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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my first boyfriend from years ago (1996-98) that it was NOT ok what he did to me?

86 replies

JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:23

I have seen his mobile number on the net. selling a dirty big house locally

I want to tell him it is not ok that he attempted to rape me and went on to take me Sad me ultimately without permission Angry

He is married now with two kids and a gorgeous successful wife (apparantly) whilst what he did to me, held me back somewhat. I guess I am a bit jealous and sad all mixed in.

I do not really want to hurt him but he has NOOOOOOOOOOOOO idea how much his abusivess scarred me and I just wish I could tell himjust once it woud not do any good but wish that in an ideal world it would Angry

He would think I was mad anyway so I wont. but I wish I COULD :(

He assaulted me and It still hurts even though I am blissfully married. He stole from me and I don't know how to let it go.

Forgive me for venting. I am sad tonight about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:24

Ps. nothing like a bit of honesly on mumsnet is there

PPs. wish I knew HOW to let it go - was so bloody long ago now but it still pains me that I was stolen from :(

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 22/09/2013 02:30

I'm sorry that happened to you.
Perhaps some counselling would help?

I have a similar story to yours and had never really thought of it, until recently and now its really playing on my mind so I know how you feel.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:32

its the injustice of it which is hurting me.

I cannot for the life of me work out why

I am soooooooooooo sad about my stolen innocence

I am not sure about counsellling tbh

ps. IM sorry about your experience, hugs, pps how are you?

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 22/09/2013 02:33

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TheAwfulDaughter · 22/09/2013 02:34

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Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:36

not a bad idea awful !

no I haven't as partly blame myself for being a stupid naive kid at the time, which is of course, bloody stupid.

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 22/09/2013 02:36

On the whole I'm fine, and I'm not necessarily upset by what happened, I'm more finding myself wondering if what happened was rape or not, I don't know why its suddenly playing on my mind.

It is horrible having things happen to you, big or small, that you struggle to get over though, espessially when you know the chances are the person who did it to you probably doesn't even realise the damage or potential damage they caused!

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2013 02:36

The only reason I'd advise not to say anything was because I'd be worried about what it'd do to you, but then if it's eating you up inside there must be options between giving him a verbal kicking in the nads, and nothing.

It's possible he looks back on his behaviour and is ashamed, I know I am of quite a lot of mine in the late 90's.

If this isn't going away, does that say it won't until you've done something?

Have you told anyone else? Family or your GP etc?

It's such a huge injustice you're shouldering, I wish I knew how you could come to terms (?) with what happened to you.

It doesn't matter how much time has passed when it's something traumatic, he'd still deserve to have his mobile number hawked about on revenge posters everything he got.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:37

as no no deserves to be sexually assauled especially a 16 year old kid

fucker that he was

Angry
OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/09/2013 02:39

X-posts, it's not your fault you knew less than you do today.

It was wholly his responsibility, all his.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:41

thank you guys for listening

can I give you all his number ? Wink

I am the same. was it rape? was it not? Sad

It was not loving sex thats for sure and I never said yes - he took me

I feel robbed wahhhhhhhhhh

and angry [angy]

and sad cos I can't get myself back and he doesn't give a flying fuck and is now wayyyyyyyyyyyyy more successful than me and I am left carrying the baggage

I think I hate him, thats terrible isnt it

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 22/09/2013 02:41

Absolutely agree with agent. Not your fault in the slightest.

Lj8893 · 22/09/2013 02:44

Not terrible to hate him. Except by carrying that hatred the only person your affecting is you, so somehow you need to give yourself some sort of healing closure.

Again I suggest counselling but there may be some other ideas from other posters.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:44

I guess it was his responsibility

I wish I could go back and actually support myself and make myself stay safe

dysnfunction in my home and life did not help [sigh]

soooooooo many vulnerable girls like I was

Sooooo many chancers like him

I see the statistic that 1 in 3 women have been raped or sexually assaulted, I do pray it is not true.

I wish I could do more to support others. I wish he lived in another country and his ubber successful doctor wife hurts me too as she is so fantastic and his house for sale is so mahoosive

I am not even materialistic but all of that crap hurts cos ultimately he is a thief Angry

ignore me if I am being silly, gah Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:47

it is not like my present life is crap

I just feel dirty and that he got away scott free

The worst thing is, I thought I loved him

I am not alone in this I know but man sexual assault and rape are horrid horrid experiences - and I am tough (in some peoples eyes)

not underneath tho

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 22/09/2013 02:52

My friend has reported a rape to the police a couple of months ago. It happened more than twenty years ago. The man who raped her is dead now.

She is pleased she did it as she said it was the first time that she had talked about it properly and she said that being believed and listened to and validated was invaluable for coming to terms with what happened.

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2013 02:53

It's much easier to live with contempt and indifference than anger I've found.

You really do beat yourself up about this though, thinking you're silly and terrible for feeling how you do.

You've got every fucking right to feel however the fuck you do about him.

16? Very, very young Sad

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:54

HI savoy

brave lady - hug your friend from me.

I don;t think I have the balls to do that nor the energy

the thing is, I think I hate myself just as much for being vulnerable at that time

tho In reality I want to scoop myself up and kiss me better too.

Hate that I can't go back and change anything and that my precious virginity was taken and not given :(

OP posts:
Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:57

it was young agent wasnt it?

I had never even felt a boy or had one feel me when he drugged and assaulted me.

I woke up mid way through and the horror lives with me

what bothers me tho is once he had done that, I thought ah well I am ruined goods and let myself 'bond' to him tho hated sex

It was a stockholm type relationship and it has screwed my brain

I am so glad i have precious dh who adores me and honours me

thank god for small mercies.

I feel somehow complicit but i WASNT :( and tonight it is keeping me awake :(

OP posts:
DoJo · 22/09/2013 02:59

Was he older than you or would he potentially have been a bit naive and uncertain? I'm not for a moment excusing what he did, but could it possibly help you to think that maybe he looks back on it with regret as well, and wishes that he had done things differently?

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 03:02

he was my age and very into porn

I don't think he regrets it

when he kicked me to the kerb I was a broken wreck and he walked on laughing

I met him a year or so after and he said 'shall we have a shag for old times sake?'

I felt like vomitting

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/09/2013 03:06

Were the drugs something he gave to you without you knowing?

That would say he'd planned it if he did, I'm not saying it's any better/worse than you talking about the drugs being a toak on something you'd chosen to have, but that would mean it wasn't the first time he'd done it and it wouldn't be the last.

It'd evolved into his MO.

No grey areas there.

DoJo · 22/09/2013 03:17

:-( Sorry to hear that - it sounds like he was already a piece of work even at that age, which is a shame as you were obviously just very unlucky to come across him when you were obviously more vulnerable. But it sounds as though you could use some help coming to terms with the situation - you don't seem keen on counselling, but is there anyone who you could really talk about it with and explore your feelings a little more in the hope of at least being able to compartmentalise them.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 09:14

morning,

no he was dope smoker and got me to try some that initial night

Before then I was a goody two shoes

had dinner together too that night - twas the first time any male had ever cooked me dinner I was so happy

next thing I knew I was coming in and out of consciousness on the floor with him trying to penetrate me Shock

drugged dinner who knows?

You know I think I will contact see about counselling - I am worth it.

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 22/09/2013 09:31

I would say you was raped. He had sex without you being a position to consent.

Flowers this wasn't any of your fault and I hope you can get some real life support.

It is often the case that a rapist will twist it around so the one that was raped feels dirty and It was somehow their fault. Which isn't the case.