To think that if Hell was a cafe...

[beepoff]

... The only tea it would serve would be the discusting Lapsang Souchong?

Served in chipped novelty mugs.

Accompanied by crumbly, not sweet-enough, flaccid flapjacks which fall apart when touched.

shudder

He does the entertainment because he has all the best tunes.

The tomato ketchup comes in little sachets and isn't Heinz. Other condiments similar...have you ever read the ingredients on generic sauce packets?

Hell cafe: where the tea is made with slightly less than boiling water, and the teabag is introduced to the water, rather than allowed to stay in it at all. The above beverage is coloured grey.

Ooh yes the milk is added to the cup straight after the tea bag goes in so it never brews and you're left to drink what is effectively a cup of warm, beige lmilky water.

The waiter would have really dirty fingernails.

Can't be the Devil then, I imagine him with quite very clean finger nails.

Quite very? I mean very!

Well, that's an awful lot of cafes abroad then, with the added dubious pleasure of the teabag being Liptons Yellow label.

Agree with 5ft5 re Grindleford cafe - as well as awful coffee you can smell the frying fat well before you hit the cafe - just stinky

Any form of tea is the devil's work, it's all vile, horrible disgusting stuff as is milk and nearly everything made with milk.

earl Grey. bleuuurgh.

yy, it would definitely be Earl Grey. And the only cake available would be wholemeal and dry. And they would actively encourage people to sit down and reserve tables before queueing to get their drinks, so you'd have to hover with your cup of perfumed muck and your dry bran slice.

And all the teapots would be those dodgy metal ones that leak from the spout.

It would be run by a bitter old hag who will tell you off for laughing too loudly as she is on the phone. I make a point of guffawing with gusto every time i walk past her cafe window to the nice new cafe next door now!

What does lapsang souchong taste like?

I want to try some now.

I love earl grey and lady Grey.

Cafe hell is a stale scone served with foil wrapped butter which is so rock hard you can't spread it. And when stale scone taken back for refund the arrogant counter assistant argued with me about staleness.

Waitrose cafe in Cheltenham, that would be you then.

I love Lapsang Souchong... Therefore YABU

What's it like, goofy?

If Hell were a café there would be food all over the floor and food stuck down the sides of the sofas and armchairs.

Sadly this Hell exists in many cafés who think that wiping crumbs onto the floor from a table is ''cleaning''.

Cafe Hell is nothing but sickly cupcakes in bizarre flavours. Thank goodness they are dying a fashion death.

Cafe Hell is being surrounded by people w/ coffee breath. I can't bear coffee breath but everybody at work has it because they walk around clutching giant vats of coffee, sipping constantly. I don't like drinking hot drinks at all.

The tea is smoked over Pinewood chips, it's better drunk black imo or with lemon, its nicest not over brewed, it gets quite 'chewy' if made too strong.

Café Hell is also the place where there are delicious treats but NO spare tables.....

And lots of lovely hot drinks which is great so you have at least 2 - then you discover there's NO toilet. Or the toilet from Hell.

And the queue at the counter is Sooo long... and the noise of people talking drowns out your own voice when you finally sit down..

Can you tell I go to a lot of cafés for my ??