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Original poster

The phrase 'sorry for your loss'

233 replies

Numberlock · 26/09/2013 11:10

It's so trite, where did it come from? It seems a fairly recent thing.

I can't stand euphemisms at the best of times, what's wrong with saying 'Sorry to hear about xxxx'?

'Loss' sounds like you've misplaced a handbag or credit card...

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 26/09/2013 21:19

Fuzzy thatbjust sounds like a cop out to me .

Of all the terms you could say that one is the most accepted . If you are worried then say it and watch the reaction and decide what to do hext .
tell them you really dont know what to say but you are sorry .

There are many ways to show someone you give a toss .

Bowlersarm · 26/09/2013 21:22

But MrsDV, the whole thread is a bit unfortunate in that people piled in at the beginning without knowing the ops incredibly recent bereavement, and when they did find out it put the whole thread on a different footing.

If anything, it's made me think there isn't a right thing to say but many many wrong things.

'Sorry for your loss' seems to be the least inoffensive and probably one that I would now use if I don't know the particular person i'm talking to well.

MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

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concretebox · 26/09/2013 21:27

'Sorry for your loss'

I could never find that offensive.
Today got terminal cancer diagnosis for a close relative.
Beyond belief to find anyone wanting for expressing such a sentiment.

ABaconAndOnionTart · 26/09/2013 21:28

I haven't read the thread, sorry, but the team 'lost' is not an Americanism, think about the lost boys in Peter Pan-it was a euphemism for someone who has died, the children who would never grow up.

One aspect of grief is anger, and it is difficult to know what to say to the bereaved for fear of upset, or being angry at what is being said.

At the moment I am happy to hear anything that people have to say about my 'loss'. I have lost so much and the fact that people care enough to say so is heartfelt.

Kyyria · 26/09/2013 21:30

I can't stand the phrase "fell asleep" when referring to someone who has died. If they had just fallen asleep then you wouldn't have a problem!!!! grrrr!

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2013 21:33

When my Mum and my Sister died, I really didn't care what words people used to acknowledge their deaths.

I was just grateful they took the time to say something, that's all.

Death often makes people feel awkward, without worrying about the words they choose to use.

rhetorician · 26/09/2013 21:35

As others have said it is a standard expression of solidarity with someone who is grieving in Ireland. I think it enables one person to say something to another without presuming (remember that in Ireland everyone goes to funerals, so you might find yourself at a funeral for someone you didn't know well or even haven't met). The point is less the words than the intention behind them. I think when you have experienced a loss everything that is said is painful, and fails to speak precisely to your experience, that's what grief is like. OP, I am sorry that you are suffering (no less a cliche than the original, I'm afraid) and hope you have friends and family to support you.

expatinscotland · 26/09/2013 21:43

What MrsdeVere said.

MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 21:44

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WeileWeileWaile · 26/09/2013 21:46

I think there's a lot to be said for cultures where death isn't a taboo and people can freely discuss the death of a loved one and how they feel, without feeling like they're making other people uncomfortable.

I have always said I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for your troubles, but like others have said, it's probably because I'm Irish and it's what I've grown up hearing.

I have to say though - being angry after experiencing the loss of a loved one is perfectly ok. If I say something crass, through not knowing/understanding and I'm told to stop being so fucking stupid by a mourner - well that's fine. It's a momentary embarrassment for me that I can attempt to put right.

When my nan died, I was told it was a release and that she was in a better place, with her husband and children - and it was. She was in her 90's, with dementia, her skin was breaking down, her organs were failing and she was in unbearable pain. I think a death like that is possibly the only time that those phrases are acceptable - to say it to someone who has lost a child is just dense, to put it nicely.

OP and Puppy - I'm sorry to hear about both your mums. Take it easy on yourselves for the next while.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2013 21:47

Would you really have been ok with someone telling you that your mother or sister's death was 'for the best'?

Oh God no not at all...sorry! Shock

I was going on the OP worrying about 'sorry for your loss'.

