to leave my partner because he doesn't want anymore children?

[CharlMascaras]

I love my partner and he really is my world.

We have been together for two years and I am getting to the stage where I would like to have a baby. My DP already has a child, well to be fair she isn't a child as she's actually almost 18.

We had the chat about marriage about 6 months ago and he said he never wants to get married again and that it's not really important these days and if it's failed the first time why would it work the second time?

Ok I don't agree but I accepted that.

Now he has told me that he doesn't want anymore children. He and his daughter are like best friends and she lived with him when the divorce was happening (and still does live with us). I am really jealous of their relationship just because I feel like I am never going to experience something like that.

I feel his attitude is - been there and done that and he had the marriage and baby with someone and I will have to miss out on those wonderful experiences because of it.

His mind seems set and I would never consider getting pregnant by "accident" - aibu to call this whole thing off even though I love him?

[Morloth]

You need to leave.

It is sad, but you both want completely different things.

Neither of you is wrong, you are just not compatible.

[MimiSunshine]

Sit him down, tell him you love him. Can't imagine being without him but you do want children. You can compromise on marriage (if you truly can) but children are a definite.

Set a time frame, tell him you won't leave straight away but if he still doesn't want children by Christmas then you will leave. Start the New Year heartbroken afresh ready to eventually meet someone who does want children.
But you have to follow it through. If he does change his mind, make sure you agree a time frame to start trying.

[Beastofburden]

If he has a DC aged 18 then I am guessing he is around 20 years older than you are. Tis is different from a couple of similar age where one person isn't ready for kids yet. He has already done those early years of parenting, been right the way through it, and is now out the other side. Looking forward to some fun years with less responsibility, not in a selfish way but because that is how we parents of 20 somethings feel.

If he can have that fun with a lovely, young, sexy woman why wouldn't he? I don't think there is much chance of him changing his mind. Sme men are prepared to do the parenting thing twice, but they are rare.

I think you need to make it clear to him that you want and need something from the next 20 years of your life that he is currently denying you, althohugh he ahd it himself. he already knows he is doing this, of course. He may realise he loves you enough to have a second family. Or you may, very sadly, have to part as friends.

[Trills]

It just baffles me how much he can love his daughter and see her as his biggest achievement and be so close to her and ... then not want another child.

If that made sense then why would anyone ever stop having children? If the logic was I love my child(ren) therefore I want more children to love then everyone would keep having them as long as they were physically able.

[mrsjay]

you have no children he has one I think he is being selfish and unfair on you and the relationship does he really expect you to not want children because he doesn't . please try and talk this out with him I cant tell you to leave him but I think if you want children then you are going to have a serious think about it, he might not change his mind ever would you be ok in 20 years when his daughter has her own children and his grandchildren and you still have no child , and some women think if they get pregnant anyway their men will love the baby eventually they just become resentful

[CoteDAzur]

How old are you? How old is he? How long have you been together?

Did you really not know before that he doesn't want children with you? This is the sort of thing people talk about before they get to the "partner" stage.

[CoteDAzur]

"he never wants to get married again and that it's not really important these days and if it's failed the first time why would it work the second time?"

Err because he is more compatible with you than his ex-wife? Because you are lovelier and he loves you more?

If he has no hope that your relationship will work in the long term, no wonder he doesn't want a child with you. Sorry

[QuintessentialShadows]

I would leave.

His first marriage failed, he does not see that a marriage to you might not because you are a different person.

He already has a child, so wont have any more.

He is laying it out honestly to you. What he is effectively saying is HE has been married, so if you stay with him, you wont get marriage. HE has a child, so if you stay with him, you wont get to experience motherhood.

He cant put it any clearer than this!

You and him have different goals in life. He is done with the whole marriage and kids shebang, and you are not.

You sound young. You will love again.

[QuintessentialShadows]

If he has no hope that your relationship will work in the long term, no wonder he doesn't want a child with you.

Yes, exactly.

[FunLovinBunster]

This is really sad situation for you OP.
I think it's increasing issue now.
I left my ex because I wanted to have a child, or at least foster/adopt. We weren't married and had no DCs.
I met someone else, and we have a DD.
All the best, OP.

[Ragwort]

I don't think he is being selfish at all, he is being totally honest. He doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want to have any more children.

He has made his position entirely clear, if you want marriage and children then you need to leave him and move on.

Please, please don't try and make him change his mind or trick him into becoming a parent with you - that is not fair on him, you or the unborn child.

Respect his opinion, as he should respect your opinion, and agree to separate.

[comingalongnicely]

I can see where he's coming from - his child is 18, and adult & someone he can get along with. More importantly, she's now relatively independant.

He probably doesn't want to revert to having a baby/toddler etc taking over his life again - I wouldn't.

You have to respect the fact that he doesn't want children, as he has to respect the fact that you do.

At least he's been honest & open, you should both sit down & talk about where you're going...

[theboutiquemummy]

I think babies are the least of your worries did he really say that about marriage, if that's the case it's indicative of how he feels about you he's not even taking into consideration that you are a different person from his ex

You have some serious thinking to do

[MoaningMingeWhingesAgain]

I was with someone for a while, lived together, they didn't want any more children - they already had teenagers. Although I mostly left for other reasons - not wanting children is/was a dealbreaker for me.

