To just not do any more for my mother!! :(

[LEMisdisappointed]

My mother is difficult to say the very least - 76, so well, i guess you have to forgive a bit, but i just don't know what more i am supposed to do.

She hasn't been well this past week - hurt her back, bad stomach and generally having a pants time of it. I think i have done my best to help - have been taking her dog out for walks for her, taking meals round (she can't cook for herself because apparently her sister has been tampering with her cooker - all the way from australia, thats a whole other thread right there!), getting stuff from the shops, going to the doctors with her - saturday night was there having called ambulance and agreed to stay with her etc until pain killers kicked in.

All pretty reasonable, of course, im shattered as have had to do my own stuff with DD as well. But still, she's my mum isn't she.

But have i had one word of thanks??? No, I have had - comments along the line of when i phoned to say, did you see i got the shopping you wanted, x is in the fridge, y is in the cupboard etc - "yeah i saw, but you didnt get the cat biscuits" Fast forward tonight - had taken her dog for a really long walk (no problem, i have two dogs, so he tagged along - still, knackering though, hes a big strong dog and hard work) she wanted stuff from tesco - nothing urgent - toilet tissue, lottery tickets and cigarettes. The trouble is - i took too long, picked DD up from school and had to take her to visit a new activity she wants to do - thought we could go to tesco when that was done, forgetting of course that it would be too late for the lottery tickets.

Gets out to find four missed calls on my phone - ring her - "where have you been, ive been round your house three times, i can't stay like thiss, im going to the hospital now, im going on the bus" hangs up. So i get her shopping, by now im really stressed out (i suffer from anxiety) end up fallingout with DP because im so stressed - I couldnt make the self scan thing weigh the bananas FFS, i was flustered and wanting to get round to my mums as quick as a i could. Get there to find her hobbling down the road from the bus stop.

She isn't happy because the doctor has prescribed diazepam and she doesn't want to take drugs like mental people (her words not mine, i have been on diazepam for anxiety, she knows this) I tried to explain it was a low dose and being used as a muscle relaxant to help her become more mobile etc - but no, and its all not good enough because her back has been like it 8 days. Made worse because I took too long to take the dog out on saturday and she took him herself, he saw me walking to her house and pulled her. So, my fault. She really should have waited for me, but instead of jumping, i waited for DD and DP so we could all take the dogs out together. .

The last call she made to me tonight was to ask why i hadn't got the lottery tickets - i explained that i forgot due to taking DD to activity and it taking longer than i expected. She then said "well its probably best if I don't ask you to do anything for me then, you can't even do that for me" She knows i can't let her do that as she cannot manage on her own. I am all she has so just have to take all the shit she dishes out - she drove my dad mad, he died with alzheimers and didn't even know me. She made his life hell really. Now its my turn. Apparently i don't believe her back is tht bad - well no, if she can walk then its not that bad - sorry but it doesn't warrant A&E. We offered to take her anyway.

So now have had massive row with DP and DD upset - I just don't know what to do anymore.

You should go for your lunch - don't cancel.

Have you thought about re posting this in the 'elderly parents' section, LEM? There are people there who are in similar situations who may be able to offer advice.

I probably should magi - i may do, but right now i am just so angry and upset. I will go and take the dog out because its not his fault, but im not doing any more for her today.

Ive tried to explain that actually the diazepam is a muscle relaxant as well as an AD and it would be really good for her to take it as it will allow her to move around and that is what she needs to be doing.

Text her. Say you are ill and won't be round for 2-3 days.
Make sure she knows it contagious so she doesn't come to you.
Stop running every time she snaps her fingers.

"she can't cook for herself because apparently her sister has been tampering with her cooker - all the way from australia,"

I think you may find that your mother is no longer able to cook, or indeed use the cooker. I think she does not understand how it works any more, and that most logical explanation to her is that it has been tampered with.

Are there any other sign of dementia or issues with her cognition? If so, think clearly what they are.

I think you need to write a clear and concise letter to her gp outlining your concerns. Explain in what ways her thought processes seems off, like the cooker. How she is unable to help her self.

I wrote a 3 page long letter to mums gp outlining strange behaviour as well as misconceptions she had. Such as in late August asking when will the kids break off from school for summer. (She lived next to a school and had not noticed there had not been any children there for a while). Lost concepts of time, no understanding of tomorrow or yesterday. Confusing what you have said. Not knowing what you have done. Not showing appreciation. Anger and frustration. etc.

Also, check out the Elderly Parents topic. Lots of people there with understanding and advice.

Just spotted this: "I do not believe that my mum does have alzheimers as she has medical history to suggest otherwise"

Fair enough.

