isn't a bit of 'benign' neglect' a better parenting approach than helicopter parenting ?

[calopene]

.....By that I meaning giving kids a bit of responsability to do their own thing , helping them put up withand develop a bit of resilience to situations which are difficult/ uncomfortable. Also exposingthem to a bit of problem solving etc. Kids thrive when not cossetted/controlled and 'protected' to within an inch of their lives.

In some cases it is, if you have a nanny and several au pairs like some people I know then you are not around to be a helicopter or benignly neglectful

I don't have the confidence to benignly parent in the UK because I don't think we have a culture of looking out for children communally;

I think that is a catch 22

It did used to happen in the UK until roughly 40 years ago, then things changed due to mostly the media.

there wouldn't be any reason why things couldn't change back to the way they were. If more and more parents were to let their children walk alone to school - then it would become the norm like it is in other northern european countries where there are also plenty of traffic. Once the balance changes it then become hard for parents not to allow walking to school alone. Now though a child asking to walk to school alone si met with resistance as no other parent allows it and the parent doesn't want to be judged.

My eldest dd walked to school alone form the age of 7 and a lot of her friends also did. 6 years later I was judged for letting dd2 do the same at 8 as most of dd2 friends were not allowed to walk alone from similar distance to dd1's friends.

I never think of either bengin neglect or helicopter in terms of parenting mostly because I never have a moments thought about what other parents think of me.
I am encouraging my DD to be independent, self sufficient and able to identify potentially risky situations.
I am stricter than some and not as strict as others. But some of this is also due to different children I am lucky to have a confident, outgoing, mostly responsible child so I can give her more independence and responsibility than some other children of her age.

There are some really interesting/thought provoking comments on here from both perspectives - thank you. Am looking forward to reading in detail this evening after work ! I am NOT interested in (he snipes from some posters from another thread I was on. Move on folks or engage in what's a pretty interesting discussion

Bonsoir deeply engrained habits may well make things easier to stick to.

I am the product of a sparkling home, from-scratch cooking and extremely high educational standards.So yes, these are things that are very normal for me to adhere to and expect to achieve in my own life.

But that doesn't make them less time consuming or requiring little effort. The reality is that all these tasks don't look after themselves.

Pretending otherwise is just plain daft and I'm never certain why people do it? Women in particular. Why do they want to give the impression that they're not trying?

You hear it here all the time on MN. High standards, ambitions, hard work...they're all seen as rather dubious. Achievements through anyhting but natural talent are seen as inferior and will crumble to dust in due course .

calopena You do know that a.) if you post something bonkers, you will be remembered for it and b.) that you can't dictate what other people choose to post on your thread???

sorry calopene...

But of course you are quicker and do more easily those things which are deeply engrained and well-practiced. I can make a three course nourishing meal out of fresh ingredients while simultaneously supervising and/or answering questions on three levels of homework in three languages, laying the table and cleaning up after myself in the kitchen and I find it quite relaxing. That's because they are all deeply engrained habits I can call upon simultaneously with ease.

bonsoir but why are you answering questions about homework - is it your homework or your dc homework?

I think you are on a hiding to nothing asking people to not remember your previous thread OP. The devil of everything is in the detail, in parenting styles as well as everything else. Tangible examples are exactly what has to be discussed, not airy-fairy identification with a general approach- one person's benign neglect is not anothers, one child's walk to school may be much more dangerous than anothers. I don't think you can create a general rule about these things.

I don't know anyone in RL who uses the term 'benign neglect', and I know parents with many different approaches. I only knew the term from MN. In fact come to think of it I only know the helicopter term from MN too.

I only really discuss any parenting 'style' on here, it's not something that I actually tend to talk about or compare out in the real world IYSWIM, apart from with DH of course.

For us, I think we had an idea of how we wanted to parent when we started a family, and it's only since reading MN that it became labelled with a term, if that makes sense?

TBH I would probably be a bit more benignly neglectful if I could, certainly giving my DCs a bit more freedom outdoors, but I have a lot of anxiety issues and the panic sets in. We are lucky to have lots of woodland around though so at least they do get a lot of time outdoors. I suspect I will find it harder as they grow with stuff like walking to school alone.

So I try to do my bit (or not) when it comes to giving them plenty of opportunities for leading their own play. Not to say I don't do the odd activity with them, but i don't think the constant baking/painting/etc "Quality Time" ideal (which a lot of people out pressure on themselves to achieve) is as important as just normal day to day life. That's what families are built on IMO. Sorry went off on a tangent there.

Bonsoir- I am clearly another class of parent then, I find this an effort and a strain, the shopping, cooking, cleaning, house management, finding time for homework- at the end of a busy day it's too much for me. I don't think this is related to class whatsoever, and any training I had was clearly not enough!

The DCs' homework - there are always questions (that's the nature of homework in France).

so the homework is for students to ask their parents questions?

No, of course not. But it is often hard and requires additional explanation.

So you are explaining the homework for your dc as they don't understand the homework?

How does this help your dc?

In France, that is the nature of homework. Which is why (a) the children of teachers do so spectacularly well at school (b) there is a massive home tutor industry. But clever educated parents are also useful!

Pity those DC who get none of the above.

So the student is doing really well if they don't understand the homework and need to ask for help as they don't understand the homework?

Seems crazy that the nature of homework is to not understand it.

I am not going to bother to explain again . That's the system. It's hardly relevant to the thread to discuss its merits.

you helicopter your dc homework - so yes it is relevant

It's not helicoptering. If there is no adult to provide support, it's neglect. In-home support is the base standard.

I spent the day with some friends and their baby recently - about 6mo. They ignored him, pretty much. Not entirely, of course, but they didn't coo over him or make a fuss constantly. It was refreshing and the baby was so contented in his own space.

conversely, I sat behind a couple with a baby about 1yo last night - they constantly made a fuss of him and he played up constantly, 'performing to an audience'.

But wouldn't anybody help their dc if they didn't understand a homework question? it's not exactly doing it for them.
Also some teachers are really snotty if the dc don't understand and haven't attempted to answer the question.
Sometimes kids are given detention for this. if they can't ask a parent, who can they ask?

it is helicopter parenting , it is not neglect to let your dc do their own homework. but you can't help yourself form saying no to helping as you don't want your dc to fail

if you constantly answer all the questions your dc will not learn where to look for the answers other than asking a parent and there are plenty of other places to look.