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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my partner because he doesn't want anymore children?

112 replies

CharlMascaras · 23/09/2013 19:29

I love my partner and he really is my world.

We have been together for two years and I am getting to the stage where I would like to have a baby. My DP already has a child, well to be fair she isn't a child as she's actually almost 18.

We had the chat about marriage about 6 months ago and he said he never wants to get married again and that it's not really important these days and if it's failed the first time why would it work the second time?

Ok I don't agree but I accepted that.

Now he has told me that he doesn't want anymore children. He and his daughter are like best friends and she lived with him when the divorce was happening (and still does live with us). I am really jealous of their relationship just because I feel like I am never going to experience something like that.

I feel his attitude is - been there and done that and he had the marriage and baby with someone and I will have to miss out on those wonderful experiences because of it.

His mind seems set and I would never consider getting pregnant by "accident" - aibu to call this whole thing off even though I love him?

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 23/09/2013 19:31

Will you still love him in 10 years or will resentment have soured your feelings for him?

IMO, a mismatch of feelings like this is a big dent in your compatibility. You may think the world of him but if the two of you want wildly different things in life, you are not going to make one another happy.

BoysRule · 23/09/2013 19:33

I honestly don't see how it can ever work if you want children and he doesn't. I think you will never get over that desire and over the years will come to resent him for not allowing you to have children. I think you are right to never consider getting pregnant by accident. He has been honest about his views.

I do feel it is slightly unfair of him not to consider it or to take your desires into consideration. He has a child, but not with you. Although I don't think men feel the physical desire to have children.

Good luck.

NotYoMomma · 23/09/2013 19:33

I would leave if I wanted children.

BOF · 23/09/2013 19:33

Yes, all you can do is leave, hard though it feels.

DoudousDoor · 23/09/2013 19:35

I would leave. My cousin didnt and now at 50 and childless she really regrets it (tho is still with her boyfriend of a couple of decades!)

Original poster
CharlMascaras · 23/09/2013 19:40

I don't know ... sometimes I get the impression perhaps he thinks he will never love another child as much as his first?

It just baffles me how much he can love his daughter and see her as his biggest achievement and be so close to her and ... then not want another child.

OP posts:
BeetleBugBaby · 23/09/2013 19:44

I think leaving would be in your best interests if you want a child.

MissStrawberry · 23/09/2013 19:44

I would stop trying to second guess his feelings and concentrate on your own.

BrokenSunglasses · 23/09/2013 19:46

If you aren't prepared to live without the chance to have your own dc, then of course you should leave.

He's been honest with you, and now it's up to you what you do with that information.

Skinheadmermaid · 23/09/2013 19:46

Think carefully if you want a baby that much. My mothers friend spent seven years with a man that didn't want children.
Eventually they broke up as she couldn't bear it, she met and was with someone else and had a baby at 42. Shes since broken up with him but her daughter is 5 now and means the world to her.

picnicbasketcase · 23/09/2013 19:46

YANBU, I'm sorry to say. If he's certain he doesn't want anymore, and you're certain you do, there's no compromise to be had.

maddening · 23/09/2013 19:51

yes, if he is clear that he doesn't want dc and you do I would leave.

BarbarianMum · 23/09/2013 19:51

I don't think having a child is something you can compromise on, unfortunately. And yes I think you should leave and find someone who wants the things in life you want.

I know it's not easy to contemplate leaving someone you love but please don't be one of those women who hang on and on hoping to change his mind.

needaholidaynow · 23/09/2013 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 23/09/2013 19:57

I would leave in your shoes.

Original poster
CharlMascaras · 23/09/2013 20:00

What he says is that he just can't see it happening.

The thing is he is already such a fantastic dad.

I don't know if I want a baby or I just want his baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlMascaras · 23/09/2013 20:02

And btw thank you for all the replies.

OP posts:
time4anamechange · 23/09/2013 20:12

I would leave if I were in your position.

Miss out on having children you will regret.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 23/09/2013 20:13

Is it his age? does he think he couldn't give a second child the same as he gave his first?

Anyway, it sounds like you need to really think about how important having a child is to you and take it from there

you may find that he may come round to the idea if it is so important to you

notthefirstagainstthewall · 23/09/2013 20:16

So he's not going to marry or have children with you? So he see's you as what -a good friend with benefits?

IShouldNotBeHere · 23/09/2013 20:20

I don't think you have any choice but to leave. It would be really hard Im sure but otherwise you may regret your choice. Particularly if you split up one day and you've left it too late. The feeling of regret at never having had children can be enormous, and can't be just made better by having a man in your life, no matter how much you love him. A man won't be any consolation.

northernlurker · 23/09/2013 20:21

I think it's more likely that you want children than you simply wanting his children. I think he is being v unfair considering you have no dc and he has one.
Leave now. Don't waste three or five years waiting for him to change his mind. He won't.

IShouldNotBeHere · 23/09/2013 20:21

Also, perhaps, just perhaps, if you leave he may realise what he's losing and decide that actually another baby might be good. But you can't rely on that. Don't threaten to leave if you are not prepared to.

DownstairsMixUp · 23/09/2013 20:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

specialsubject · 23/09/2013 20:23

this is so sad, but there is clearly no compromise.

be aware that there is a chance that you may not be able to have children.

you have a tough decision to make. He has told you how it is.