:07

What if one of the boys wants to do crafts? Very odd way of doing things!

Retropear · 26/09/2013 15:09

My poor DS would have loved the crafts but not the bouncy castle,dd would have been the reverse.Confused

Shnickshnack · 26/09/2013 15:14

Yabvvvu Sad Shock Hmm at segregating the children and actvities in this way. What utter nonsense.

Seriously! Organising your party in this way is very strange!

Katnisscupcake · 26/09/2013 15:23

I'm not going to join the 'gender' debate because it's your DD's party and therefore your right (and hers) to do whatever you want. What amazes me is people (the little boy's mother who commented...) complaining when they've been invited to a party!!

If it's really that much of a problem for people, just don't go! I would never ever be rude enough to complain about ANY aspect of a party that I'd been invited to. If the invite said 'present to the value of no less than £30 and everyone has to wear a pink tutu' then I would still be grateful to be invited. I may not go and would politely decline, but I would still be happy that they'd thought of inviting me (or DD). You don't HAVE to go.

Jeez...

OP, do whatever you want and YANBU!!

Retropear · 26/09/2013 15:28

But the boy is being excluded simply because he has a willy and is obviously upset.

Sorry any mother who made my son think he wasn't suitable for craft activities which op is doing would be asked as to why.

SummerRain · 26/09/2013 15:29

At dd's 6th birthday party I made heaps of plain biscuits and cakes for the kids to decorate. Shoved them on a table with tubes of squirty icing, sprinkles and edible glitter and let them at it.

The boys were totally into it and despite it being an even split of boys and girls the boys were far more productive biscuit decorators (although also tended to eat them before moving on to the next whereas the girls were more likely to carry home an armful 'to show granny/daddy/the dog' Grin)

One of the best parties any of the mothers ever organised was a craft party, organsied by a mother of a boy in dd's class. She bought lots of those cheap 'paint your own _' and set them up at a table with them, let them dry while they were having party food and watching a movie, then sent them home with them. dd still has her piggy bank.

I really don't understand how anyone can think boys won't like crafts Confused

MurderOfGoths · 26/09/2013 15:33

YABVU and nuts with it

SoupDragon · 26/09/2013 15:37

it's your DD's party and therefore your right (and hers) to do whatever you want

Is it really? You think it's perfectly OK to treat a section of "society "as second rate based on their gender? Would it be OK to do the same based on skin colour?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 26/09/2013 15:42

Stupid, over complicated idea for a birthday.

cingolimama · 26/09/2013 15:46

Thank you Soup. Couldn't have said it better.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2013 15:46

I would not be happy to be invited to a party if I were there as a "second rate citizen", bringing my present and all, just to be told that the real party is in room A, please proceed to room B, which this is equivalent to.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 26/09/2013 16:01

Well it's entirely up to you how you arrange your dds party. I wouldn't be letting my little boy come though, as it sets a bad example for him.

I don't want him to learn entrenched gender roles that dont even translate into the adult world.

He likes making things, if he was shown firmly that as a boy he must not do these things, I think he'd probably stop as he wants to fit in. So I'd regard what you are doing as something I'd want my child kept away from.

Btw, it's just so odd as your childhood gender roles excluding boys from making things means you are pushing them away from interests that can lead to a career in art, design, architecture. These arebt exactly girly professions, so it all strikes me as making up even more differences than the ones that exist already. Just odd really.

I'm not saying one party will lead to this, I'm just pointing out the illogical nature of your random gender biasing.

PeppiNephrine · 26/09/2013 16:04

I wouldn't allow my sons to go either. Two-tier birthday parties, more stuff for girls, boys told what they are allowed to be interested in.....no fucking thanks!

Jan49 · 26/09/2013 16:06

What a weird party. If what your dd wanted most was to do crafts with her closest friends, she could have had a party where she only invited her closest friends and they did crafts. As she or you decided to have a bouncy castle too, she could have invited whom she wanted and the kids could do crafts or bouncy castle or both. Dividing the party down gender lines is weird.Shock

DawnOfTheDee · 26/09/2013 16:12

Can I please ask OP what the invitations were like? You say that they were a bit different to usual invitations (not just your standard envelope) and I was wondering what this meant.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2013 16:19

No, my son would not go either.

The girls will probably all come, as their mums might not realize what a weird fucked up set up you have.

mumeeee · 26/09/2013 16:27

YABU lots of boys do like doing crafts.

mumeeee · 26/09/2013 16:27

YABU lots of boys do like doing crafts.

FunnysInLaJardin · 26/09/2013 16:27

Oh dear OP, you walked into that! FWIW I wouldn't worry about upsetting folk who aren't invited. We have invited at the most 12 children out of a class of 28 and if anyone cried, I didn't see it!

The party 'theme' is entirely up to you, however I do know from experience that when children for whatever reason aren't treated equally it can cause upset among the children and the parents. I know one mum who ended up having two parties to please all the girls in the class and it was seen a the A list party and the B list party, which I'm sure it wasn't.

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