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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

isn't a bit of 'benign' neglect' a better parenting approach than helicopter parenting ?

128 replies

calopene · 22/09/2013 23:33

.....By that I meaning giving kids a bit of responsability to do their own thing , helping them put up withand develop a bit of resilience to situations which are difficult/ uncomfortable. Also exposingthem to a bit of problem solving etc. Kids thrive when not cossetted/controlled and 'protected' to within an inch of their lives.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 23/09/2013 14:09

Indeed, morethanpotatoprints Smile.

I have seen English and other foreign parents get on their high horse in France and refuse to help their DC with homework on imported cultural principle. Poor DC...

Bonsoir · 23/09/2013 14:11

ivykaty - you are missing the point. This is another culture. The homework is designed for DC to receive adult input at home. The annual parent teacher meeting at the start of the year explains what the school will do, what the parents (or whomever they outsource to) will do and what the DC will do.

Some teachers are employed by busy working parents as "homework supervisors". Common practice.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 23/09/2013 14:14

I don't answer homework questions or explain what they should already know.
I will happily look over finished work, or suggest different resources to use if they are struggling with something but mine are both doing GCSEs this year and quite honestly I expect them to pay attention to what they are taught and understand it. Or ask questions during the class.

IMHO neglect would be, in this instance, not having any interest, any suggestions on how to improve, not looking over the homework, not being aware of what they are doing.

Telling them that you are not going to answer the questions for them, or teach them what they were supposed to be listening to in class is not neglectful.

I tell my DCs that if they really honestly do not have a clue what it is they are supposed to do, or how to find out, then they need to go back to the teacher the following day and ask her if she/he can go over it again at lunch or after school, so they understand.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 23/09/2013 14:15

Wow, must suck for kids in France who have FT working parents who cannot afford homework supervisor or ill parents or illiterate parents or dyslexic parents or disabled parents.

wordfactory · 23/09/2013 14:15

If DC go to their parent with a question, I can't imagine how it would be helicopering to answer! Why on earth would homework be in a different category?

Bonsoir · 23/09/2013 14:16

Yes, candycoated. It sucks.

ivykaty44 · 23/09/2013 14:19

then it is not homework but sounds like tutoring at home - is it not?

morethanpotatoprints · 23/09/2013 14:23

I am all for autonomous education, my dd is H.ed however, if she doesn't understand what the question is asking her to do I will explain. This is exactly the same as I did for their brothers.
It isn't always a case of listening in class, sometimes homework questions aren't explained as the teacher doesn't have time. Younger children can forget, even between their last class and arriving home.
I don't agree in doing it for them, in fact truth be known I only believe in hw to recap learning that has already taken place, not new concepts.
But if dc must do it, surely it makes sense for them to know what it is they are to do, in the absence of a teacher to explain it falls on the parents, imo.
I am dyslexic and have never struggled to explain a hw question.

Bonsoir · 23/09/2013 14:24

No it's not tutoring. It is work that builds very significantly on things seen in class - but generally expects the DC to go beyond what was done in class (hence the need to ask questions and have explanations).

The sharing of roles between school and home varies wildly from culture to culture... as anyone who has moved around a bit will be able to testify!

ivykaty44 · 23/09/2013 14:26

I will happily write in dd's book that she does not understand homework but first she is always made to explain to me in detail what it is she doesn't understand - usually as she explains in detail the homework it becomes clear ( this is usually the case with math)

I have time and will listen but I will not give an answer to a question just because i know the answer.

Bonsoir · 23/09/2013 14:28

The dreaded dictée préparée is a case in point. Each dictation covers various grammar points seen in class, but parents are expected to help the DC identify which points are being used at what point in the dictation, and to revise both those points as well as helping the DC to learn the dictation (several repetitions necessary). Dictation is marked very harshly in France - one missing accent is -1 (out of 10) so DC need to know it perfectly, and not just by memorising it.

ivykaty44 · 23/09/2013 14:32

bonsoir - I will agree to disagree, as I still think if the parents are expected to be explaining things at home as the dc can't do it by themselves it is tutoring.

morethanpotatoprints · 23/09/2013 14:35

Bonsoir

I know where you are coming from, it is a whole different system to here.
Even with our system I have found contradictions between schools in what is expected from the parents.
One of my ds schools expected us to sign a home school agreement specifying what we were expected to do. My other ds was in the school next door at the same time and no such arrangement was expected and very little hw, compared to other ds school.
I don't think supporting and helping to understand a question is helicoptering.
Doing it for them in our culture, most definitely is.

wordfactory · 23/09/2013 14:35

At least your schools are honest Bonsoir and it sounds as if there is a culture of honesty amongst the parents. Help is expected. Help is given.

Here in the UK, both schools and parents can be highly disingenuous about what is expected. Lots of mixed messages.

