The phrase 'sorry for your loss'

[Numberlock]

It's so trite, where did it come from? It seems a fairly recent thing.

I can't stand euphemisms at the best of times, what's wrong with saying 'Sorry to hear about xxxx'?

'Loss' sounds like you've misplaced a handbag or credit card...

[Arabesque]

That's not what I'm saying MrsDeVere.

I'm saying often people who say something like that genuinely think they're saying the right thing and that a bereaved person might take comfort from knowing their loved one is in Heaven. I'm not saying it's always an appropriate thing to say, but it is meant very genuinely by the people who say it. They may have different beliefs or be from a different culture or generation from you and are saying to you what they would like to hear if they were in the same circumstances.
You may, without realising it, have said the 'wrong' thing to someone who's been bereaved, we all may have but none of us intended to.

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

But Arabesque, it's one thing saying that to someone who perhaps has had a very elderly relative die (even then I'd be a bit ), but otherwise can you not see what an inappropriate phrase it is? My friends' 5yo DS died this year - how could they possibly think he is in a better place FFS? That is, for me, the one phrase that is always better left unsaid, however well-meaning it might be.

[lainiekazan]

Agree, Arabesque.

I cringe when I think of saying to people quite cheerfully, "Are you having another?" if they had one child. Then I experienced infertility and that question posed to me was like a red=hot knife between the ribs. People put their foot in it all the time but unless someone is being catty or downright rude then you have to take it on the chin.

I don't like "Sorry for your loss." It might have been all right a few years ago, but now it's trotted out so often it has become thoroughly empty of any personal sentiment.

[ladymariner]

I used to tie myself in knots of agony wondering what to say to recently bereaved people. When my own father died last year I realised that I actually didn't care what people said as long as they said something. The worst thing you can do is just ignore the fact that someone has recently lost a loved one and I think overanalysing how people express their sympathy can make some people nervous of saying anything in case they said the 'wrong' thing.


this totally.

I lost my darling Dad earlier this month, I am absolutely devastated and the fact that people have been so kind and taken the trouble to say anything at all has made a terrible time that bit easier.

[Bowlersarm]

MrsDV ....in a way I think you have illustrated that i think ''sorry for your loss' , which is purely expressing sympathy, is quite a nice thing to say, actually. It's simple. It's not ignoring what's happened. It's not saying 'I know how you feel', when you clearly don't. It's not 'she's in a better place' which is no comfort at all if you aren't religious.

I thought, until this thread, it was a perfectly kind way of expressing condolences.

[squoosh]

I don't think I've ever actually heard someone say 'they're in a better place'. I'd hope that even the most unperceptive of people would realise that wouldn't be something those grieving would appreciate. I suppose it would only be appropriate if talking about an elderly person who'd had a long period of illness.

[Arabesque]

Avon I think it's inappropriate and wouldn't say it. I'm saying the people who do say it aren't saying it to be hurtful, they're saying it in a misguided but genuine attempt to be comforting.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

'In a better place' is offensively awful, unless you know for absolute sure that that is the way the bereaved person sees it, too. Otherwise, it is foisting something YOU BELIEVE onto someone at an incredibly inappropriate time.

Loss, trouble, death... pretty much everything else, I think, would be taken as it was meant - and some would work better than others in certain situations. If a colleague lost her mum who I didn't know, I'd probably say sorry for your loss.... if a friend lost a husband I did know, I'd say 'I'm so sorry about X' or something. Think I've written in a card that I was 'so very sorry to hear about X's death', actually. All those have their place, but 'better place' does not.

[Scuttlebutter]

Another one here who thinks it is fine. I was at my friend's funeral last week, and although I know her DH, I didn't know her large extended family, who were waiting to receive mourners after the service in the line-up. I used this comment a lot - it's brief, to the point, says what I was feeling, and in a state when I was simply not up to crafting eloquent and original thoughts.

Sadly, it's the latest in a string of bereavements over the past couple of years and like others, the kindness of simply having the grief acknowledged by people, whether by card, letter, phone etc. is almost indescribable. I will continue to use it.

[Arabesque]

Squoosh When my cousin's 2 year old died some people said 'you've got a little Angel in Heaven now'. Her understandable attitude was 'I don't want an angel in Heaven, I want my little girl here with me'.
I don't think she felt angry with the people who said it, she just wished they hadn't. Again, I think it was mainly older people who said that, maybe from a generation where losing children at a young age happened more frequently and this was a common phrase at that time or something.

[bragmatic]

Loss works for me. It's the closest thing that explains the feeling of something being wrong with the universe...something missing...something just not. quite. right anymore.

Loss doesn't mean you forget where you put them for goodness sake. People don't forget where they put their virginity, or their job, but they can lose those things, too. It's words. People are trying to acknowledge that they know you feel bereft and that they're sorry for that. So it works for me.

'Better place', not so much. Keep that to yourself. Unless you're talking about the very old and sick/frail. Maybe.

[Habbibu]

The worst I got when dd1 died was "everything happens for a reason". I was too shocked to do anything. I may even have smiled weakly.

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Apologies for lumping you in with someone who may say that Arabesque. I read that wrong. We are going to have to disagree, though, as while I'm sure people aren't saying it to be hurtful, I think you'd have to be pretty non-functiioning on the empathy scale to think it was an appropriate thing to say.

[Habbibu]

I like "sorry for your loss". I didn't want to hear the words "your baby died" over and over.

[ladymariner]

I got " even though you expect it it's still a shock" written in a card to me!!
Actually, we didn't fucking expect it, should we have done just because he was old and ill? Should we have been grateful? I ripped that card up.

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Habbibu

[squoosh]

Arabesque I hate all that 'angel in heaven' stuff, it's as though people are trying to Disney-fy death. I'm sure it comes from a good place but it just isn't appropriate, unless it comes from the parents themselves.

[Arabesque]

No worries Avon. I suppose I'm used to hearing that phrase from older people here in Ireland. It is usually said in relation to an elderly person who had been suffering from a long illness. 'It's a merciful release' is another phrase used. I would never say that to someone who had been bereaved but I might say it about a death if I was chatting to my mother about someone who had been sick and in pain with no hope of recovery.

[Beeyump]

Personally, I don't see what's so wrong with that ladymariner

[squoosh]

To be honest ladymariner I can see why the person wrote 'even though you expect it it's still a shock' in their card to you. When an elderly person dies after an illness most people offering their condolences presume that you've been steeling yourselves for their death.

Of course you have every right to feel about it whichever way you feel, but I personally don't think it was a crass thing for them to write.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

It's so hard to know what to say isn't it ?
There are no words
But listening to those who've been bereaved I'm encouraged to say something.
I think mentioning the person by name is especially appreciated.
But otherwise saying this can be some comfort too -
especially with a hug ?

[Teapigging]

I was just thinking about this again, and decided that what i like about the phrase 'I'm sorry for your loss' is that it's neutral, while sympathetic.

It doesn't interpret your loss or try to minimise it ('she's in a better place', 'you'll have other babies', 'he's looking down on us now/reunited with your grandad' etc), or explain it away as some higher being's will ('God takes the good young').

I'm not denying for a moment that these approaches are comforting to some people, but they aren't for everyone.

[FrauMoose]

Perhaps it is unrealistic/unreasonable to think that everyone will be able to speak the 'right' words after a death. In everyday life, we disagree with our friends and family and colleagues on many points. It would be nice to think that in a crisis we'd manage to transcend those differences. And perhaps at sometimes there can be a new closeness to those who have suffered similar bereavements. But I guess the sad truth is that others who mourn cannot/will not be comforted.