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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I've already agreed to compromise so my mother should really stop pushing my buttons?

129 replies

PrincessTeacake · 20/09/2013 17:01

My brother is getting married in two weeks, and in the run-up to the wedding my mother seems to be trying to make me 'normal' which I'm finding really insulting, degrading and pretty depressing.

First off, I decided to make a dress to wear to the wedding because A)I'm broke B) I'm a pretty good seamstress and C) my personal style is vintage-inspired and I'd have more control over the final look of the outfit. My mother was determined to stop me wearing this dress before I'd even started making it. She badgered me for weeks and when I finally got it finished, deemed it too attention grabbing. Same with the two dresses I had altered and was using as back-ups. All three dresses are, in my opinion, fairly classy and in no way gypsy-weddingy. I feel like it doesn't matter what the final product was like, she would have vetoed it anyway.

(the first one is basically a toned down version of this dress, in blue with straps: clothesonfilm.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/The-Great-Gatsby_Carey-Mulligan-dress-full-crop_Photograph-by-Hugh-Stewart-001-360x494.jpg)

I agreed not to wear it in the end because I knew she'd never leave me alone about it. But since I agreed, she's been making a lot of unnecessary jokes about my finished dress to her boyfriend, her sister and my future sister-in-law and I'm getting very annoyed. I wouldn't mind so much if the craftsmanship was off (and she would have been honest if it had been) but she admitted it was well-made.

We're going shopping tomorrow for a new frock and so far, the ones she wants me to get have been awful. Beige, cheap fabric, too short or too much cleavage and just plain tacky. I get the sinking feeling I'm going to end up in something I look awful in and don't feel comfortable in at all.

Also, there's an issue with the colour of my hair. I bleached it and dyed it pink earlier in the year to raise money for charity, since then it's washed out and looks a touch strawberry blonde. I agreed to not put any colour into it until just before the wedding so we could get it back to the original shade. She won't stop going on about how awful it looks to everyone, including the hairdresser as I was making the appointment.

I know it all sounds very petty but it ties in with a lot of dysfunction in our relationship over the years, and everyone tends to take her side because she's the matriarch. I've been seeing less and less of her lately thankfully and after the wedding I'm putting a lot more distance between us. I'm a happy, confident exuberant person most of the time but around her I regress back to an awkward unhappy teenager.

OP posts:
summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 20/09/2013 17:42

Get a nice hairdo, wear your dress, turn up separately from your mother, and be polite, circulate with the new in-laws and friends and be a proper sister of the groom with a happy smile.

My mother got so stressed about my brother's wedding to a really nice girl with a really nice family. She told me I was invited but not to go to the new MIL's house for lunch the next day as my children would be too much for her. I decided it would be rude to not go even for an hour or so. I ignored her, everyone had a lovely time and my children behaved impeccably. It was a control thing.

sameoldIggi · 20/09/2013 17:43

Are you single? They always say lots of people meet their future partners at a wedding. Do you want the man/woman of your dreams to meet you in beige, or in your own style?

cees · 20/09/2013 17:44

Your a grown up stop acting like a child ignore your mother and enjoy the day Grin

foslady · 20/09/2013 17:45

Why don't you ask the bride and your mother out of earshot about your dress, I'm sure they'd want you to be comfortable. Then when your mother starts mouthing off/doing the ducks arse face, you can tell her to STFU as the bride and groom approve, and as long as they are happy you don't really care about her opinion.
And then see the day as a turning point

foslady · 20/09/2013 17:45

AAARRRGGGHHH - the bride and your BROTHER!!!!!

PrincessTeacake · 20/09/2013 17:46

Thanks everyone, I did mostly want to get a confirmation that she's being unreasonable, not me.

Thing is, much as I'd like to, I don't think I have the cojones to go in the dress I made. If I did, what would most likely happen is my mother would complain about it to anyone and everyone including my DB, the groom, and this wedding is very important to him, I don't want to be responsible for ruining his day. My beloved (s)mother could rally our side of the family into giving me the silent treatment for the day and although I couldn't care less if most of those people dropped off the face of the earth, my brother would be very upset.

OP posts:
FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 20/09/2013 17:48

I'd wear the dress, but tell her in advance, just because she might cause a scene if you turn up in it ( not your fault I know, but not what you want at your brother's wedding).

Just refuse to talk about it with her. "It's not up for discussion, mother", should do it. Or perhaps "I'll get power of veto over your outfit as well then? No? Well, you don't get to dictate what I wear."

She sounds hard work op.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 20/09/2013 17:49

X post!

IAmNotAMindReader · 20/09/2013 17:50

She's going to do that anyway PrincessTeacake

She's already got it into her head you are going to ruin the wedding so will decide you have no matter what happens and complain loudly to everyone. Just pre warn your brother she is warming up to being on the war path about you no matter what you do.