NotYoMomma · 23/09/2013 14:47

nothing bigs me more than a kid who can't entertain themselves for even 5 minutes lol

loopyluna · 23/09/2013 14:56

Bonsoir -at primary, I was the mum who let the kids come in and watch TV after études rather than make them get all their homework back out to "check it". (Also the sneery, scornful one who sat smirking and eye rolling at the parent-teacher meetings at the eagerness of the other parents to be so involved. Not really, I just about managed to contain my eye rolls.)

However, suddenly, DS1 was in international section of college, aged 10 and I realised I was going to have to quit my job if he was to stand a chance of getting his igcse. My other kids were neglected, DS was stressed and unhappy and I was at the end of my tether by the end of 5e.
I didn't give up my job but pulled him out of the school and found a smaller, non international but nicer school for him. I did cut back my hours when DD1 started college though.
And we still manage to get at least one piece of homework a month that none of us can manage! Nightmare!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/09/2013 14:59

Making reasoned decision to give them responsibility in a sensible way is better than benign neglect

I know someone who benignly neglects her kids when they are toddlers and one of them had a bashed head almost every day. Not so benign.

I have to helicopter DD though..we literally must hold on to her at all times..a bit of benign neglect would be nice

Bonsoir · 23/09/2013 15:20

loopyluna - "And we still manage to get at least one piece of homework a month that none of us can manage! Nightmare!"

The maths! The physics! DP is a whizz at both but my goodness!

hardboiledpossum · 23/09/2013 16:07

I suspect that i could be described as a helicopter parent. I fussed and cooed over my ds when he was a baby, mostly because i got so much pleasure from interacting with him. Now he is a toddler i go around.d the park with him, sliding down the slide with him. Not because i am scared of him falling over or hurting himself but because he likes me being with him. I think it's hard to get the balance perfect and i would rather be guilty of over parenting than under parenting.

poppingin1 · 23/09/2013 16:13

My mother is a genuine 'helicopter parent', and I have one sibling left at home who is struggling in almost every aspect of day to day life because of my mothers constant micro managing and overbearing behaviour.

It can be VERY damaging in my personal experience.

However, if the OP really does leave her 6 year old to get the tube with older children then that is just bonkers to me and I do think her/ his view of what 'helicopter parenting' actually is may be a little skewed.

biryani · 23/09/2013 16:35

I always feel my "style" of parenting stands out, and I have always felt slightly "neglectful" compared with other parents. This is mainly to do with the fact that I am an older parent and that things have changed so much since I was little, growing up as I did in a fairly rough-and-ready, but close, community.

For example, it was the norm to send children out to the shop for stuff, and I remember getting cigarettes from our little local shop at the age of about 5. No-one did up their seatbelts, although most did not have cars. We all went to school on our own from the age of 6. Mothers didn't work but did not hover over their children. We could be independent because there was always someone at home to go back to. No-one got involved with schools; that was seen as interfering.

To my eyes, children have become more labour-intensive as parents, particularly mothers, have got busier. I am not particularly busy compared with other parents, but they do far more "helicoptering"than I do. It's as if they feel the need to look the part of a "good" parent, perhaps because they feel guilty about working?

Original poster
calopene · 23/09/2013 16:43

BONSOIR's point is a good one as it shows up cultural diversity......in France/french system close support at home with homework IS the baseline expected. Do it yourself/provide tutor but to do nothing or just provide refreshments and Quiet space as is norm in UK would bé considered 'not good enough'. A difference I have experienced myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
calopene · 23/09/2013 16:45

Other cultures /different socail classes do have different parenting styles. Some vast (like acceptance of corporal punishment ) and some smaller.

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 23/09/2013 16:48

I'm noticing a theme in calopene's posts. Wink

MrsOakenshield · 23/09/2013 16:51

I think at the toddler stage, where we are at now, I am more BN than others I know - for example, from about age 2 I let DD climb all over, standing with her but not holding on, encouraging her to do it for herself. These days she gets very cross if I try to help her, she wants to do it by herself; similarly if I'm not sure about her doing something she'll say 'but I can try, can't I, Mummy' which does make me feel proud of her.

Again, if she does have a tumble, I don't rush over, I look at her, smile, say 'what are you doing down there?!' - 9 times out of 10 because it's nothing serious she just giggles, picks herself up and dusts herself off; if it is serious (which usually I can tell) she'll then cry and it's cuddles all round. But others I see swoop down on their DC as soon as they hit the grass and there's tears every time. Each to their own but I don't think that's helpful.

The French system of homework does sound rather odd but I guess at least it's upfront - parents are expected to help. Here it must be hard to know how much input there has been, and it sounds like parents have differing views anyway of what 'help' they should give. After all, having parents who provide you with somewhere quiet and a table and chair - that's more 'help' than a lot of children will get.