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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised my daughters birthday in this way?

270 replies

JeremySmile · 26/09/2013 14:14

My 6 year old wanted a party with themed crafts for the girls and then a bouncy castle with the boys. Rather than having the boys waiting around/distracting from the crafts (can't afford to do crafts for boys and girls particularly as the boys in question very likely wouldn't be interested in crafts) I sent the invitations with different arrival times for boys and girls. The girls get 1.5 hours to do the girly things, then the boys join them for the remaining 2 hours of the party for food, games and the bouncy castle. No one that's invited has a boy and girl to bring, so it doesn't make life difficult for anyone. However, one of the boys mums has commented that he'll be 'upset' that he didn't get to be there for the whole party. AIBU in doing this?
Also, my daughter handed out the invitations at the end of the school day and they were a bit different to usual invitations (not just your standard envelope) and two of her classmates were crying because they hadn't received one. There are 30 children in my daughters class so no way I could afford to invite them all, my dd had written a list of who she wanted to invite based on who she plays with. Neither of the crying children had invited dd to their party, yet their mums both gave me filthy looks and were making a big deal of consoling them. First of all I felt bad and that maybe I should've made more effort to hand the invitations to the mums of invited children discreetly, but then dd pointed out that she didn't cry when she wasn't invited to their parties, and 'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'. These children had handed out their invitations at school too. AIBU for doing this and thinking the dirty looks aren't justified?

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 27/09/2013 15:05

Oh and I completely agree, bet lots of the girls will forget to bring the damn wands on the day! What will you do then?

MrsCakesPremonition · 27/09/2013 15:06

No - most parties have been ones of 10-12 children at my home. But at that sort of age, my DD wanted to invite a mix of girls and boys.

BaldricksTurnip · 27/09/2013 15:07

Well Dancergirl, as this is a 1950's party, the girls who forget their wands on the day will probably be made to stand in the corner with a 'Dunce' hat on.

MrsCakesPremonition · 27/09/2013 15:08

There will always be uninvited children, but I've never seen anyone make so much effort to upset the ones that are being invited (to some of the party) as well.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 15:09

Dancer - I get that all children are different but honestly thought they'd be used to not all being invited by year 2 as invitations have always been handed out at school.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2013 15:17

Op. You just dont understand, do you?

The problem is not that the whole class is not invited.

The problem is that you are dividing the party goers into:

A list (the girls that gets do do fun stuff, party food and bouncy castle, and get to take a craft creation home with them)
B list (the boys, who does not get to do crafts, but only gets to eat party food and go on the bouncy castle. No party bag)

This A and B list is based on blatant gender discrimination.

I suspect that you are greedy. You realized that your dd would not get enough presents by only having the girls, so you decided to bung in some boys with the pithy excuse "oh they would not want to make wands" so you would not have to pay for craft materials.

AhCmonSeriouslyNow · 27/09/2013 15:18

While I don't think I would have thought of doing separate invitations/arrival time for boys and girls, I did a craft table at my DD's (5) party. It was beetle-themed and, though the boys came to have a look for a few minutes, within about 3 minutes ALL the boys were off running around and the girls were sitting down and concentrating on the craft. I hadn't anticipated that at all so based on my experience, I reckon that leaving the boys out of the craft is not unreasonable.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2013 15:20

But they would likely have chosen to not do the craft and just go on the bouncy castle, had they been given the chance!

By letting the boys attend the craft she would have had a shorter party, 2 hours would have been plenty, so shorter hall hire. The same amount of food, and just a little bit extra craft supplies, and she would not have come out of it looking like a sexist, grabby loon!

roweeena · 27/09/2013 15:24

Ahcomon - at least the boys were given it as an option at your party.

OP do you recognise that you may have been a tiniest bit unreasonable by splitting the party into girls crafts vs boy etc?

mamaslatts · 27/09/2013 15:25

Mrs Smug and her child precious.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 27/09/2013 15:29

exactly mama

Pigsmummy · 27/09/2013 15:33

OP you are going to/are getting a pasting. Your plan sounds sensible to me, the only thing is that you have let it slip that there were different times, should have just handed out invites. I would also assume that most boys't be interested in making wings so would be a good way to cut cost, however you don't need to justify it.

