to want to tell my first boyfriend from years ago (1996-98) that it was NOT ok what he did to me?

[JesuslovesmethisIknow]

I have seen his mobile number on the net. selling a dirty big house locally

I want to tell him it is not ok that he attempted to rape me and went on to take me me ultimately without permission

He is married now with two kids and a gorgeous successful wife (apparantly) whilst what he did to me, held me back somewhat. I guess I am a bit jealous and sad all mixed in.

I do not really want to hurt him but he has NOOOOOOOOOOOOO idea how much his abusivess scarred me and I just wish I could tell himjust once it woud not do any good but wish that in an ideal world it would

He would think I was mad anyway so I wont. but I wish I COULD :(

He assaulted me and It still hurts even though I am blissfully married. He stole from me and I don't know how to let it go.

Forgive me for venting. I am sad tonight about it.

Jessie I absolutely agree with you.

Virginity threads are incredibly difficult. Reclaiming as you suggest at least makes one's first time humdrum, not traumatic.

No, no, there were no "blurred lines"! He didn't just take advantage of an easy target- although I think that's wrong too.

I don't want to trigger things, but there's no semi-hemi-demi-plausible excuses here.

He realised that his sixteen-year-old girlfriend didn't feel ready to have sex, so he knocked her out.

This was unequivocally wrong. Trying to have sex with someone you've drugged or someone who is drugged to the point of unconsciously means you're having sex with someone incapable of consent. It's rape and it was rape back then. Anything you did or didn't do in the next two years after that is nothing compared to what he did to start with.

Jessie, I know youre right, so why do I find it difficult not to accept some of the responsibility
Is this normal?

ps. thanks for your posts guys and I am sorry some of you have suffered in the same way as me

hi op so sorry you have been through this as so many others of us have to a greater or lesser degree.

you could knock on his door and tell him exactly how you feel. you could tell his wife, you could tell the police, you could write him a letter and post it, you could just vent on mumsnet and that might actually make you feel cleansed and strong again.

the point is its YOUR choice now and not his to make. you are in charge and you do what will make you feel better.

youre right.

How I deal with this is my choice - a great analogy and strengthening too.

I feel comforted that I am not alone tho sad and shocked that soooo many of us have had these potentially devastating experiences.

I didn't know they were quite so common and have never understood why they have taken me so long to get over.

we are brought up to be too nice and retiring I think.

in the 70s when I grew up girls/ women knew their place. you didn't argue with boys. you were grateful for the attention.

my daughters are not to be messed with.

sometimes you need to face the past and tell it/him exactly how you feel now.

OP I just want to say I really really feel your pain. There was a thread quite a while ago about what people would say to their exes if they could which I ended up having a total rant on. Mine, like yours, sexually assaulted me several times and I wish now (some 12 years later) that I could tell him what damage he did but I never would because he's a complete psycho.

My lovely DP tries to be understanding about why I simply cannot have a penis near my face without completely freaking out. It makes me wish I could tell that fucker what he took away from me.

Hugs to you OP, you are not alone xx

In our culture as it is, sadly it's normal. I believe that there could be a day when victims never blame themselves, but we're not there yet.

I'm afraid I can't help you with how not to blame yourself- it's like a burst pipe. Blame keeps welling up from somewhere.

I didn't stop blaming myself until I approached the person concerned. First of all, he told me what he'd thought was happening at the time and then he told me that he believed me and that he was sorry that he'd been such a fool at the time. We ended up sobbing together over it, and he kept telling me that it was his fault, and I should never have blamed myself.

I'm afraid I don't see such a positive resolution for you; I would not approach your rapist and TGHAE (thank god he's an ex). My incident, although upsetting for me, really did involve teenage confusion and ineptness on his part. There was no intention there, which is why he accepted responsibility for the actual effect so readily.

Your ex sounds like a bastard.

Dont. Time has gone. Instead take a blank piece of paper and write him a letter, dont hold back just write everything we want to say to him. Let all that hurt out. Then......burn or shred that letter. Xxxxxx

You have a family now. Let the past stay they. Its hard sometimes but let it go. Sorry he was a toad to you. X

Stay there not they.

Que you poor thing.

I hope the male nurse was castrated caught and dealt with

Hugs

I know exactly what I will say if I ever bump into THAT ex of mine. He will try to be friends, and pretend like nothing ever happened. And I will say "why on earth would I want to talk to you? The man who mentally, emotionally and physically abused me for a year, and then accused me of cheating, and then raped me?". I'm kind of hoping I get to say it in front of a room full of people we know.

It is so hard to let go. I know I should, but it's hard.

You will be ok, you will. And you will get through it.

I would contact him on a throwaway SIM card, not to tell him how he made you feel or anything, because filth like that wouldn't actually care, and it might even please him in some creepy rapist way. But just to tell him something with the word 'rapist' in it. Along with maybe 'scum'.
I recently contacted a former bully (I know, not the same thing at all) and told them what they did caused me abject misery for years. I didn't care about their reply I just wanted them to take some of the feelings I had and not get away 'scot free'. (They apologised, incidentally, not that I give a shit)
I'm sorry he did that to you. Do look into counselling, so he no longer affects any aspect of your life or headspace.

I too went out with the man who took my virginity without my consent. Kind of messes with your head doesn't it? To not be able to understand why you would react like that. It seems there are a lot of us who were put under pressure or forced to have sex, I really hope that things have moved on today. I remember a lot of boys 20 years ago ago were so so desperate to sleep with you/anyone. It didn't matter who, they just wanted to be able to say they had done it.

It did make me a little better at saying 'no'. I hope you can put your demons to rest OP.

Thanks guys.

and yes, I too like to think things have changed but I fear they have not.

Ps. thanks for sharing your stories with me, this thread has made me feel more empowered in a way.... and definitely less alone.

You're not alone...hugs to all on this thread.

I have drafted an anonymous text

not sure if going to send it but would you guys do me the honour of reading it?

Dear X
Remember me? I am the teenage girl, now grown, whom you groped and fingered and tried to have sex with when she was stoned and unable to consent. Ultimately, months after, you took me anyway - I just want you to know, It was not what I wanted. You never asked me if I consented? You took me - and on my parent's floor - what girl wants that as a memory of her first time? I did not know how to say no to you. You were far too full on, all the time. It damaged me emotionally and I never enjoyed anything sexual with you - ever. I have chosen however, to forgive you for not honoring my young body. Please teach you children to honor their partners, in the way you did not for me. Your actions really damaged me but I thank God that I am now free, totally in love, sexually fulfilled and have a beautiful family. We are both free now. Sincerely, ME.

What do you think

None of it was your fault.

Ok you had smoked drugs that night, look at it this way if I was to take strong sleeping tablets would it be ok for my husband to have sex with me? Of corse not because I wouldn't be in a fit state to consent.

I almost want to ask one of you to send the text for me

but then if he replied and said MAD BINT I would not want to know...

arghhh.

I am thinking it would be cathartic to say it once,even if he did think I was mad,surely it would make him think?

Or am I being too generous with my assumptions

Honey, I am so sorry that man hurt you. You expressed yourself beautifully in your text. You can choose to send it or not. When I was healing from an assault I wrote a letter to the person who attacked me. I did not send it, I burned it and threw the ashes into a lake. I think it helped.

I am sending you tonnes of healing thoughts. You are a brave young woman.xx