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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I've already agreed to compromise so my mother should really stop pushing my buttons?

129 replies

PrincessTeacake · 20/09/2013 17:01

My brother is getting married in two weeks, and in the run-up to the wedding my mother seems to be trying to make me 'normal' which I'm finding really insulting, degrading and pretty depressing.

First off, I decided to make a dress to wear to the wedding because A)I'm broke B) I'm a pretty good seamstress and C) my personal style is vintage-inspired and I'd have more control over the final look of the outfit. My mother was determined to stop me wearing this dress before I'd even started making it. She badgered me for weeks and when I finally got it finished, deemed it too attention grabbing. Same with the two dresses I had altered and was using as back-ups. All three dresses are, in my opinion, fairly classy and in no way gypsy-weddingy. I feel like it doesn't matter what the final product was like, she would have vetoed it anyway.

(the first one is basically a toned down version of this dress, in blue with straps: clothesonfilm.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/The-Great-Gatsby_Carey-Mulligan-dress-full-crop_Photograph-by-Hugh-Stewart-001-360x494.jpg)

I agreed not to wear it in the end because I knew she'd never leave me alone about it. But since I agreed, she's been making a lot of unnecessary jokes about my finished dress to her boyfriend, her sister and my future sister-in-law and I'm getting very annoyed. I wouldn't mind so much if the craftsmanship was off (and she would have been honest if it had been) but she admitted it was well-made.

We're going shopping tomorrow for a new frock and so far, the ones she wants me to get have been awful. Beige, cheap fabric, too short or too much cleavage and just plain tacky. I get the sinking feeling I'm going to end up in something I look awful in and don't feel comfortable in at all.

Also, there's an issue with the colour of my hair. I bleached it and dyed it pink earlier in the year to raise money for charity, since then it's washed out and looks a touch strawberry blonde. I agreed to not put any colour into it until just before the wedding so we could get it back to the original shade. She won't stop going on about how awful it looks to everyone, including the hairdresser as I was making the appointment.

I know it all sounds very petty but it ties in with a lot of dysfunction in our relationship over the years, and everyone tends to take her side because she's the matriarch. I've been seeing less and less of her lately thankfully and after the wedding I'm putting a lot more distance between us. I'm a happy, confident exuberant person most of the time but around her I regress back to an awkward unhappy teenager.

OP posts:
DoJo · 20/09/2013 18:55

I think the secret is to stop telling her what you are doing - if she asks about your dress just say you haven't decided yet, if she asks about your hair tell her that you aren't really sure. By sharing the information with her you are giving her a stick to beat you with and it sounds like she needs as few excuses as possible to get on your case so stop giving them to her!

Samnella · 20/09/2013 19:18

Woman up.

Wear the dress and dye your hair bright pink to boot.

Stop being a wuss and tell your mother to jog on .

Hissy · 20/09/2013 20:10

Your brother loves you for you. I assume you get on with him, and your SIL2B. As long as they are happy, your mother can FTFO!

You can tell her that you've made your choice and it's NONE of her business. IF she makes a big song and dance at the Wedding, everyone will consider it's HER that's ruining the wedding and won't ever forgive her for it.

Tell her that you have the wherewithal to pull off whatever dress you wear, however your hair is, and your DB knows this. Tell her if she kicks off you'll do loopy signs behind her back and she'll be the mad bitch that trashed her own son's wedding.

Make her see that she has to STFU now.

HarryTheHungryHippo · 20/09/2013 20:30

The link to your dress isn't working for me Sad

pointythings · 20/09/2013 20:34

Harry try this.

fiatpandababba · 20/09/2013 20:54

Wow! Wear the dress.

fiatpandababba · 20/09/2013 20:54

thanks for the link pointy

Viking1 · 20/09/2013 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teapigging · 20/09/2013 22:01

Dear lord, OP. Neither your mother NOR he bride and groom in any normal wedding scenario get to veto the outfits and hair colour of their guests (obvious madnesses like showing up in a long white dress and veil aside!)

I would be absolutely horrified to think that someone was being browbeaten and forced into conformity for my wedding! Wear the dress you like, wear your hair how and what colour you like, and tell your mother it's not up for discussion.

123caughtaflea · 20/09/2013 23:31

My DB is getting married tomorrow week. None of my family have asked what I am wearing, and apart from checking colour schemes with my DSIL2B, I certainly did not expect their input. I am an adult, I grew up some time ago. Besides which, it is DSIL2B' s day, not mine or my mother's!

Custardo · 20/09/2013 23:40

i agree with the sentiments of 123caughtaflea. You are a grown up.

I want to tell you to tell her to go fuck herself, wear your beautiful dress and dye your hair pink.

However i think a viable option would be this conversation

" Mum, you are hurting my feelings and it needs to stop, as a concession, i will shop for something you might consider more 'normal' however i will do this on my own as i am a grown up. If you do not like what i wear on the day when i turn up, please keep your feelings to yourself until after the event - if you have to say anything at all - or else you will be sure to ruin your sons big day"

she will obviously will return with " well its your style you can't possibly" etc

You must repeat repeat repeat " Mum you are hurting my feelings"

Shapechanger · 20/09/2013 23:40

I'm sorry to go against the consensus but I'm with mirai. I think the dress is lovely. And I'm sure that you have a great and very individual personal style.

