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AIBU?

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Original poster

The phrase 'sorry for your loss'

233 replies

Numberlock · 26/09/2013 11:10

It's so trite, where did it come from? It seems a fairly recent thing.

I can't stand euphemisms at the best of times, what's wrong with saying 'Sorry to hear about xxxx'?

'Loss' sounds like you've misplaced a handbag or credit card...

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 26/09/2013 12:45

MrsD I think you're doing very well not to deck someone who says something like that to you. Never mind worrying about their feelings.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/09/2013 12:47

To close friends I would hug them say something meaningful and comforting because I know what would be comforting to the due to our close relationship.

However to a person I am not so close with, I have said 'I am so very sorry for your loss'. What would you people rather said on hearing news of a death of someone close to you?

Arabesque · 26/09/2013 13:02

I used to tie myself in knots of agony wondering what to say to recently bereaved people. When my own father died last year I realised that I actually didn't care what people said as long as they said something. The worst thing you can do is just ignore the fact that someone has recently lost a loved one and I think overanalysing how people express their sympathy can make some people nervous of saying anything in case they said the 'wrong' thing. In fact, I remember my cousin saying to me 'sorry I don't think I'm saying the right things' and I said 'you're fine. There is no 'right' thing to say'. I just appreciated the fact that she'd rung from abroad to say anything at all to me.

CrabbyBigBottom · 26/09/2013 13:02

I don't think "loss" euphemises "death". I think it draws attention to the speaker's primary concern, when that is with the bereaved person's loss rather than with the death itself. The person who has died might be unknown to the speaker. It might be simply untruthful for them to say that they feel sad/sorry about that death more than any other death on the same day. But they care about the person they are speaking to, they care about that person's sadness and their loss of a loved one, and they state that concern truthfully. It is sincere, unhypocritical in that it locates their concern accurately.

This ^
When my dad died I couldn't have given a flying fuck how someone expressed their condolences. It was the feeling behind it that mattered.

I don't like the 'they're in a better place now', even though I'm sure that for people who believe in the concept of heaven, it's intended to be a comforting and kind thing to say.

number I'm sorry to hear of the death of your loved one. Is that better? Confused

puppy so sorry for the loss of your mum. Flowers

echt · 26/09/2013 13:03

I don't see how how "sorry to hear about xx" is any less euphemistic than "sorry to hear about your loss".

It's all sad and people are doing their best.

U

echt · 26/09/2013 13:06

What crabbybigbottom said in the bold part of her post.

nennypops · 26/09/2013 13:09

I think what I dislike about it is the use of "for" rather than "about". To be sorry for someone is to pity them, which sounds incredibly patronising. So far as I am concerned, when I hear that someone's relative has died, I am sorry about it, I'm not sorry for it.

zatyaballerina · 26/09/2013 13:10

yabu, it's important to acknowledge the loss of the bereaved, when you've lost someone you love you're not concerned about the originality of peoples sympathetic comments to you.

Littlegreyauditor · 26/09/2013 13:11

Sorry for your loss comes from Sorry for your Trouble, which as far as I know is a translation from the Irish...so it's our fault, not the Americans Sad

Sorry.

soimpressed · 26/09/2013 13:13

When my Dad died I was always comforted by people saying this but that was because so many people said nothing (including most of my colleagues).

Arabesque · 26/09/2013 13:14

Seriously Nennypops, I doubt the bereaved person is analysing every word for grammatical correctness.

wigglesrock · 26/09/2013 13:16

I know I say sorry for your loss, I think it encompasses more than the death of a loved one, obviously I'm sorry for the death, but also for the pain and unfairness and for the loss of the future someone thought they would have with the person that has died.

My mil says sorry for your trouble, my granny tends to go with "sorry for your pain", we are in NI.

Viviennemary · 26/09/2013 13:22

I thought it was just me that didn't like the phrase. YANBU. On the other hand it's a fairly new phrase so I'm not very comfortable with it. If somebody said it to me I certainly wouldn't be offended but I just don't like it.

skylerwhite · 26/09/2013 13:24

Sorry for your trouble is the older phrase used in Ireland. I rather like its awkward, distant sympathy. And the equally awkward response is thank you.

squoosh · 26/09/2013 13:25

I always say 'I'm sorry for your trouble' I think most Irish people do and always have done, so no, not an Americanism. I have to say I fail to see what is trite about telling someone you're 'sorry for their loss'. It's not airy-fairy, its sentiment is pretty explicit. Anyway, the main thing is to express sympathy, do the exact words matter? Hmm

Also why the constant terror that people may be using an Americanism? I can guarantee you already use plenty of them.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 26/09/2013 13:26

I got a 'sorry for your loss' card from the vets when they had to put one of my guinea pigs down. I was most bemused!

OhYouBadBadKitten · 26/09/2013 13:27

I am sorry about your Mum though Numberlock.

squoosh · 26/09/2013 13:28

OP I'm pretty sure the phrase 'dumbing down' that you used would be classified as an Americanism. How will you cope??

AvonCallingBarksdale · 26/09/2013 13:39

What a sad thread Sad
Personally I don't use the phrase, but I appreciate that it is well-used and can be very comforting. My only issue is the potential for confusion for children. I remember when FiL died my friend told her DC that my DC had "lost" their grandad as she didn't want to talk to her kids about death. Therefore, her youngest DC thought that my FIL was lost, wandering the streets somewhere Confused. FIL would have found that heartily amusing Smile
So, as a term of condolence, I think it's totally appropriate, but perhaps not as a euphemism for someone having died IYSWIM.

tarantula · 26/09/2013 13:39

The standard phrase in Irish is 'ní maith liom do thrioblóid/do bhrón'. lit. translation is 'I don't like your trouble/loss' which doesn't actually translate very well but means the same thing as 'I'm sorry for/about your trouble/loss'. The lack of standard grammar re for/about is probably due to this. The use of the words loss/trouble is also due in part to our love of understatement.

HighJinx · 26/09/2013 13:42

TBH with the amount of threads there are on MN saying how people hate this phrase or that phrase it seems that every time you say anything you run the risk of irritating someone.

Arabesque · 26/09/2013 13:47

That's my worry HighJinx. People will read a thread like this and be afraid to say anything the next time they meet a neighbour or colleague who has been bereaved, for fear of saying the 'wrong' thing and upsetting or annoying that person.

Even if people say something you don't like such as 'she's in a better place' they don't mean it in an upsetting way. They genuinely think they're saying something nice and are just anxious to acknowledge the death and be kind and supportive. Don't be too hard on them. People aren't mind readers.

tobiasfunke · 26/09/2013 13:50

I'm from Northern ireland and where I come from people say "I'm sorry for your trouble". When my Dad died and I was standing beside his grave with a longline of people all telling me they were sorry for my trouble it was actually quite reassuring - like people had been saying the same thing for hundreds of years.

maillotjaune · 26/09/2013 13:52

I think it's a very appropriate thing to day - if my friend is bereaved and I don't know the relative who died then what I'm sorry for is my friend's loss.

I have heard it all my life in an Irish/Scottish family, but I've also heard very English friends use it. I would prefer to say something than pretend a death hasn't happened.

maillotjaune · 26/09/2013 13:55

Sorry about you mum, NumberlockThanks