IMHO it's extra difficult because you can't compromise.

But if you definitely want to have children, you need to plan to have them with someone else, sorry.

[QuintessentialShadows]

And to be perfectly frank, I would not consider a life with a man 20 years older than me, and no kids.

I will be very lonely. Care for an old man who may be 70 when I am 50, and no children. You need to take the long view here.

And your dp needs to find a woman his age who can grow old with him and who does not want any more kids either.

[avolt]

It would be a deal breaker for me. I think you have to move on. I don't think he's being selfish but that he just doesn't want another dc. It's a huge responsibility having a dc. He's been honest, he doesn't want to do that again. It's very sad but unfortunately your life plans are not compatible.

[juneau]

I agree that if you want a child and that is very important to you, you should leave. He's being honest here and with his only child now being an adult I can totally understand why he wouldn't want to go back to babies and nappies and all the myriad restrictions that small children place on your life. TBH, I wouldn't want to go back to it either now - and my youngest is only two. When you're mentally 'done' with that stage, you're done.

Since you are only at the 'thinking about it' stage, I'd cut your losses. Missing out on having your own DC because someone else is done with that stage of life would be a deal-breaker for me.

[gamerchick]

I think know you need to have a proper conversation with your bloke. You can't compromise on kids and he needs to know know that never having kids isn't apart of your future. He's been honest with you and now it's your turn.

[bigbrick]

He has a child and you don't and would like one. Why should you agree to him and regret this. I'd say move on and find someone who wants the same in life as you.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Yes I would leave. Yanbu.

I wouldn't be with someone who didn't share the same life goals as me concerning marriage and children. It's like Monica and Richard in Friends It would be very hard to leave someone you love for this reason though I feel for you, OP.

[Andcake]

If you can't see yourself without a child - leave him - depending on your age your desire for a child will grow. But be honest and I like the suggestion of giving him some advanced warning. he has been honest with you and thats fine.

On the marriage front - I love my DP passionately but never want to get married again as very similar reasons to your DP. I have an evil exH. And really i can't even when I got married couldn't see the fuss about marriage - waste of time and money in my mind - and I don't want to be bound to anyone or change my name. I think women who need it to validate 'love' as a bit needy. I let dp (father of DS) know v early on I had no plans to ever get married again (actually in first conversation as we were actually at a wedding) but we certainly see each other for keeps. But are honest with each other that relationships often don't last for ever.
However marriage is a short cut to lots of great legal rights and that is something to be weighed up. But the you can just pop to a registry office on a Saturday morning.

[Abra1d]

My brother and his then girlfriend split up because he already had two children, older teenagers, and didn't want more. Then he really missed her and they got back together, had years of IVF and now have a baby.

Not sure she thought they would get back together though, while they were apart, and it would have been a high-risk strategy.

[Mumsyblouse]

Lots of people are saying he's been honest, but he hasn't been rushing forward with the information in two years that actually he is just fine with having a younger partner and all the positives that go with that, but just won't entertain in any way having another child.

It may be honest, but it's not very kind. It is fairly obvious that if you are with a younger person, some conversations about how they might or might not like to have children may have been in order and I find it significant that the OP didn't broach it herself for a long time either, perhaps suspecting the truth of the matter.

Sometimes people do not have exactly the same desire for a child, I know several older men with younger women who, perhaps in a different world, have already had one family and wouldn't all things being equal, had a second family. But most seem to have realised that by choosing a younger women, having a family is at least on the table and have been happy to go ahead with that if it is very important to their partner. I'm sure one of my good friend's husband's wouldn't have been searching around to have another child in his late-forties, but she made it very clear from the outset (unlike the OP for the reason I suspect) that she would want a child- they have one, lovely cherished child and he is a great second time dad.

I would leave this relationship, because the man is saying he doesn't want to get married or have a child despite how important those things are to the person he supposedly adores and to not even have any flexibility or discussion two years in- basically you either like it or lump it. I would lump it and go and find someone else.

[MotherofBear]

I may have missed it, but I can't see that you've said you've told him you do want kids. Have you actually had a proper conversation about it, or has he just told you he doesn't want any more?

My DP doesn't want more, I'm not completely sure. We've talked about it, and agreed to discuss it again in a few months. I know that's not the same situation as yours, but we both care about each other enough to talk about it and think about what the other one wants/doesn't want.

If you haven't had a real, proper, heartfelt discussion then you need to do that before making any other decisions.

[LittlePeaPod]

Op I think you need to decide what is most important in your life. A child or a childless life but still with your DP. What matters is that you never wake up and regret how your life panned out. If children are important to you then you may need to accept that this relationship isnt the one for you regardless of how you feel.

Kewcumber I am on the other side of your experience. My DH always said he never want children and never wanted to get married. He was so adamant that even his parents had resigned themselves to never having grandchildren from him. He had several relationships prior to us meeting and some ended because his DPs at the time wanted marriage, children or some form of commitment. We met when he was 37 I was 33 and he has always said that he knew from the moment we met he would marry me and we would have a family. We are married and our DD is due 2nd January. So I agree with you point that sometimes people (men and women) change their view on this depending on their partner.