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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my first boyfriend from years ago (1996-98) that it was NOT ok what he did to me?

86 replies

JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/09/2013 02:23

I have seen his mobile number on the net. selling a dirty big house locally

I want to tell him it is not ok that he attempted to rape me and went on to take me Sad me ultimately without permission Angry

He is married now with two kids and a gorgeous successful wife (apparantly) whilst what he did to me, held me back somewhat. I guess I am a bit jealous and sad all mixed in.

I do not really want to hurt him but he has NOOOOOOOOOOOOO idea how much his abusivess scarred me and I just wish I could tell himjust once it woud not do any good but wish that in an ideal world it would Angry

He would think I was mad anyway so I wont. but I wish I COULD :(

He assaulted me and It still hurts even though I am blissfully married. He stole from me and I don't know how to let it go.

Forgive me for venting. I am sad tonight about it.

OP posts:
grobagsforever · 22/09/2013 09:37

I'd tell.him and his wife. She has a right to know who she married. Evil.hateful man.

Roshbegosh · 22/09/2013 09:44

Awful OP, so sad for you x.

Don't be fooled by how he looks on FB.

PresidentServalan · 22/09/2013 16:08

Same happened to me at 15 (it's how I lost my virginity)

I still see the guy in my area but I just blank him. Everyone deals with this differently. I can understand you wanting to do this but it may make you feel worse, iyswim.

longagosecret · 22/09/2013 16:42

Namechanged. Almost the same thing happened to me 33 years ago and I have never told anyone, it almost feels like I was sleepwalking then, it actually never occured to me to say anything.

He was my first boyfriend and I broke up with him, and he didn't like it. I don't think about it often, almost never,it's really only threads like this that bring it up. But I have googled him recently. He is divorced and a company director, he has done a lot of good things for the environment. A good upstanding man.

I feel sad sometimes looking at my lovely partner of 20 years, that i have such a secret. sometimes if the subject of rape comes up at all I think "just open your mouth and spit it out" but I never will.

sorry that this happened to you OP I have no advice.

Itstartshere · 22/09/2013 16:58

I'm so sorry you were raped. It was rape.

I think the best thing you could do would be to go and have some counselling, it can be really helpful.

Bedtime1 · 22/09/2013 17:23

Are you not getting on in your life? What's things like ? Maybe it's linked in with you not getting on in life. You can do it though and one day you might have that big house. The worlds your oyster!

SavoyCabbage · 22/09/2013 23:32

Definitely see about the counselling. You saying that you are worth it reminds me of my friend. She too felt like she wasn't worth the bother. Counselling made a big difference to her. Do it! Grin

giraffescantdanceallnight · 22/09/2013 23:34

What a bastard :(

BitBewildered · 22/09/2013 23:48

What an awful thing Sad. Please don't blame your very young self any more. It wasn't your fault.

You are carrying this around inside you, and I think somehow you need to expel it. Whether that is by telling him, or counselling, or whatever, it is definitely better externalised.

Kveta · 23/09/2013 05:04

My first boyfriend raped me too. It has taken me 14 years to be comfortable admitting that - and a fair amount of counselling, anti depressants, and support from my lovely dh.

I have friends in common with my ex boyfriend, and know he has gone on to join the army, do a PhD, and get married. However, I now hold him in utter contempt rather than fear or jealousy, and it has made me feel a lot less worthless.

Counselling is definitely worth a try xx

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 25/09/2013 09:02

Thanks guys

Kveta, I am sooooo sorry that happened to you and I am so glad that you are doing so well now.

I think the issue in part for me was that it was my 'virginity' and you can't get it back type thing?

I feel better having even spoken to you all on this thread - like a bit of the pain has lifted (for some reason?)

and I have emailed re counselling - they are phoning me back.

so, all baby steps in the RIGHT direction

xxx Thank you for your support and listening to me

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 25/09/2013 09:08

contacting him is very risky, as he might react in a way that upsets you even more.

would conselling help you mkove on from this OP? I think work on "you", and try and forget him

I am not condoning what he did, but there is a chance that (a) he is still fucking arsehole and (b) he will react badly, and make you even more upset xxx

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 25/09/2013 09:12

yeah have decided not to contact him. I wasnt really that in to the idea just WANTED some freedom from this pain.

The thing is, I don't think he probably has turned into a fucking arsehole, that's the thing, he probably is a really nice husband, dad and boss. Cos that's the reality isn't it. People sometimes DO bad things but are not ALL bad?

