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AIBU?

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Original poster

The phrase 'sorry for your loss'

233 replies

Numberlock · 26/09/2013 11:10

It's so trite, where did it come from? It seems a fairly recent thing.

I can't stand euphemisms at the best of times, what's wrong with saying 'Sorry to hear about xxxx'?

'Loss' sounds like you've misplaced a handbag or credit card...

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 16:09

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Arabesque · 26/09/2013 16:09

I agree FrauMoose. It's a delicate situation, and people can get very nervous about not saying the 'wrong' thing so stock phrases like 'I'm sorry for your loss' or 'I was very sorry to hear about your father' tend to be trotted out because they're safe. I don't think people's words should be overanalysed. No matter what way they're putting it they're really saying 'You poor thing. I just want to acknowledge what you're going through but I know nothing I say is really going to make it better'.

FrauMoose · 26/09/2013 16:24

Well we could have a 'No condolences by request' notification. Rather like 'No flowers.' But that would be closing the door to words that we do find more helpful

Actually some words that have not been well received immediately after a death can strike a chord rather later.

For example was once told by my mother, after I told her about the death of a close friend from cancer, that 'I should be glad she did not suffer further illness.' At the time I found that unfeeling. But now that I have witnessed the stages of advanced cancer at close hand, I think my mother had a point. Even though at the time all I wanted to do was bite her head off.

(I think I wanted her to acknowledge my grief, but she just can't deal with difficult emotion.)

Arabesque · 26/09/2013 16:37

One friend who was abroad at the time dad died sent me a text simply saying 'I'm sorry you've had so much sadness in your life lately' (Something else had happened a couple of weeks before). That was simple but lovely. Other people just said 'You've had a tough time. How are you'? You don't have to say anything eloquent or overly thought out. Just make the effort to say something and people will appreciate it.

squoosh · 26/09/2013 16:45

The baby of a man I worked with was born prematurely and only lived for a couple of weeks. Some people in work were so clearly uncomfortable with death that they didn't even acknowledge it!

Yes it can be 'uncomfortable', especially if it's someone you don't know particularly well, but I don't understand how people can act as though nothing has happened. How difficult is it to string a few cliched (but heartfelt) words together.

UtterflyButterfly · 26/09/2013 17:04

When DD1 died the only thing people said to me that offended me were those who said 'Jesus wanted her'. We are non-believers and frankly, Jesus can jolly well go himself and give her back. Apologies if this offends anyone, but really...

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 26/09/2013 17:13

Utterfly - that is awful. Even if you are religious - well Jesus has got all of f'ing eternity hasn't he? I can't see anyone that that would comfort. So insensitive.

callow · 26/09/2013 17:27

It is very difficult to do the right thing concerning death.

A few days ago I sent some 'thinking of you' flowers to a member of an organisation I belong to on behalf of the executive committee. It was discussed at a meeting that we should send them.

I saw her yesterday and the flowers were not appreciated. She made that very plainly clear to me. She only liked the ribbon.

I am very sorry that she was offended.

FrauMoose · 26/09/2013 17:29

One of the weirdest experiences I ever had was when I was a 19 year old student. I learned that the woman in the room across the corridor had witnessed one of her close friends - they were in a group of cyclists - being run over (and killed) by another student who was a drunken driver.
She and her friend were/had been active members of the Christian Union.

When I said what a terrible shock and how sorry I was to hear about it, she said, 'Oh no, God wanted it to happen. At the funeral we were all so happy.'

I could not think how to reply, so mumbled something and retreated. It was scary.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/09/2013 17:42

Some people are able to be fairly happy at a funeral depending on a lot of circumstances, but if they are I think they're mainly thinking about that person's life. As a teenager I felt fairly happy at my grandfather's funeral because he was such a lovely and happy person, and maybe I felt that was what he would have wanted. Also there was very little suffering AFAIK.

But I understand how you were left not knowing what to say Frau.

Also I think she was probably in shock to say that.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2013 17:50

I can understand you not liking it op - it doesn't matter how sorry they does it, your mum is still gone. My friend took any and all ways of expressing sympathy very badly when her dad suddenly died a few years ago. Like you she felt what people were saying was either v insensitive or trite.

But people do have to say something and I think "sorry for you loss" is a more acceptable and less likely to offend thing to say than many others.