Editededition · 20/09/2013 17:52

Honestly?
I would arrange to see your DB & STBSIL, for a quiet hour.
Take your own dress, and the 2 back ups with you and ask for their honest opinion. I am fairly willing to bet they will be very happy with at least one of the options.

Then ask them to keep quiet about it. Shouldn't be hard for the bride, who will have a mass of stuff on her plate!!
Then go shopping as planned and let your mother pick the dress she likes best on you.
Then rock up to the wedding in the dress your STBSIL liked the best, smile sweetly at your mother, and say cheerfully "I know!! amazing isn;t it!! STBSIL loved it when she saw it ....so as its HER wedding, I went with it!!"
Finally .... take the crap dress back to the shop!!

In any normal circumstance, I would say wear what the hell you like, and makes you feel your best without this kind of silly shenanigans BUT I've had an extremely difficult (narc) mother, am very aware of the havoc they can wreak, and the ensuing drama would probably be more pain than you want to handle if you full on challenge her without some backup?

There are times to have battles - particularly the spectacular showdown - and personally I wouldn't opt to have it at my brothers wedding.

Hope you have a wonderful day, in one of your spectacular dresses
(wish I could sew)

mirai · 20/09/2013 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bludgerwitch · 20/09/2013 17:55

Wear the dress and get a haircut & colour that you enjoy and that suits your style!

My SiL wore a gorgeous short green dress with a bright pink petticoat underneath it to our wedding earlier in the year, she looked fab and I loved that she got properly dressed up for it!

mirai · 20/09/2013 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 20/09/2013 17:57

the feathery looking one? Yes, that one would but the OP already agreed not to wear that one, her mother is on about other dresses that she's made.

IAmNotAMindReader · 20/09/2013 17:58

Actually I think Editededition has possibly the best solution. Everyone says its the brides big day. So yes run all your outfits past her and let her pick the one she likes best. Then if your mother kicks off you can say you let SIL chose your dress and then your mother looks like she's creating a storm in a tea cup and is less likely to be taken seriously.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 20/09/2013 18:04

Can you ask your sil-to-be what she thinks of your dress? If she thinks it will upstage her, choose yourself something else (your choice not your mum's). But if sil-to-be likes your dress, you're home and dry.

Your mum is going to find something to be nasty to you about, even if you look how she wants, she'll just move on to your personality, won't she?

If she spends the day being loudly horrible about you, you can spend the day being loudly nice about everyone. It will be very clear to everyone who is causing the problem.

Longtalljosie · 20/09/2013 18:07

She sounds very jealous of you, Teacake.

JeffTheGodOfBiscuits · 20/09/2013 18:09

I too agree with Editededition, she has made an excellent suggestion.

I find it very hard to stand up to my mother too, but if you have the bride and DB on your side, what could she possibly say without appearing actually crackers?

diddl · 20/09/2013 18:10

I wouldn't go shopping with her tomorrow-what's the point?

It's just a waste of time!

Actually I wouldn't ask the B&G what to wear either.

You're an adult & should be able to trust your own judgement!

Cuddlydragon · 20/09/2013 18:14

I totally agree with Edit. Speak to your STBSIL. Then go feeling amazing.

pointythings · 20/09/2013 18:16

I think Edited has it - her solution completely gives you the moral high ground.

CbeebiesIsMyLife · 20/09/2013 18:19

Wow for the past 3 year I've been dictating what my dd1 wears an forcing her to dress the same as her sister. I put bow and clips in her hair to keep it out of her face and so you can see here beautiful eyes. But recently she's been arguing with me. She wants her hair down, he wants to dress differently from her sister and she doesn't like some of the clothes I dress her in.

Finding your own style is all about growing up. I think you need to wear the original dress, thi is not your mums decision. It sounds like your mum is rather toxic and will talk about you o whoever will listen anyway. At least you can feel comfortable while she does it!

Please wear the dress and don't let her dictat to you like a child (I have my own mother issues so know this is easier said than done)

HeadfirstForHalos · 20/09/2013 18:22

Wear what you want to, and have what colour hair you like. If she makes any remarks just bluntly tell her she's being rude, maybe point out she wouldn't be so rude to any of her friends and remind her of that old saying, if you can't say anything nice...

Basically what I would say to my kids!

IShouldNotBeHere · 20/09/2013 18:31

Wow that dress is amazing! What sort of blue is it and how long?

NettleTea · 20/09/2013 18:49

I totally agree about ignoring your mum, though know this is easier said than done. But have you spoken to your SIL/DB about all of this? what have THEY said about your mothers behaviour, rather than the dress itself?