To just not do any more for my mother!! :(

[LEMisdisappointed]

My mother is difficult to say the very least - 76, so well, i guess you have to forgive a bit, but i just don't know what more i am supposed to do.

She hasn't been well this past week - hurt her back, bad stomach and generally having a pants time of it. I think i have done my best to help - have been taking her dog out for walks for her, taking meals round (she can't cook for herself because apparently her sister has been tampering with her cooker - all the way from australia, thats a whole other thread right there!), getting stuff from the shops, going to the doctors with her - saturday night was there having called ambulance and agreed to stay with her etc until pain killers kicked in.

All pretty reasonable, of course, im shattered as have had to do my own stuff with DD as well. But still, she's my mum isn't she.

But have i had one word of thanks??? No, I have had - comments along the line of when i phoned to say, did you see i got the shopping you wanted, x is in the fridge, y is in the cupboard etc - "yeah i saw, but you didnt get the cat biscuits" Fast forward tonight - had taken her dog for a really long walk (no problem, i have two dogs, so he tagged along - still, knackering though, hes a big strong dog and hard work) she wanted stuff from tesco - nothing urgent - toilet tissue, lottery tickets and cigarettes. The trouble is - i took too long, picked DD up from school and had to take her to visit a new activity she wants to do - thought we could go to tesco when that was done, forgetting of course that it would be too late for the lottery tickets.

Gets out to find four missed calls on my phone - ring her - "where have you been, ive been round your house three times, i can't stay like thiss, im going to the hospital now, im going on the bus" hangs up. So i get her shopping, by now im really stressed out (i suffer from anxiety) end up fallingout with DP because im so stressed - I couldnt make the self scan thing weigh the bananas FFS, i was flustered and wanting to get round to my mums as quick as a i could. Get there to find her hobbling down the road from the bus stop.

She isn't happy because the doctor has prescribed diazepam and she doesn't want to take drugs like mental people (her words not mine, i have been on diazepam for anxiety, she knows this) I tried to explain it was a low dose and being used as a muscle relaxant to help her become more mobile etc - but no, and its all not good enough because her back has been like it 8 days. Made worse because I took too long to take the dog out on saturday and she took him herself, he saw me walking to her house and pulled her. So, my fault. She really should have waited for me, but instead of jumping, i waited for DD and DP so we could all take the dogs out together. .

The last call she made to me tonight was to ask why i hadn't got the lottery tickets - i explained that i forgot due to taking DD to activity and it taking longer than i expected. She then said "well its probably best if I don't ask you to do anything for me then, you can't even do that for me" She knows i can't let her do that as she cannot manage on her own. I am all she has so just have to take all the shit she dishes out - she drove my dad mad, he died with alzheimers and didn't even know me. She made his life hell really. Now its my turn. Apparently i don't believe her back is tht bad - well no, if she can walk then its not that bad - sorry but it doesn't warrant A&E. We offered to take her anyway.

So now have had massive row with DP and DD upset - I just don't know what to do anymore.

'your family's sake'

Jelly speaks very good sense.

You must consider everyone else (yourself included) as well as her.

&

87?

That's what I thought?

The OP says 76.

Can you take the dog to your place and not see her for a couple of days?
Assuming that DP feels that you are being abused by your mother and that's the reason for the row, can you tell him that you need help to reset your relationship with her. If he can check in on her once a day for the next two days it should give her a wake up call.

She is 77 actually :)

I haven't heard from the doctor but now my mum has taken against her i don't know what to do. I can't leave her sat in her home hardly unable to move but i just can't cope with the mind games. I hardly know what to say to the doctor, but i can't do this anymore i feel so bad but i just can't. I lay in bed last night practically hyperventilating dreading what would happen when i took the dog out.

I thought, OK, take the dog, don't engage but i get the whole "please sit down i need to talk to you, i need help" I offered help, made suggestions but nothing, then she played the "i dont want DP he hung up on me the other night and thats the last thing he should have done" (the amount of times that poor sod has dropped everything at work etc to take her to the doctors etc - its not even his mother FFS). So I ask her what she wants me to do - she says nothing, so why sit me down and tell me this??? To make me feel like shit, thats what - and i do feel like shit, when i left she was crying but what can i do?

The other night she was putting her fist up to my face she was so enraged

You can stop.