But I do think the dress, especially with pink hair is a bit upstaging, tbh. It would look great at your own wedding :)

And IME anyone who stands out too much in the photographs does upset the balance a bit. It's the bride's day.

That's not to say I'm endorsing in any way the views of your mother who sounds like a nasty piece of work and cruel to you.

I agree with everyone who says you should wear something that is your own choice and not your mum's.

But that dress... not so much. Sorry, feel free to shoot me everyone.

diddl · 21/09/2013 08:34

I think that Op has already decided not to wear the dress in the link.

I agree that it's very "look at meeeee".

Depends how "toned down" OPs dress is compared to the link?

Maybe her mum does have a point in this case, or maybe she will find fault with anything?

But as an adult, surely it's easy to decide what to wear & whether or not keeping to your style is the most important issue?

CaptainPoop · 21/09/2013 08:56

You are not responsible for keeping your DM happy/calm/from making a scene etc. She is responsible for her own emotional wellbeing, and how she chooses to behave. None of that has anything to do with you.

Talk to your db and sil and show them your choices. DO NOT involve your DM in any of this.

If she makes a fuss on the day she will only show herself up for the controlling NARC she is. If anyone tries to tell you off for not being controlled by DM, just remember that they have been trained like a dog to enable your dm's bad behaviour. They are too afraid to not do her bidding, they are simply her bitches and are to be pitied.

Iamsparklyknickers · 21/09/2013 09:21

Frankly it baffles me that what someone wears has the superpower to ruin an event, it's bizarre. Even if you turned up in a Princess Di wedding dress or Pirates of the Caribbean costume you're the one who looks a prat and unhinged.

Turning up in an outfit that reflects your usual style is expected surely?
It's not a reflection on anyone (including your mother), it's your own reflection of yourself.

Depending on how close you are to your DB (geographically and emotionally) is it possible to take him and your SIL out for a drink and get their opinion? Make it clear they can be brutally honest with you, but there would be no better antidote to your mum sounding off at the wedding than the bride making a couple of well timed, loud, comments about how lovely you look and how she knew you wouldn't let her down with making the effort.

AKissIsNotAContract · 21/09/2013 09:31

Wear what you want. The bride and groom will be too busy having fun to take much notice of what the guests are wearing. There's nothing abnormal about your style.

nickelbabe · 21/09/2013 11:10

yy - what Edition said - the only way you will "win" this is by getting your DB and SILTB to approve your dress in advance.

Take the 3 outfits along, say you were thinking of wearing one of these, don't give them any information about the fact you made it - ask them if one of the dresses is suitable, or should you get something else.

they will choose one of the dresses you take, and I can almost bet that they'll prefer the lovely one you made rather than altered.

nickelbabe · 21/09/2013 11:11

diddl - asking the B&G isn't so that she has validation of her choice, it's so that her mother has no comeback "well, SILTB said she really liked it and asked me to wear it on the day" then mum will have no choice to do catsbummouth and keep silent.

nickelbabe · 21/09/2013 11:19

PS - if my SILTB had made a stunning dress (even a non-toned-down version), I would be insisting she wore it, and I'd be showing her talents off to everybody at the wedding.

Loa · 21/09/2013 11:26

She doesn't seem to want you at the wedding or if you do turn up to be very uncomfortable and unhappy.

I would try the new SIL and your BD approving the dress approach - but it depends on how they are dealing with your mother - they might refer back to her.

On the day - your new SIL and DB won't care what you actually ware they'll be to busy.

I doubt what every you do or say your mother will be happy with you - and a shopping trip with her sounds like a really bad idea for you.

So I guesses you have to decide how much compromise you'll be willing to make and for who.

Oh definitely minimize or if possible cut contact after the wedding.

noddyholder · 21/09/2013 11:28

My mother is like this esp with my sister which is why we no longer see her. Told her that she couldn't come on holiday when we were younger unless she bought a new coat of my mums choice. Pathetic and if you don't stand up to this now you will still be doing it when you are 50. The fact that she can humiliate you with others is abusive plain and simple.

kali110 · 21/09/2013 11:31

Nothing will be right except what she wants you to wear and look.

My mom was like this for years. Its only now thst im almost 30 thats shes given up. Though i think shes regretting always stopping me wear what i want as now im covered in piercings tattoos and usually have pink or purple in my hair.

I was maid of honour for my best mate whos style is not like mine. She refused to let me dye my hair a normal colour, take my piercings out or cover my tattoos. She told me to be me and not to change.
Do the same.

kali110 · 21/09/2013 11:34

Plus can someone may the link clickable so i can see it, i bet its fab!

pointythings · 21/09/2013 16:32

kali I posted a clickable link upthread a ways.

kali110 · 21/09/2013 16:37

Wow.
Wear the dress. Id be so proud if it was my wedding and you turned up in that. Id be telling everyone you made it.

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