It's either dementia or paranoid schizophrenia.
Either way it's disgraceful that no one will assess her for you.
Agree with quint.

I remember you posting about her before (the australian sister bit rings a bell) and I have to say you are fighting a losing battle. She may have early dementia but it sounds like she has always been a toxic woman.

You cannot live like this any more.

I think this is the point where you need to protect yourself, your relationship and your own little family.

You will never, ever be good enough for her.
You will never, ever get it right.
You will never, ever get any thanks.
You will never, ever be made to feel good by her.

You are not responsible for her actions.
You can't make her seek help unless she wants it.
You will never change her.

That sounds harsh but until you really get that, you are always always going to be miserable and waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

It is time to set your own boundaries. If you don't then you will lose your own sanity and wreck your own relationships and set a terrible example to your kids.

If you enjoy walking the dog then keep doing so. If you only want to do it on certain days then either tell her that or arrange a dog walker for her.

Set up an online shopping order for her. Once you have put the list once so it is very easy to tweak or click repeat.

Same with the national lottery - do it online and make sure the account details are hers, not yours.

Definitely go for your lunch and do it without any guilt. Enjoy some time to yourself.

Pick a regular amount of time/time of the day/day of the week or month when you will visit or do stuff with her IF YOU WANT TO. Stick to it. Ignore the crap that will be thrown at you.

Yes, she will slag you off and moan at you and scream and shout but she does that already what terrible thing is going to happen if you stop giving in to her every whim?

I feel so bad for you because she has done such a number on you all your life that you are living in a permanent cloud of guilt and disappointment. You are SO much better than that.

Take care

My mums dementia is a bit different. She has Levy Body Dementia, there is an element of psychosis that you don't find in "normal" vascular dementia. She hears and sees things that are not there, will draw strange conclusions to things. Conversations with her can be utterly bizarre to say the least.

Quint that is interesting about the lewy body dementia - my poor old dad used to look in the drawer for his mum :( although he did have vascular dementia. Its really difficult to deal with though isn't it?

There have been times when i have thought dementia, and other members of the family have mentioned it but she really has been like it for years, since i was a child. A certain degree of her temper is due to her condition - she had a bilateral adrenalectomy so now is on steroid replacement therapy. I have spent my whole life apologising to people for her - she got barred from her last medical practice because she was so rude to the receptionists an too my shame wound me up so much that i was awful to them one time as well. I did phone and apologise though. She has never said sorry in her life, not ever. There is a certain level of psychosis associated with her condition and i have tried to talk to the doctor about this as apparently it is often missed but im not sure she took me seriously.

Re the cooker - she has completely dismantled it it all started because of a mark on the halogen hob. But there have been several different dramas associated with her sister in the past - the police were called on one occasion Old women fighting in the street So the cooker is just one thing that has been tampered with - we had to take her to buy a new kettle, new toaster, microwave because apparently the sister had put "acid" in there - her sister lives in australia but apparently did this 8 years ago I have explained all of this to the doctor, who is my doctor as well and lovely and really thorough and helpful but her hand are tied.

Am so tired, didnt sleep at all last night - DP has just rung and apologised for being impatient with me. I do understand why he gets that way as i go from 0-explosion in 3 seconds because my mum just presses my buttons.

Am going to take the dog out now, wish me luck

Mum thought she kept my children in her hand bag. She would search everywhere, drawers, under the bed, in the sink, in her handbag. etc.

Once I came into the kitchen, and she looked at me in surprise."Oh, but I just spoke to you, you were just here, you were 18, and your hair was long and beautiful. Not sure where you went. Never mind, you are back now."

Sounds like your mum has some other lang standing issues. Must be so hard. Take care of yourself!

No wonder your sister's in Australia. Talk to her doctor incase she has the onset of dementia, there is lots of support you can put in place whilst you step back enough to not be caught up in some of the madness. Heed Greenfolder warning you need to balance her needs and yours as its only going to get worse

Well i just took the dog out, surprised she let me, she is clearly in a lot of pain but refusing to take the meds only paracetemol. I feel so sorry for her but i couldnt stay, i was still angry and she barely spoke to me anyway. :(

Sad about your mum quint, you have more patience than me

Have you reflected on any of these suggestions OP. You deserve a better future?

Just had to call doctors for a ringback I can't take any more. She is being awful trying to cause trouble between me and dp accusing him of hanging up on her (she hung up on him) guilt tripping me by telling me she knows I cant cope because she knows im not well in my head . Err maybe if I didn't get a load of abuse when I turn up to help then id have half a chance. Ive had about five hours sleep all week and existing on coffee. No patience with dd so am going to ask for sleeping tablets. Offered for dp to take her to hospital but no she doesnt want jim

she is trying to fuck with my head isnt she????? Or am I not stepping up?