Just stop all contact. Obviously tell her you won't be over (put a time limit on it if you must). But tell her she will have to get on with it.

She will not starve. She will not fade away. She is a bolshy woman who will get on with it. She might well wail and moan to start with but she will get the message.

I do think she has some mental health issues but, as she won't let you help in that respect, she is going to have to help herself.

oscar - i can't take the dog, he is a huge german shepherd type and he bites, i just couldn't risk it with DD. I am pretty much the only one who can handle him. He isn't aggressive, but hes a wuss so if someone touches his back or pulls his hair by accident etc, he snaps

"I can't leave her sat in her home hardly unable to move "

Yes you can, and I suggest you do. Stop enabling her toxic behaviour!
She wont starve. She wont die.

So if you know she makes you feel bad and is doing it on purpose why are you still going round????

Sorry to sound really really harsh (but sometimes a kick up the bottom is what is needed) - I know coming on here is cathartic but everyone is giving you the same advice and you are STILL going round and then coming on here saying how ill she makes you.

Take control of yourself. Make a decision on what you are going to do i.e either except that is how your relationship is always going to be and she will just be nastier and nastier to you and make your life a misery OR stop going round for a few days so you can gather your thoughts and decide what to do in the future.

I know I am sounding harsh but I had a similar thing happen with a different relative and it took someone to be straight with me as they were sick of me moaning and not changing anything when I had the power to do so.

You are not harsh, but i am worried about the dog :(

You can't look after her if you are hospitalised......

You are using the dog as an excuse. Find her a professional dog walker.

She's going to outlive you at this rate.

Seriously the moment she realises you are not dancing to her horrible tune any more she will get herself sorted out. Toxic people are like cockroaches, they survive everything.

So i spoke to the doctor - who prescribed some sleeping tablets, for me! Still adamant that there is little she can discuss with me and that she should be encouraged to go back to the doctors, it doesn't have to be her, if she is still in pain. The doctor told me i need to step back if she is being abusive and that is what i am going to do. She is a grown woman, if she is in that much pain she can phone the fucking doctor herself or get a cab to the hospital.

Funnily enough she has just called, nice as pie to ask me about flea medication for the dog and cat I said i would go round and put it on them tomorrow, im not moving off this sofa tonight

hugs. I am going through the same with my mum but she has also found Jesus. Sounds funny but it seriously isnt.
I understand the guilt as you try and set boundaries though. my siblings have cleared off to foreign countries leaving me to deal with a rude, erratic, demanding old lady all by myself. So sisterly hugs from me.

Thanks twisty - Im not sure i could cope with Jesus on top of everything else! :)

I understand the 'can't leave the dog' thought. Call The Cinnamon Trust www.cinnamon.org.uk/ - they can sort out someone to walk the dog for her, foster it, or rehome it if necessary.

Hmm, let's try that link again ... www.cinnamon.org.uk/cinnamon-trust/

Stop fucking sorting her life out for her! She's absolutely VILE to you and whenever she turns on the 'nice' voice, you trot round.

course she's nice as fucking pie, that's the shitty cycle you are in now!

Get fucking angry woman! Write down the number of a cab, 999, 101 and then tell her that you will see her next week sometime and leave her to it.

She is taking the piss and you know it (((MN pat on the arm))

Get SS involved. Tell her that if she continues like this, then a residential home is the only way forward.

Hard ball. Don't blink.

Don't even think of trying to appeal to her better nature.

She hasn't got one.

She is an abusive bully. Unless she loses all those that put up with it, she will never EVER change, only get worse.

Draw the line NOW. Get DP to back you.

get HIM to be the person she has to go through, let him say, No, LEM is busy.

I think you just have to back off and leave her to it, easier said than done I'm sure.

Why can't she put flea stuff on her own animals?

Sorry I got the age wrong, it was early hours here. Does she have a walker of something, if her back is so bad she just sits there? Can she get the the loo on her own? How bad is it?

"I can't leave her sat in her home hardly unable to move"

Remember the start of your thread OP? When you said - "Get there to find her hobbling down the road from the bus stop." ? It may well be painful for her to move, but she is able. And willing, if it will throw you into a guilt trip. She is a nasty piece of work.

It's been pretty unanimous LEM, and you know how unusual that is on AIBU - step back. She will manage. I'm not sure how much longer you will manage though, if you do not step back from this poisonous person.