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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I've already agreed to compromise so my mother should really stop pushing my buttons?

129 replies

PrincessTeacake · 20/09/2013 17:01

My brother is getting married in two weeks, and in the run-up to the wedding my mother seems to be trying to make me 'normal' which I'm finding really insulting, degrading and pretty depressing.

First off, I decided to make a dress to wear to the wedding because A)I'm broke B) I'm a pretty good seamstress and C) my personal style is vintage-inspired and I'd have more control over the final look of the outfit. My mother was determined to stop me wearing this dress before I'd even started making it. She badgered me for weeks and when I finally got it finished, deemed it too attention grabbing. Same with the two dresses I had altered and was using as back-ups. All three dresses are, in my opinion, fairly classy and in no way gypsy-weddingy. I feel like it doesn't matter what the final product was like, she would have vetoed it anyway.

(the first one is basically a toned down version of this dress, in blue with straps: clothesonfilm.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/The-Great-Gatsby_Carey-Mulligan-dress-full-crop_Photograph-by-Hugh-Stewart-001-360x494.jpg)

I agreed not to wear it in the end because I knew she'd never leave me alone about it. But since I agreed, she's been making a lot of unnecessary jokes about my finished dress to her boyfriend, her sister and my future sister-in-law and I'm getting very annoyed. I wouldn't mind so much if the craftsmanship was off (and she would have been honest if it had been) but she admitted it was well-made.

We're going shopping tomorrow for a new frock and so far, the ones she wants me to get have been awful. Beige, cheap fabric, too short or too much cleavage and just plain tacky. I get the sinking feeling I'm going to end up in something I look awful in and don't feel comfortable in at all.

Also, there's an issue with the colour of my hair. I bleached it and dyed it pink earlier in the year to raise money for charity, since then it's washed out and looks a touch strawberry blonde. I agreed to not put any colour into it until just before the wedding so we could get it back to the original shade. She won't stop going on about how awful it looks to everyone, including the hairdresser as I was making the appointment.

I know it all sounds very petty but it ties in with a lot of dysfunction in our relationship over the years, and everyone tends to take her side because she's the matriarch. I've been seeing less and less of her lately thankfully and after the wedding I'm putting a lot more distance between us. I'm a happy, confident exuberant person most of the time but around her I regress back to an awkward unhappy teenager.

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 21/09/2013 16:58

What does your DB and SIL say? I'm with others - tell her she can have a veto your choice when you can veto hers. Tell her before the wedding as well.

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2013 17:14

When I think of some of the states you see at weddings, wearing the most unsuitable ill-fitting clothes... (I'm going to be nasty here: think of Euan Blair's sister at his wedding) I think if the dress has been 'toned down' a little it will look beautiful.
And if the OP has made it herself, odds are it will fit her too!

It's possibly not a bad idea to run it past the bride-to-be for a second opinion, but if you really don't want to worry that your mother will kick off, go and choose something else. But definitely not with your mother, as she will choose something that is totally unlike a dress you would normally wear and you'll be on edge all day in it.

And keep practising 'Did you mean to be so rude?' so that you can say it with ease every time she opens her mouth!

thegreylady · 21/09/2013 17:21

Wear your dress it is beautiful.

josephinebruce · 21/09/2013 17:42

Your SIL is going to be the centre of attention anyway on the basis of being the bride. Wear what you want - there's no dress code for (most) weddings, thank God!!

BaronessBomburst · 21/09/2013 18:13

My cousin turned up to my wedding (15 years ago) in a blue lace minidress and with her hair dyed bright pink. She looked fantastic. Go for it!

ZingWantsCake · 21/09/2013 18:19

not read thread but my opinion is to wear what you like.

and well done my fellow sewing friend - making a dress is no mean feat!

sorry your mum is being MumZilla.
repeat after me: "If in doubt do what you want to do. That way at least one person is happy "

HarryTheHungryHippo · 21/09/2013 18:36

Thank you pointy

fascicle · 21/09/2013 18:51

Clearly your mother is the issue and not your choice of dress. Sounds like she would criticise something else if she wasn't focusing on your outfit. You can't take responsibility for what she might say to others - that's her problem. In other words, please wear what you like Smile

PrincessTeacake · 22/09/2013 19:30

There's a problem I didn't mention: my mum has an identical twin sister so I got all this criticism in stereo. I'd already agreed not to wear the dress so we went and got a new one. It's black, sequined and short and it's not something I would have picked but I can vintage it up a bit to make it suit my style more, and it's comfortable. I'm still not happy about it but the family being together and happy is very important to my brother and that's more important than how I feel right now.

I doubt I would have been able to get my STBSIL on side, or my brother, both are closer to my mum than to me.

OP posts:
diddl · 22/09/2013 19:37

So your mum approves of a short, black, sequined dress for a wedding?Confused

Will she still approve if you alter it at all??

TheOpposibleThumb · 22/09/2013 20:46

Your mum is horrid, and how dreadful that you have to put up with it in duplicate from her twin. It's kind of you to give in to please your brother on his special day, but in future please stand up for yourself, they have treated you abominably.

Hissy · 22/09/2013 23:29

You cant wear black FGS! your mum is setting you up! You will be the ONLY one wearing black at the wedding and it will look like a massive sleight to the wedding!

Get your DB and SIL on board now and get the dress you want approved by them and put the black sequined binbag where it belongs!

If you can't be sure they will stand up for reason, then fuck em all and wear the dress you want. Is there nobody in your family that is the voice of reason?