"They're in a better place now" is one I don't like. No, the better place would be here, with them being well ffs.

I tend to just say "I'm so sorry"

Isabelonatricycle · 26/09/2013 17:50

I'm on the fence on "Sorry for your loss" - I've always felt it is better to say the name of the person who has died (have a rather strong dislike for "passed away") but I won't object to SFYL - unlike some of the other things on here. I am religious, but won't dream of saying something like "Jesus wanted her too much" or things like that Shock

However, this thread has made me paranoid now. A friend has recently given birth to a stillborn daughter and I wrote to her, because bereavements shouldn't be ignored, but I didn't think we are close enough friends for me to visit/phone this soon afterwards. I wrote something along the lines of:

Dear X, I am so very sorry to hear about Y. I will hold you and your husband in my prayers.
Isabel

(I know her partly through church, otherwise would have used thoughts rather than prayers)

Is that appropriate or have I committed a huge faux pas? If the person who has died is old (or even young, but has lived some life) then I might say something about them eg I always loved to hear his stories/ she was always so helpful to me etc, but you can't really do that in this case. Thoughts please?

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2013 17:50

*they are not they does it Hmm

TheYamiOfYawn · 26/09/2013 17:54

I'm Irish, so it is a standard appropriate phrase to me, like "happy birthday" or "congratulations". One of the things I like about it is that it doesn't make assumptions about the relationship the bereaved person had with the person who died or the way that they are feeling or expressi.g their grief. You can say it to someone who has list an abusive parent or the love of their life, and the slight cliche kind of feels as though you have a community there in the background thinking of you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2013 17:56

Isabel

I don't think you've done anything wrong there. Plus you carefully considered the most appropriate way to send you condolences (by post not in person) based on your friendship. I think that would be appreciated.

diddl · 26/09/2013 17:58

I'm afraid I associate it with police dramas, so it seems formal to me & as if the person saying it didn't know the deceased.

squoosh · 26/09/2013 18:00

Isabel very few people would object to being thought of in someone else's prayers, whether they're a believer or not. I think your wording was very apt.

FrauMoose · 26/09/2013 18:07

I think one of the problems is that we've all got so individualised. (This is what I believe. This is what I think is right. If you talk to me in a way that I don't think is right I will feel disrespected. If you make some gesture that I feel is unnecessary/inappropriate I shall act as if I have been insulted.)

Whereas, I think, mourning rituals were more widely shared and understood in earlier communities.

Personally I'd hope that even when staggering under grief, I would hope to have enough grace to appreciate kindly intended words and deeds - and to say than you. I think most people do have that grace. (And perhaps those who seem to lack it, are just struggling, and will appreciate the worth of such gestures later on when the fuss has died down and they are just being left to cope as best they can.)

MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 18:11

This reply has been deleted

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LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti · 26/09/2013 18:17

I would hope most people have the grace to realize that when someone has been bereaved, they may respond in all sorts of upset ways and the least anyone else can do is to let them do that without judging.

Towanda · 26/09/2013 18:29

I'd rather people had just said I'm sorry for your loss when dd1 died just after birth than 'it was for the best' or 'she's in a better place' or 'you can have others' or 'hope you're back to your old self soon'.

I much prefer seeing it written on facebook than 'RIP' which I despise. I tend to use that or I'm sorry for the loss of X - some people don't like to use died or dead and a more gentle phrase is better, imo.

travellingwilbury · 26/09/2013 18:32

Do uou know something b?

I fucking wish I hadnt acted with grace sometimes . I really wish that I had shouted and screamed morev, that I had told people exactly how hurtfil they had been by crossing the road and ignoring me for two or three years .
I wish I had walked away from really painful situations
.
But I didn't wantbyo upset anyone , I didnt want anyone to judge me as being not a good enough griever . This is what most of us do , this is my everyday normal . Even nearly 12 yrs on I am careful to jot ipset others so is it really too much to expect a little thought from others .

farewellfarewell · 26/09/2013 18:33

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travellingwilbury · 26/09/2013 18:34

That is actually notwritten by a stray spider honest .Stupid bloody phone !

cg13 · 26/09/2013 18:39

Criticising someone for trying to come up with some heartfelt words at a time when nothing is really the right thing to say is just as thoughtless. What else do you expect someone to say.... Sorry X died? FFS.