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AIBU?

to leave my partner because he doesn't want anymore children?

112 replies

CharlMascaras · 23/09/2013 19:29

I love my partner and he really is my world.

We have been together for two years and I am getting to the stage where I would like to have a baby. My DP already has a child, well to be fair she isn't a child as she's actually almost 18.

We had the chat about marriage about 6 months ago and he said he never wants to get married again and that it's not really important these days and if it's failed the first time why would it work the second time?

Ok I don't agree but I accepted that.

Now he has told me that he doesn't want anymore children. He and his daughter are like best friends and she lived with him when the divorce was happening (and still does live with us). I am really jealous of their relationship just because I feel like I am never going to experience something like that.

I feel his attitude is - been there and done that and he had the marriage and baby with someone and I will have to miss out on those wonderful experiences because of it.

His mind seems set and I would never consider getting pregnant by "accident" - aibu to call this whole thing off even though I love him?

OP posts:

Report

CupOCoffee · 24/09/2013 11:34

I agree with Mumsyblouse

flipchart · 24/09/2013 12:30

Mumsy
Maybe the pair of them have been happy with the status quo for the last two years and have just let things jog on happily.

He hasn't been unfair at all or should we turn this thread into a one about a bloke being in the wrong!

All this is is a case of wanting different things and being at different points in their life. it's not about fairness/unfairness. It's about desires.

gotthemoononastick · 24/09/2013 13:31

Very good point by Quintessential. 'An old man is like a pot plant..sits on the verandah doing nothing and has to be looked after' (African saying)

Beastofburden · 24/09/2013 13:37

Oooh got that actually sounds rather nice. Is it too early for me to start being an old woman?

Lweji · 24/09/2013 13:52

I'm sorry to say, but perhaps he doesn't want to marry you and have another child with you.

I have seen in men and women too and I feel sorry for their partners (now exs, as they went on to have children and/or marry someone else).

It's possible you want a child with this man, not just a child, but is it working both ways?

You could simply be convenient for him.

Ultimately it might be kinder to you if you leave.

rosielovestractors · 24/09/2013 20:32

Hello just read your post, I'm in a very similar situation apart from the fact we are married. I have spent the last 5 years wanting to start a family and he will not budge on the fact that he has his 3 boys and will not have any more. My feelings are now turning to resentment, I posted on here earlier today and the advice has helped a lot. It's good to talk to people outside the situation. I've come to realise if he really cared at all he would consider this. I married him for goodness sake:( please don't waste another 5 years like I have.
All the very best

ModeratelyObvious · 24/09/2013 21:57

OP has said she is getting to the stsge that she would like a baby, and that they talked about marriage six months ago:

I don't think this man has been shy with his opinions and frankly I'm not surprised that someone with an 18 year old doesn't want another child - that would probably be my default assumption so he may not have thought it needed saying.

OP, I think you and he are at different life stages - don't you want to meet someone who shares your hopes and dreams?

Bogeyface · 24/09/2013 22:06

I was the wife after H told his ex that he didnt want to get married or have more children (he already had one). His ex went batshit and cyberstalked us both for a while. It wasnt marriage or children he was opposed to as such, just that he didnt want either of them with her.

Sorry :(

jollygoose · 24/09/2013 22:08

I would leave it sounds like hes a selfish arse - he hasnt given much thought to your needs

moggiek · 24/09/2013 22:12

You will never come to terms with giving up your chance for motherhood. Ultimately, it will sour your relationship to the point where you will split anyway, perhaps too late for you to make another. Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but I have seen it happen.

ModeratelyObvious · 24/09/2013 22:14

Can I put the other side - my cousin met a woman who had a child at 18, so said child was around 17 when they met. She'd done single parenthood and established a great career, house and hobbies. He did want to be a father. They were on and off for a while but they have decided to make a go of it and not have children.

I don't think she was selfish and I don't think this guy is either.

Morloth · 24/09/2013 23:20

I don't think he is being selfish at all.

They are just at different life stages.

If DH and I were to split for whatever reason it would not be selfish of me to tell any new partner that I did not wish to have any more children.

Nothing wrong with that at all, now if he was stringing her along and making promises he had no intention of keeping that would be selfish.

But he isn't, he has laid his cards on the table.

Bogeyface · 25/09/2013 00:22

Morloth I agree, I dont think he is being selfish. Quite the opposite actually. He must know that by saying he definitely doesnt want the two things that the OP wants most, he is risking their relationship but has been honest and given her the chance to decide rather than realise 10/15/20 years down the line that she was taken for a ride.

