The phrase 'sorry for your loss'

[Numberlock]

It's so trite, where did it come from? It seems a fairly recent thing.

I can't stand euphemisms at the best of times, what's wrong with saying 'Sorry to hear about xxxx'?

'Loss' sounds like you've misplaced a handbag or credit card...

I've been trying to reflect on loss/bereavement and language and the way society works because a) these are things I am interested in and b) as a woman of 54, I have experienced bereavement and loss.

It's a bit scary to realise that doing so triggers anger in others.

Perhaps as a person with a religious background 'grace' does have a particular meaning to me. It isn't - in my case the kind of faith that means people will go to Heaven/or be with Jesus. I suppose it does mean that when people I've been close to have died, I have - so far - been able to draw unexpected strength from one source or another.

I'll bow out of this thread now.

Actually cg13 that would work .

Better than trying to cheer me up .

'Its for the best really' that has to be one of the worst things I have ever heard, that poor mother

One thing I've learnt from mumsnet is that most people handle the death of somebody's child very badly indeed. I've learnt that when I've written to two bereaved sets of parents I know that I need to say 'we will remember your child' because most people will never mention that child again and it's true. I do remember, so I say as much. Nothing could possibly be more upsetting than people acting as though a child had never existed.

I think that in Christian circles there is a temptation to be very upbeat about death and that's very alienating. We lost a good friend a few years ago. Her funeral was a fantastic celebration of her faith and I know that she went home to her Father in heaven and I know that death is not the end. Does any of that make her absence easier to bear? does that mean her family did not break their hearts at losing her?

Death is part of life and as a Christian I believe that death is not the end. But none of that makes the shattering pain of a loss better. Grief hurts.

I think it's been said enough that the phrase the OP was referring to is generally used and generally well received. There are countless more awful phrases though which people clumsily and thoughtlessly use and whilst they don't mean to hurt, they DO hurt and the fault for that lies with the person saying it not the person hearing it.

If you walk away from a conversation with a bereaved person feeling you out your foot in it then you just need to breathe and move on. Don't blame them and don't eat yourself up with it. Just try and do better next time because there will be a next time and honestly who knows what to say?

Frau

Rather than being bemused by anger. I'd think you'd show a bit of humility and apologise.

MrsDeVere, I would say none of those things are acceptable. Or they wouldn't be to me. I was in fact referring to the OP, and my opinion is that criticising someone for saying "sorry for your loss" seems wrong to me. I'm reminded of the text of a SANDS leaflet which says

"It's more important to listen than to worry about saying the 'right' thing and certainly don't worry if you feel you have said the wrong thing. It is better to try to communicate and understand than not to make that attempt at all."

And just think it's a shame if the reality is that somebody who is trying their best to communicate by using a fairly innocuous phrase is being judged for their attempts.

Dh and I went to a Theme Park in New Jersey when we stayed with my cousin in NY. The bloke asked what kind of passport dh had and when he said British, the bloke burst into tears and told us how sorry he was for our loss.
. Turns out he meant Princess Di!

I have had it said to me and appreciated the sentiment, as I have felt a loss.

Some people would rather have this said than 'I am sorry about the death of X' as they struggle to hear the reminder over and over.
Some people want the name of their loved one said aloud to acknowledge them.
There is no way of knowing what kind of condolence the bereaved wants to hear, but it is safe to assume that they want to speak words of comfort.

People react in different ways to condolences so unless they say something truly thoughtless or insensitive it shows that they care, they are thinking of you and they are sorry for the loss of someone important to you.

I am thinking of all of you who have lost someone important to you on this thread.

Not sure if I've committed a MN sin, but I only responded on the basis of the OP, I didn't read the 150 odd replies. The OP asked a question, I answered. I also think its an odd state of affairs. There's no "how to" guide or rules, yet a "sorry for your loss" is still deemed to be wrong. I defy anyone to come up with the "right thing to say" in all circumstances, that will be right for every recipient. Judging people who use a standard phrase seems off to me. Clearly nobody would mean it in the same way as a wallet or purse.

If it's not acceptable to say something as neutral and comforting as 'Sorry for your loss', I'm not actually surprised people avoid getting into a situation which would require dialogue with a bereaved person.

I'm pretty worried I may have inadvertently seriously offended a bereaved person myself, I can't think of anythign else to say to someone who is bereaved but not a close friend for me to be more personal.

Exactly fuzzy. If this is the judgment people receive for saying "sorry for your loss" it's not surprising people end up not saying anything at all. But then that is "wrong" too, so it's a lose-lose situation. Like I said, there are no rules, so think people should be less judgey for at least trying with a simple "sorry for your loss".

My feelings arent hurt, I'm confused now as to the 'right; thig to say in such an instance, I'd certianly not want ot add to a bereaved persons grief.

We have a standard religious rpely in our religion which literally means 'From God we came to Him we return' but that's utterly inappropriate for a non religious person.

So what exactly is acceptable, if you're not close enough to the bereaved person to be more personal?

I really can see the logic in avoiding bereaved aquaintances going by this thread.

There isn't a 'right' thing to say.

But there is a right response when you accidentally say the wrong thing. You just accept this person is hurting and you can help by accepting that.

cg

It's not a "MN sin" but you do look a bit silly if you haven't kept up with the conversation

I think the point that I would like to make as I cant speak for every bereaved parent or person out there is just that yes I appreciate it more than you will know when you mention his name to me and when you acknowledge that my life is less because is not in it but a clumsy half arsed " he is with the angels now " or " at least you can have another one " or " I know how you feel as my boyfriend has left me " will piss me off and deserves to be moaned about . I dont care how well meaning they were !

And for the record I dont mind sorry for your loss .

I've never avoided a bereaved person, I always say 'sorry for your loss' and actually completely mean it.

This thread will definitely make me think twice tho.

I'm not upset at all.

Taken aback that a generally acceptable response when it's very hard to know what to say, could be considered offensive to the person one is trying to offer a little comfort too.

I will most certainly think about it before offering condolences to someone I am not close to.

I'd rather not add to someones sorrow.