I didn't realise the thread had moved on...that'll teach me to read it all before commenting.

ssd · 26/09/2013 21:51

I found when my parents died I most appreciated honestly from people, not clichés which is mainly what I got. But I also know no one who has suffered deep awful grief has a clue what to say. I remember saying something really daft to a neighbours teenage child when his dad had just died very suddenly. I was so tongue tied I said "I seen your sister, her hair is really nice after being cut today"...I mean WTAF!!!

I can get people not understanding my grief, but what hurts the most is it being ignored.

ABaconAndOnionTart · 26/09/2013 21:53

But its ok for those who have actually lost someone to feel upset?

When you are bereaved, nothing, in my opinion can make you feel more upset. Isn't bereavement the worst upset you can experience?

MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 21:53

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ssd · 26/09/2013 21:58

agree baconandonion

MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 21:58

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fuzzywuzzy · 26/09/2013 22:00

MrsDevere I'm not English, I know the norm for my own culture.

I do take threads on MN seriously, if a lot of the people here say they prefer the condolences to include the name of the love one I take that on board.

But if 'sorry for you loss' is going to cause hurt, I'm not about to impose myself on someone who is already in a lot of pain.

I've lost a lot of very close family, I don't remember the words said by the people who came to pay their respects. I remember they cared.

BlackDaisies · 26/09/2013 22:01

I agree with the OP that I don't particularly like the phrase "sorry for your loss". I remember getting a card from work, with about 50 signatures in it, ALL of which saying "sorry for your loss"/ "sorry to hear the news". Of course I appreciated the card, but I do remember feeling a bit taken aback and upset and thinking "it's my lovely dad who died, why couldn't even one person mention him" Sad Seeing all those signatures mentioning a "loss" or "news", seemed to sort of wipe him out of the equation.

I also had the odd person ignore me completely, but strangely enough could understand that better, as I do understand it can be so difficult to know what to say face to face. As for the "with the angels" type comments - have never had those, but I wouldn't find them particularly comforting or helpful. A (lovely) friend did say "it must be good that you're no longer seeing him suffering" or something like that, a few days after my dad had died, and I remember just feeling very sad and saying I just really missed him and just wanted to see/be with him again.

MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 22:06

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WeileWeileWaile · 26/09/2013 22:07

'never mind, its for the the best, at least thats one less Christmas present to buy'

WTF Shock - Did someone actually say that to you? I hope you told them where to go???

ABaconAndOnionTart · 26/09/2013 22:09

Those are not really examples of people 'trying to be nice'.

My grief is still recent so maybe I have a different perspective, however I too have had some nasty comments made by people who were close to the person I 'lost' but not close to me and I just don't care about their opinions. I care about me and my family and friends.

I think this thread is about people trying to be nice, not trying to be nasty.

ssd · 26/09/2013 22:12

to me, its the crass, utterly insensitive things close family said to me after mum died that keeps me awake at night , losing her was truly awful but hearing some of the things said was insult to injury

MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 22:16

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Littlegreyauditor · 26/09/2013 22:17

I think people say stupid things, yes, but I think (hope) that it comes from a good place and a desire to somehow, any how, comfort a bereaved person, however clumsily.

Grief is a terrible, burning, awful but also very personal thing. It's horrible, and words can't even touch it, so people turn to cliche in the hope that saying something close to appropriate will cover the emotions which are beyond words.

Here (Ireland ) it's a form of solidarity. We're here for you, we're sorry for your troubles, we've brought food. It is just what is done, and what has always been done. Clinging to convention in the face of desperate loss.

The "better place" idea is also meant to be a clumsy comfort to those left behind. I've heard it said by the grieving as well as the supporters. I honestly believe that no harm is meant and those who say it would be devastated to realise the upset it has caused. That doesn't undermine or negate that upset, but maybe mitigates it a little?

Mrs DeVere I'm so sorry. There are actually no words for what you have experienced and I hope you have RL people behind you and beside you Sad

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