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AIBU?

to leave my partner because he doesn't want anymore children?

112 replies

CharlMascaras · 23/09/2013 19:29

I love my partner and he really is my world.

We have been together for two years and I am getting to the stage where I would like to have a baby. My DP already has a child, well to be fair she isn't a child as she's actually almost 18.

We had the chat about marriage about 6 months ago and he said he never wants to get married again and that it's not really important these days and if it's failed the first time why would it work the second time?

Ok I don't agree but I accepted that.

Now he has told me that he doesn't want anymore children. He and his daughter are like best friends and she lived with him when the divorce was happening (and still does live with us). I am really jealous of their relationship just because I feel like I am never going to experience something like that.

I feel his attitude is - been there and done that and he had the marriage and baby with someone and I will have to miss out on those wonderful experiences because of it.

His mind seems set and I would never consider getting pregnant by "accident" - aibu to call this whole thing off even though I love him?

OP posts:

Report

ChasedByBees · 23/09/2013 20:26

I think I would leave. It might depend on age (if I could wait to see if he would change his mind) but I think I'd have to be / he'd have to be early 20's for that decision. If he has an 18 yr old I'm guessing he's not.

TiggyD · 23/09/2013 20:30

LTNMWWADF

Leave the nice man who wants a different future.

You're just not compatable and you can't really comprimise on a baby. Sometimes it's nobodys fault.

MortifiedAdams · 23/09/2013 20:34

You want marriage. He doesn't.

You want kids. He doesn't.

Don't waste the best years of your life with this man.

expatinscotland · 23/09/2013 20:35

He's telling you who he is. Listen to him. Move on.

hermioneweasley · 23/09/2013 20:36

What mortified and expat say

Halfbaked · 23/09/2013 20:37

I was in a similar position to you. It took all my courage but I left, we split fairly amicably because we both knew we wanted different things and that wasn't going to change.
18 months later he changed his mind, he is now my DH and we have a DD with DC2 on the way.
I know he was worried how he would feel about DD as he loves his son so much. Ultimately it brought us and our future into focus for him.
I know this was an unusual outcome and some friends were wary about us getting back together. However I never regretted leaving, I would have regretted not having children though.

theneedajobname · 23/09/2013 20:38

That is a terrifically sad situation, OP, and I'm sorry you're in it.

But consider this: You stay with him until it's too late to have children, and he leaves you for some reason. Or you decide that you want to leave him, but you have so much invested in this relationship - after all, it's the reason you never had children - that you cannot bring yourself to leave even though you want to. I've seen friends in both situations in their mid-40s and it's horrible.

Don't threaten him with leaving. Just leave. It's not his fault he doesn't want children any more than it's yours for wanting them.

flipchart · 23/09/2013 20:42

I disagree with northernlurker
I think he has been very fair. He has laid his cards in the table. It's up to the OP what she does with them. He hasn't led her on with any'we'll see' or ' not yet' lines. He has been very straight.

marriedinwhiteisback · 23/09/2013 20:43

I think if you loved him enough to marry him you would be able to accept what he wants on the baby front. Sorry OP - he's the wrong one for you.

TodaysAGoodDay · 23/09/2013 20:44

This is one of those rare things where there is no compromise at all, either you have children or you don't. There is no middle ground. If you feel determined to have children and he is so obviously determined not to have them, then there really is only one way out IMO. If you stay with him you will come to resent him, if you get pregnant by 'accident' then he will probably resent you. No winners there. I'd get out if I was you.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/09/2013 20:45

"I think if you loved him enough to marry him you would be able to accept what he wants on the baby front."

That would be true for him too.

He doesn't want to marry her and he's not interested in doing what she wants on the baby front.

Chesntoots · 23/09/2013 21:00

It was the other way round for me. I didn't want children and my ex did. It did drive a wedge - he would drop not very subtle hints and it wore me down. In the end we split up. It wasn't the main reason, but it was a major part.
He has since gone on and had a baby girl and I am still happily childfree.
Please don't waste your life waiting for him to change his mind. If he is like me, he won't, and he will resent you as much as you will resent him.
My thoughts are with you for this difficult decision.

OccamsRaiser · 23/09/2013 22:01

I was in a similar situation - my DP of 3 years was 12 years older, with an 10yo DS (who I absolutely loved to bits) We'd been talking about the future and marriage and kids, but as it came closer (and as I turned 30 and started to think about it in the near/er future) he decided that he really didn't want the disruption to what was a very nice "comfortable" life.

It broke my heart, as I really did love him and see a future together, but I had to appreciate his honesty. And while we broke up but drifted along in a limbo-state of still-loving-each-other but not being in a relationship, I realized after a few months that it wasn't ever going to bring me the happiness that I wanted. So, like ripping off a bandaid, we stopped contact and moved on.

