To just not do any more for my mother!! :(

[LEMisdisappointed]

My mother is difficult to say the very least - 76, so well, i guess you have to forgive a bit, but i just don't know what more i am supposed to do.

She hasn't been well this past week - hurt her back, bad stomach and generally having a pants time of it. I think i have done my best to help - have been taking her dog out for walks for her, taking meals round (she can't cook for herself because apparently her sister has been tampering with her cooker - all the way from australia, thats a whole other thread right there!), getting stuff from the shops, going to the doctors with her - saturday night was there having called ambulance and agreed to stay with her etc until pain killers kicked in.

All pretty reasonable, of course, im shattered as have had to do my own stuff with DD as well. But still, she's my mum isn't she.

But have i had one word of thanks??? No, I have had - comments along the line of when i phoned to say, did you see i got the shopping you wanted, x is in the fridge, y is in the cupboard etc - "yeah i saw, but you didnt get the cat biscuits" Fast forward tonight - had taken her dog for a really long walk (no problem, i have two dogs, so he tagged along - still, knackering though, hes a big strong dog and hard work) she wanted stuff from tesco - nothing urgent - toilet tissue, lottery tickets and cigarettes. The trouble is - i took too long, picked DD up from school and had to take her to visit a new activity she wants to do - thought we could go to tesco when that was done, forgetting of course that it would be too late for the lottery tickets.

Gets out to find four missed calls on my phone - ring her - "where have you been, ive been round your house three times, i can't stay like thiss, im going to the hospital now, im going on the bus" hangs up. So i get her shopping, by now im really stressed out (i suffer from anxiety) end up fallingout with DP because im so stressed - I couldnt make the self scan thing weigh the bananas FFS, i was flustered and wanting to get round to my mums as quick as a i could. Get there to find her hobbling down the road from the bus stop.

She isn't happy because the doctor has prescribed diazepam and she doesn't want to take drugs like mental people (her words not mine, i have been on diazepam for anxiety, she knows this) I tried to explain it was a low dose and being used as a muscle relaxant to help her become more mobile etc - but no, and its all not good enough because her back has been like it 8 days. Made worse because I took too long to take the dog out on saturday and she took him herself, he saw me walking to her house and pulled her. So, my fault. She really should have waited for me, but instead of jumping, i waited for DD and DP so we could all take the dogs out together. .

The last call she made to me tonight was to ask why i hadn't got the lottery tickets - i explained that i forgot due to taking DD to activity and it taking longer than i expected. She then said "well its probably best if I don't ask you to do anything for me then, you can't even do that for me" She knows i can't let her do that as she cannot manage on her own. I am all she has so just have to take all the shit she dishes out - she drove my dad mad, he died with alzheimers and didn't even know me. She made his life hell really. Now its my turn. Apparently i don't believe her back is tht bad - well no, if she can walk then its not that bad - sorry but it doesn't warrant A&E. We offered to take her anyway.

So now have had massive row with DP and DD upset - I just don't know what to do anymore.

Am definately stepping back - had enough now, i turn up, take the dog out - late today as i have had other things to do. She tells me she is going to the town - i tell her to write me a list - no no, she wants to go - fine. Then i come home and sit down after a busy day selling cakes at the school pfa and she knocks on the door - hobbles in, asks for the receipt for the microwave she bought, we were to be taking it back for her tomorrow - apparently she is going to get someone else to take it back. Good, fuck off and leave me alone then.

What i can't understand is, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE WRONG?? Ive taken her abuse all week - ive STILL turned up and took the dog out, offered to go to the shop for her, cooked her dinner etc - I am still in the wrong, she must really hate me :(

Someone upthread said - I'll never be good enough, that is so true. I remember one time when i was at primary school - I made a collage to take into school, out of furry material, was a horse - i was so proud of it, but it "wasn't good enough" so my mum made one herself and made me take that in - I got into trouble for having my mum do it for me and all the kids laughed at me - i've never forgotten that.

I pray to God that i never do this to my DDs

hugs for you op, its so very very hard xx

See Lem, she can do it herself. So just let her.

Then relax and enjoy the peace.

You know - i think i might just do that!

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE WRONG??"

Nothing. Absolutely nothing, LEM. It's not you, it's her.

" Good, fuck off and leave me alone then."
Please, please, please - hold on to that thought!

See, now she is demonstrating. She thinks that you will buckle and BEG to do stuff for her, if she gets other people on board. She is counting on you being mortified at the idea of being seen to not care about your mum.

The psychology is that people will think you dont care, and that is why she is asking others. You dont want others to think badly of you, so you will beg to do stuff for her.

Just say "fine, it is great that you have x, y, z to do this, I am too busy".