I am going to work on myself, you are right. And not look like a loon contacting him as I bet he would not think it was rape or non consensual anyway and the way he threw me away before, I would not want to place myself in the position of being dismissed again.

thats what I am thinking today, anyway! lol

(I change with the wind)

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 25/09/2013 09:23

Hi OP. It looks like you've had some really helpful advice on this thread and that you've taken positive stepsto help you work past this. I think it's absolutely your right to decide what to do and no one can make that decision apart from you.

I just wanted to share something I read somewhere once, and I'm sorry I can't properly reference it. It said that abusers (ANY abusers, not just sexual abuse but parents who beat their child for example) tends to rewrite history in their memory and often end up genuinely thinking they have done nothing wrong. People who have then gone on to face their abusers years after the event have sometimes found it to be a very dissatisfactory experience because their abusers won't ever accept, understand or even believe that they were ever abusive in the first place. This denial of history can cause the victim even more pain and their feelings about their abuse don't get resolved.

What he did was NOT RIGHT at all. If you want to confront him we would all support you. I'm sure we'd come along for moral support if you needed. But a confrontation may not bring the resolution you may hope for.

Mumsyblouse · 25/09/2013 09:29

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Of course he raped you- you didn't consent to have sex! I hope you take some of the advice on this thread. But don't ever doubt that his karma will be coming right around. He knows he did wrong, he planned it, it was calculated. I hope you find some resolution through counselling- even starting this thread makes it 'real' and may help. Best of luck.

Kinnane · 25/09/2013 09:43

Remember he has to live with what he has done, for ever!!!! I would never contact him. You don't know what he has become or what he might be mixed-up in now and he might search you out and destroy the good life you have now. As others have said counselling would help but you could also just love the life you have and enjoy every moment, don't waste it.

Sleepgrumpydopey · 25/09/2013 10:24

Maybe house on market as he's getting divorced? Or can't pay mortgage and is down sizing ?

Karma will catch up with him xxx

Thanks
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 25/09/2013 10:33

Karma won't catch up with him, the concept of Karma is bullshit. Chances are he's swanned through life never thinking about what happened.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 25/09/2013 11:54

I am not sure I believe in karma either

on saying that, I do believe in the biblical principle that you reap what you sew, so thats kinda similar isn't it!

You know what I want most? I want his own boys to be taught to treat women better than he treated me. Thats what i really want. If he could do this I would be happy. Then the cycle is stopped.

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 25/09/2013 12:28

That was rape. He made sure you weren't even conscious enough to be able to say no and leave the house!

This is only my personal belief, but I hope I can convince you.

For me, it doesn't count as your first time, until you are actually enthusiastically consenting. I had a sort-of similar experience the day some people would say I "lost my virginity". As far as I'm concerned, I didn't.

The hymen shouldn't be of any emotional significance, as it can be broken by tampons, gymnastics, horse-riding and cycling. The important thing is the first time willingly having sex with a partner whom you trust. Rape doesn't count as that, even if your hymen is broken that night.

The cultural belief that having an non-intact hymen makes us worthless is terrible and oppressive, but it is ultimately misogynist nonsense that has silenced millions of rape victims. Nothing was taken from you- he hurt you, but it made him a lesser person. Never, never you.

I'm so sorry that you had such an awful experience, and none of it was your fault. None of it.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 25/09/2013 12:53

jessie.

I think you are right.

(thanks)

OP posts:
Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 25/09/2013 12:59

im cross at myself for letting myself be treated badly. not just those times but others.

I honestly did not have any support tho and did not know, it was not normal. I had no one to talk to (dysfunctional home / set up anyway)

I went out with him for a couple of years afterwards. I had no self esteem.

This is what i find sad too.

I wish I had had the balls that I do now. (well, not balls but you know what I mean.... Wink)

I think he was just over- zealous, wanted sex and saw me as an easy target. I was an easy target but was he bad for taking advantage, thats where my lines get a bit blurred. :/

OP posts:
fairy1303 · 25/09/2013 13:05

It was not your fault.

I know how you feel.

When I was 15 I was groomed by an older man online. We then had a 'relationship'. I often toy with reporting him now or messaging him but it is not worth it.

peachmint · 25/09/2013 15:04

I wouldn't contact him, but do think about reporting it to police.

CostaLady · 25/09/2013 15:21

I'm so sorry you went through this x