As it turned out, I met my DH a few months later, and we're happy together with one DS and another baby on the way. He ended up meeting someone with a child almost the same age as his DS and having a baby with her. So go figure! But I really believe that you can't go along living as though you're waiting/hoping for things to change. If it's 'meant to be', one or the other may use the time apart to think about priorities and whether the relationship outweighs the preference for/not for children. But I suspect you'll realise that it's better to find someone who does want the same things out of life, and you can't really compromise on children!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 23/09/2013 22:47

Yanbu. He is not the right person for you. Move on.

FatPenguin · 23/09/2013 22:56

I agree with flipchart - he has been honest with you. Be thankful that you have found this out before it is too late for you to have a child of your own.
This must be such a difficult decision for you to make but I really don't think you could 'switch off' your want for a baby. I know I couldn't.

Yakky · 23/09/2013 23:05

Surely if you have been together for 2 years this conversation must have occurred before?
Did you not know his views on marraige and kids a long time ago?
And he may not want to have any more kids because he knows how bloody hard work they are, especially babies and night feeds and lack of sleep, etc because he's already been through it.

passedgo · 23/09/2013 23:11

YANBU, he is showing little regard for your wishes. It is a very sad situation for both of you, but I'm sure it will be for the best if you separate.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/09/2013 23:12

In your position I would leave the relationship . You are looking for different things from the rest of your lives, it's a really fundemental incompatibility. So sorry .

Scholes34 · 23/09/2013 23:13

Get yourself to Ambridge. This is exactly the reason Tom and Brenda split up, but it was Tom who wanted children, not Brenda, and she decided to split with him. Meanwhile, Tom's sister, Helen, desperately wanted a baby and, with no man on the scene, decided to go it alone and had a baby through donor insemination.

Kewcumber · 23/09/2013 23:13

I was in a similar position (though slightly different)

I left

I eventually became a single parent to a now 7 year old.

Never regretted a day of it - would rather have DS in my life a million times over than exP

Kewcumber · 23/09/2013 23:14

Scholes - I adopted (rather than DI)... I am an Ambridge plot!

Scholes34 · 23/09/2013 23:19

Kew - well done to you. No doubt a very difficult decision, but pleased to hear how much happiness your DS brings to you. Ultimately, Brenda's decision was a very loving one.

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MrsKoala · 23/09/2013 23:19

I divorced my exH because he didn't want dc (well he said he'd think about them when he was 37 - it would have made me 40 and then if he decided no i would have been screwed and wasn't prepared to take that risk). It was heart breaking but i now have a DS and am planning on more. I'm so glad i made the tough decision. I would have resented him forever.

My friend was with a man with 2 grown up dc and he didn't want anymore children. She couldn't fathom it, as he loved them and had a great relationship with them. But that isn't the point really is it? No matter how much you love your children, there is a point when you don't want anymore. (i adore DS but wouldn't want more than 3 of him) and that is quite okay to feel that way.

I think you need to move on. It will hurt tho. Sorry.

Kewcumber · 23/09/2013 23:22

Ironically the ex and I met up recently and he now has a child with his current wife.

I made the right decision because it transpired that he did eventually decide he wanted children - he didn't want them with me.

Or at least not enough to stop me leaving.

expatinscotland · 24/09/2013 04:46

Went to sleep and then woke up, as per usual.

Look, so sorry, but you need to leave because he is being honest with you.

Ex h and I had a house together, cars, a so-called good life. He decided he never wanted children and now, 12 years later, he doesn't have them. He had a vasectomy and later remarried a woman who had been sterilised before she met him, in her mid-30s, happily childfree.

I left our house, our cars, our life, for even the promise of DD1, for in my conscience I felt okay with trying and possibly never succeeding, but not okay with never trying at all.

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to marry and have children, or not. But it is totally beyond the bounds of compromise, and my conclusion was that the least I could do was provide whatever child I with a father who so wanted him or her.

And so that's what needed to be done.

I didn't want a father who wasn't 100% on board, and considered co-parenting with a gay male couple or going it alone because I grew to accept myself as someone who wanted children and that that was not an unrealistic or wrong desire.

Now I have a daughter and son left to me, and I try to teach them, all the time, that normal human desires have all kinds of bounds, and they are all okay as long as they do not harm others and you are honest and upfront about them. And if you need to walk away, one way or another, that's okay, too, but don't string people along, or lie, and he has not.

He has not. He has told you the truth. Listen, take it on board and do what you must for you. Because life is very short, and we have only one shot at it.

Cut your losses and do what you feel is best for you.

I did, Kew did, we both became the mothers we wanted to be, and you can, too.

Flip

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