To complain about DD's teacher

[DancesWithWoolEnPointe]

When I collected DD1 (9) from school today her teacher was waiting for me. She showed me a rubber, in bits, and told me that DD had had a very bad afternoon. She had been fiddling in science, and cut one of the school's rubbers to bits with a ruler. She went on, rather angrily, about the importance of listening, not fiddling, the lack of resources at the school and that DD needs to replace the rubber. I have no problem with this at all, although I was surprised at how angry she seemed.

However, after DD and I got home I spoke to her about it, and she relayed just how much trouble she had been in. She was taken outside and the teacher told her off for several minutes, uninterrupted, including, to quote DD, "lots of How dare yous". She said she wanted to say something but felt if she tried to speak she'd be in even more trouble.

Now I am a teacher, and I almost never break out the "how dare you". Like "I'm very disappointed" and "I'm concerned" I keep "how dare you" for really serious issues. While DD has shown disrespect for the school resources and needed to learn a lesson, I can't help but feel this level of response is unwarranted. DD1 has never once been in trouble before in 6 years of formal schooling, and is a top pupil. There is no history of damaging school property or any other issue. I can't help but feel the teacher had had a bad day and lost it with DD. It doesn't sound to me like she was in control of her irritation or anger. I feel the need to stand up for my child.

Would you write a letter to the school? Who is being unreasonable - the teacher or me?

In the days when compasses had proper spikes, we used to stab the rubber lots of times, then break along the dotted line.

However, this was in secondary school, where we paid for all our own equipment, and in our own time.

You are going on the say so of a 9 yo child who knew she was in trouble.

I know I was more than capable at that age of stretching or exaggerating the truth to get out of trouble or to get sympathy from my parents or teachers. It never occurred to my Mum that I'd do it because she would never have done it. But I did. Maybe your dd did too.

Unless you were listening to what the teacher said in person or on a recording, then you don't know what happened.

I ranted at a child once, when they graffitied on a rubber. To anyone listening, it would have sounded way over the top, but it was the third that day and I was sick of providing things they should have had themselves but couldn't be arsed to provide, and then them not treating them with respect. I would laugh if anyone thought I was not in control of my emotions though, I was just pissed off and fully entitled to be so.

YAB a little bit U, see how it goes with this teacher, obviously, if flare ups become more apparent, maybe pop and and see her.

All the nit picking and PA comments aren't really necessary.

There are some people on this thread who could manage to tell somebody they were BU no matter what the circumstances.

For what it's worth I don't think speaking to the school based on this one incident will do anybody any good.

And by the sounds of things its not something your DD is likely to repeat any time soon, so you shouldn't have any further issues

WE used to do that too choccyp1g!

Don't compasses have proper spikes these days??

YANBU, I have a strong sense of fairness when it comes to my children, although your DD was in the wrong I would not be happy with a disproportionate response from teacher. I wouldn't complain but I might say something to the teacher such as "Did I miss something yesterday, it just felt a bit of a harsh telling off, please can you explain...." If she couldn't justify her actions further I might say something such as I thought her reaction was over the top!! I wouldn't complain but I would certainly have my DD's back.

Apologies for my second comment.

Agree was unnecessary. Tapped into current issues I'm having wrt school.

Stand by my first comment though, which was that it's best to hold fire at that stage.

As a teacher you must have some idea about what teachers think about parents who write in about, well, quite trivial things.

Save your breath for bigger battles. I'd be amazed if you said you'd never had a bad day at work.

It was to give context -yes she fiddles, but she is listening at the same time. Fortunately she doesn't normally destroy property as her form of fiddling, I think she normally stares out the window

I'm wondering if the teacher finds this rude and irritating,and the rubber incident was the final straw.

ilovesooty - I think most teachers understand that children have different ways of assimilating knowledge, most of which don't involve sitting absolutely still and paying rapt attention. I mean, I imagine you're met children? Keeping still is not their strongest trait!

It's only a fucking rubber. I wouldn't engage, and just tell your DD to keep out of the teacher's bad books by appearing to do whatever is necessary to keep the teacher happy.

FWIW I picked cuticles, chewed pencils, destroyed rubbers, mucked about with ink pens and generally shuffled about for 14 years at school and ended up with a PhD. There is no documented correlation in the research between fidgeting and academic outcome.

Bit bonkers of the OP - interesting to see that even a teacher cannot disengage when it comes to her own child's naughtiness.

Don't write in and complain - really just don't

Are academic standards generally quite low at this school? I ask because of the whole reading age thing - rang a few alarm bells.

I don't know what age group you teach, but bright nine year old girls can be arrogant, know it all, pains in the neck.

How do I know! Read my Y5 school report

I didn't suggest she had to keep still all the time, but if 30 children all stared out of the window for a lot of the time it would be disconcerting.

And given that Ofsted can slam you if one child appears to be off task, it might feel worrying.

ilovesooty - If 30 children were all staring out of the window I'd wonder what the heck was happening outside! Hopefully not a zombie invasion!

But they wouldn't be, as each child adopts their own behaviour which hopefully, allows them to learn best.

Wuldric - why on earth is the OP's child's advanced reading age a reflection on the academic ability of the rest of the school?

"IMO its fine to tell kids that a teacher has behaved like a bit of an arse. You can tell them that they (the kid) was in the wrong but also that the teacher overreacted."

NO no no no NO
Please don't say this! Undermining your DC's teachers is the worst thing you can possibly do. It just erases all respect and you end up with children who think they can do whatever they like and be untouchable.
This is the biggest problem in schools today. Children learning from their parents that they don't have to respect their teachers.
If you disagree with something a teacher says or does then talk to that teacher! (although in this case I think that is unnecessary - your dd was behaving badly) but don't ever criticise the teacher in front of your DC.

Well, I don't know. I think I would ask dd for her story again a few times over the week, and if it remains consistent, and you really dont think she's exaggerating, then, I wouldn't actually complain, but I would quietly be asking the teacher what actually happened. And take it from there.

Some teachers don't earn any respect, I can hardly tell DD her MFL teacher and stupid immersive curriculum are brilliant, when they clearly aren't.

I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing with your DD the fact that (a) she needs to give the teacher (any teacher) her full attention even if she's tired or bored and (b) if she doesn't the teacher might well overreact and sound off in her direction.

Giving the appearance of paying attention even when you're not learning anything new is a useful skill. As is the ability to rise above and move on from unfair criticsm!

I think teachers are often useful for instigating conversations along the lines of "Ah well nobody's perfect and everyone has a bad day occasionally".

Because that's definitely true!

The teacher went overboard, but unfortunately your daughter isn't going to go through life without at least one teacher who does that, no matter how well-behaved she is normally. Put it down to experience, but do make a fuss if it starts happening repeatedly.

DD she was wrong in damaging school property. The teacher did go over the top and a simple, 'That's unacceptable. You will replace the rubber,' would have sufficed. However, I would not make the mountain larger by writing to the school about it.

Only you can know the answer to this, but perhaps you are overly concerned at your daughter's top pupil status having been sullied.

A child who never misbehaves is a child to worry about...