Quint, you are exactly right, when i offered to go to the town for her today and/or go to tesco, or get DP to take her to tesco she refused. I didn't bite, i said ok, just ring me if you need anything - her parting shot was, "im going to the town, the girl next door will be going, she will walk with me" well let her fucking walk with you then, seriously - I have had enough, it is the weekend now and I am going to spend it with MY family, she is an adult, she can use a phone, if she needs help she can phone for a fecking ambulance. It really does bother me that people will think im a bad daughter and subconciously she nows this.

I just don't understand WHY she is like this - as i say, she has always been like this, she treated my dad like shit and now she is being with me EXACTLY the same way that she was with him. But WHY?? What does she get from all this nastiness? I just don't understand.

Anyone who would think that after all you do for her, is an idiot and their opinion is not worth bothering about.

Have a lovely weekend.

" It really does bother me that people will think im a bad daughter and subconciously she nows this."
NO-ONE who knows your mother and you could possibly think that. Absolutely no-one.

And TBH, I would think she probably trained you to think that way. After all, as you said she has always been like that. So from birth, she has been drumming it in to you that you HAVE to jump to her command, you HAVE to feel like a bad daughter, you HAVE to feel like you're in the wrong. It isn't so. It's just a lie that she's repeated, iver and over again, while you were growing up. She doesn't just subconsciously know you fear being thought a bad daughter; she knows it because she taught you to think that way.

hope you have a really lovely weekend with your family

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE WRONG??"
You did nothing wrong, but can I ever relate to your feelings of inadequacy and guilt. My mother is cold hearted and selfish, I have only begun to realize this the past year. I was having doubts, wondering if I was not a good daughter, but was not seeing it, (thinking maybe bad people don't see it themselves) but the fact is she doesn't even want to have a relationship with me. She didn't like my non support when she was leaving her dh. (I thought she was making a mistake, she has made several bad choices in her life) I realize now I should not have given an opinion, and I have written her letters, phoned and left voice mails, e-mail, send cards... all with apologies, but nope. My brother told me as far as she is concerned she has no daughter. Makes me feel pretty crappy, but my dh is good at reminding me it is her not me. Since she has fallen out with everyone she knows, and he said people should be allowed to disagree on something.
But it is her way, or the highway.

Sorry, back to you...you sound like you have tried very hard, but you are just one person.

Im sorry to read about your mum too musical - its horrible isn't it.

I have really bad self esteem issues and ive been having counselling to help with that, alongside my anxiety which has really fucked me up this past year.

What if it was all down to my mother? I have to admit to feeling a level of resentment. But i love her, she is my mum after all.

I would not be surprised that your mum is a major reason why you feel so bad.

She is your parent. The one person who is supposed to love, cherish and support you. And she behaves like this. Mind-fuck.

LEM, I'd seriously say that a lot of your problems stem from your mother and how she has treated you.

I mean, look at what she did to you over that collage when you were just a kid?

How would you react to your child showing you something they had spent time doing? Would you tell them it wasn't good enough and you could do better? Or would you tell them how brilliant it is and praise them for their efforts?

You know what the correct response is.

I have mh issues and am having counselling and am on meds - it is like she is jealous Like it is a competition. There always has to be a drama, if its not one thing its another.

LEM, I really think you state of mind would be greatly improved by distancing yourself from your mother.

I feel so sad for you LEM. My nan was exactly like this (well not the sister in australia thing, but she was paranoid about perceived slights). Just as you say, it wasn't old age, she was like that her whole life. Nothing was good enough. She caused so much heartache and eventually split the family, so i don't see any of my paternal relatives anymore. I really wish i had told her to stick it. But we all enabled her. I think it would have been better for her too if we had put our foot down. But there was always another family member who'd get sucked in.

If she has other help, then all the better. Let her use them instead of you. With my Nan i honestly think she was bitter and jealous that she was old. In the end she resented us all for being young. I know it sounds mean, but she kept going to the doctors, then complaining to us that they were useless, because they hadn't 'cured' her. But the was no cure for age and the doctor gave her pills which she thought would 'magic' her better - ie younger/fitter. Then she would be furious they hadn't. She was 90 and comparing herself to me in my early 30s. So in bitterness she would be nasty to me.

You sound as tho you are at breaking point. You have had really good advice on here. I hope you can take a step back. No one would judge you harshly for it - apart form your Mum, who, let's face it, will judge you harshly whatever you do.

Oh OP I really feel for you. Sorry if my first post seemed blunt.

I also have an incredibly toxic mother. For years I felt like I was doing some sort of dance routine to keep her happy, like "left leg must go there at this time or it all goes wrong". Sorry, that probably makes no sense but basically I spent most of my life trying to please her. Going out of my way for her, never daring stand up for myself when she bullied me.

Then one day my daughter was born, and I became fierce. I stood up for myself, I refused to do as I was told. She make my life hell. She threatened me and my family, invented family crisis after crisis, and then would slate me to anyone who would listen when I didn't come running back. These crises never actually existed or they were very very exaggerated versions of the truth.