The question is what means more to the OP, never having children or never having him? For me, I have to say that I would sacrifice this relationship in order to have children.

MiauMau · 25/09/2013 00:37

You could try a deadline.
I had a big talk with DH who was weary due to our age difference (he's younger than me) and gave him a deadline which was a bit over a year. I was really surprised when months later, inspired by my sister's pregnancy, he told me that we should make a baby as it would be beautiful.

GoshAnneGorilla · 25/09/2013 01:36

Walk away OP.

I know a lovely women, who really wanted children, but spent 10 years with someone who didn't. He was always upfront about this, but she was so in love and thought he'd make such a good father that he would change his mind. He didn't.

Now they've split and health problems mean she wouldn't be able to conceive. Very, very sad.

Don't let that be you.

Phylis81 · 25/09/2013 12:41

I would definitely leave. I'm in a similar situation, my DP has had the snip so we can't have anymore kids - I accept that as we both have children so neither of us are missing out there.

However, he has the same attitude about marriage as your DP does "been there, done that, don't really want to do it again." and I don't accept that. It's utterly selfish to expect your partner to go without something as important as kids/marriage simply because you've been there and done it. My DP now says he will try and get his head around the idea of marriage and "thinks" he will be ok with it in a couple of years. I'm going to give it around 2 years and if we're not at least engaged by then I'll probably end up leaving which will break my heart but if he doesn't love me enough to see how important this is to my life then he obviously isn't the one. Same with your DP.

flipchart · 25/09/2013 12:57

It's utterly selfish to expect your partner to go without something as important as kids/marriage simply because you've been there and done it

It's not selfish. It's an opinion some people have. Once bitten twice shy and all that.
It could be argued that it is selfish to expect someone to marry you despite them doing it before and you weren't happy.

All it is is different expectations. Nothing wrong with them just not compatible to a relationship where people want different things.

LittlePeaPod · 25/09/2013 13:20

Phylis81 please take this the right way. I am honestly interested in knowing your thoughts. Do you really want to get married to someone that in their heart of hearts doesn't want to get married? To know they are only doing it because you forced or emotionally blackmailed them into it? It conjurs up images of a shot gun wedding to me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't marry someone knowing they were doing it under duress rather than because it felt right for them as it does for me.

BarnYardCow · 25/09/2013 13:27

I would leave too, your biological clock can tick for a long time, if anything happened to him, you may find it too late to have children with someone else.

Ragwort · 25/09/2013 14:30

LittlePeaPod makes a very good point to Pyllis81 - surely if your DP has to be 'pressurised' into marriage then it clearly isn't the right thing to do - if he is saying he 'will think about it in two years time' - do you really want to be hanging around in the hope that he will change his mind ? If marriage is so important to you then I would walk away from that guy with my dignity rather than having to 'beg' him to get married.

Phylis81 · 25/09/2013 15:05

yeah actually you both make good points and I suppose it is something I'll need to think about. I'm in no rush right now either way so I'm happy to stay as things are for now. Maybe I'll bring it up again in a years time and see how he feels about it and decide whether we're going to be compatible or not.

bedhaven · 25/09/2013 15:22

It's an incompatibility that you're not likely to get over. IMHO There is no point investing your time, energy and fertile years into someone who ultimately wants different things. For me, it was a very early new relationship question and was a deal breaker for anything serious.

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QuintessentialShadows · 25/09/2013 18:12

Your situation is anyway very different Phyllis. You both have children, but not with each other.

I take the view that marriage is really for the benefit of protecting family assets. If a man and a woman marry and have children, the legal unity of marriage ensures that the assets stay within the family, if one of the adults should die, or in case of a stroke or life limiting illness where the spouse has certain rights.

When a man and a woman both have children, they are protecting the assets for their own children, in the event that they should die. The children will inherit their parent, not the partner!

Jellybeanz1 · 25/09/2013 18:18

If it's what you want you are going to be thinking this everytime something goes wrong in your relationship. Your sacrifice. I couldn't imaging not having my dc definitely the best decision I made, My dh wasn't keen so we had them late. He now admits best thing for him too. Why did I wait those 10 years for him to get his act together?

thebody · 25/09/2013 18:25

I don't think he's selfish either. he doesn't want another child and you want to have one.

you either sacrifice your desire for the love if this man or you don't.

if you stay you can't resent.

only you can say how much having your own child jeans to you.

but don't hang around hoping he will change his mind as he may not and you may miss the boat.

Flip

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