The phrase 'sorry for your loss'

[Numberlock]

It's so trite, where did it come from? It seems a fairly recent thing.

I can't stand euphemisms at the best of times, what's wrong with saying 'Sorry to hear about xxxx'?

'Loss' sounds like you've misplaced a handbag or credit card...

[MerryMarigold]

The nicest thing anyone did for me, when someone I loved very much died suddenly, was to put their hand on my arm, look me in the eye and say, "I'm so sorry." That was all. I think the touch and eye contact was great too.

[AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters]

I can understand that, in the depths of grief, 'loss' can make it sound like a misplaced sock.

But people are trying to find something to say that expresses sympathy without completely blundering in. Saying "I am really sorry to hear that your husband died" can feel rather blunt and unfeeling. I realise that, if you have suffered a bereavement, it is with you all the time and nothing can make it more 'there', but many people do struggle with even saying the word 'died' themselves, so it can feel rude to blunder in with it.

I do often say "I was so sorry to hear about Chris" or whatever as an alternative.

[FreudiansSlipper]

sometimes no words are right :(

[AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters]

Sorry, cross post. Sorry to hear about your mum OP.

[FrauMoose]

I rather like, 'I wish you long life' - though it's not widely used outside the Jewish community.

[http://news.reformjudaism.org.uk/assembly-of-rabbis/why-do-we-say-i-wish-you-long-life.html]

[PostBellumBugsy]

Sorry to hear about your mum Numberlock.

[hiddenhome]

When my first dh died I'd rather have heard "sorry for your loss" than some of the shit people came out with. Those comments, and avoiding me out of embarrassment, just added to the anguish

[mrsfuzzy]

's/he's in a better place' what the hell is that all about ?? sounds like this life was such crap that it's good to leave it, how sad for the family and friends left behind. if someone has suffered a serious illness then death is a release but even so there is no proof of a 'better place'.

[northernlurker]

Op - you must be feeling very raw just now. I know when we lost somebody close (because it was a loss to our family, he died and we all lost something we had before) I felt like a snail without a shell. Very, very vulnerable. May I suggest therefore that you avoid AIBU for a bit? There are some very robust posts on this thread, made when people had no idea of the very personal application this had and I suspect it could just be hurtful to you rather than constructive. I am speaking from experience. We're not as tough as we think we are.
I hope you have some support in your bereavement.

[StillSeekingSpike]

Better than
'I know how you feel'
'At least you won't see her get old'
'Have you thought of suing the hospital?'
' Oh that's a shame- I'm no holiday next week and can't make the funeral'

[RevoltingPeasant]

So seriously, what are you supposed to say if you are approaching someone you don't know well?

Fairly often, I have to send emails saying things like 'I'm sorry for your recent bereavement. Please accept my condolences. Of course we will excuse you from lectures for the next few weeks, but in order to get an extension on your coursework......'

In that kind of situation a phrase like 'I was sorry to hear of your loss' is fine. It is a bit impersonal but you may be talking to someone you don't know well. It's just polite.

What else are you supposed to say? 'Someone told me your father is dead, that's a shame. Anyhow, you'll need a death certificate or hospital notes to claim leave......'

???

Also think it's incredibly rude to stigmatise certain things as 'American'. Can you imagine somebody saying that about any other nationality? 'God, it's so crass, so Chinese, I can't stand it'.

[Tee2072]

I think, really, people don't know what to say. So they say that. Because they are sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

[Bowlersarm]

Good post northern

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP - xpost - I am sorry to hear about your mum.

[northernlurker]

Stillseeking - I've read about 'at least you won't see her get old' being said about a young child. Unbelievable!

[ButThereAgain]

I don't think "loss" euphemises "death". I think it draws attention to the speaker's primary concern, when that is with the bereaved person's loss rather than with the death itself. The person who has died might be unknown to the speaker. It might be simply untruthful for them to say that they feel sad/sorry about that death more than any other death on the same day. But they care about the person they are speaking to, they care about that person's sadness and their loss of a loved one, and they state that concern truthfully. It is sincere, unhypocritical in that it locates their concern accurately.

[Numberlock]

I can handle the comments, I started a new thread so as not to hijack the other one where I originally mentioned it.

[shoofly]

I'm from a rural area in Northern Ireland and it's very common at times of bereavement. To me it expresses perfectly that you are sympathetic and wishing to express it without being gushy and over familiar. I stood in a graveyard for over an hour having my hand shaken by many well meaning people after my father died.

I found it immensely comforting - many people went on to tell me lovely stories about my Dad, but that phrase and the other Ulster standard "I'm sorry for your trouble"came up a lot. They were immensely better than the people who crossed the street to avoid my Mum because they didn't know what to say. They were also better than the "I know what you're going through", which I really don't like.

[boschy]

teapigging explains it beautifully on page one of this thread.

I certainly found it helpful at my father's funeral in Ireland, when I was 34 wks pregnant with DD1.

sorry to everyone who is grieving on this thread.

[FrauMoose]

While we all have private niggles about phrases that are part of common currency, I'd suggest that some kind of displacement activity is going on here. Anger is one of the emotions that people feel after somebody has died, though it is one of the less commonly acknowledged emotions.

I would offer some kind of brief form of condolence to Numberlock - but as I'm not sure which phrases are/aren't acceptable - she will have to take the form for the deed.

(In retrospect it's clear to me that I was so angry with the behaviour of my brothers and my mother, before and after my father died that I simply couldn't have cared less about other people's chosen forms of expression.)

[mrsfuzzy]

how are you numberlock? this must be a difficult time for you but i guess doing this thread is a help to you.

[Nancy66]

I think it's fine.

the person is thinking of you. That alone is a comfort.

It's awkward, people get tongue-tied but it's so much better than saying nothing at all.

[mrsfuzzy]

condolences also to you puppy at this very sad time.