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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit hmm about a person who said she couldn't get on with women?

181 replies

TheRunawayTrain · 19/09/2013 20:46

Apparently female friendships are bitchy (implied/said but not in those words) and so on Hmm

I thought we were making friends too. Then I mention I'm friends with this woman who does x (she was talking about that subject so was relevant) and she starts.

AIBU? I asked her why she was writing off half the population (in politer ways) and the conversation carried on awkwardly as we both disagreed, but didn't get heated much. I can remember one woman at university saying something similar. I think dismissing being friends with people for their gender is Hmm especially as she's a woman herself!

OP posts:
squoosh · 20/09/2013 15:57

I'm still not sure what point you're trying to make.

geekgal · 20/09/2013 15:57

Maybe not in the context of MN but it could be argued that most of these stories aren't about women on MN, which is a comparatively small percentage of people overall, but about women in general, and that's where patriarchy kicks in. MN could be 100% women but it still wouldn't change the bigger picture much as the real power is still mostly wielded by men. I think the poster who said divide and conquer was pointing out that lots of gender divide arguments seem to go on between women, who are encouraged to do so by men, because it then distracts them from the real divides in society and nothing then changes. Hence patriarchy rules, the majority of women AND men lose...

geekgal · 20/09/2013 15:58

Maybe not in the context of MN but it could be argued that most of these stories aren't about women on MN, which is a comparatively small percentage of people overall, but about women in general, and that's where patriarchy kicks in. MN could be 100% women but it still wouldn't change the bigger picture much as the real power is still mostly wielded by men. I think the poster who said divide and conquer was pointing out that lots of gender divide arguments seem to go on between women, who are encouraged to do so by men, because it then distracts them from the real divides in society and nothing then changes. Hence patriarchy rules, the majority of women AND men lose...

PresidentServalan · 20/09/2013 16:01

When i was younger i was often the only female in groups of men (not deliberately - it just happened that way) - yes I was described as one of the lads - it wasn't about feeling special in any way, it just so happened that I dressed like them, behaved more like them and naturally fitted in with them. I do not have femininity - never have had. It's not about whether you are interested in hair and nails, I just don't have the emotional intelligence to deal with other females in RL. Way too complicated.

MistressDeeCee · 20/09/2013 16:19

FavoriteThings oh its no good, I cant work it out

Mistress - ironic name A friend is a friend!

Whats ironic about my name?!

disclaimer: its not to do with me having 2 male friends Blush it came from a pair of boots I bought in the 80s..I thought they looked really good. Mates (not the male ones!) thought they looked porno & took the p without mercy. Years later, they still wont let it go & the name's stuck..

FavoriteThings · 20/09/2013 16:33

geekgal. I may not move in as sulubious a circle as you, but just who are the partiarchy group who do all this distracting. Are we talking about 5 or 50 men in Britain or 5 million?

mistress. "A friend is a friend". If you are married [perhaps you are a mistress], you just cannot go out with male friends twice a week and for there to be no eyebrows raised by anyone.

FavoriteThings · 20/09/2013 16:38

geekgal. I have had a brief look at those links thank you. But I couldnt see that they answered my question.

What I am trying to say is women I think are the biggest voters on them. And women get booted off first on the whole. Why? Because they are bitchy against other females?

SPBisResisting · 20/09/2013 16:47

I hate the word 'banter'

MistressDeeCee · 20/09/2013 16:49

Favorite Things..ohhh, I see.

No - I said I have 2 male friends who've been friends for years & - not that I go out with them twice a week?! Maybe someone else said that in their comment.

Not married yet but in LTR; never been a mistress cant see the point of complicating life more than it needs to be.

come to think of it I wouldnt go out with male friends twice a week even if I wasnt in an LTR..much more in common with my female friends & that suits me fine

geekgal · 20/09/2013 17:01

Hi FavoriteThings, these links will explain patriarchy (also known as kyriarchy) and who it is quite simply:

finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2007/03/21/faq-isnt-the-patriarchy-just-some-conspiracy-theory-that-blames-all-men-even-decent-men-for-womens-woes/

zingerella.livejournal.com/73987.html

If you go deeper into it the whole women voting thing becomes clear, it's not a simple answer I'm afraid! Those links I gave you before are a start...

Saffyz · 20/09/2013 17:26

You do hear women saying they don't understand men, or generalising about men, quite often though. If a woman said she couldn't get on with men, would this attract the same indignation?

