To think that if Hell was a cafe...

[beepoff]

... The only tea it would serve would be the discusting Lapsang Souchong?

Served in chipped novelty mugs.

Accompanied by crumbly, not sweet-enough, flaccid flapjacks which fall apart when touched.

shudder

It would serve Rombouts coffee that manages to be both bitter and weak, with too much milk. Tea would be served precisely when you want it least. The cakes would all be made with less sugar than the recipe stated on the basis that all that sugar is unnecessary and served by a woman with unclean fingers who insists on manhandling the produce, despite having several very pretty and perfectly serviceable pie slices, and who hovered over you watching for crumbs.

Oh wait. That's MIL's house.

Ooh lapsang sounds nice, will try it.

Cafe hell is the marks and Spencer cafe.

It tastes exactly like smoke, which is presumably what everything tastes of in Hell.

Presumably this cafe will have plenty of long spoons on the cutlery stand, for supping with the devil.

I think Lapsang is quite kippery in scent.

Lapsang is divine in the afternoon. Perfect Earl and Lady Grey are only available in the Devil's Cafe / Supermarket. Vile floral drinks that should be banned along with donuts and, indeed, any cake!

The waitress stares at you as you consume every sip, and the second that last morsel is in, she swoops down to clear the table, wiping the crumbs into your lap with a dirty, wet rag, and then starts huffing and sighing that you won't leave soon enough.

Don't forget your feet must stick to the floor cos it's so filthy.

Cafe Hell never has "proper" fresh milk, only those tiny capsules of fake milk which are impossible to open without splattering the contents everywhere.

Weak tea with milk that has gone slightly in the turn.....bleurgh

And chocolate cupcake sponge with a lime buttercream swirl, made with salted butter

And a stale ashtray overflowing with fag butts

Served by someone with rank BO

and long greasy hair

and very bad acne

LeGarv

M&S Cafe is full of ghastly old fossils. That's another form of hell altogether

guilty

and the strands of hair just brush over the food.
Or they run their hands through their hair.... yuk

70 they have black heads that meet

I think lapsang is traditionally made by smoking the tea over old fishing nets (burning the nets) so it may have a kippery aroma!

I love it, not strong, no milk. Am experimenting with a new lemon rooibos just now as am pg so no caffeine.

Pat this rooibos sounds like a computer virus lol

Agree with lots of other posters that Lapsang is a bit bleugh.

However Hell's Cafe to me would serve only decaf tea & coffee in a Sports Direct mug!

Oh and creamer in little pots rather than proper milk.

Tsk no it is lovely. V popular in South Africa don't you know.

Grindleford cafe is also famous for the grumpy nature of the staff...god help you if you ask to change an item in rhe full breakfast. . !

No I don't Pat, seems one tea education needs attention! lol

Lapsang is like drinking a bonfire of manure.

I like rooibos but am yet to meet a man that does. My DH says it smells of hay and feet.

My DH likes rooibos but cannae handle the lemon one.

Hell's Cafe would have beautiful cake stands all covered in...individually wrapped Mr Kiplings.

Mugs that have lip marks on them....and unwiped tables.

BTW I worked in Mr Kiplings Bakery in Eastleight, Hants one summer and I still ENJOY a fondant fancy !

Cafe Hell is in Gambados Watford.

Cafe Hell Europe is in EuroDisney. Automatic hot water at 82 degrees with shit tea bags. If that's how they make tea, no wonder the French don't drink it.