To just not do any more for my mother!! :(

[LEMisdisappointed]

My mother is difficult to say the very least - 76, so well, i guess you have to forgive a bit, but i just don't know what more i am supposed to do.

She hasn't been well this past week - hurt her back, bad stomach and generally having a pants time of it. I think i have done my best to help - have been taking her dog out for walks for her, taking meals round (she can't cook for herself because apparently her sister has been tampering with her cooker - all the way from australia, thats a whole other thread right there!), getting stuff from the shops, going to the doctors with her - saturday night was there having called ambulance and agreed to stay with her etc until pain killers kicked in.

All pretty reasonable, of course, im shattered as have had to do my own stuff with DD as well. But still, she's my mum isn't she.

But have i had one word of thanks??? No, I have had - comments along the line of when i phoned to say, did you see i got the shopping you wanted, x is in the fridge, y is in the cupboard etc - "yeah i saw, but you didnt get the cat biscuits" Fast forward tonight - had taken her dog for a really long walk (no problem, i have two dogs, so he tagged along - still, knackering though, hes a big strong dog and hard work) she wanted stuff from tesco - nothing urgent - toilet tissue, lottery tickets and cigarettes. The trouble is - i took too long, picked DD up from school and had to take her to visit a new activity she wants to do - thought we could go to tesco when that was done, forgetting of course that it would be too late for the lottery tickets.

Gets out to find four missed calls on my phone - ring her - "where have you been, ive been round your house three times, i can't stay like thiss, im going to the hospital now, im going on the bus" hangs up. So i get her shopping, by now im really stressed out (i suffer from anxiety) end up fallingout with DP because im so stressed - I couldnt make the self scan thing weigh the bananas FFS, i was flustered and wanting to get round to my mums as quick as a i could. Get there to find her hobbling down the road from the bus stop.

She isn't happy because the doctor has prescribed diazepam and she doesn't want to take drugs like mental people (her words not mine, i have been on diazepam for anxiety, she knows this) I tried to explain it was a low dose and being used as a muscle relaxant to help her become more mobile etc - but no, and its all not good enough because her back has been like it 8 days. Made worse because I took too long to take the dog out on saturday and she took him herself, he saw me walking to her house and pulled her. So, my fault. She really should have waited for me, but instead of jumping, i waited for DD and DP so we could all take the dogs out together. .

The last call she made to me tonight was to ask why i hadn't got the lottery tickets - i explained that i forgot due to taking DD to activity and it taking longer than i expected. She then said "well its probably best if I don't ask you to do anything for me then, you can't even do that for me" She knows i can't let her do that as she cannot manage on her own. I am all she has so just have to take all the shit she dishes out - she drove my dad mad, he died with alzheimers and didn't even know me. She made his life hell really. Now its my turn. Apparently i don't believe her back is tht bad - well no, if she can walk then its not that bad - sorry but it doesn't warrant A&E. We offered to take her anyway.

So now have had massive row with DP and DD upset - I just don't know what to do anymore.

I ended up at the hospital yesterday - am really quite angry on my mums behalf this time!! She was there ALL day, and she really was in agony - and all she had for painkillers was the paracetemol that she had taken herself in the morning X-rays that showed "changes" in the spine - err, yeah, she has a broken back, but they should know that because it was picked up in a CT scan that she had for something else last year. Old injury, that may or may not be the source of the pain, the pain probably is due to muscular injury. She had been waiting for a CT scan when i got there - i told them that they had performed a CT scan last year - the look on the doctors face was a picture! I was when i asked what pain relief she had been given - nothing FFS!! She finally saw a osteo guy who said that she could be discharged and that she should be referred to the spinal specialist and i should chase that up. They STILL hadn't given her any pain. She had initially refused the diazepam but i persuaded her to take them - turned out she had taken them at home at DOUBLE the dose but to be fair its such a low dose she could have swallowed the whole packet and not had too much effects. She had said that she reacted badly to morphine once - but wasn't sure. I have no recell of this but of course they didn't give that. They wanted to give tramadol but seemed to not be able to come to a consensus.

It was only when i said to them "if you don't give her some fucking pain relief I am not taking her home" that they seemed to galvinise and within minutes a nurse was there with some tramadol. The doctor prescribed some and I took her home.

Very mixed feelings today if i'm honest. She had told my aunt a load of lies that i wouldn't take her to the shop etc (my aunt knows this isn't true) So im feeling resentful, but i have to get past this - she is my mother and I can't leave her in pain. Im begining to feel let down and unsupported by the doctor actually. The A&E doctor said she will need a spinal referral and some sort of referral to the community pain releif team.

I told them i was worried about her mental health, explained the situation but was made to feel like a kid telling tales - just not interested.

I can't step away from my mum, i just have to grow a pair and stand up to her, for her own good.

I think if you call her out on the liés she's told your Aunt and put it to her straight that she NEEDS your help, but you DON'T need the aggro of her lying, abusing you and terrorising you.

Tell her that if she forces you to choose between your happiness and her tyranny, that you will have no hesitation in pushing all out for SS to take over from you, and given that your aunt knows everything she's said is a pile of BS, that they'll understand your wanting to back off.

Be tough. Be hard! You've got FA to lose have you?

"she is my mother and I can't leave her in pain"
You are not leaving her in pain - she is manipulating the situation to be in pain so that she can play the martyr and make you feel bad. Making you feel bad is more important to her that taking pain relief.

Had she only taken paracetemol or had she taken diazapam too? I'm not clear on that point.

"She had been waiting for a CT scan when i got there - i told them that they had performed a CT scan last year - the look on the doctors face was a picture!"
Your mother was perfectly capable of telling the hospital about that scan - she chose not to. She also chose to say something that meant they wouldn't give her morphine.

Sorry, but I think your anger should still be directed at her; her choices have made you direct it away from her and towards the hospital. IMO she is manipulating you again .

And pay attention to the fact that your aunt KNEW she was lying - please, stop fearing being thought badly of. No-one thinks badly of you.

I can understand why you are angry with the doctors to a degree, but I think it is misplaced.

Your mother is a liar, and she lied to the doctors at the hospital. The situation there was largely of her own making, and probably to a major extent engineered to get you back into line running after her and fighting her corner. And it worked. Please think about this.

Keep in close communication with your aunt, it seems she at least will shoulder some of the burden and knows the truth if how much you have been doing.
I agree with the others that she needs to know that you know that she tells lies about you and your aunt needs to dispute it too when the she knows that your mum is telling lies.
She is doing nothing to help herself but clearly can when you step back to make a plan for each day or week of what you're going to do eg walk the dog and stick to it, do not get drawn into further dramas or crises!
It sounds cruel but you're not leaving her there in pain, she is in pain regardless of whether she's got you running around or not, the pain is a different issue and problem but she needs to be honest with doctors, do as she's told and take what's prescribed to help her. It is another example of what she could do to help herself but chooses to use as a stick to beat you with.
Make yourself and your dh and child(ten) your priority.

Thankyou everyone you are very wise. It is starting to take its toll on me and dp and I have stepped back today. I told her she needs to call the doctors and organise stuff she can't be bothered!!! Am bysy trying to catch up with my own housework now

"That's YOUR choice, Mother"

Repeat as required.

She's doing this to manipulate you to right wear she wants you, within kicking distance.

I'm with you OP.

I hope things improve for you both.

You must leave her to it, for your sanity! Ifsshe is so toxic I would let her get on with it. Sorry but you're too soft . Good luck