IAmNotAMindReader · 23/09/2013 00:04

FGS not black. The pair of them are setting you up to look like a 2 dollar hooker at a funeral. No way. They want everyone else to moan about you so they can agree in all the right places and say you are hopeless.

Also if you alter it in any way including accessories you will also be hopeless, so yes alter it to suit your style more so that you will be comfortable, in fact wear whatever you want to. You are going to be hopeless no matter what. I suspect this wedding is going to be a watershed moment for you sadly.

It doesn't sound much like you get on with any of them. You are the family scapegoat aren't you? No matter what goes wrong in the family you are somehow held responsible.

Go to this, but I'm sure something is going to happen that's going to make you think you either have to accept that role because nothing you do will get them to change their mind about it. Or you quietly slip away and forge your own path away from their criticism, as whatever you do seems to provoke a negative reaction save them the heartache of reacting to you. In reality you'll be saving yourself all the heartache but to them they are breaking their hearts trying to get you to be the best, instead of letting you be, but you just keep fucking it up (standing up for yourself).

DashingRedhead · 23/09/2013 00:10

Vintage up your dress, grit your teeth, keep reminding yourself what a lovely person you are to put up with all this SHIT and promise yourself never to do it again.

MrsKoala · 23/09/2013 00:20

Well i'm a bit of a freak about wedding guest attire, and while i think the dress you linked is lovely, i think it is far too 'showy' for a guest at a wedding. It really is gorgeous tho and well done you for having the skill to make it.

HOWEVER, even with my odd ways i would much rather a guest wore that lovely dress than cheapy black sequins. That is so much more of a faux pas than a slightly ott beautiful blue dress.

What are you planning to add to the outfit to vintage it up?

cumfy · 23/09/2013 02:22

I doubt I would have been able to get my STBSIL on side, or my brother, both are closer to my mum than to me.

So do you think it could be coming from STBSIL ?

IShouldNotBeHere · 23/09/2013 07:52

What?! She thinks that the dress you made isn't appropriate but BLACK is?! Id still go with your dress.

What sort of blue is it?

What a controlling arse!

PrincessTeacake · 23/09/2013 11:41

I think my mum set the pattern for STBSIL by telling her I was planning on making my dress, mentioning that she finds my style very OTT and getting my aunt to agree with her. To make matters worse I had to listen to my aunt brag about getting a statement hat and black opera gloves for her outfit, so she'll probably take the attention off me in my black dress.

I can vintage it up no problem, it's got a flapper thing going on and I have some costume jewellery to give it the 1920's feel, plus I'm having a braided updo. A friend of mine is making my headpiece and she does beautiful work, I clung on to that mightily. I can make this work.

OP posts:
IShouldNotBeHere · 23/09/2013 12:05

Ooh sounds lovely! Sounds like they are jealous of you and the attention your individual and fabulous style gets you, hence them getting you to tone it down but wearing attention grabbing things themselves.

I suppose you need to decide if you are going to allow them (unkind people) to control you (as a fully grown adult)

PrincessTeacake · 23/09/2013 22:35

I'd already decided I was going to try and limit my contact with her, this incident has me more determined to do that than ever. I keep recalling times when she's bullied me into making decisions I wasn't comfortable with because she's aware that I'm a bundle of neuroses and with my fibromyalgia don't have the energy to argue with her.

The only thing I've gotten really firm with her about was when I was to start taking long-term medication and she was completely against it. I had to get a pharmacist friend of mine to back me up. And her solution to my hoarding tendencies was to tell me she was going to get into my house while I was out and throw away everything, because legally she couldn't burn the house down. Why has it taken this long for me to see her for what she is?

OP posts:
IShouldNotBeHere · 24/09/2013 11:48

Just remember that you don't need her agreement on the things you do in your life, whether it be hoarding, taking medication or wearing an amazing dress.

You don't need to CONVINCE her that your decision is the right one. You don't need her approval.

My fil and sil both have the amazing ability to make me justify my actions on pretty much everything I do. I don't know how they do it because I'm not like that with everyone else!

I think it is the instant disapproval face at everything I say or the way they jump in on the attack with criticisms, or the way that they think they have the right to express their opinions on my personal this or that in an aggressive and judgemental way. Or a combination of all these!

I can hear myself justifying things which I really don't need to and I get internally annoyed with myself!

I suppose it must be because I am a pleaser and they always seem displeased, that I try to correct that and make things ok. They do it to my DH too. He is terrified of their disproval yet doesn't even respect it! How does that happen?!

Lately though I have been reminding myself that I actually don't respect their opinion or need to tell them about what is going on in my life, or care what they think. I think I am too polite a lot of the time and want things to be "nice".

I just need to come up with a way to deal with it now. Am I blunt and tell them why their ideas are stupid (which they would react aggressively too), tell them it's none of their business or just do "oh really how interesting" in an icy disinterested voice?

(would help if I wasn't so slow witted)

nickelbabe · 24/09/2013 11:59

please wear your dress, not the one she picked for you.

talk about toxic!

Hissy · 24/09/2013 17:23

Oh lovey, this is so much more than a wedding and a dress.

I think you need a conversation with your brother about the fact that your DM is going to ruin his wedding if he lets her.

Wear the dress you like, do whatever suits you and is best for you and get some real heavy duty support to help you overcome the issues you have with her.

I think the hoarding will most definitely be related to this conflict.

Mimishimi · 25/09/2013 05:05

Is she afraid you might upstage the bride? That dress does look like something she or the bridesmaids might wear.

SmallTorch · 25/09/2013 06:19

I would love to see the actual dress.

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