I didn't back down but kept reminding her that I would not be bullied by her anymore. She flitted between denying everything or saying I deserved it.

I've suffered with anxiety my entire life, I was selectively mute for a great deal of my childhood and attempted to commit suicide twice in my teens.

Sorry, I'm waffling. The point I'm trying to make about my own mum is that she will never ever see that she is anything less than a great person. I've given up trying. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. The police are involved, but it doesn't stop my step dad turning up occasionally and telling me how she cries herself to sleep because of the way I treat her.

I'll be here when she's ready to change, but I'm not holding my breath. I sleep a lot better without the fear of my own mother.

You could look into getting a carers assessment for yourself - adult services (social services) are obliged to assess the needs of carers and that may be a route to get some support for your mum or an assessment of your mum.
Google 'carers assessment'.
I saw your previous thread on your mum - I know what a difficult situation you've been coping with. Make sure that you look after yourself whatever you decide to do - you have your own needs to attend to. Best wishes.

OP I agree with everyone else that you are not in the wrong: you are trying and trying, and get nowhere. That horse that you made not being good enough says it all really: she must be the root cause of many of your mh issues.

I got over not being good enough for my father, in the end, through lots of psychotherapy and being away from him. My poor sister kept on trying and being disappointed.

I work with old people but not as a carer and they do put you through this.i had to look after an old couple for 3 days as the old lady couldn't get up and she would look after the husband. The family refused to come and I was begging for the doctor to come but she refused to see him even though the house stank of wee. The doctor was appalled when he did a home visit and even though she stank of wee and couldn't get up she still insisted she was ok.it sounds as though your mum is is pain, the diazepam is there to help with some sort of mental/depression illness and it sounds as though she needs a carer to come in to take the burden off you. Can the doctor or social services step In and do a home visit to assess her? I think it's internet food shopping or if she likes to pick her own food go to the coop and they will do home delivery. It could be the pain and the fact shes not taking her tablets that's making her nasty like this and is something else to talk to the doctor about. You have to step back and talk to your dp/dh and get a united front together that if she's throwing accusations then neither of you will rise to it. You definitely need more help from the authorities though or get people in cleaners, carers etc.

So much for the nice weekend

She phoned my aunt last night - her SIL to take her to tesco because "she has no one to take her" I fucking offered

Told her that the cooker was dismantled because she had asked DP several times to look at it

Has now got my aunt to take her over the the hospital - but wouldn't go until my aunt had been round and knocked on my door to ask me to take the dog make the point that someone else has had to get involved

Thankfully my aunt is being great but i now feel bad that she has been roped in and is being manipulated by my mother. To be fair to her she said that she knows what my mum is like and is happy to help.

I told my aunt to leave my mum there or wait for us to go over but she said for us to stay home.

I really can't take much more of this - i was in a relatively good mood, been good with my counselling, but right now, i just want to give up, i know i need to grow a pair but i just haven't got it in me

LEM, leave her to it. Your aunt knows what your mum is like.

I am all she has so just have to take all the shit she dishes out - she drove my dad mad, he died with alzheimers and didn't even know me. She made his life hell really. Now its my turn.

No it isn't!! You need to disengage. She certainly hasn't got schitzophrenia as someone mentioned up thread. That's pretty insulting to my relative actually, because he doesn't act like an arsehole. Look what happened when you stood back - she was more pleasant!

You tell your aunt to forward on to your mother that you have had enough, you are shattered juggling your own life, that you are sick of her abuse and that as nothing you do is ever right or good enough, then you suggest she find alternative help. If she wants you and is prepared to be pleasant then you are only too willing to help her. Trust me, if this woman is able to 'hobble' to the bus stop she isn't that bad. I do have a mum who can be very difficult so i empathise but you need to take control of your life and stop allowing her to push your buttons. She is making you ill and unhappy and your family now need to come first i'm afraid.

Take some time off away from her starting now.

Do you know what? My mum is exactly the same age as yours, she has had a hip op, she is at times, an unbearable, draining hypochondriac. On Mothers Day she had in me in floods of tears, even though i went round first thing with a huge bouquet of flowers. Sometimes, with a parent like this, there are no answers to our questions. They are just like that, unfortunately. It doesn't matter what we do. And we are usually bloody good daughters but they thrive on taking out their frustrations on us because we are always there.

They may never change but we can change the way we react to them and limit the upset in our lives. My mum is alright at the moment but then will no doubt be a bit of a cow at some time in the future!
Hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend. Stop stressing about her.

I had a Work friend whose mother's speciality was to ring just before Midnight on New Year's Eve and say something to put her on a downer and then tell her she was going to bed, despite having been invited to spend the night with the family. It was so awful the way she behaved that we found laughing about it helped both of us.