Just had to call doctors for a ringback I can't take any more. She is being awful trying to cause trouble between me and dp accusing him of hanging up on her (she hung up on him) guilt tripping me by telling me she knows I cant cope because she knows im not well in my head . Err maybe if I didn't get a load of abuse when I turn up to help then id have half a chance. Ive had about five hours sleep all week and existing on coffee. No patience with dd so am going to ask for sleeping tablets. Offered for dp to take her to hospital but no she doesnt want jim

she is trying to fuck with my head isnt she????? Or am I not stepping up?

Just had to call doctors for a ringback I can't take any more. She is being awful trying to cause trouble between me and dp accusing him of hanging up on her (she hung up on him) guilt tripping me by telling me she knows I cant cope because she knows im not well in my head . Err maybe if I didn't get a load of abuse when I turn up to help then id have half a chance. Ive had about five hours sleep all week and existing on coffee. No patience with dd so am going to ask for sleeping tablets. Offered for dp to take her to hospital but no she doesnt want jim

she is trying to fuck with my head isnt she????? Or am I not stepping up?

Dont know who jim is!! :bloody fat fingers

She is messing with your mind.

Remember last time and people on here said her next step would be a crisis of illness from her and it was?

Just don't engage with her at all. Yes she is your mother but you might have to just stop all contact for her to realise you mean business so you can restart your relationship on a more even footing.

Tell her no. She is more than capable of sorting her own medical issues out and she might have to learn to treat people better along the way.

Step back, LEM.

You need some distance from her. Cooking/cooker debacle - get her a microwave. Shopping - get her set up with online delivery from Tesco. Doctor/medication - can a friend take her and ignore what she says re her meds. With regard to her erm odd ideas re the cooker etc. as others have said, Alzheimers? Google early symptoms.

You have my sympathy, i have had similar and while suffering depression. Distance was all that worked. Suddenly, my mother was nicer when i spent less time jumping every time she called and , (this is the hard bit but worked ) on the advice of a friend, every time she told me i was useless i would laugh and go 'I know, shocking isnt it' then say must go, byeeee. Took the wind right out of her sails .The fact she knows she gets to you fuels it all subconsciously for her. She gets a reaction she is used to which keeps you in the subordinate 'powerless' position.. change your reaction & it disables her 'power' to get to you. Trust me. I couldnt believe this worked and by 3rd time i had done it i was doing it with no fear and it worked every single time. It makes it clear you wont go there with toxic arguing/pleading/reasoning but are firmly in charge and not discussing it any more.

LEM, look after yourself and take a step back for the sake of you, your DP and your children.

And to the 'not well in your head' guilt trip .. Your reply should be ... 'my heads fine, sometimes i'm get anxious thats all, but meds sort that,. Then you hang up or leave: instantly. Do not engage. Do not carry on the conversation or plead or reason or defend. Its pointless and fuels the toxic dynamic and the tools she uses to keep you her subordinate.

No advice I'm afraid but couldn't not post. I hope your GP can help.

The only reason you need sleeping tablets is because of WHAT SHE IS DOING. Medication is not going to stop how she treats you and how she makes you feel. The only person who can resolve that is YOU, by not allowing her to do it.

You can see CORRECTLY that she is trying to cause trouble between you and your DH which is now affecting your relationship with your DD, therefore YOU have got to put a stop to it.

Stop feeding into her nastiness by going round and allowing her to treat you like shit. NO-ONE is given the right to treat someone as a lessor being and that is EXACTLY what she is doing.

It will only continue for as long as you let it. It's time to make a stand - for you and your IMMEDIATE family's sake. Nothing will change unless you make it change.

You are not selfish, you're human. You are it gets to a point where other arrangements need to be made. She sounds like she needs to have daily assistance or maybe even moving to a seniors home. 87 is an age when professional care of some sort is commonly needed.

Can the pharmacist call her doctor and explain, maybe some simple flexerol will help her back.
Sounds like she's 87 years old, unwell and agitated. Hope you take a bit of a hiatus, even if you have to say sick and look into options for her before you see her?

Please take time out. for you and your immediate family before you're at your wit's end. She wont have any trouble bothering the doctor or others if she needs it. Tell her as suggested yesterday what you are prepared to do and which days, and at what time You strong part time will be more help than you frazzled full time. You have to prioritise your health for your families self. Be kind to yourself.? You need to make it manageable or you will all be going down with her.