As for the dirty looks I would have smiled back, you can't have 30 children so some were going to be dissapointed, make sure that your daughter has a nice answer for the children that didn't get an invite. Something like "our house isn't big enough to invite everyone and as you didn't ask me you your party I thought that you wouldn't mind mind not coming". I hope that the party is a grea sucess!

monicalewinski · 27/09/2013 15:38

"sexist grabby loon", "Mrs Smug and her child precious", "you are greedy", "Will the boys only realize they are the second rate budget option because hostess ran out of funds but still wanted to bank some presents for her precious".

FFS, I'm pissed off on the OP's behalf. Her 6 yr old GIRL wanted 6 of her best GIRL friends at a small craft party; she also invited TWELVE BOYS to the main part of the party. ALL children are getting party bags, presumably the parents that have RSVP'd 'yes' on behalf of their children do not see that there is any subversive discrimination afoot and are quite happy for their kids to attend.

TBH, I would much rather have my boys go to OP's daughter's party than the parties of children whose parents spout the nasty bile that some posters on this thread have.

BaldricksTurnip · 27/09/2013 15:42

The truth hurts and your point is?

3birthdaybunnies · 27/09/2013 16:05

We did a fairy party at similar age. Boys and girls both seemed v happy with their fairy houses which they made there, complete with fairy dust and fairies, plus a few dinosaurs thrown in for those that cared, they all enjoyed it. We said party was for fairies, elves and goblins, but to be honest I think they just enjoy anything at that age. I'm sure the OP's daughter will have a lovely time, though I imagine she will think twice next year or not post in AIBU about it anyway!

Fakebook · 27/09/2013 16:18

OP, because they had to design a bride's dress aswell which meant making fairy type crafts...

Anyway, YABU.

lachrymavitis · 27/09/2013 16:44

My 5-year-old son has just been to a princess party. He dressed as a pirate and enjoyed making wands and crowns and jumping around after the princess.

An hour and a half for craft sounds like a long time for a 6 year old to me regardless of gender.

I think you should have had the two options and the children could decide which they wanted to do.

I wouldn't worry about the children who haven't been invited. It would be a bit cruel if it was one or two but twelve seems fair enough to me.

MissStrawberry · 27/09/2013 16:51

Why do the girls get the longer party? Why haven't you made it so the boys come first and have the full 3.5 hours?

Chocovore · 27/09/2013 17:18

YABU to have a 3.5 hour party!!!!

Hopemore · 27/09/2013 20:59

Hope OP comes back and let us know how the party went.

kali110 · 27/09/2013 22:54

I dont think there was anything wrong with having the wands as invites. Op couldnt invite the whole class, just because some of the kids werent invited doesnt mean her dd couldnt have nice special invites.
As op said her dd wasnt invited to all the parties and im sure there would have been lovely invites then too.

Balaboosta · 28/09/2013 21:45

Yea, verily, I return to thread and find - alas! - ye hath not repented of ye olde fashioned wayes, not by a cat's whisker. And lo I doth conclude that ye are medieval. Oh yay oh yay!

hels71 · 28/09/2013 22:17

My DD wanted to do butterfly crafts at her party (she adores making things!!) it was her idea to make sure there were also some bugs and spider things for the boys she invited (very boyish boys!!) who very much enjoyed creating spider masks to scare everyone!! Boys can like making too you know! We only invited as many as I could afford, yellow moon was brilliant, it eventually worked out as all the girls from her class at school and the boys were two she has played with from birth from different schools.
I think that only inviting 18 is fine......they can't all go to everything, but different times is just weird....if you can't afford craft for all then just invite as many as you can....

Twattybollocks · 28/09/2013 22:43

Why not just have a craft table where both the boys and girls get to make whatever they like? My daughter wouldn't be seen dead waving a wand, sword or bow and arrow possibly but not a wand. Did you stop to think that not all girls like pink sparkly shit and some boys actually do like crafts?
No problem with the invitations tho, kids do have to learn at some point that they can't be invited to everything.

Pagwatch · 28/09/2013 22:50

What a pile of over blown, self indulgent horse shit.