FavoriteThings · 20/09/2013 18:05

ping

FavoriteThings · 20/09/2013 18:13

patriarchy. Which men? Where? How many?

geekgal · 20/09/2013 18:18

Read the links, it's written there, saves me trying to quote

geekgal · 20/09/2013 18:22

And yes, it's annoying when women say they don't get along with men, you just don't hear it anywhere near as often so it hasn't become a trope, and since men hold the power they don't give a crap if a woman doesn't get on with them. We do because strength in numbers is the only way to redress the already skewed balance.

minidipper · 20/09/2013 18:23

Sorry not read the thread and am knackered and a wee bit tipsy so not going to. But totally agree with OP - what is going on in such women's heads?Only woman I ever met who claimed this was in a social group I was in. We used to meet once a week and she'd always spend an hour telling us how stressful her life was because she had two huge houses to maintain and her darling son was off to Cambridge to read medicine so she was stuck with her daughter. Every week we women scampered around sympathising (when lots of us had severe real problems like domestic violence, miscarriage etc.) and keeping schtum about our own real problems, because hers were so much worse. Then she'd slag us all off for being bitches because we were women. In the end I couldn't stand her, so probably proved her right, as I became intolerant of her self-important, self pitying whinnying.

However, at DC's primary school I got in with an apparently wonderful bunch of mums who turned out to be really manipulative bitches, isolating one member of the group in turn, lying and backstabbing. I had no experience of such women, as all my female friends in life have been staggeringly warm, lovely, open etc. But these women were so good at it. There was a bunch of about four of them who played another dozen or so women really hard and cruelly. I got out and then watched from the sidelines when it was other women's turns. If I'd been friends at school with girls like that I might have felt odd about women,

FavoriteThings · 20/09/2013 18:34

But you said "who are encouraged to do so by men". But that doesnt seem to equate with the links.

Your post 18.22pm Ah all is becoming clear. You group together with other women to have "strength in numbers" because "and since men hold the power they dont give a c if a woman doesnt get on with them"
Ah. It is actually you who doesnt get on with men. All has become so much clearer.

geekgal · 20/09/2013 18:39

Actually it has - jump on anything vaguely feminist, refuse to do any background reading or pretend you don't understand it, then deliberately misread the post - you're either a troll or MRA or both - and I'm usually so good at spotting them!!

I don't feed trolls sorry, I'll engage with anyone else on the thread though since you all seem to be good faith posters Smile

squoosh · 20/09/2013 18:59

I would be equally suspicious of a woman who said she didn't get on with any men, or maybe I'd assume she'd had some horrific formative experiences that had left her scarred and wary.

jasminerose · 20/09/2013 19:05

Its just as weird when someone says they cant get on with men/have decent relationships with men as they are all idiots etc. I dont think a billion people in the world can all be awful, so yes I would think the person who said it was a bit strange.

TheYamiOfYawn · 20/09/2013 19:08

Favouritethings, one of my closest female friends is married and goes out with male friends at least twice a week. She has a regular pub night with DP and a couple of other guys, and usually goes out at least one other evening with one male friend or another. I tend to see her on Wednesdays.

FavoriteThings · 20/09/2013 19:23

ha! troll! ha!
The ultimate word when you have lost an argument. Ha!

FavoriteThings · 20/09/2013 19:24

Yami. I would be slightly worried about her partnership personally. I have seen that sort of thing happen before.

Saffyz · 20/09/2013 19:49

I would be equally suspicious of a woman who said she didn't get on with any men, or maybe I'd assume she'd had some horrific formative experiences that had left her scarred and wary.

Well that's fair enough if it works both ways.

But I'm sad to see on this thread that some people will write off a woman who may have had those bad experiences from other women (or girls when younger), finding it "hmm", "fishy" and saying they must be "nasty people themselves" or that it means you're trying to be "one of the lads" or will turn into a "simpering she devil" in male company.

Not the kindest descriptions of women who may just be wary of other women because they've had bad experiences too many times, and it has knocked their confidence in relating to other women to that extent.

Obviously there are many wonderful women in the world (not least here on MN!) But put me in a situation with new people, and my gut feelings will override this logic, and make me more wary of the women. This is definitely not deliberate, and I will make every effort to fight generalisations as much as the next person; but due to lifelong repeated experiences, these gut feelings of fear of connecting with other women happen anyway. I would love to find it easy to make friends with women and constantly do my best, but so far it has never come naturally.

So those who have no problem relating to other women, consider yourselves fortunate but please don't make negative assumptions about those who might not find it as straightforward. It's just not that simple.

samandi · 20/09/2013 19:52

It's not about whether you are interested in hair and nails, I just don't have the emotional intelligence to deal with other females in RL. Way too complicated.

Confused

Ahh ... haven't read the whole thread but OP, YADNBU. I find females that cannot deal with other females waaaaaaay too complicated. The utter illogic of their arguments baffles and bemuses me in equal measure.